i think i figured it out

i blew it when asked to discuss my current responsibilities. instead of saying what i do, (when i have something to do) i went on about how i desperately have nothing to do.

i guess i was trying to demonstrate how i wanted to work in an environment that was challenging for me, that kept me interested and inspired me and also exercised my brain. i was trying to point out what i liked about what i used to do...and how it has all changed.

at least that's what i am able to deduce.
though i need confirmation.

and yes, i am still devastated.

Living the double life

this could get interesting....a friend started a tumblr, dude suggested i start one, and so did the friend. so i did.
similar theme/content, but will certainly be censored to some extent. until i am comfortable enough expressing myself without any serious repercussions. i mean - tumblr will probably be things that i am willing to say out loud, whether anyone asked or not. blogger reflects the opinion and thoughts that no one asks about.

And So It Goes

Putting it out there

I've heard it said (or maybe read) that if you just put what you want out into the universe, the universe will provide. i think i can honestly say that has happened for me once...when i wished really really hard and repeated affirmations in my head as i fell asleep for things to work out with me & dude. so far so good.
so, do you only get one shot at that?
since i didn't get THAT JOB, perhaps i didn't wish hard enough - i want the universe to provide me with the reason. i want to know if it was something i did or said. was it what i wore? was i simply over-qualified and if that's the case, why not just have hired me on for the probationary period of 3 months, get all the best work out of me to get the job done and then say, no thanks, we're not hiring you on permanent - so i guess that kinda throws that answer out the window. so there must be something else. and i want to know.
i want someone to tell me - what it IS about ME...there must be something.
i remember telling a business associate/friend once that one of his clients was shit-talking him. saying he was useless and bad at his job to the rest of the other clients, which lead to a moment of commiserating and back stabbing. the next opportunity i had, i brought that business associate (sales rep) into my office and told him. i said i felt that he did a great job for me, and that i thought we had a great relationship and if the shoe were on the other foot - i'd want him to tell me. i told him this not to offend him (he wasn't) but to let him know there might be room to improve an important business relationship. he was very appreciative and actually turned the relationship around. it was actually quite impressive.
i am only asking the same courtesy. i don't think it matters where it comes from...who tells me - but someone has to tell me.
there. it's out there. universe: PROVIDE.

funnily enough

none of the aforementioned prezzies made it to my home. instead over the past couple of weeks i ended up getting a mpre better pair of boots from UO (thanks dude!) a pair of the cutest leopard print ballet flats on sale at nordstrom rack ($29) NEW BUSHINGS ON MY CAR!! how sweet is THAT?! $260. a small shopping spree @ forever 21 (tiny hands!) a dress, 2 tops for less than $70. so not too bad - i guess.
i have my car registration to pay this month, and thanks to the flats that i HAD to buy before they sold out of my size, i will be late on my storage payment (due tomorrow). stupid storage unit. i have to get rid of that thing! what a colossal waste of money! dude cleared out some junk in the garage (swears he'll do more) and i just KNOW i can fit my life into that garage. i need to start going through my storage unit and throwing shit away. is that a new year's resolution?
while at nordstrom rack yesterday ANOTHER fabulous pair of loepard print shoes caught my eye! they are ankle boots with, appropriately enough - kitten heels! problem is they are $189. i'm really struggling with talking myself OUT of buying them with this week's check. they are TOTES ADORS! (haha) and i must have them! that would make my collection complete: leopard pumps, flats and boots! i think that might - it just might - complete me leopard print accessories collection! (if one can have 7 different pair of black shoes, why not 3 leopard?!) i think i will have them.
AND be able to give dude $500
AND still keep up.
i think.
i'll make it work, somehow.

oops

i made a mistake at work. i let myself become too engaged with my co-workers and now have to back pedal. i let myself get caught up with a couple of others against the toad. it hasn't gotten ugly yet - but i found myself participating too much in catty (and funny, no doubt about that) gossip and behaviour. i shouldn't have. my motivation should be first and foremost to find another job.
the toad is annoying and i will do my best to ignore her completely going forward.
the others i will politely decline participation and continue to do so until their invitations cease.

prezzie for me!

i'm torn over what i should buy for me this paycheck. it seems to have become a rule or habit for me to take each paycheck and buy myself something i want/need. here are my options:
1. new bra. i found a felina style that i like and fits well $49
2.dress @ urban outfitters. it's long and grey and i just kinda liked it. it would look super cute with the hat i just bought there in exchange for shoes dude got me for christmas that didn't fit.
$45-50
3. booties that i just fouund on overstock.com. i've been looking for ankle booties and they have them in taupe (i don't want another pair of black or brown shoes) the problem is i can't try them on. maybe i'll go to nordrom's and try them on first $29 (STEAL!)
4. aveda be curly hair stuff (cuz i can never seem to have enough)
i can always do a combination of 1 or 2 with 3 or 4. or put off 4 all together and find the travel size that my closet seems to have eaten.
5. get the blue black lo-lites that i've been wanting. i plan on evening out the overall color this weekend - so i can go to floyd's and get the lo-lites done cheap...maybe.
i guess i'll try the shoes on first. maybe the shoes and the dress! with the new hat?! CUTE!
but finding a good bra is always a struggle for me.
decisions decisions.

OH!! then there's the list of books and such i want on amazon! hmmm....