Blogrolls

Why are they all baby blogs? and if they aren't all baby blogs, then they are wedding blogs. what the f? where are all the cool, subversive, snarky, entertaining blogs? i've found a couple by accident - but they don't come up with i start scrolling from here. kinda lame. kinda bugging me.

LONGEST.WEEK.EVER

i've been laid off! and just in time for the holidays! "downsizing, reorganization, and strata changes in the industry are the reason given. but we know better don't we? i'm the only grown up in the room that hasn't high-5'd the asshole for banging the accounting chick. plus i know my rights when it comes to salary and doctor appts. they don't like that. they are going to pay me thru 12/31 - fine and my health insurance thru 1/31 - also fine. i'm just really glad to be going. relieved beyond all belief. i can't wait to find something else - anything else - even if it's just working part time. last day is this friday.

PTO/Vacay + Dr appts

so the shithead i work for tried to dock me a 1/2 day's work of vacation time for 3 dr appts i had taken over the past 8 months - tried to tell me i had no PTO left and that any future appts would result in a payroll deduction.
oh really?
at first i was so shocked that he even had the nerve to send me an email stating such outragousness. i mean - this is the OWNER of the company. he copied the new GM and my "boss" in minneapolis. didn't copy the head of HR (who he's fucking)
so i thought about it over the weekend and decided to check with the HR person, who is fucking the owner - and see just how many days are recorded as PTO for me. she shoots back instantly: 10.5 days; 1.5 over your allowance.
really?
i must have lost 1.5 days, i say - can you tell me what days you have? about an hour goes by and she sends me a breakdown. 3 of the days we doctor's appointments and she has recorded: 1/2 day.
i'm being docked a 1/2 days' vacation for doctor's appointments? i ask. even on days when the appt was @ 9.30a, i was most likely in the office by 11a and certainly worked through lunch. what about the days when i only left 2 or 3 hours early? (and worked thru lunch)
"i cannot make any changes please work this out with GM and your boss" and cc'd the GM and boss.
well, 1st of all - i didn't ask her to make any changes. if i asked her to do anything it was to clarify a certain part of company policy that is obviously somewhat unclear. the part that says : dr. appt = 1/2 day vacation.
so i thank her for her uselessness and request that the GM and boss address this issue.
i talk to the boss the next morning - and he's telling me the song & dance about how no one knew i was gone, no one knows if i work thru lunch and all this bullshit.
really?
so you are telling me that you are going to dock a salaried exempt employee - a DIRECTOR - for going to the doctor? not only do i think that is shitty, but i am not all together sure that it is legal. i mean hey - it's HIS game, his bat & ball, he can play it how he wants - but i'm calling it shitty. i was not out 1/2 days.
his solution - and he offers it as if he and the GM debated it and came up with this brilliant idea - was to offer me 1.5 days from HIS vacation time.
while i appreciate the sacrifice and admire such an offer - it's not neccesarry and it's bullshit. again, i am a salaried employee - in all my years working - i have NEVER been penalized PTO for dr. appts. this is unheard of. i am not a 20 year old kid scamming out of work (ok, sometimes i am) but come on! i schedule my appts as late or as early in the day as possible - so as not to interfere with our "busy schedule" (which is bullshit) and by the way, constanting reitterating to me that you think you are more than understanding about my dr appt's is not being understanding - it's telling me - hey - you have a lot of dr appts. furthermore THREE appt's in 8 months is NOT a lot.
so bossman tells me to send him and GM an email, mapping out the time off, including scheduled vacation, when i worked from home sick days, dr. appts, work thru lunch, etc. so i do.
he comes back at me about vacation days in which i either worked from home for a portion of the day or checked in. saying vacation days are vacation days, whether you were available or not.
oh really? ok then - i will treat those days as such going forward. (motherfucker)
this was tuesday.
wednesday i get up early because, as requested, i come in a full hour early every wednesday to get reports out to our clients.
wait a minute.
i've been coming in an hour early for over 6 weeks now and you're docking me vacation time. oh heheHELL no. i send the boss an IM telling him so. he said to send in email. so i did, thuroughly. to the point that by 12/16, i will have made up for ANY missed time, and by the end of the year, have 2.5 hours that THEY owe ME!
all the while i am looking into the CA labor laws and becoming quite well versed on what is permissible for salaried/exempt employees. i am a salaried/exempt employee because of my experience and professionalism - and i essentially can make my own hours. if i feel that i can do my job in 4 days - they still need to pay me my full salary. so if i can do my job AND leave early for the dr - YOU STILL HAVE TO PAY ME! the employer can only reduce my salary by a 1/5 if i missed 4 or more hours and it must be PRE- DISPOSED and must be written as such, as bona fide policy in the employee handbook.
ultimately, they acquiessed. i do not OWE any time, and i do not have any PTO left (which jives w my records) fine. i win.
but i'm still thinking of filing a claim with the state for harassment. this was undue stress, absolutely uncalled for and again, not quite legal.
this place is a joke.
it irritates me to no end when someone thinks they can get away with something. push ME around will ya! i'm not a fucking kid trying to make it in this business. i'm not afraid of you and you can't fuck with me!

NAMIisaslowmovingbeast

beauracracy exists on every level. i don't know how anything gets done EVER. everyting goes to committeee - website development, brochures, labels, stamped envelopes! what about the families?! what about the people that need the help - desperately!! we have a meeting this week - i'm taking over the agenda (preparing it and taking notes) meanwhile - i find that my pet project is pending eviction. should i bring it up at the meeting - see what we can do to help? is NAMI there for crisis support? maybe i can ask.

The day before one of my favorite days ever

so here we are - the day before hallowe'en...All Hallow's Eve. my favorite time of year! i should be super excited and in a great mood, but i'm not. i'm kinda bummed out and mopey. the only reason i can think of is work. (the whole 'i hate my job, this sucks, etc. etc.)
the good thing is that the work day is almost over. no plans for this evening - hopefully carve a few more pumpkins. the one we carved on sunday died already cuz it's been stupid hot here! (i cold live in FL for this heat! what the f?)
i'm sure i'll shake it off when i get out of here.
last week was the costume party - which really didn't turn out too many exciting costumes - tomorrow will be the traditional visit to the friend's house after handing out candy at ours. the block off the streets and have tons and tons of trick or treaters which is great.
dude said i might get a hallowe'en prezzie. that's always something nice to look forward to! that reminds me - i should go order the xms gift he sent me as an idea.
have a wonderfully frightening time this weekend! scare as many small children as you can! it's good for them!

new prospects

i submitted my resume to 2 jobs today at a company i really want to work for. i interviewed with them before, about 2.5 or 3 years ago and they either decided to hire internally or not to fill the position at all (i'm sure i still have the email - i should look into that)
i'm getting more stuff from my previous task list handed back to me and then some. which is a drag. it's not hard work - none of it is - i just don't want to do it. don't care to get any more engaged in this company than i already am!
NAMI is slow to go. i've entered some emailed to their site for newsletters, have some calls to make to confirm addy's + emails and go over. tomorrow i'm going to be discussing some program that they want to use to manage a database. i'm keen on that, moreso than anything else, i think. they all were looking at me like i was fresh meat at the meeting i went to last week. everyone involved in this group is so old! the treasurer is 70. they all have family and/or loved ones that are inflicted with some kind of severe mental illness, so they are also very impressed with the fact that i am not otherwise compromised by an emotional attachment. i really hope this opens the doors for other non-profit work for me. i'd realyl like to get into a real non-profit job, not just volunteer stuff. getting in at this point - when it's not fundraising season or "walk" season is good, too.

the narcissist revisted.

so, i asked the x for some of my property back, mind you, he "decided" i could not have my cats. my last communication to him wsa "now i hate you" i was as direct, even moreso, that i could ever be with him...here's how it went down (names have been XXXed out to protect the identity of the innocent)
me to him:

Now that some of the dust has settled - I was wondering if it wouldn't be
too much trouble to address some personal belongings of mine that you have
decided to keep as your own. I would like them back, (or at least the
opportunity to refuse) and I would also appreciate at least a gentlemanly
attempt for some reciprocation.

washer + dryer

refrigerator

microwave (purchased with birthday money from my mother)

television (or cash equivalent for the exchange between you and sunny - $200 the TV was a christmas gift to me from my mother)

jack skelington cookie jar (taken out of my hands during my move - did
you lose or break yours? because it is not in with my hallowee'n items as you so
aggressively protested - i already had a cookie jar stolen in new orleans if you
recall, i would appreciate the return of mine, please)

if you have come across it, the red wig from pirate wench costume (that's not with my stuff either)

lastly, any financial offer you would deem appropriate as a mere attempt to replace the 401k i withdrew after virgin that i used to to pay your half of everything while i was out of work. that was my retirement and tax money, it was not to be used to pay your 1/2 of rent, cable, DWP, gas from december 2006 through april of 2007. i don't expect this, i'm sure you think it was my obligation to spend whatever money i (or my mother) had to keep a roof over our heads, and i certainly am not trying to go back to every last dime spent (you vs. me and my mother) - but i put aside exactly $2000 from the 401k withdrawal so that i could pay the taxes on it the following year. i had to use that money when you had nothing to contribute on household living and have had to pay dearly for it in back taxes, interest and penalties.

reply as you see fit - do as you wish, as always.

--
and then, his diabtribe:

I wasn't even going to respond to this, as you have the tact and gentility of a
bulldozer (you should really work on that for your own benefit, especially when
you want something from someone), but here goes...
I'm currently in the middle of handling the estate of my Mom and the moneys and dealings of this are still up in the air. I will think about compensating you in some way, although, as I've just mentioned, your less than friendly letter to me here has already pissed me off, so, we'll see if I decide to give you anything. I could even be
petty and say that you got my best friend and caused me a ton of emotional and
mental anguish, as well as the work I did to build/create things for you (make
Halloween Costumes, build CD wall-units, etc.) in the ten+ years we went out,
but I won't. As far as I see it, we're kind of even, if nothing more than in a
"Universal"-kind of way.
I also need to remind you that, when you moved out, you never, ever stated that you wanted the Microwave, Washer and Dryer or refrigerator. You actually (if you remember) told me to keep them, as you didn't want to move or deal with them. I did, have been storing them in my house, then storage unit I've been paying for this past year (you had over a year to ask for them back and never did), and just sold them at a garage sale yesterday. I still have the dryer here if you're interested, but you'll have to arrange a time and method of picking it up. I still have your Jack cookie jar and came across it in my storage while clearing stuff out for the sale. I also came across the Jerry Lee Lewis framed poster of yours, as well as a few other things, which I will gladly give all back to you (as well as XXX's Bass Guitar and Vocal
Microphone). I would've done it sooner, but I have been dealing with the immense
task of taking care of (and interring) my mother, moving out of the Bassett
house and moving XXX (the mail order bride - ed) out and trying to get settled in this house. I do owe
you for the TV and will pay you for it as soon as I am able (I had XXXX buy the
Redhead Big Fig for you and she deducted it from what she owed us for the TV,
which I was unable to pay back to you). I honestly thought I did not have your
cookie jar in my posession. It was deep inside a box of other Halloween
decorations. There was no foul play here, as you strongly suspect, just a lot of
stuff that got lost in the shuffle. I do not know where the Redhead wig is, but
if I come across it, I'll get it back to you. I have no use for it.
I don't expect, nor do I care if you believe this or not, but I never thought you had
any "Obligation" to spend whatever money you spent on our bills. I assumed, as
many people do, when in a relationship built on love and support, that both are
"All for one", "in it together", and take care of each other, no matter what.
That's how I am with XXX (the mail order bride - ed) - we are there for each other no matter what and money is no object. If I have it, I pay, if she does, she does. Right now, I pay for everything and I am fine with that. When she gets settled, she will pay for things - we both will, at different times. Not that big a deal to us. It's our
money. it's all for the good of both of us, we both benefit. If I had to pay for
everything for the next five years, I'd be fine with that (and I would die
before I made her feel bad about it). To me, that's what love is. There is no
resentment caused by it. I was foolish to think you thought that way too, and
I'm sorry.
Oh, and in case you forgot (since you love to drive home the fact
about how much your Mom sacrificed for us) - my Mom let us live, rent-free - for
FIVE YEARS in her home and showered you with a ton of nice gifts. You're not the
only one.
Let me once again remind you, XXXX - you got what you wanted in
this. You got to get away from me and have your freedom. It's what You wanted.
Everything in life has sacrifices. Everything. You also got a number of my
longtime friends (some of which, I'm actually not sad to be rid of, as they
showed their true colors in all of this). I lost things in this, too. I lost my
girlfriend, whom I loved dearly, my life I had enjoyed with her, as well as a
lot of posessions we shared together, some of my friends...you always like to
act the hurt party, like it was always this terrible experience, like I was this
horrible drain to your life and never gave you any joy, whatsoever. I'm sure,
when you tell all of my ex-friends how horrible I was (I can only imagine), you
must always leave out how I made Christmas Stockings you loved, CD shelves you
filled, dressers I stained and distressed, costumes I created, masks I made,
gifts I bought you for no reason, etc.. I was destroyed by your leaving. I was
only because of a few, loyal and amazing friends - and my wonderful family -
that I managed to get on and once again find some happiness. So, next time you
want to throw your hand to your head and cry out "Oh, woe is me - XXX ruined my
life!", just think about that for a second.
This is the last I will discuss about this, as I am insanely busy trying to get settled into my new life. I will contact you when a time can be arranged for me to give you back your things (it will be over the next month, as I will have to find the stuff in
storage). Please do not start harassing me with countless, vicious e-mails. If
you do, you will never hear from me again and forgo every bit of your things.

7 paragraphs, including at least 1 threat - just to tell me, he'll think about it. this is what i dealt with for 10 years. no, he didn't ruin me, he didn't ruin my life. on the contrary - i am quite grateful and satisfied with what my life has become - and i ultimately have him to thank. i didn't live in his mother's house rent free. i paid her rent - not because she asked, but because it was the right thing to do. the only reason i lived there as long as i did (and it wasn't 5 years, it was only 3) was because i was waiting for him to get his shit together for us to move out. i moved out on my own in 2001 - and that was after he chansed me around a locked room trying to strangle me and i called 911. even at that, he practically lived with me the whole time. just assumed his residency into the apartment. i could go, point for point and try to contest and defend myself and correct him where i think he is wrong, but there is no point. there is no reasoning for a narcissist and citing his innaccuracies will only enrage him.
he carries so much anger with him. i promise you, the first fight he has with this poor girl if money is invlolved in anyway she will get all of the anger, hatred and resentment he has towards me over this. we didn't break up over money, we broke up over lack of support and god awful sex. i needed emotional and physical support - he did not provide it. i needed a compassionate, giving lover - he was not. i needed a bogger dick, or someone who knew how to use a small one. we just didn't work physically. at this point, it's about money and things. not much else. the tone of his response is very much like "if you had only stuck around, all of this could be yours" like i should be kicking myself or something. i am not, and i never will be. i am so much happier with my life, yes. he should be nothing but happy with his and willing to get the "things" out of the way. i hope they are happy together, i really do. i hope he is happy and able to support and she him for the rest of their lives. better him than me. we should not have been together as long as we were, i am ashamed to admit. but if he hadn't stayed together as long, i wouldn't be where i am now, and to the x, i am eternally grateful for that.
i opted out of any gentility, knowing full well that it would only encourage a greater dialogue with him, which i need to avoid at all possible costs, including never seeing any of my stuff again. and he obviously feels defensive for having sold some of my stuff over the weekend. sure dude, take the house, the cats, everything AND sell it to make a profit...awesome. with out even a moment of pause to contact me and ask me if i want anything back! and as far as the TV - he sold it to a friend, who then deducted the cost from an item he bought me for our anniversary. - so wait - i PAID for my anniversary present, too? that i left with him?!? wow.
so my response to him was simply something to the effect of: all plesantries aside, thank you for the quick response and i look forward to hearing from you soon.
the other funny thing is years ago, when his band broke up, he sent the singer of the band a certified letter, emploring and not far from DEMANDING that the lead singer pay him for lost wages. he felt that he was right and just to do so. the singer never even gave him the decency of a response, let alone offer to compensate him. i guess i am now also grateful for a response. i am not looking forward to the few other things he has found that are mine.

NAMIMeeting

so i have my 1st NAMI meeting tonite. it's an open meeting with a guest speaker; a person who has run mobile psyche unit with a partner. the NAMI person tells me it's a good introduction to the challenges people face, day to day trying to find treatment. i have also been invited to a private meeting tomorrow. apparently the group is embarking on several new projects and this is a good time for me to offer my help - with spreadsheets and what-not.
i'm a little nervous. not sure how much i am willing to commit and afraid to over-commit myself. am i doing the right thing - am i ready for this? i tried to help out an animal group before and was relegated to cold calling and fund raising. luckily (haha) i got this shitty job and was able to gracefully bow out. i like animals more than people and ultimately would rather be doing all of this for animals, but i will look at this as a place to start. a good place to start.
i'll let ya know how it goes! wish me luck!!

i'm back!

my bff came to town over this past weekend for her bday. so, i was pretty busy. we went shopping, site seeing, disney, more shopping, eating, more eating & had lots of fun. dude was sick, so he didn't come along most of the time and after she left last nite, he told me that he was dissappointed at my lack of consideration and attentiveness to his illnessi could do nothing but apologize. he was also concerned at the fact that i had taken vicodin while at disney. i don't have a "problem" - just like to partake from time to time. no big deal and it hardly phazed me. whatever. we'll leave the part out about sharing clonopin with the bff the whole weekend, too. jeeze. when boys get sick - they are really impossible.
also - i've been obsessing while not working on this website about a 7 year old girl with schitzophrenia. i came across the story on a gossip site that was hammering oprah for her lack of compassion for the child during an expose/interview. i skipped the oprah part and went straight to the source - which is a blog by the parents of this little girl and their daily struggles in keeping her alive and happy. it's a blog for parents of severely mentally ill children or relatives and it's absolutely captivating! so much so, that i found myself compelled to help in some way. it turns out there is a non-profit all volunteer group called NAMI, and i offered my services to support data entry. i am expecting a call this evening from the person in charge. he/she said they just did a mailing or something like that and have a lot of handwritten data to be processed. i can do that shit in my sleep! maybe this will lead to something more fufulling. i don't think i'm ready for hands on care for the mentally ill, but this could get me in the door to other non-profit work that could satisfy my cravings for a life of meaning, fufillment, inspiration, and purpose!

well now that's completely different!

so i suck it up and decide to confront the bossman. turns out, he didn't read ANY of the emails that went out and had NO IDEA how the holiday/vacation/pay information had been deceminated to the rest of the company.
turns out - if you've been here for over a year you WILL be paid for the 3 days mentioned in my previous post. if you have NOT, you MIGHT be asked to come in for 1/2 days and can use ONE vacation day to cover those 3 days IF you are called in, IF it is so busy that bossman needs the help. (he won't - it's deader than dead during the holidays)
so i apologized profusely for coming off accusatory in anyway or being confrontational. i told him i understood completely and that i am glad that we talked. he is going to explain it to the rest of the company in our monday conference call.
whether he truly accepted my apology or not, i really don't care and i kinda doubt it - he'll carry that around as an attack to anyone and everyone else he can.
i hasn't deterred my one bit to find another job.
he's still a douche.

HEY COCKSMOKER! EAT A BAG O' DICKS!!

that goes out special to the owner of the company i work for.
we just found out today that we are not getting paid for 3 days during the christmas break. in our joke of a business, it is customary to close the offices for the week between christmas and new year's. we did last year. we are however, expected to be "on call" or available in case of emergency. (define "emergency" in the fucking music business) the only "emergency" i could imagine would be michael jackson rising from the grave and doing a moon walk. or many U2 dying in a firely plane crash (one can only hope) and both of those scenarios do not affect me in any way shape or form. i do not work for sony, universal, or interscope. if one of our shitty artists died over the holidays, trust me, no one would give a fuck and sicne we are tits on a bowl, the most middle of middle men; a marketing company, there's not fuck all i could do but get in the way anyway. managers, head of labels and distribution would have to deal with that shit - i would be the LAST person anyone would need to get involved.
so we found out TODAY that we will not get paid for 12/28-30. IF we have been with the company for more than a year, we can use any vacation, personal, or sick time we may have left and use them to get paid for those 3 days. well, fuck - if i had KNOWN i was getting fucked out of holiday pay - i might have planned my personal and vacation time differently. thanks for the rule change mid court motherfucker! oh, and the offices will be closed anyway, so even if we wanted to work and get paid, we can't - we're "closed. " even though we all have keys to the office and could come in if we wanted to...we're closed and won't get paid. WHAT.THE.FUCK!
and let me just say - this cocksmoker, the one who has been fucking the "HR Director" is about to sell 1/2 of the company for $500k. FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND dollars - is getting a divorce, (just broke up with the HR chick yesterday apparently) and now I am loosing my holiday pay?!
motherFUCKER
i just got 3 days worth of more motivation to get outta here.

hi follower!!

i have my first follower!! hellooooo out there!! i hope you don't mind that i will continue to scream - no matter who might be listening!
and the profanities will not stop - i assume you are ok with that since you decided to follow.

please...walk this way....

death & taxes & the x (a long one)

as you may or may not know - the end of a 10 year relationship with the x (a narccissist) included me filing for personal bankruptcy. the BK dicharged in feb 09.
in 2006 when i changed jobs/careers, my bi-monthly payroll schedule did not jive with my financial commitments for rent and other living expenses. the x was not working (he rarely did) so the household finances were my responsibility. i had a 401k with my previous employer, so i withdrew that money, put enough aside to meet the hit i would take on taxes and floated us until the payroll from the new job came in.

the x, still never worked. 4 months in to the new job, the employer decides that i am not an good fit, and laid me off. this was december of 06. had i stayed with that job, i would have been making a fairly decent amount of money. i had just finished my christmas shopping, still had the tax money in the bank + a little more, and felt pretty good about everything, even considering the x wasn't working. so here it is, december, no work, and several weeks of fighting for unemployment...several weeks go by, christmas, new year's, still fighting for unemployment, the x still doing fucking nothing.
so, i had to use the money i had set aside to pay off the tax hit from the w/d of my 401k to live. that was february 2007. that's when i knew it had to end. i was done with him, and didn't know how to end it. i was scared, i was trapped, i did't have a job, no $$ and certainly nowhere to go. april 07 i start a shitty job, for very little money. suffice it to say, the x probably wasn't working. i had to go to my mom for money most of the time. i tell him again i want to break up, i can't do it anymore.
may 2007, a few days after my father's bday, my sister calls me at work to tell me my dad had died. my fatehr and i had been estranged for sometime, so it really didn't phase me, still hasn't really. but i went home from the shitty job anyway, took the rest of the day off. here's where the timeline gets a little fuzzy....i think within 2 weeks my mother tells us she has lung cancer. she says all this time they have been treating her for bronchitus and pneumonia - they finally diagnosed her with cancer. she says she will undergo chemotherapy, and avoids the "how long do you have" question/answer.
i file for an extention on the '06 taxes, because i know i'm going to owe - and i did, made payment arrangements & all. late november of 07, i secure a BK lawyer. i had gone to collections on all my credit cards, mostly in part due to the fact that i had to support a household on my income and food, power, and rent come before credit card bills. when you secure a BK lawyer, all collections stop - even collections like for me, my taxes and car payment, that i was making regularly. (with the help of my mom from time to time)
july 2008 my mom dies, and i use the very small amount of money she left me to pay off the BK lawyer and proceed with filing. it dischared in feb '09. i file an extention again for my '08 taxes and i think in march or april recieved a notice that now that my BK has discharged CA wants their money.
august of 09, the x's mom dies of cancer. she leaves him and his brother her house, which was paid in full, car, and from what i gather, a substanical amount of money between the 2 of them. granted, the brother got the house, b/c he is the responsible one and the x is allowed to live there, and only has to help out with the property taxes every year. the brother and his wife have accepted the fact that the x will never be able to take care of himself like an adult.
i got confused because i thought my 2007 tax return credit, covered my 2006 taxes owed. i also thought i had paid my 2006 taxes off, but could not find the cancelled check anywhere. i sent the information into the tax accountant - it was april - he was kinda busy (obviously). i didn't hear back, got a few more notices. when i finally got my taxes done, tax guy told me i had to pay it, so i did. check cleared, thank you drive thru please.
THEN - my employer recieves notification that CA tax board wants to garnish my wages!! i spent the better part of te morning trying to get thru to the franchise tax board, and much like my experiences with EDD - too many calls & they hang up on you! it's amazing. unemployment is something like 12% in CA, and they don't have anough people to answer phones or can't have a system that adequately puts calls in a line. long story shot (i know, too late) i have to pay the interest and late fee's on top of what i already paid. fuckers. whatever, they remove the garnish from my wages, i make arrangments to pay the balance in full, just to get it behind me.
so here's the rub.
for 10 years, i fucking supported this asshole. gave him all the time and support he needed to figure out what he wanted to do - with his music career and life - want to write music to make money - do it, great. paid bills, bought him gear, i just wanted him to pay his 1/2. he never, hardly ever did. my mom paid out thousands of dollars to help support us when he wouldn't go to his family, or if he did - they wouldn't help or insisted that he actually do work aroudn thewir house to get $$ from them. my mom never questioned - just helped as she could.
now that the x has money - goddammit - he should pay me back!! at least put forth a gentlemanly EFFORT! he fucking got the house that i took a loan out for my 401k to rent, the furniture that i paid more than 1/2 of, TV that was a gift from my mom, fridge, microwave (another gift from mom, washer and dryer that was mine!!! then when he moved out of that house and into his mother's - he took ALL of that stuff and put it in storage!!
isn't it only FAIR that he make an effort to give me something? i mean, i have spreadsheets the i used to budget our bills that show how little he gave me at any given time. i can calculate an approximate of what he owes me. shouldn't i be entitled to at least a portion of that?
i have to write him a letter (as he has done several times) or perhaps approach his brother and sister-in-law as mediators. i don't know. this is going to be tough. you can't negotiate with crazy.

that's my rant for today. sorry it was a long one...

Hallowe'en

My favorite time of year! we are very excited!! planning festivities and participating in as many activities as possible.
this past saturday we attended a genuine SPOOKSHOW and this unbelievabluy pheonomenal home in hancock park. fer ef's sake WHO LIVES IN THESE HOUSES?!? oh, "old" hollywood money, for starters. this home has belonged to a magician's family for over 75 years. each year his daughter/grandaughter? and her dausters (at this point) hold a private party for the Happy unholy Holiday. (it was just a magic show, really...slight of hand, silver rings, etc.) oh if only it had involved some of the dark magic...that would have been delightfully frightful!
the home itself was/is exquisite! the incorporated the history of the property into the story of the magic show, presented by the most creepiest of hosts one could find. the house was built over a natual stream, that still flows, multilayered and lush with folliage beyond your wildest imaginations! just breathtaking! down one level, up another, up a short flight of stone steps to a fantastic pool. statuaries and candles everywhere. i tried to take photos, but i'm not one of those people that is very good at that kind of thing. either too much flash or not enough light. not to digress, but i know people with pretty much the same camera as me and every photo they take is great. i've read the manual, all i end up doing is pushing buttons and changing the settings beyond all recognition...
anyway...back to this house...unfortuately, i was having an allergy attack earlier in the day, huffed flonaise, no good, sudafed...nothing...one benedryl...nothing...showered, one more benedryl and another huff of flonaise later, the sneezing seemed to have subsided. dude was out of town and friends were driving, so i opted for a quick drink (vodka soda) and a quick little bonghit. (choke cough cough, uh oh.)
there was booze at the party, too. uh oh. now i'm not a big drinker...i had 2 more. filled a 3rd and went in to the theatre (yes, this house had it's own theatre!! - seriously, i lost could how many times i asked who i had to kill to live there!) stage, rows of seats, piano, a bar with hundreds of miniatures against the wall.
there were 6 dancers, in between each magic performance; reminicent of 20s style flappers, scantily clad, different shapes and sizes, but mostly small, dancer-like bodies. lovely. i found myself closing one eye so as not to see double...that's when i know i need to stop!
after the show, everyone began mingling, including the magicians, dancers, etc. at the snack table i started chatting with the piano player, who happened to appear in some klaus nomi documentary - apparent to all but myself in the conversation...he was a friend of judy, and wanted to get some booze, i joined him and we chatted. i was unfortunatley a little too buzzed to be all that charming.
next thing i know, my ride wants to leave and i have to make a hasty exit. i was disappointed, and entertained the idea of driving my drunk happy self BACK to the house after the friends dropped me off. in hindsight, it was for the best, most assuredly, since i probably would have ended up embarassing myself and/or others had i stayed and drank more.
there are things that have happened to me during my life in hollywood that make me feel like a better person having experienced them. The Spirits of Brooklegdge is one of them.

Muse can suckit

OK - typical LA story....this morning i find out that Thom Yorke from Radiohead is playing a warm up show to his 2 sold out gigs next week with flea at this teeny tiny shitty club in hollywood. tix on sale @ noon. i got 4 other ppl online trying to get tix. the SECOND the clock hit 12, we all click...shit sold out immediately! THEN we find out that there is a release party upstairs from this teeny tiny club for the muse. evidently, there was never ever even the slightest chance that anyone was going to be able to buy tix tonite. i'm sure they are all going to industry people, label weenies and the like.
granted, i have had a full life of radiohead experiences - but that's an entirely different blog, all together - so i can die happy and satisfied, really. but i really would have liked to see thom do some of his solo stuff live at an intimate little club like that. (even if flea is shitting all over it on bass) it's just something about living in LA that you can't just have anything to yourself. EVERYONE is into EVERYTHING you are into. comics, movies, music, art - everything has a crowd and everything sells out in minutes. (except, oddly enough, virtually every band my x ever played in)
and as far as muse are concerned? they can suck it! they've always been the poor man's radiohead - the band that people say...i used to like radiohead before they got all art-y, now i like muse. fuck those guys. fuck that guy for trying to sound like thom yorke. if i had one person say to me: you like radiohead, you should like the muse, i had 10 people say it to me - and they can suck it too! how typical for there to be a party at the same place thome yorke is playing - how bloody original...be the promotional genius who thought that up got a big bonus.
the only other think i'd like beside seeing thom yorke play some solo stuff in a small club would be to sit down and have dinner with him. then i could really die happy.

dude is going out of town this weekend. he leaves early tomorrow and returns on sunday. perhaps this weekend i will do some research on sexual harassment laws in CA, maybe schedule an appt with a temp agency with my BFF is in town and i have 2 days off...get the hallowe'en stuff out of storage + the big boots... get the lace bloomers for the zombeeeee costume...find my leopard print gloves...ooo! go to playclothes! (looking for a slip) i need to get my har did before hallowe'en, that's for sure! cut + color....hmmmm....

holiday

so today is a "holiday" for some people; "new year's." they have the day off. in a town where 80-90% of the people running it are celebrating this holiday - to have to work is beyond ridiculous. ya wanna know what i did today? scanned about 100 photos onto a flash drive, mostly. fucked around online and scanned photos. since 3p, i think i've recieved 5 emails. none of which were ugrent or needed any attention immediate or delayed. i get paid for this shit? it probably cost more to open the office and run the a/c all day. what a joke.

Capitalism: A Love Story

dude and i went to see it last nite - expecting the theatre to be crowded, but not at all. (i guess 3 theatres playing it every hour helped)
it was good. somewhat slightly better than i expected, but i knew what to expect. i walked out of the theatre feeling exactly as i expected to: frustrated, upset and most of all, helpless.
we told them NOT to vote for TARP they didn't, then went into a meetign and did it anyway. moore starts out the film saying the top 1% fear the voting power of the bottom 99%. why? he implied that out vote "for change" is going to be the resolutuon to all of this. that saintobama is really going to change everything. he was also careful to complete his movie and not include any of the status quo that has been evident in the past month(s).
and as with all of michael moore's movie, i walked away with a head full of shit! too much information! EVERYTHING is fucked up and wrong! he segueues from one issue to another after another after another! what do i do?! do i slip the airline pilot a $20 next time i fly? give him a sandwich? do i tell my sister to squat in her forclosed home until "they" product paperwork? do i ake calls (that worked out well; see: TARP) do i picket? where? at skank of america? do i have a sit in at the nearest mortgage company? what the hell do i do? where do i start?! i already "bank" through a credit union. i have no intentions of ever owning a home, so i'll never have to worry about making a bad reinvestment decision on a 2nd mortgage. i am certainly in no position to play the stock market any time soon...so where does that leave me? a single 1/2 cuban, female in california? i cna volunteer at my local homeless shelter, or women's center, right? that will at least make me feel like i;m doing soemthing to immediately help someone, somehow. especially since the governator cut funding completely.
rome is crumbling. the greed is too deep, the corruption is spread too far. the man to change is on the take, and he appointed all of the heads of the banks that destroyed "this great nation" to continue with the destruction.
i suppose the religious zealots don't care because of their end times teachings. what makes a human need to be right? are they going to turn to the damned, the jews, those who were not born again and stick their tongues out and say 'i told you so!' -? 'we were right and we get to go to heaven! you don't nyah nyah nyah.' that's not very christian like, is it?
headlines today read that there will be no change - things will go on as they are, we will bail out more, there will be no failures. health insurance is mandatory, but their is no regulation on cost. you HAVE to get healthcare - and the insurance companies will dictate the price. or else what? you don't get treated if you go to ER? they'll throw your sick bleeding body in jail? how can i stop my tax money from being used for bailing out banks? dude say move to another country. sure - but you can't STAY there. you can't go to the french consolate and claim diplomatic immunity because the US is raising your taxes to pay for something you don't support.
although, i do have relatives in spain....

work drama

the owner is fucking the new accounting and newly assigned HR chick. he's also getting a divorce from his wife of 16 years - apparently the wife initiated it. they also have 2 kids together. i need not point out the legal ramifications of this wildly innapropriate relationship. one of my co-workers gave her notice yesterday, stating that she didn't want to work in this drama filled environment anymore - she's 21 and lives at home - and is either in for a world of dissapointment as far as workplace drama is concerned OR will have a ridiculously successful career, having taken control of such toxic environments at such an early stage in her life. the first thing bossman says is that HE'S IN LOVE WITH HR chick. the second thing he asks is if the girl knows if I and MAD AT HIM for fucking HR chick! she's quitting, citing irreconsilable differences, and also citing specific issues with him and the company, and these are his top concerns!! apparently HR chick has told the girl that gave her notice that bossman plans on marrying her in january and they'll have a baby together by june (which made me vomit a little - again)
the girl leaving is goingto a company that i hiring people of my caliper so hopefully she can help me get in the door. at this point - anything to get out of here.
i wonder if i should pursue the CA state labor board about this issue? i'd imagine it would be like setting the place on fire, but it would certainly ensure that i would get myself OUT of the business for good.
there are a million reasons why he should know better. 1st of all he's older, 2ndly she's the company HR person and accountant!! one day of proper HR training tells you how inherently WRONG this is! he's BARELY even separated! less than 3 weeks ago he was whining to be about how hard all of this is, and how he's not sure how he's holding it together! no more pity from me, asshole! i mean really how DUMB are you?! DUMB DUMB DUMB!! am i mad, no, not for the reasons you think. he probably thinks i'm mad b/c i didn't high 5 him when i found out. mad b/c he should fucking know better - for every reason. no, not mad, dissapointed, and total loss of respect. it went from very little to NONE.
ultimately contributing to the toxic environment i find myself working in and more motivation to get out as soon as possible!

resume

so i updated my resume (again). reformated it. i think my resume has been too speacialized and specfic to the music business. i think it needed to be more generic. so i went to salarydotcom, looked up job titles and formated the descritions into bullet pointed items of work experience. i have no idea if this will work. resumes are fucking bullshit anyways! what because my font isn't 12pt i'm going to be eliminated from the selection pool? whatEVER! if that's the case, i don't want to work there anyway. srsly! what does formatting have to do with anything! i sent in for 2 positions posted at a cmpnay my friend works for. we'll see what happens. i should let her know i applied. not that i think she can do anything about it - i dont think she'd like to work with me anyway - but maybe she can say something to someone to pick my resume out of the pile (or emails) and look a little more closely...actually - ima go do that now....

funny that

my last post - about processing anger - posted on 9/11. a day when just about everyone in this country felt anger for at least a moment. we collectively felt anger, sadness, confusion, and fear...mostly fear, i think. and not much has changed. we are still afraid. too scared to walk into an airport with a bottle of water - too scared to wear our shoes through the metal detector - but not scared enough to control our guns, or our hatespeak, or our hubris. (it seems nothing will scare that out of us)

processing anger

i have so much pent up anger for the (most recent) x. (the one that's still alive) i feel like it's holding me back. everytime i go to my storage unit to look for something, only to find it's not there - i'm reminded of the the things he has taken from me. i am reminded that my life has been reduced to a 5x10 space, 1/2 a closet, and boxes in a garage. true, EVERYTHING about my life is better without the x - but there are things that eat away at me. he has a home, fully paid for. his mother left him money. he has a whole house full of furniture, and brand new appliances plus THREE storage units filled with the same. furniture that i paid for. appliances that were mine, even a microwave that was a birthday gift from my mother, a television that was a christmas gift. let alone the thousands of dollars he owes me. he'll never be man enough to stop and think - i should at least make a gesture and give me something towards what he owes me. and that makes me angry! dude says i seem to want to make the x pay - to teach him a lesson, to have everyone know what a loser he is and walk away from him. sometimes that's true. sometimes i just feel bad for him. i would like it if he woke up one day and realized something - anything - about our relationship. i want him to accept responsibility for its demise, as i have. i know i could have communicated more - if only he made me feel safe enough to do so. i was as patient as anyone could ever be - he had all the time and freedom in the world to figure out what he wanted to do. when i needed him to do for me - he did not. that's when my patience ran out. that's when i had to check out. and i am happier now, i have found the man of my dreams and he satisfies me completely.
i should get help - find someone to talk to who can give me professional advice and the right tools to process this anger. i know by simply acknowledging the problem i'm having is the right step in the right direction to getting "better' about it. i think i need a few more tools - to get me to a better place. so i don't think of what i've lost anymore - because i know i've gained so much. i guess it's the little things that always get to me.

forgot

i was going to post yesterday, but forgot. it was 9/9/09 - i always forget to do something on the most significant dasy, don't i? oh well. who cares, right, always screaming no one reading, right?
saw 9 with dude last nite. it was great! lovely little film. my 3rd best film seen this year, preceeded by The Hurt Locker and yummy star Jeremy Renner and by District 9 - awesome sci-fi flick, fast paced and interesting telling of an all too familiar story.
next post - completely different subject....

here we are again

still at the same job. still not liking it. now there are more people here - the house of cards is growing, and still on shakey ground. bossman is in the process of getting a divorce - and what does he do? goes to vegas. he's gross. i want to be away from him and his irrational, xanax addled behavior. is it possible to work for someone who is NOT crazy? do sane bosses even exist? i have always had a certain level of crazy in a boss. almost always...no, ultimately ALWAYS ended up trying to avoid my boss or supervisor because they were crazy, mean, or a combination of the two.
a friend hooked me up with her headhunter. i sent a message today with my resume. i can't wait to see what happens! they friend raves about this headhunter, saying that she will do everything she can to place me. i have a feeling she is looking at my resume right now going "hunh?"
(sigh) i can do whatever! i don't need a corporate ladder to climb! i can answer phones, data entry/maintenance...i'm not looking to be a svp or anything!

coupla things

over the passed few weeks, some things have been said - and i don't know where to put them or how to process them - so i will start here.
the funeral. he didn't want me to go. didn't understand why i thought i should go. didn't need my support.
i expressed my concerns for a friend having trouble in her marriage over children, how she wants them depserately, and her husband no longer does. her husband is focusing on his career, and doesn't feel that he wants or can handle a child. she has had one miscarriage already and has been told it may be unlikely that she can have children. i was concerned because the last time we spoke, she was building resentment towards him. HE said we can relate. and reminded me of how i do not want children and he does.
then yesterday, as we were talking about another friend's pending visit - to see a band and a new boy - he asked me if there was someone i would see everytime i went to seattle on business.
and all at the same time, my new little kitten harrasses his cat, keeps us awake running through the house and climbs all over us at 5a every morning.
what am i supposed to think about all of this? do i sit down and talk to him about it? how do i approach it? am i holding everything in for too long?
how can he still think that there is anyone else? how can he continue to send me signals, pushing me away, and act surprised when i seem distant.
i guess that could be how i bring it up to him. just say something like look, i've been getting mixed signals from you, don't know if you are aware of it, but here is how these things are coming across to me...

wow - i suck

so i left the house this morning - the a/c was on the nite before and the house was fairly cool. dude was called to set at 3a. i figured i'd come home for lunch. i also treated the chair that edgg'r had pee'd on last year - thinking that i'd come home for lunch & put it all back together. problem is - i didn't come home for lunch.
dude got home from set about 5 & sent a text saying the house was boiling cuz i didn't open any windows! then called me and said the kittkes pee'd all over the kitched floor outside of the box and vomited in the living room. and apparently pee'd on the living room carpet. he had to come home from a long day and clean up cat mess.
dude is NOT happy.
i don't know what i should do. he's made more than one comment on how the addition of my kitten has changed the behaviour of his cat. we even had his cat at the vet 2 weeks ago - just to make sure there wasn't anything seriously wrong with him - he had diareah and was crying in the box. he had a little bladder infection, but was otherwise ok.
i can treat the lving room carpet with the same stuff i used on the chair - it seems to work well. but this overall is kinda bad for us.
srsly - i don't know what i should do. maybe i should offer to leave. once he pays me back i'll be able to afford to put a deposit down on a place. i'm in a bit of a panic and haven't felt good about 'us' off and on for a while now. i wonder if this is the last straw for him?
i have the next 3 days off from work. i guess i'll spend a good protion of that time working on us.
god i suck! how could i do that to those cute little kitties.

blogging by work

so the job that i hate has now started a blog. and employees are not encouraged to blog, but forced to do so.
annoying.
i blog because i want to, as an exercise in emotional futility. (since no one reads) as previously stated - a way for me to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head without hurting anyone else or being ridiculed or critisized. and so far so good. (although, not much of a sounding board, since no on reads and i don't get any feedback on whether i am out of line on my thinking)
blogging because i HAVE to kinda defeats the purpose, don't you think? i do. i won't know what YOU think because you're not reading or commenting, right?
(god, i sound schitzophrenic!)
anway, work blog = lame.

A year goes by...

so its been a year since my mom died. a year and a day. time seems to go by more quickly now. i'm not sure if it's because i'm 40, because she's gone and i don't talk to her or wait to see her anymore or all of the above. but this year has flown by.
i haven't talked to my sister in a little over a month. she's mad at me because i got irritated with her for asking me for money. i just can't get over the choices she has made in her life. i know that they are her choices, and i should not and cannot judge - i just don't know where or what our relationship is anymore. i didn't hear from my uncle either. again - so far away from them - so detached. i feel like they have let go, and perhaps so should i. my sister and i were supposed to go to florida this month and spread my mother's ashes in the ocean, bonsidering she just asked me for $$, and we haven't talked, she obviously doesn't have her shit together enough to get to FL. it's going to be more of a process for me to get there, she 's just going to drive - i have to take time off work, fly, rent a car or get someone to pick me up at the airport and whatever. plus we "planned" on inviting my mother's friends to the...memorial...some of them are out of state, too so they need to plan. maybe next year? shitty of us, isn't it?

Bonus

ok, so i think i've mentioned before how totally done i am with the music business, my job of the past 20+ years. i am dialing it in at my current job, and pretty much have been doing so since my mother died around this time last year. it's not important to me, i don't care about the artists we work with, sales, or anything of the sort. i've spent over 1/2 my life working and trying really hard to get recognized, be acknowledged for my experience and talents at my job. now, i'm being recognized and rewarded for mediocre work, lack of effort, passion and drive - all the while being told i'm doing great work, putting forth a lot of effort and admired for my passion and drive. it confuses me. it shocks me. i don't understand it really. i spend the greater part of my day fucking off...surfing the net, IMing, whatever - actual work time is minimal. i sit in an office all day, alone, no one watching over me, monitoring me or anything. i even FORGOT to turn in my weekly report of what the fuck i did all week last week and no one batted an eye! the owner just gave me $200 for "kicking ass" - really, i didn't DO anything! i sent a couple of emails and a vague promise to possibly commit to something that may or may not happen. (if it doesn't, so i have to give the bonus back?)
weird. just weird.

sleeplessness

So dude says to me yesterday, he's concerned with my lack of sleep, and thinks/feels that it is having a negative impact on our relationship. he thinks i snap at him and react negatively because i am not sleeping well.
first of all - i snap because i am provoked. i do not snap for no reason.
example a) we were walking home from the movies, (we were irritated during the movie several times by people using their phones and ranted about that for a while during our walk) my friend charlie made a comment referencing a song that i did not catch. and chris mockingly teased "oh you music snobs" or something to that effect. meanwhile, he had made a comment to what i thought was similar about the artist previously referenced to just a few hours earlier, so i called him on it. he said i was jumping up his ass and that i had a lot of anger. so i said "it's because i eat the dreams of small children as they sleep" - a quote from the movie we had just seen that we both thought was funny. i thought we were joking and playing around. apparently we weren't b/c he didn't talk to me for the rest of that night and brought this up last nite.
example b) we went to the movies again yesterday, and during the movie were a bit irritated by the old people wandering around the theatre, and talking during the movie, and ranted about that. it was very crowded and people were stepping all in front of us not looking where they were going...2 small children running and screaming nearly stepped on my bare toes so i jumped, wondered who they belonged to and asked if we could shift over a bit while we talked about the movie we had just seen. and we did. he's done that to me before - asked me to move over so we could walk more comfortably - i didn't think it was a big deal for me to ask the same of him. apparently it was, because of what he brought up later last nite.
this is something i've never understood - how MY reaction to something, no matter how similar it may be to another persons' can be mistaken and misunderstood.
and how, when confronted - i cannot react as if i am being attacked because i'm told i'm not being attacked. he said he's telling me how he feels, he's not attacking me, he's trying to be constructive and worries about me, and i'm hurting his feelings when i snap at him.
and if i try to explain, i feel like i am then being combative or too defensive.
i argue to specific points. this is how i see something, this is how i interpretted it, this is why i responded. i don't try to generalize or make sweeping assumptions during my arguements. so that when someone tells me you ALWAYS do this or that - i can call them on it and say, no, this is the reason i did this, and here is the reason i did that. it has nothing to do with my sleep, or lack thereof.
i don't sleep because i don't like my job
i worry about money
i worry about my relationship
i don't feel like he wants to spend the rest of his life with me
i worry about my cats
i worry that i've become a burden and that me and my little kitten may soon not be welcomed anymore.
i worry that i am not good enough for him
not pretty enough
not talented enough
not sucessful enough
not driven enough

weirdness

so here's something that strikes me a bit odd...
i recently got in touch with a high school freidn on facebook. we were the only 2 weirdos in our school. the only 2 that wore black clothes and combat boots, black eyeliner, and dark red listick. we were pale as we could be in south florida - in a sea of suntans and pastels. we did just about everything together. we started going to clubs together (granted, they were silly little teen clubs) but we always went together. then at some point close to the end of our senior year i think something in her changed. i think immediately after graduation - we stopped being friends. we stopped hanging out, going to clubs and what not. we seemed to have no reason to hang around each other anymore. and then i remember someone telling me that she would talk about me behind my back. she called me a social butterfly. i started hanging out with some new friends, my gays - they took me in and showed me how much fun i had been missing - introduced me to drugs, gay bars and all other sorts of debouchery and fun. i never had ill feelings towards this person. and 20 years later, i can easily chalk it up to simply being sick of each other. we went to shcool together from 3rd to 12th grade! it was time to be apart. but i have to admit - at the time, i thought it was shitty that she would talk shit about me - resent me for my outgoingness and popularity. i had my own issues with self worth and acceptance, which we can get into later. so - intead of confronting her - i just let it go and tried to get as far away from her and everyone from my childhood as possible.
so here we are 20+ years later. she misses me! she wants to come visit. she "doesn't remember" why we stopped talking or hanging out. whatever, we're grown ups - i can forget, too.
but she has assumed a significant part of my personality - something that she certainly didn't embrace as emphatically as i did in shcool - and that is a fascination for Oscar Wilde. i picked up on it from The Smiths and this person who tortured me - my first love - another entirely different blog all together. i wrote term papers and read his work. now - she quotes him nearly everyday on the facebooks.
i don't know why i find it odd. i just do.

everyday doesn't always mean everyday

like weekends or when i'm out of town. i guess i could have written while in seattle on business, but when i thought of it - i really just wanted to get away from the computer and walk around town and i'm so glad i did!

i went to the harbor, pioneer square (really cool shops & antique mall when i scored some sparklies!) and pike st market - which i completely forgot even existed! i found that by accident by just turning a corner and i was lovely! i got a few really good books - super cheap in this dusty little book store.

i like seattle - each time i've been there, the weather has been lovely. i'm sure it gets triesome when it rains all the time and you don't see the sun for days and weeks on end - but i have not experienced that. i like seattle much more than san francisco. it's really pretty, lots of history and lots of creativity. it's not dirty and crazy like san francisco...don't get me wrong, there's planty of dirty and crazy, just not like san fran, where dirty and crazy are militant and aggressive about it.

see! i almost forgot!

a little bit of time everyday....
let's see...today we'll update some x activity...in the past few months the x threw a temper tantrum b/c he found out he was not invited to a birthday party because i was instead. he saw photos on facebook and posted some shitty childish (of course) comments. he wouldn't take anyone's calls or listen to any explaination or apology. he deleted these friend and posted a blog declaring that he was cutting out the "assholes and users" from his life. he has found that with his mother's grave illness, he does not "have time" for these people. to that we all say "good riddance." he's a big ball of negativity and they/we are all releived to not have to tippy toe around him anymore.
what's kinda funny about the whole thing is that cut back to 2 years ago, a birthday/new year's eve party for the mutual friends recently ostracised by the x - i was not invited. i called to tell the friend that i didn't feel comfirtable going, to which he said "there were several people i did not invite to my party because i invited your x instead - i just didn't want any drama on my bday. to which i understood, and after hanging up the phone thought...wait a minute! i called to send my regrets that i wasn't going to make it to a party i wasn't even invited to? there were photos posted, looks like everyone had a good time. i quietly sulked away and didn't talk to a lot of these people for a long time...almost 2 years until i was invited to this bday party in march. it just shows how childish, narcissitic and how socially inept he truly is. so he has the people around him that don't rock the boat, don't question him, offend him or deny him his irrational behaviors in anyway. (except his immediate family, i suppose) good luck...enjoy!

once a day

so my best friend says to me today - just try to give your blog 10 minutes a day & don't beat yourself up about it if you don't. so that's what i'm doing. i also just bought a laptop, which will allow me more freedom than being tied to a desktop. i have so much to tell! a lot has happened and i have a lot of venting to do. a good friend is configuring the laptop for me, so all the settings are set appropriately. it's going to be very nice to have a new, clean laptop computer all to myself, without the bad juju that the x managed to dump into my desktop while surfing porn and downloading questionable files from questionable sources. (idiot) my desktop, while TITS when i first got it in 2001, is acting up and it probably on its way out. it was frankensteined together by my computer literate friends - and tekmologie has come so far, it really makes much more sense for me to have a laptop. so i forked over the $$ - on sale, a fair price $399 and good quality (toshiba) according to the my tek genious friend.
cheers my friend! to more blogging that no one will ever read!!!

things i need to get through

i think if things at nite - when i am struggling to go to sleep. i don't like to really talk to anyone about them, because i am working on getting over them and living my happy life with my love. sometimes the things the x has said to me come creeping back and start rotting my brain. as we know, everyone says awful things while in the midst of a break up. one of the many awful things the x said was regarding the gifts i had given him over the years, or the lack thereof. he brought up how he would shower me with birthday or christmas presents when he could (the few time he was working) because he couldn't pull his weight throughout the rest of the year and help pay his 1/2 of the bills. and how once, perhaps more than once (i am happy to no longer remember) that i did not get him a gift for his birthday and felt bad. i did however, end up spending hundreds of dollars to set up a birthday party at the house. we went to las vegas for valentine's day one year, on my dime, we went to coachella 6 years in a row, the tix were free but the food, hotel, gas, drugs - paid for by me. we went to santa barbra, san diego, san francisco, las vegas for new years - all paid for by me, because i was the only one ever working all of the time. we always had food, cable, phone, clothes, air conditioning, music, concerts, movies, dinners, we did almost anything and everything he wanted to do. i want this SHIT to be out of my head! i want to stop feeling like i was not good to him. how dare he!

We're All Zombies

Way back when – late 80s - I was still planning on an illustrious career in radio broadcasting. My best friend and I had our weekly radio show on a station that was broadcast from a local high school, supported by the county school board.
Also, at the same time, I was experimenting with drugs, going out dancing with friends and basically being a “club kid” before they knew what the term meant. (Michael Alig was probably still in middle school) We dressed outrageously, wore lots of make-up, ran around in a pack, and did our best to stand out and dared anyone NOT to notice. All the while, high as kites, pretending the no one knew we were high.
One of the local news stations took notice of this “scene” that was burgeoning in south florida – and yes – I am quite aware how the terms “scene” and “south florida” in the same sentence contradicts. They called their 20 minute segment (spread over 3 days) “Desperately Seeking Difference.” And of course, as any obtuse local news station is likely to do, the combined “thrash metal” (Metallica) and “punk rock” (yeah, right) together in an attempt to “define”. We listened to neither. The clubs we went to and the music we listened to was more dance oriented. We were getting into house music from the UK, Belgium and Chicago – it was dance music, just a little more aggressive, dark, and edgy, for lack of a better word. Finitribe, Clan of Xymox, Ganzeiht, Lords Of Acid, etc. – it was the early days of the acid house scene – way before anybody knew who the Prodigy was.
They brought their bright lights and TV cameras to Fire and Ice one night – filming and interviewing anyone dumb enough or desperate enough for the attention. We had no interest, even though we were probably what the expose should have been about. We avoided the lights and cameras – knowing it was a better idea to not get caught in the spotlight – all wide-eyed.“ZOLT” this Russian fashion designer with blue hair GRABS me (as we were most likely walking to the car to smoke more pot) and says – “come do an interview with me!”
So I’m rolling! Pretty hard, and I’m sure very obviously – and the jerk conducting the interview is talking to Zolt – asking him what it’s all about. My friends were off to the side – shouting and jeering at me, making fun. News guy puts the microphone in my face and asks my what my look was all about. (chain from nose to ear, purple hair, shredded dress, my just crawled out of the grave look, no doubt) To which my cheeky response was:
“We’re All Zombies!”
Then I went on to try to complete a thought about the music and the scene and how it’s not all that aggressive and so on – I can’t remember and I’m certain it was quite incoherent.
The only thing that made it on the air was me – hanging on Zolt’s arm (ok, maybe he was holding me up) saying “We’re All Zombies.” It was used as a BUMPER for the expose only and probably only aired twice! With the question preceeding” How do these kids see themselves” cut to me: “We’re All Zombies.”
Well, somehow, someone found out about it at the radio station and I got suspended. I had to take my case to the VP of the high school’s PTA. She sympathized, said she also felt I was misrepresented; however she would have to take it to the board to get me back on the air.
Weeks go by and I finally get on the phone with the assistant operations manager for the radio station. I was asking him what the problem was, when and if I could get back on air, how much I enjoyed it and so on. Then he says “you see, there’s a certain image we want to portray with the radio station”.
Wait a minute.
“did you just say I’m being kicked off the air for my image?!” I asked.
“Yeah, well, no, that’s not what I mean.” He backpedaled.
And there ended my career in radio.
CUT TO 1992. One of my all time favorite acts, Meat Beat Manifesto (don’t laugh – Jack Dangers is genius) comes out with an album called Satyricon. At the show, I’m looking at T-shirts to buy…which one did I get? The one that says “I AM A ZOMBIE”

Life in serendipitous sometimes, isn’t it?

Anyway – that’s my zombie story.

it's been a while, sorry

On September 6, 2007 an African Grey parrot named Alex dies prematurely at age thirty-one. His last words to his owner, Irene Pepperberg, were "You Be Good. I Love you." from Alex and Me.
I read this line over again and again and it still makes me cry. I'm reading the book now about the amazin things this parrot was able to do. I looked up a video on youtube and was even more devastated by the way the parrot looked and some of the comments that were posted. One person posted that it was all a hoax - that the parrot was simply trained to mimic responses based on cues from the trainer. alex was also under some kind of duress - as he had obviosly been plucking his feathers out. but i haven't finished the book - maybe the author/trainer/scientist addresses.
it breaks my heart in every way imaginable to think or know that this animal had a conciousness. that he actually felt for and was able to express to his owner how he felt. what tears me up about the story is that the owner/trainer/scientist struggled to maintain a scientist/subject relationship with the creature. perhaps that is why he was distressed enough to pull his feathers? because he knew his person didn't really care for him in any other way except as a test subject? maybe it was the day in day out of training, being asked the same questions over and over again to prove a scientific theory that lead the animal to be so stressed that he pulled his feathers?
while it is important to learn and understand how animals communicate and what level they may or may not comprehend and communicate emotions - the scientific approach, no matter how liberal (esp in this case, according to the scientist) is still cruel and unusual. furthermore, it's a shame that we need scientific validation in order to even come close to treating non-human animals with dignity ans respect. even with all the evidence, proof, scientific research, study and evidence that proves animals have a cognitive, emotional method of communication, it doesn't change the way we as a species treat others, does it.
i don't know where i belong in this world sometimes.

Death On A Factory Farm

So I heard about it on NPR. They expect this expose to have the same impact on pork consumption as it did when HBO (or was it Showtime) ran a similar expose on the veal industry. I certainly hope it does.
Now, I KNOW – I KNOW – how the meat industry is more cruel and unusual than water boarding, sleep deprivation, and nail pulling could ever try to be. And I know, I KNOW what a bad idea it is for me to watch such things.
But isn’t it important to be as educated as possible about your arguments? Know your enemy, they say. I started watching the 2nd half of the documentary and it was all in the courtroom. Anytime I thought they were going to show any footage, I changed the channel. I wanted to know the outcome. But watching it in the presence of another was making us both uncomfortable. Even though, the courtroom testimony was being edited to show just how cruel and wrong this factory farm in Ohio really was in its treatment of the hogs and sows.
So I started watching the 1st half of the documentary last nite and have been fighting back a breakdown ever since. (thank you xanax) I obviously had to stop watching. I couldn’t change the channel often enough to hear the reporting from the undercover investigator and avoid the images he was able to record in his 6 weeks at the facility. Considering his goal was to record the greatest form of cruelty, hanging the hogs/sows by a chain in an effort to euthanize them – everything else that is common and acceptable practice was devastating - absolutely devastating in the truest sense of the word.
What is missing in a human being’s brain to be able to look at an animal, any animal and exact that kind of treatment upon it?
I’m certainly off meat again. I had started making excuses, that I didn’t have the patience and I was too lazy to keep meat out of my diet all together. And those who know me know that I don’t eat much anyway, and how picky I’ve always been about what/where/how I would eat it. Well, now I’m off it again, 100%. Probably even cheese. I can’t handle the responsibility of taking life and life products from animals.
Then I start to think of the sustainability (or lack thereof) that this planet has to offer, should everyone go vegetarian, or vegan. There’s too many of us. the planet cannot sustain all of us. the mass production of food for this planet, nation, state, community….how much of the food, fruits and vegetables that overflow every market on the corner of every street rot before they are sold? (do we need a gelsons’ right across the street from Ralphs, two blocks down from a Vons? East coast friends, insert, Publix, Winn Dixie, etc) Why do we have to produce SO much, just so that it cannot be consumed? They have to pump the food with pesticides and genetically modify them to be bigger, shinier, cleaner and prettier for us to consume them. A dairy farmer was in this documentary and commented on how if people keep this up, this exposing people of their cruelty towards animals, that it’s going to put people like him out of business. “and then there’s gonna be a lot of hungry people” really? Will there be? Do we NEED to produce that much? And if people will go hungry, well isn’t that just survival of the fittest? Maybe we CAN’T feed everybody. When there isn’t enough food for animals in their natural habitat, which we have encroached upon and destroyed, therefore there is not enough “natural habitat” for them to survive ON…what happens? They starve to death, or better yet, humans get to hunt and kill them! Do thumbs really make us that more precious to survive.
I don’t know where I fit in to this equation. I don’t know how to balance my existence with the mass over-production and over-consumption of our society. I can do only what I can do, eat organic, eat local, recycle - but eating organic just contributes to the over production and consumption, and lack of sustainability, doesn’t it? last year, California voted to allow farm animals more space, so that they can “turn around, sit, and lie down” (or course, in their own waste) Why do we need them in these pens? Let alone why they need to be so small. “Free range chicken and eggs” are promoted in the stores – when do pigs get free range? Before they go to slaughter? A factory farm is not a slaughterhouse. It’s a place where the pigs are bread to go to slaughter, they send the piglets to be raised for meat processing – did my vote go towards factory farms or slaughter houses?
The documentary is sickening. It sickens me how we treat animals in the society. It’s torture. They are innocent. They can only scream and squeal and whimper. It seems to be the only reason we don’t allow torture of humans is because humans can verbalize their pain and fear. Why are we so arrogant? Because we don’t speak pig, then they aren’t in pain, don’t know fear and torture. It makes me ashamed to be human.

it's been a while

i know, i haven't posted in a while. been kinda busy with work - and a bit uninspired, i suppose. it's 5.20p and i've barely done a freaking thing at work today except fuck around. i've done a few little things here and there - just enough to get by. i decided to have a birthday party while one of my BFFs is in town from atlanta. i've invited the friends we reconnected with. which has turned out to be quite a lackluster reconnection. apparently only a reconnection in an effort to avoid any continuted drama or weirdness - not really a connection for a desired or long lost friendship or anything. that's fine - whatever. we've gone out a couple of times, people didn't talk to us at one party so we left (it was a weird house party anyway - the guy's bday & he's a douche for the most part.) we went to a club/show/party on saturday that was ok. the only problem was that the troll was there. i thought dude was gonna hit her. he really wanted to. he wanted to tell her to leave, call her a troll and threaten her with bodily harm. i told him i support him telling her to leave and calling her a troll, but he cannot threaten her with any physical harm, because that is illegal. i really with he would have. she's SUCH a troll. and she's put on weight! haha. she used to be obese - and more frightening looking, then she lost weight and the last time i saw her, she was more of a chubby chick - now she's fat again. i've put on weight too, though. but i'm starting medifast tomorrow or the day after, so i'll loose it again - plus - i'm not THAT fat! and i'm not horrifyingly ugly either!! we left that party, came home and had amazing sex for a few hours. (sigh) i LOVE having sex with him - he's SO FUCKING incredible! we have the BEST.SEX.EVER!
we got invited to a hollywood bday party this weekend (3/13) that should be a rager and a sidewhow of freaks! looking fwd to it. too bad we did the last of our droqz on saturday - cuz this one might be a good time - but then again, it might be better to see it all sober - we'll remember more of it! the guy hosting the party is a fairly notorious trainwreck, DUI's recently failed marriage, total party/drug fiend and a comic book NERD to boot!
i found a long lost friend that i grew up with on mahspace - heather. which may be a gateway into a couple of other people from my teeny tiny highschool that are on face book, which i refuse to join. i'll keep you posted.

a friend of the x, who used to be friends with "us" wants to reconnect with me. there was quite a bit of drama during the break up. this friend, and his then fiance, now wife, ended up casualties of the break up. he was a good friend for a while, he went to praque to work on prince caspian for 6 months and she and i became very close. she was wonderful and supportive through my sick family, the x being a loser, my growing fondness for the dude and somewhat erratic behavour overall. she was kind and permissive, saying that i was going to do strange and irrational things and people were just going to have to deal with it. hardly a day goes by that i don't miss her friendship. she was becoming the friend that i have been longing for.
when he returned from prague, he thought it would be ok to pick up where we left off when i was ok with the x - but not ok with my growing friendship with her. (we would sneak a kiss every now and then, when no one was looking) when i told the dude about it, he explained to me how many different ways it was wrong and a betrayal to her and to him. i felt guilty and ashamed, how irresponsible, disrespectful and immature of us to behave in such a way.
then the friend had a birthday party that i just couldn’t attend. the x was being particularly horrifying, threatening to throw my belongings on the lawn if i didn’t pay my ½ of the rent. knowing that he would be at the party, i thought it best to call and say that i regretfully could not attend. it was at that point that i found out that i was not even invited, along with 3 other people who the x was having problems with at the time. we were not invited because he didn’t want any drama. and it didn’t occur to me at the time, only after the fact how shitty that was. i mean, i know everyone eventually chooses sides, but can’t you leave it up to those involved to act like adults and not cause drama at the your birthday party? i was hurt and offended. Being the non-confrontational type, i just let it go. i moved all of my belongings out of the house in one day and left, went away from everyone. there was gossip that i was a coke whore, no one knew where i was staying and no one cared or called. over a year goes by, i haven’t spoken to either of them. i saw them at a party before christmas and they were both so high, they couldn’t even speak. i thought that was kinda gross, to be honest. i mean, i've spend many a party with them, very high, and i guess i shouldn’t have been so judgmental over it, she hugged me and fell on my as she said “we need to talk” i said i know we do, just not here and now. she never called. he never called. he could barely focus enough say hello. and now the dude finds himself working with him.

a week & 1/2 goes by & he tells dude he wants to "talk". they talk & all is ok. they agree that they can be friends, we can all be friends, but dude will not put up with any bullshit. dude called him on our little thing, said how the x has such a negative influence over all and he's not having it. also told him that i am heartbroken & upset about fucking up my relationship with her. and how conflicted i am over the whole thing.
so he wants to talk to me - catch up, clear the air and such. i want and need her friendship so badly. but i really don't know how to face her. i guess we have to figure it out. for all i know, he may have told her and she either didn't care, doesn't care, or is willing to not care as long as it never happens again, and it will never happen again. it's not that important to me at all, and i certainly hope it's not that important to him. it was cute and fun when i was with the x. we are different now, i am different now, it's not cute and fun anymore. that would be great, but too good to be true, huh? what's more likely to happen is that this is something that we three, dude, him & me will always have to keep to ourselves and feel guilty about.
this can open up a can of worms with some of the other x friends. some that i should have not stopped talking to, but i did because of the dude. because we were carrying on for as long as we have and no one knew, i needed to stay clear of most people. honestly it was none of their business. i have this weird obligation or guilt complex. i feel compelled to explain the why and when of everything. i guess this could be a first of many steps back into the world.

correspondences

so we've been going back and forth every day, at least twice a day. he's easy to write to. it's nice to have someone to "talk" to, in a way. i don't feel the desperate longing or devastation i felt when i was younger. i don't feel what i would feel when i would think of him over the years, or see his letters wrapped in satin ribbon. now that i have him in my life, thanks to the interweb, i don't feel the desperation for communication and contact. which is nice. it's just nice to have someone to communicate with - run through the thoughts and feelings in my head. i hope he doesn't think i have the same feelings for him - i hope he doesn't think i am in the same place i was all those years ago. i suppose i'll make that clear at some point.

it was him

so it's him. the penpal i'd lost so long ago. he remembers me, kind of, i think. i don't know if he's intimidated by what he remembers of me/us. he made sure to tell me he was married. but i can't tell if he was saying that just as a briefing of his life history, or if he was doing what he thought he needed to do to make himself clear on the fact that he was not available. i am in no way interested in that. i don't really know what i want from him. just to reach out and know he's there. someone i thought i knew once. someone i never really knew at all. weird. this whole internet social networking thing...weird. what does one stand to gain? i suppose at the very least, images of far away friends. i had never seen this andy before. i never knew what he looked like. his looks don't surprise me. he was shy and bookish then, he looks the part now. and that's ok. i guess it's the same reason i keep in touch with one particular friend from childhood - 3rd grade to be more precise. it's a familiarity - something human i suppose. like i said to my bff today - i'm so desperate for a true, good friend - she said she'd be terribly jealous, but she wants and hopes that i find someone. it's getting late - who needs a friend by the time they are my age? one is havign a birthday party this weekend. one that i've known for so long and i so deeply want to reconnect with, but we just can't. i don't see myself fitting into his life anymore, and he certainly sends no signals wanting me in his life in any real capacity. it's lovely that we can talk at great length, but i think he can do that with most people. my bff said a funny thing, as cynical as i like to think that i am, and as hurt as i may have been, and even with all the walls around me, if someone leans in just the slightest bit, i'm eager to let them in. that i am open-hearted. that is why she is my bff.

isms....

so i went to the endicrinologist today. i get to start taking hormones for my thyroid. i am destined for hypothyroidism, (hashimoto's disease) and i'll certainly have to take them anyway. the dr. wants me to start now, even though i am not having any real symptoms, except the nodule on my thyroid causing my thyroid to toughen up (in texture) in an effort to get rid of the thyroid. in some instances, the addition of hormones relax the nodule, and soften it, and make the nodule go away. that's what he'd like to see happen, but it's more likely that it will not, and my thyroid will deteriorate more and not produce enough of the necessary hormones to maintain my system and i will have to take meds anyway.
i met a old friend at the market a few weeks ago and mentioned that i was dealing with some thyroid issues. he's a funny little man, a health freak, raw food eater, and he told me he could talk to me for hours on how to best maintain my diet and avoid any throid problems. i think i'm going to reach out to him again. let him talk my ear off and see if any of it sinks in and helps. roger is a good guy. friend of the x, so that should piss the x off, too.

It's the Stalker in me

are you still a stalker if you've never been caught? i openly admit to using myspace primarily to keep my eye on those who must be kept, enemies from my past and frequently, to search for names and faces from my past. i think i might have found one from a distant long ago land. i had many penpals when i was younger. started later than most, i guess, around 15 or 16 and by the time i was 17 or 18 had about 20 some odd penpals across the country. i still have a stack of letters in a box, too...oddly enough. i am painfully sentimental, so i guess it's not that odd. we all used pennames. hardly ever knew each other's real names (see anonimity has always been my modus operandi). one of mine was "leather" - because i fancied myself subversive to some extent and interested in more deviant behaviours. (but that's an entirely different blog all together) one pen pal, i can't say where or how he found me, but the first letter had me. we corresponded, pages and pages, of devotional fodder. he was planning to be a writer - and i - it turned out, became his muse. i was very good at sussing out phone numbers, back in the day, when all you had to do was call information - and i got him on the phone. that broke down yet another barrier and we talked for hours. i got his number to his college dorm, and we'd talk all night long. the phone bill was astronimical! my mom was PISSED! i mean - we CARRIED ON! talking about our future together, talking about NYC and the cold and how wonderful it would be to be together, to meet, to kiss, to touch. then, as i planned a trip to the northeast to meet 2 of my penpals - i told him i wanted to meet him. and he balked - told me he was afraid he wouldn't live up to my expectations and that he was not deserving and all. then i came to realise that i was nothing more to him than a literary device. that all of the letters we wrote, all the beautiful words he said to me, were just lies. just practice for his writing. i was devasted. i devastated him. neither one of us realized how hurtful and dangerous we were being to each other. he had no idea how devoted i could be. i know how exactly how obsessive i am. i have not changed much over the years. i set my mind on something and do everything i can to get it. i am ridiculously devoted - when i love, i live and breathe for the person and it's almost suffocating. over the years i have become a better stalker. much better. no one knows.
so - i sent a message to this person - simply asking if he had penpals when he was young. his profile hints at all the things he was when we were young. he is still verbose, certainly still emotional, but much more...womanly...than i care to have in my life. i don't suppose he was ever really very "strong". strength and a certain level of dominance is something that i have found i need in my life. i am strong, a strong partner balances me. i've been with the weak and it doesn't work.
in any case - i'm so curious to know if it is him. the age doesn't quite match - i remember us being closer in age, and his profile indicates that he is younger...but we all lie.
stay tuned....

Dreams of my mother

Mom was in my dream last nite - i can't quite remember it all....we were in our house in ft lauderdale for part of it. her parents had recently dies and we were gathering their jewelry to send to one of those cash for gold places...there was more shelving and china throughout the house. i wonder if that's a connection to the x's mother who collects fire king and all that kind of stuff....

catching up on boredom

Be hones​t no matte​r what!
​1- Who was your last text from?​dude
2- Where​ was your defau​lt pic taken​?​in my back yard of my old house that I gave up in order to get away from the horrible situation I was in
3- Do you love the last perso​n you kisse​d?​I do
4- Who is your best guy and girl frien​d?​guy? Him girl? Kdoh & lacy
5- Have you ever lost a close​ frien​d?​I have
6- What is your curre​nt mood?​good, except for the raging headache
7- What'​s your siste​r'​s name?​annalisa
8- What'​s your favor​ite color​(​s)​?​I like colors – I’m drawn to orange, pink, green, purple – but always need black to balance it all out
9- Where​ do you wish you were right​ now?home
10- Have you ever been in trouble​le with the cops?​uh…kinda
11- Ever had a near death​ exper​ience​?​I live and drive in LA, what do you think?
12- Somet​hing you do a lot?have headaches
13- Angry​/​mad at anyon​e?​nah
14- What'​s stopp​ing you from going​ for the perso​n you like?​nothing
15- When was the last time you cried​?​I could have cried yesterday, but stopped myself – I cried a bit saturday
16- Is there​ anyon​e you woul​d do anyth​ing for?sure
17- What do you think​ about​ when you are falli​ng aslee​p?​can’t recall – I was awake a lot last nite
18- What are your lucky​ numbe​rs?​I don't have any lucky numbers but I LIKE 13 and 7.
19- Who is your frien​d that is close​st to you?physically or emotionally?
20- Descr​ibe your life in one word.improving21- Have you ever kisse​d outsi​de durin​g a thund​ersto​rm?​um…no, I don’t think it was thundering
22- Who are you think​ing of right​ now?dude & my friends…I’m a little all over the place
23- What shoul​d you be doing​ right​ now?working
24- What did you do yeste​rday?​farmers market, taschen book sale, watched TV, great sex…
25- What are you liste​ning to right​ now?office noise
26- Who was the last perso​n you hugge​d?​dude
27-​Would​ you kiss the last perso​n you kisse​d again​?​uh huh
28- What do you disli​ke at this momen​t?​my headache, my job & that I can’t see my cats
29- Do you act diffe​rentl​y aroun​d the perso​n you like?sometimes
30- Whats​ your natur​al hair color​?​mousey
31- What was the last thing​ to make you laugh​?​prolly the dude

THE UNCOMFORTABLE SURVEY!Lets see if you can get through it.
(Wasn't really that uncomfortable...)
Shortest relationship?um…2.5 years maybe?
How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you they love you and meant it?all of em
Have you ever been dumped?I have
Have you ever dumped someone?I have
Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?I doHave you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?I think so
Are you happier single or in a relationship?relationship
Has anyone ever cheated on someone else with you?I believe so
Have you ever broken someone's heart?I believe so
Talk to your ex's?only when I have to
If you could, would you go back and change things with an ex?nope
Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?I am!
Ever dated people that werent good for you?oh yes.
Have you ever dated someone older than you?I have
Have you ever dated someone younger than you?I have
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?No, not everyone
How do you feel about the first guy/girl on your top friends ?love
Believe in love at first sight?I do
Ever dated two people at once?don’t think so
Do you have something to say to any of your ex's.nope
Ever stolen someone's boyfriend or girlfriend?no comment
Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend?sure
Are you looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend?no
Ever had a threesome?noHave you ever flash or mooned someone?no
Ever been so drunk you can't remember the night?I guess
Do you smoke cigarettes?I do not
Do you dip tobacco?gross
Do you do any hardcore drugs?whatdoyagot?
Have you ever lost someone close to you?I have

Repost this asthe uncomfortable survey

Did you and the last perso​n you dated​ have baby names​ picke​d out?never wanted kids, but would name a girl Sarah Josephine and call her Jozie.
Relat​ionsh​ips or one night​ stand​s?​​relationships
Believe in karma?if only karma sent a postcard
Is there​ somet​hing speci​al you want for Chris​tmas?​​not thinking about that right now…maybe a new house for my cats
Which of your friends lives the closest?dude
Who do you like?​​a few people
Who was the last perso​n you kisse​d?​​dude
What were you up to at 9pm last night​?​​tv
Do you have any bruis​es?​​always...
Last time you saw your best frien​d(​​s)​​?​when my mom died
Why did you cry the last time you did?frustration
What are you looki​ng forwa​rd to in the next 7 days?lunch with a friend and the weekend, mostly
What was the first​ thing​ you thoug​ht this morni​ng?​​I didn’t sleep much
Will you be up befor​e 7 am tomor​row?​​awake, for sure, but not up
Who did you last get into a big argum​ent with?​​the x
What was the first​ thing​ you did this morni​ng?​​snuggled
How are you feeli​ng right​ now?raging headache & kinda dizzy
Are you weari​ng socks​?​​yeah
Conne​ction​ betwe​en you and the last perso​n who text messa​ged you?connected
Do you think​ a lot of peopl​e think​ bad thing​s about​ you?I’m sure they do, I don’t care
Did you hate the last perso​n you kisse​d?​​that’s a silly question
Who is your last text from?​​dude
What was the last thing​ you bough​t?​​coffee
Do you laugh​ a lot?no, I don’t laugh very easily. But I like to
Are you tickl​ish?​​sometimes
If someo​ne liked​ you right​ now, would​ you want them to tell you?sure
Does anyon​e know your passw​ord besid​es you?nope
Why did your last relat​ionsh​ip fail?​​we don’t have the time or space to go into that
What is your Boyfriend/girlfriends name?I shouldn’t say
What color underwear are you wearing now?black
What are you listening to right now?office noise
What are the last 4 digits in your phone number?4145
What was the last thing you ate?blueberries
How is the weather right now?sunny & chilly
Who was the last person to call you?bossman
What is your eye color?dark brown
Do you wear glasses?for reading only
Favorite Movie?The Cook The Thief His Wife and Her Lover
Have you ever fired a gun?on, not interested
Do you like to travel by plane?not at all
How many pillows do you sleep with?at least 2
Are you hiding anything from anyone?sure

Besides your mouth, where is your favorite spot to get a kiss?cheek
Were you happy when you woke up today?tired
How about now?headache
Do you eat candy on a daily basis?No.
Who was the last person you ate with?myself.
Are you currently taking a science class in school?no
Would you rather have chicken or steak?I don’t eat steak, and i'd really rather not have chicken
Are you different now than you were six months ago?definitely
What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?hmm…water maybe
How old will you be in a year?older than you
What month is your birthday in?march
Can you live a day without tv?absolutely
When was the last time you saw your dad?years and years ago
Do you have to really know someone to kiss them?really? no
Who was the last person to compliment you?denise
Is anything stuck in your head?pain
What's all you did today?what a strange way to phrase a question…worked mostly
Do you often use the term "slut"?I dunno, I guess frequently
Do you regret anything you've done in the past 24 hours?nah
Did you talk to anybody random today?not at all, not yet
Any big plans for the weekend? Next weekend?nope
What was the last thing you dressed up as for Halloween?Bride of Frankenstein
What is your current relationship status?in one
Write a brief statement saying anything you want to an anonymous person?I think that’s what I’m already doing
Are the best things in life free?no
Are your parents proud of your recent behavior?they wouldn’t know
Do you know all the colors in the rainbow?yes- I was obsessed with rainbows in middle school. Rainbows, unicorns and little things
Who would you really like to become better friends with?I really need a good friend here in town
Have you ever written a poem?re-written one, yes
Do you have a calendar in your room?no
Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?easily, I’ve gone this long without one
Do you personally know anybody who has more than five tattoos?please
Do you prefer Jamba Juice or Starbucks?starbucks, for medicinal purposes only
What is your fondest high school memory? So far?um…wow – I’ve blocked those out – graduating, I guess.
Is anybody jealous of you?yes
Do you use the internet daily?almost daily
Could you imagine your life without your best friend?no
Do you like change?change is goodWhat were you doing at 4am this morning?tossing or turning, one or the other
Have you kissed anyone already in 2009?I have
Have you held hands with anyone in the past three days?..I have
Did you have sex with anyone on new years?I did
How's your heart lately?ok
What can't you wait for?a lot of things – but I have to be patient
What exactly are you wearing?knit pants, sweater, boots, underthings, some jewelry, glasses
When was the last time you cleaned your room?it’s clean
Is there anyone you're worried about right now?of course
Think back to the last person you held hands with, would you kiss them?I would!
Have you ever had your blood taken?I have
Will you still be in a relationship in 4 months?yes
Has anyone ever ruined your life?someone definitely had an affect on certain things in my life that have gone bad, yes.
What is something you currently want?all of it
Do you like to have long hair or short hair?long
Do you like to eat ice?ice is bad for your teeth – so is popcorn
Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met?I have
Do you have any text messages that you don't want other people to read?no
Would you take a bullet for anyone?not just anyone
Who did you last talk to on the phone?bossman
Who did you last talk to through AIM?nixmom
Ever had surgery?no
Ever made out in a bathroom?I have
What should you be doing?working
Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?dude
Have you ever seen the last person you texted naked, or close?heh heh close AND naked!
Whats your favorite color?I like colors
Was today a good day?It was fine...so far
What color shirt are you wearing?Black sweater
Have you ever dated anyone on your top?no
Do you want to see somebody right now?yes
What was the last thing that made you laugh?my stupid boss just made me chuckle