wow - i suck

so i left the house this morning - the a/c was on the nite before and the house was fairly cool. dude was called to set at 3a. i figured i'd come home for lunch. i also treated the chair that edgg'r had pee'd on last year - thinking that i'd come home for lunch & put it all back together. problem is - i didn't come home for lunch.
dude got home from set about 5 & sent a text saying the house was boiling cuz i didn't open any windows! then called me and said the kittkes pee'd all over the kitched floor outside of the box and vomited in the living room. and apparently pee'd on the living room carpet. he had to come home from a long day and clean up cat mess.
dude is NOT happy.
i don't know what i should do. he's made more than one comment on how the addition of my kitten has changed the behaviour of his cat. we even had his cat at the vet 2 weeks ago - just to make sure there wasn't anything seriously wrong with him - he had diareah and was crying in the box. he had a little bladder infection, but was otherwise ok.
i can treat the lving room carpet with the same stuff i used on the chair - it seems to work well. but this overall is kinda bad for us.
srsly - i don't know what i should do. maybe i should offer to leave. once he pays me back i'll be able to afford to put a deposit down on a place. i'm in a bit of a panic and haven't felt good about 'us' off and on for a while now. i wonder if this is the last straw for him?
i have the next 3 days off from work. i guess i'll spend a good protion of that time working on us.
god i suck! how could i do that to those cute little kitties.

blogging by work

so the job that i hate has now started a blog. and employees are not encouraged to blog, but forced to do so.
annoying.
i blog because i want to, as an exercise in emotional futility. (since no one reads) as previously stated - a way for me to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head without hurting anyone else or being ridiculed or critisized. and so far so good. (although, not much of a sounding board, since no on reads and i don't get any feedback on whether i am out of line on my thinking)
blogging because i HAVE to kinda defeats the purpose, don't you think? i do. i won't know what YOU think because you're not reading or commenting, right?
(god, i sound schitzophrenic!)
anway, work blog = lame.

A year goes by...

so its been a year since my mom died. a year and a day. time seems to go by more quickly now. i'm not sure if it's because i'm 40, because she's gone and i don't talk to her or wait to see her anymore or all of the above. but this year has flown by.
i haven't talked to my sister in a little over a month. she's mad at me because i got irritated with her for asking me for money. i just can't get over the choices she has made in her life. i know that they are her choices, and i should not and cannot judge - i just don't know where or what our relationship is anymore. i didn't hear from my uncle either. again - so far away from them - so detached. i feel like they have let go, and perhaps so should i. my sister and i were supposed to go to florida this month and spread my mother's ashes in the ocean, bonsidering she just asked me for $$, and we haven't talked, she obviously doesn't have her shit together enough to get to FL. it's going to be more of a process for me to get there, she 's just going to drive - i have to take time off work, fly, rent a car or get someone to pick me up at the airport and whatever. plus we "planned" on inviting my mother's friends to the...memorial...some of them are out of state, too so they need to plan. maybe next year? shitty of us, isn't it?

Bonus

ok, so i think i've mentioned before how totally done i am with the music business, my job of the past 20+ years. i am dialing it in at my current job, and pretty much have been doing so since my mother died around this time last year. it's not important to me, i don't care about the artists we work with, sales, or anything of the sort. i've spent over 1/2 my life working and trying really hard to get recognized, be acknowledged for my experience and talents at my job. now, i'm being recognized and rewarded for mediocre work, lack of effort, passion and drive - all the while being told i'm doing great work, putting forth a lot of effort and admired for my passion and drive. it confuses me. it shocks me. i don't understand it really. i spend the greater part of my day fucking off...surfing the net, IMing, whatever - actual work time is minimal. i sit in an office all day, alone, no one watching over me, monitoring me or anything. i even FORGOT to turn in my weekly report of what the fuck i did all week last week and no one batted an eye! the owner just gave me $200 for "kicking ass" - really, i didn't DO anything! i sent a couple of emails and a vague promise to possibly commit to something that may or may not happen. (if it doesn't, so i have to give the bonus back?)
weird. just weird.

sleeplessness

So dude says to me yesterday, he's concerned with my lack of sleep, and thinks/feels that it is having a negative impact on our relationship. he thinks i snap at him and react negatively because i am not sleeping well.
first of all - i snap because i am provoked. i do not snap for no reason.
example a) we were walking home from the movies, (we were irritated during the movie several times by people using their phones and ranted about that for a while during our walk) my friend charlie made a comment referencing a song that i did not catch. and chris mockingly teased "oh you music snobs" or something to that effect. meanwhile, he had made a comment to what i thought was similar about the artist previously referenced to just a few hours earlier, so i called him on it. he said i was jumping up his ass and that i had a lot of anger. so i said "it's because i eat the dreams of small children as they sleep" - a quote from the movie we had just seen that we both thought was funny. i thought we were joking and playing around. apparently we weren't b/c he didn't talk to me for the rest of that night and brought this up last nite.
example b) we went to the movies again yesterday, and during the movie were a bit irritated by the old people wandering around the theatre, and talking during the movie, and ranted about that. it was very crowded and people were stepping all in front of us not looking where they were going...2 small children running and screaming nearly stepped on my bare toes so i jumped, wondered who they belonged to and asked if we could shift over a bit while we talked about the movie we had just seen. and we did. he's done that to me before - asked me to move over so we could walk more comfortably - i didn't think it was a big deal for me to ask the same of him. apparently it was, because of what he brought up later last nite.
this is something i've never understood - how MY reaction to something, no matter how similar it may be to another persons' can be mistaken and misunderstood.
and how, when confronted - i cannot react as if i am being attacked because i'm told i'm not being attacked. he said he's telling me how he feels, he's not attacking me, he's trying to be constructive and worries about me, and i'm hurting his feelings when i snap at him.
and if i try to explain, i feel like i am then being combative or too defensive.
i argue to specific points. this is how i see something, this is how i interpretted it, this is why i responded. i don't try to generalize or make sweeping assumptions during my arguements. so that when someone tells me you ALWAYS do this or that - i can call them on it and say, no, this is the reason i did this, and here is the reason i did that. it has nothing to do with my sleep, or lack thereof.
i don't sleep because i don't like my job
i worry about money
i worry about my relationship
i don't feel like he wants to spend the rest of his life with me
i worry about my cats
i worry that i've become a burden and that me and my little kitten may soon not be welcomed anymore.
i worry that i am not good enough for him
not pretty enough
not talented enough
not sucessful enough
not driven enough