a friend of the x, who used to be friends with "us" wants to reconnect with me. there was quite a bit of drama during the break up. this friend, and his then fiance, now wife, ended up casualties of the break up. he was a good friend for a while, he went to praque to work on prince caspian for 6 months and she and i became very close. she was wonderful and supportive through my sick family, the x being a loser, my growing fondness for the dude and somewhat erratic behavour overall. she was kind and permissive, saying that i was going to do strange and irrational things and people were just going to have to deal with it. hardly a day goes by that i don't miss her friendship. she was becoming the friend that i have been longing for.
when he returned from prague, he thought it would be ok to pick up where we left off when i was ok with the x - but not ok with my growing friendship with her. (we would sneak a kiss every now and then, when no one was looking) when i told the dude about it, he explained to me how many different ways it was wrong and a betrayal to her and to him. i felt guilty and ashamed, how irresponsible, disrespectful and immature of us to behave in such a way.
then the friend had a birthday party that i just couldn’t attend. the x was being particularly horrifying, threatening to throw my belongings on the lawn if i didn’t pay my ½ of the rent. knowing that he would be at the party, i thought it best to call and say that i regretfully could not attend. it was at that point that i found out that i was not even invited, along with 3 other people who the x was having problems with at the time. we were not invited because he didn’t want any drama. and it didn’t occur to me at the time, only after the fact how shitty that was. i mean, i know everyone eventually chooses sides, but can’t you leave it up to those involved to act like adults and not cause drama at the your birthday party? i was hurt and offended. Being the non-confrontational type, i just let it go. i moved all of my belongings out of the house in one day and left, went away from everyone. there was gossip that i was a coke whore, no one knew where i was staying and no one cared or called. over a year goes by, i haven’t spoken to either of them. i saw them at a party before christmas and they were both so high, they couldn’t even speak. i thought that was kinda gross, to be honest. i mean, i've spend many a party with them, very high, and i guess i shouldn’t have been so judgmental over it, she hugged me and fell on my as she said “we need to talk” i said i know we do, just not here and now. she never called. he never called. he could barely focus enough say hello. and now the dude finds himself working with him.

a week & 1/2 goes by & he tells dude he wants to "talk". they talk & all is ok. they agree that they can be friends, we can all be friends, but dude will not put up with any bullshit. dude called him on our little thing, said how the x has such a negative influence over all and he's not having it. also told him that i am heartbroken & upset about fucking up my relationship with her. and how conflicted i am over the whole thing.
so he wants to talk to me - catch up, clear the air and such. i want and need her friendship so badly. but i really don't know how to face her. i guess we have to figure it out. for all i know, he may have told her and she either didn't care, doesn't care, or is willing to not care as long as it never happens again, and it will never happen again. it's not that important to me at all, and i certainly hope it's not that important to him. it was cute and fun when i was with the x. we are different now, i am different now, it's not cute and fun anymore. that would be great, but too good to be true, huh? what's more likely to happen is that this is something that we three, dude, him & me will always have to keep to ourselves and feel guilty about.
this can open up a can of worms with some of the other x friends. some that i should have not stopped talking to, but i did because of the dude. because we were carrying on for as long as we have and no one knew, i needed to stay clear of most people. honestly it was none of their business. i have this weird obligation or guilt complex. i feel compelled to explain the why and when of everything. i guess this could be a first of many steps back into the world.

correspondences

so we've been going back and forth every day, at least twice a day. he's easy to write to. it's nice to have someone to "talk" to, in a way. i don't feel the desperate longing or devastation i felt when i was younger. i don't feel what i would feel when i would think of him over the years, or see his letters wrapped in satin ribbon. now that i have him in my life, thanks to the interweb, i don't feel the desperation for communication and contact. which is nice. it's just nice to have someone to communicate with - run through the thoughts and feelings in my head. i hope he doesn't think i have the same feelings for him - i hope he doesn't think i am in the same place i was all those years ago. i suppose i'll make that clear at some point.

it was him

so it's him. the penpal i'd lost so long ago. he remembers me, kind of, i think. i don't know if he's intimidated by what he remembers of me/us. he made sure to tell me he was married. but i can't tell if he was saying that just as a briefing of his life history, or if he was doing what he thought he needed to do to make himself clear on the fact that he was not available. i am in no way interested in that. i don't really know what i want from him. just to reach out and know he's there. someone i thought i knew once. someone i never really knew at all. weird. this whole internet social networking thing...weird. what does one stand to gain? i suppose at the very least, images of far away friends. i had never seen this andy before. i never knew what he looked like. his looks don't surprise me. he was shy and bookish then, he looks the part now. and that's ok. i guess it's the same reason i keep in touch with one particular friend from childhood - 3rd grade to be more precise. it's a familiarity - something human i suppose. like i said to my bff today - i'm so desperate for a true, good friend - she said she'd be terribly jealous, but she wants and hopes that i find someone. it's getting late - who needs a friend by the time they are my age? one is havign a birthday party this weekend. one that i've known for so long and i so deeply want to reconnect with, but we just can't. i don't see myself fitting into his life anymore, and he certainly sends no signals wanting me in his life in any real capacity. it's lovely that we can talk at great length, but i think he can do that with most people. my bff said a funny thing, as cynical as i like to think that i am, and as hurt as i may have been, and even with all the walls around me, if someone leans in just the slightest bit, i'm eager to let them in. that i am open-hearted. that is why she is my bff.

isms....

so i went to the endicrinologist today. i get to start taking hormones for my thyroid. i am destined for hypothyroidism, (hashimoto's disease) and i'll certainly have to take them anyway. the dr. wants me to start now, even though i am not having any real symptoms, except the nodule on my thyroid causing my thyroid to toughen up (in texture) in an effort to get rid of the thyroid. in some instances, the addition of hormones relax the nodule, and soften it, and make the nodule go away. that's what he'd like to see happen, but it's more likely that it will not, and my thyroid will deteriorate more and not produce enough of the necessary hormones to maintain my system and i will have to take meds anyway.
i met a old friend at the market a few weeks ago and mentioned that i was dealing with some thyroid issues. he's a funny little man, a health freak, raw food eater, and he told me he could talk to me for hours on how to best maintain my diet and avoid any throid problems. i think i'm going to reach out to him again. let him talk my ear off and see if any of it sinks in and helps. roger is a good guy. friend of the x, so that should piss the x off, too.

It's the Stalker in me

are you still a stalker if you've never been caught? i openly admit to using myspace primarily to keep my eye on those who must be kept, enemies from my past and frequently, to search for names and faces from my past. i think i might have found one from a distant long ago land. i had many penpals when i was younger. started later than most, i guess, around 15 or 16 and by the time i was 17 or 18 had about 20 some odd penpals across the country. i still have a stack of letters in a box, too...oddly enough. i am painfully sentimental, so i guess it's not that odd. we all used pennames. hardly ever knew each other's real names (see anonimity has always been my modus operandi). one of mine was "leather" - because i fancied myself subversive to some extent and interested in more deviant behaviours. (but that's an entirely different blog all together) one pen pal, i can't say where or how he found me, but the first letter had me. we corresponded, pages and pages, of devotional fodder. he was planning to be a writer - and i - it turned out, became his muse. i was very good at sussing out phone numbers, back in the day, when all you had to do was call information - and i got him on the phone. that broke down yet another barrier and we talked for hours. i got his number to his college dorm, and we'd talk all night long. the phone bill was astronimical! my mom was PISSED! i mean - we CARRIED ON! talking about our future together, talking about NYC and the cold and how wonderful it would be to be together, to meet, to kiss, to touch. then, as i planned a trip to the northeast to meet 2 of my penpals - i told him i wanted to meet him. and he balked - told me he was afraid he wouldn't live up to my expectations and that he was not deserving and all. then i came to realise that i was nothing more to him than a literary device. that all of the letters we wrote, all the beautiful words he said to me, were just lies. just practice for his writing. i was devasted. i devastated him. neither one of us realized how hurtful and dangerous we were being to each other. he had no idea how devoted i could be. i know how exactly how obsessive i am. i have not changed much over the years. i set my mind on something and do everything i can to get it. i am ridiculously devoted - when i love, i live and breathe for the person and it's almost suffocating. over the years i have become a better stalker. much better. no one knows.
so - i sent a message to this person - simply asking if he had penpals when he was young. his profile hints at all the things he was when we were young. he is still verbose, certainly still emotional, but much more...womanly...than i care to have in my life. i don't suppose he was ever really very "strong". strength and a certain level of dominance is something that i have found i need in my life. i am strong, a strong partner balances me. i've been with the weak and it doesn't work.
in any case - i'm so curious to know if it is him. the age doesn't quite match - i remember us being closer in age, and his profile indicates that he is younger...but we all lie.
stay tuned....

Dreams of my mother

Mom was in my dream last nite - i can't quite remember it all....we were in our house in ft lauderdale for part of it. her parents had recently dies and we were gathering their jewelry to send to one of those cash for gold places...there was more shelving and china throughout the house. i wonder if that's a connection to the x's mother who collects fire king and all that kind of stuff....