still nothing, huh?

so the dude is getting weird again. his life is spiraling downward and nothing i can do can help him. his in financial distress, not as a result of the nation's economic downturn - but that certainly doesn't help. he can't find work and he's out of money. he chose a path 5 years ago that has apprarently lead to disaster for him. he walk away from a successful career to follow his dream that is not all but shattered.

and i cannot help.

i try to tell him that i'm here for him, to help him. i have a pittance of an inheritance that i can use to help "US" through this difficult time. knowing that it is only temporary, and he supported me, and will continue to support me.
he is not wired that way. he's never had anyone take care of him, and is not accustomed to it. he cannot accept it. which effectively tells me - that he cannot accept our relationship as a partnership. he's not invested in the "US" - he is invested in me, and being with me, but not in what it means for us to be in a sharing commited relationship together.
he was married. twice. the 1st time he was too young, their lives were taking different paths, so the split was somewhat amicalble. the second was a sham. she cheated on him and used him to get a green card and get into the US. she destroyed his credit and reinforced is abandonement issues with women, and he has refused to commit since. he loves, he gives, he affectionate, and kind - generous to a fault - but will not submit completely and expose himself to such heartache and betrayal.
but i keep working on him. my new strategy is to continue to remind him that we are in this together. and that we can be remarkably strong together and make it through this. i don't know if it's working yet.

fire season

they say there are no seasons in LA. there are seasons: "hot and dry as fuck", "cold as shit and dry" and "on fucking fire season". there used to be riot season, but until the election in november, let's keep our fingers crossed that that season has finally gone.
we are now in fire season! the first day of fall just barely passed and a day hardly goes by without some outrageous brushfire threatening the homes and livlihoods of others, especially firefighters.
this morning we woke up to a fire in our valley - far enough away that we are not in danger, but close enough to smell the smoke, see the smoke, have ashes blowing in the wind in into open doors and windows, see the flames from some areas and to evacuate neighborhoods, shut down freeways and schools. this is happening in a rather populated area, easy to access. it's difficult to control, because the evil santa ana winds are blowing hard and heavy from the desert. - the santa ana winds hate me - something in the desert hates me and almost everytime the hot winds blow, i get a sinus infection, but that's an entirely different blog - this time it's blowing the fire and ash.
what kills me - and this is an ongoing peeve - one of my biggest pet peeves ever sayeth the x - is water.
california, los angeles in particular is a made up city. without water that we take from the colorado river, we, los angeles as a city, would not exist. yet everywhere you turn throughout LA, you see water: fountains flowing, sprinklers sprinkling, swimming pools, fish ponds, green acreages and ACREAGES of golf courses, etc. we are in a contant state of water shortage. more actions are being taken to "reclaim" water for irrigation purposes. and now, you even have to ASK for water when you're at a restaraunt.
yet, oddly enough, as i walked up to my office door the morning, the superintendent or maintenance worker for the building was WATERING DOWN THE SIDEWALK to get the leaves out of the way.
no one sweeps in LA. they don't rake, or brush away and throw out leaves. they WASH them away - with water.
wha?why?how?where?
huh?
how -
i mean - i can't even verbalise...it's just beyond my comprehension. my little brain just can't fathom the rationalization of WATERING A SIDEWALK or DRIVEWAY or PORCH area. ok, MAYBE to deal with some dust blowing around....? THERE'S ASH AND BURNING EMBERS BLOWING AT 25+ MPH!! i don't think anyone will notice a little bit of dust or leaves blowing around today.
i have to ask for water in a restaraunt so you can fucking water your sidewalk?
fuck off!
just fuck the fuck off!

[A] - AVAIL​ABLE?​nope
[B] - BIRTH​DAY?​next year
[C] - CELL PHONE​?​check
[D] - DRINK​ YOU HAD LAST?​H2o
[E] - EVERY​BODY SAYS THAT YOU'​RE?​um…sparkly!
[F] - FAVOR​ITE COLOR​S?​I like colors
[G] - GUMMY​ BEARS​ OR GUMMY​ WORMS​?​I like to melt the butts of gummy bears and stick them to indoor plants[H] - HOMET​OWN?​hollywood.
[I] - FAVOR​ITE ICE CREAM​?​jamocha almond fudge
[J] - JUST SOMET​HING YOU ALWAY​S SAY?myep. And fuck
[K] - KILLE​D SOMEO​NE?​not yet
[L] - LIMEA​DE OR LEMON​ADE?​just add vodka!
[M] - MONEY​ OR LOVE?​love love love
[N] - NUMBE​R OF SIBLI​NGS?​1
[​O]​-​OUTGO​ING?​yet stand-offish
[P] - YOUR PERSO​NALIT​Y?​see above
​[Q] -​QUIET​?​not usually
[R] - REASO​N YOU SMILE​?​chris, cats, music, shopping
[S] - SONG YOU LAST HEARD​?​no idea
[T] - TIME YOU WOKE UP TODAY​?​beaker started in around 5a
[U] - UNCER​TAIN ABOUT​ ANYON​E?​most anyone.
[V] - VEGET​ABLES​?​yes, please
[W] - WORST​ HABIT​?​drinking when I shouldn’t
[X] - X-​RAYSsting rays
[Y] - YOUR FAVOR​ITE FOOD?​usually something I cook – or Indian food
[Z] -​ZODIA​C SIGN?​Imperial Drag

How did your day start off?eh – that cat was being a jerk this morning, then mow, blow & go showed up with their noise and ½ of LA county is on fire….
How old do you look?not as old as I am
Where is the person you last kissed at this moment?I think he’s writing with his partner
Are you wating for something?get t fook outta here
What were you doing at eleven last night?going to bed, I think
What made you laugh today?mindless conversations w co-workers
Last Myspace message you received?something fun from lanore
Does anyone hate you?with certainty
What accent do you have?TV accent
Where are your siblings?back east
What have you been up to this weekend?Hallowe’en decorating!!
Are you happy with your life?it has its moments, yes
Can you handle the truth?I rather think so.
Have you ever read an entire book in one day?I have
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?not everyone
Did you cry today?not today.
Are you a jealous person?I can be
Do you miss anyone?I do
Do you get 8 hours of sleep everyday?yer funny
What was the last book you read?Guns Drugs & Monsters by Steve Niles
Do you hate the last guy, other than family, you had a conversation with?no
Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?yes
Is there something you're always near?isn’t there always?
What's most stressing right now?work is irritating…too much “work” to do!! haha
What are you going to do after this?work
How's the weather today?fire season
Do you like messages or comments better?whatevs
Who was your last call from?co-worker
What woke you up this morning?freakin cat!
What is your current mood?edgy
What color shirt are you wearing?orange
Whose car were you in last?mine
What's for dinner tonight?dunno
What was the first thing you thought about when you woke up?what time it was and why the cat was being a jerk
What would you rather be doing right now?anything but work
What did you last cry over and when?um…last week – stress or health issues
What always makes you feel better when you're upset?chris
What are you looking forward to most in this week?it being over
What are you listening to right now?the boys outside are listening to something lame