Mom

my mom died.
on july 14, 2008 at about 11.30a EST. i had a red-eye booked to go back to north carolina to see her (1 week after seeing her) because she had taken such a bad turn. she decided on another round of chemo. i told her i would not do it, if i were her, i guess i could have been a bit more adamant about it. at the time, we were under the impression that she had about 6 months to live, and that this flavor of chemo showed a 20% chance of change. i guess we should have asked what kind of change. doctors suck. chemo sucks and so does cancer. my mother was not strong enough for another round of chemo. at least i tried to ask that question, but the doctors just glossed over it. we didn't specifically ASK if the 20% chance of change was positive or negative. i did ask what the statistics were for the other 80%, but they don't keep stats like that. "Death within a week" was not part of any conversation we had with any doctor. they all said they were surpised and that it was completely unexpected.
my mom was supposed to live a really long time. she died 1 year and 2 months almost to the day after my father died. but my father was a jerk. my mom was amazing. did anything and everything for her daughters (me & my sister) she was supposed to get really old, see both of her daughters happy and safe and be proud of us. i know she was proud of us, she was always proud of us, but i know that she did not die with peace on her mind about us, especially my sister. she never met the new boyfriend. she only knew the other one, the one that used me and used her until there was nothing left. because i lived so far away, i had to assure her that i was safe and well taken care of. she asked me if i was going to marry this guy, and for once, i honestly felt that i didn't know if i would, that it was a possibility. i never wanted to get married. (that's an entire different blog all together) but i would marry this guy. in a heartbeat. my mom said that would make her happy. i guess i can't make her happy anymore.
we looked into a convalescent home for her - somewhere for her to go after the chemo treatment for rehabilitation. her insurance would cover the first 20 days, 100% so we thought that would be a great option. we looked into transporation to and from any future treatment, found that to be realistic and affordable. she was going to go through 2 out of the 6 rounds of chemo treatment and evaluate the results before deciding to go further. the doctors said they do not see much of a response until at least 2 treatments.
i spoke to her the day after her first treatment. she said it was quick and painless and all she felt ws a bit tired. she had a strong appetite, a bit of diareah, but some imodium cleared that up for her right away. she was looking forward to gettign a little more time. just a little more than 6 months. of course, to make sure that my sister and i were ok.
then 4 days went by and my sister called saturday morning and left a message to not call, that mom needed rest. she said that she started feeling bad on thursday, was painfully constipated and was saying that she felt like she would explode. my sister spent most of the night with her on friday. the doctors said she would not be going home. i told my sister to call me if she went to the hospital later and my mom was ok to talk. her oxygen levels were very low, and if they got down below 80, as stated in her living will, it was time to discuss unplugging the machinery.
that day i made arrangements to fly back east. i booked a red eye for monday night. my mom's brother was also flying in on monday.
i talked to my sister on sunday, told her i was coming back. she said that my mom did not want me to come. she was happy with the week prior that we had spent together. she didn't want me to see her like that. my mom had a weird thing with me. my coming back out would cause her to worry about my job and my finances. again, putting my well-being before hers.
early monday morning my sister called and said she had been at the hospital since 4a. my dad's sister came to town and was in t he room with my mom to give my sister a much needed break. my sister was going to run to her house to get her computer, which needed to be repaired and bring it to the hospital for someone to pick up.
she called back about 2.5 hours later - my mom was gone. my sister was not there. she was rushing through the hopital b/c my aunt told her to get back as soon as possible.
i've been away from my family for almost 11 years. i don't like the feeling of my mom not being there.
i miss her
i am sad
when other things happen now, it makes me even sadder because i think of her. things haven't been going great with my boyfriend. and when something happens between us - it makes it all that much worse, because i want to be happy with him. i want to be happy because that's what i told my mom i was.

Survey

How many cell phones have you owned?
maybe 4 or 5?
What woke you up this morning?
ghetto bird
Can you party and have a good time without alcohol?
sure
Have you ever been in a college dorm?
I think so, once or twice
When is the last time you were in a tanning bed?
never
Where are your siblings right now?
N.C.
Do you have a friend that you can talk to about anything?
yes I do
What is your hair like right now?
pulled back, day 2
Have you ever stolen a sign?
yes – Taylor Street (yes, the Duran Duran years)
When is the last time you cried?
few minutes ago watching the lion thing
Are your toenails painted?
yes, but they need did, desperately!
Name 3 things you drink regularly?
water, iced tea, coffee
What is the last thing that made you laugh?
nothing yet today…a bit of a snicker maybe
Who is in the bathroom right now?
dunno
When are you going to bed tonight?
dunno
Whats something that annoys you?'
name it! I’m an incredibly irkable person
Where did your last hug take place?
in the kitchen
Do daddy long legs freak you out?
a bit – at first glance I think they are spiders
Do you believe time changes everything?
some things...
Where is your mom right now?
in an urn at my sister’s
What do you think of when you think of Australia?
seems like a nice place to visit – but too far for me to travel
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Jennifer from the edison
When was the last time you went swimming in a pool?
early july @ chris & lori’s folk’s house
What was the last thing you said aloud?
goodbye ?
Do you drink tea?
uh huh
Is anyone on your bad side right now?
uh huh
What jewelery are you wearing?
mom’s ring, on my right and gma’s rings and several others stacked on my left
Who are you listening to talk?
no one
What always helps get you through a bad day?
chris
What are you doing right now?
multi-tasking
Do you usually tell people when they hurt your feelings?
no
Do your initials spell out a word?
no
How often do you give high fives?
not often
Where is the last place you went to go eat?
baja?
Have you bought any clothing items in the past week?
nope
Do you prefer a call or a text?
call, I guess, but sometimes a text is more convenient
Do you trust people easily?
no
Who was the first person you talked to today?
chris
How was/is your weekend?
pretty good
What kind of phone do you have?
nokia
What's your ring tone?
just a quiet beep
Who is your last missed call from?
eric
Do you have any saved/locked messages?
VM or text? How do you lock messages?
Who is your last text message from?
Lacifer
Who is your last message sent to? What did it say?
Lacy…something about the earthquake
Who is the first person that comes up under the letter "d"?
Daria
Does your phone have a qwerty keypad or standard 1-0?qwerty?!
Seriously, did you make that up???
Whose the last person to call you?
Jennifer from the edison
Who's the 3rd person that comes up under the letter "s"?
scott liebow(why do I still have that number stored?)
Is anybody in your phone under a nickname?
don’t think so
Do you text alot on your phone?
not a lot a lot
Who is the last person in your contacts?
2nd spin
First?
AaronD
o you text the 1st person under "m"?
Not so much

time flies

it's not like i'm trying to maintain a daily diary or anything - so if a few days or week goes by - no one's reading so no one cares but me, right?
my mom went into the hospital thursday june 26th, trouble breathing and pain (she has lung cancer and emphesyma) that friday i went to the doctor with a kidney infection and was advised to go to the emergency room b/c they couldn't treat me effectively at planned parenthood. i called my sister to tell her i was going to ER, she seemed happily drunk with her biker/redneck friends in north carolina where her and my mother live. she told me to call her when i got out, let her know what was going on, etc. so i call my sister back & leave a message on her cell. call my mom saturday morning to see how she's doing. she tells me my sister took off to virginia the night before b/c her ex boyfriend was in a really bad accident. now i just started my job in april, i've been trying to save money to file for bankruptcy and do not in any way have the means to up and travel accross the country. then i find out my sister did not drive herself to virginia. he redneck friends did. so she has no way home. then my mom says that when my sister got there, her x-bf's parents were there and so was her x-bf's NEW girlfriend. so i call my sister - at first a bit compassionate, but a bit irritated that she put herself in that situation and knowing for a fact that she did not drive there bc she was too drunk. (alcohol and family: the new blog) i got my uncle's number from her and called him. asked him if there was any way he could go to NC to be with my mom, of course the selfish bastard says 'no'. so here i am, in LA, my sister is in VA with her ex, his new GF and his family, and my mom is in the hospital alone. for.fuck's.sake.
so the super amazing boyfriend gathers his frequent flyer miles and amex points and get me a ticket and rental car. i left rather upbruptly, with little notice to my job on tuesday july 1st. i returned on saturday the 5th. (flying: the new blog, coming soon)