Little Suicides / Golden Palominos
it happens in the smallest ways
it happens all the time
but if you've never had your sight
what's it mean to be blind
now maybe they all just pretend to be
or maybe we're not trying
can't we just be happy for awhile
it happens all the time
all these little suicides
they hardly make a mark
I can take these fun-house rides
I'm a natural in the dark
I'm a natural in the dark
in the dark
if I could give you that
I'd give it all the time
you're just a little tired today
tomorrow you'll be fine
if love heals anything at all
we should be flying
if I could give you that
I'd love you all the time
all these little suicides
they hardly make a mark
I can take these fun-house rides
I'm a natural in the dark
I'm a natural in the dark
in the dark
you're everything I've ever wanted
you're everything to me
is there no stopping when it's started
these old hearts just come apart
it happens in the smallest ways
it happens all the time
if I'm not who I used to be
well, it's not to be unkind
and if you feel these aren't your better days
oh, I don't mind
can't we just be happy for awhile
it happens all the time
all these little suicides
they hardly make a mark
I can take these fun-house rides
I'm a natural in the dark
I'm a natural in the dark
in the dark
Monday, June 30, 2008
MySpace sucks
I can't believe the amount of drama that surrounds such a stupid little social network! break-ups lies, spying, stalking and yes, even murder.
and trying to delete your account is a nightmare too! i'm really to dump the stupid thing, but the email addy i used to set up my account 6 years ago is inaccessible - so i can't complete the cancelation process! how fucking stupid that?
guilty of posting things i shouldn't.
guilty of trying to be provacative.
and trying to delete your account is a nightmare too! i'm really to dump the stupid thing, but the email addy i used to set up my account 6 years ago is inaccessible - so i can't complete the cancelation process! how fucking stupid that?
guilty of posting things i shouldn't.
guilty of trying to be provacative.
It Can't Come Quickly Enough
Now you spent your life waiting for this moment and when you finally saw it coming it passed you by and left you so defeated.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Squishy
I had to put my cat Squishy to sleep on Saturday. She was diagnosed with inoperable cancer in February of this year, and had withered away to nothing but skin and bones in the care of my non-working, loser ex.
i got her ashes back on monday, july 7th. they were packages in a nice cedar box with ehr name exgraved on a little metal plate on top. very nice. i was expecting to get a bag of randon ashes. i can get a diamond made from her ashes if i'd like...but it's expensive. i always wanted to have the skull of one of my cats. i'm told that's creepy...what do you think?
i got her ashes back on monday, july 7th. they were packages in a nice cedar box with ehr name exgraved on a little metal plate on top. very nice. i was expecting to get a bag of randon ashes. i can get a diamond made from her ashes if i'd like...but it's expensive. i always wanted to have the skull of one of my cats. i'm told that's creepy...what do you think?
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
bike
so i rode my bike to work for the first time yesterday. it took me a 1/2 hour to ride 3.7 miles, which can take anywhere from 7 minutes to 25 minutes driving here in lovely los angeles...so i though it was a "win".
then i got knocked off my bike on my way home.
i'm ok - just bruised & not badly, thanks for asking. kinda pissed about it too, obviously. so i get to this intersection, which isn't really san intersection, it's a right turn out of a shopping center. i have the right of way, but stop, because i know people are fucking stupid and don't look - for anything, cars, pedestrians, bikes, pets, nothing. i look at the passenger in the car, wave to him to notify the drive that there is a fucking human waiting to cross. the pasenger turns his head, the driver turns, looks at me, so i go. the fucker TURNS!!!
i get knocked off my bike, he stops (surprisingly) apologizing in broken english, asking if i'm ok and whatever. i slam my fist onto his hood and look at the passenger like "asshole!" then i realize HE'S ELEVENDY!!! i should have told him to go fucking DIE! the old fuck!!
GOD I HATE PEOPLE!!!
so i haven't told anybody. i'm kinda afraid to tell the boyfriend - i don't want to upset him or have him worry about me anymore than he already does or needs to.
but i'm a little sore. i think i hurt my (very fragile) arm/hand when i fell & then punched the car.
i need to carry an air horn. and a rubber mallet of some sort - to knock the fuck out of cars that don't pay attention. and a bell, to let the people that meander from side to side out of my way.
for fuck's sake people - PAY ATTENTION! THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE ON THE ROAD BESIDES YOU!!
then i got knocked off my bike on my way home.
i'm ok - just bruised & not badly, thanks for asking. kinda pissed about it too, obviously. so i get to this intersection, which isn't really san intersection, it's a right turn out of a shopping center. i have the right of way, but stop, because i know people are fucking stupid and don't look - for anything, cars, pedestrians, bikes, pets, nothing. i look at the passenger in the car, wave to him to notify the drive that there is a fucking human waiting to cross. the pasenger turns his head, the driver turns, looks at me, so i go. the fucker TURNS!!!
i get knocked off my bike, he stops (surprisingly) apologizing in broken english, asking if i'm ok and whatever. i slam my fist onto his hood and look at the passenger like "asshole!" then i realize HE'S ELEVENDY!!! i should have told him to go fucking DIE! the old fuck!!
GOD I HATE PEOPLE!!!
so i haven't told anybody. i'm kinda afraid to tell the boyfriend - i don't want to upset him or have him worry about me anymore than he already does or needs to.
but i'm a little sore. i think i hurt my (very fragile) arm/hand when i fell & then punched the car.
i need to carry an air horn. and a rubber mallet of some sort - to knock the fuck out of cars that don't pay attention. and a bell, to let the people that meander from side to side out of my way.
for fuck's sake people - PAY ATTENTION! THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE ON THE ROAD BESIDES YOU!!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
DailyOM
So my best friend Karole encouraged me to sing up for this Daily OM thing a little while ago. i'm not one for this metaphysical horsecrap, i don't have the patience for yoga (my shit falls asleep) and thinking too much about myself and my future makes me sad & cranky. the Daily OM comes into my email box everyday and every other day or so, something hits a nerve or strikes fairly close to home.
i ended a 10 year relationship in April 2007. it took many months to completely separate myself physically from the ex, and at this point, he even still has my cats at the house that was once ours. (but that's an entirely different blog)
when i read this today, it's obvious that a huge part of me should have died with the end of the relationship, and a new me should be born. i wondered to myself how long that transition should take? i wonder if some of the difficulties i am experiencing with the new wonderful boyfriend are a result of my not being fully aware of the parts of my that have died and may still be dying and interfering in our complete happiness. the new dude also ended a relationship this past year. 9one not nearly as tumultuous and ingrained in our livlihood as mine, but nonetheless...) i think i should bring this up to him, to try to use this as a way for us both to work through some of the problems we are having. not as an excuse, but as a tool. to stop for a moment and think - is this a part of me that is dying and i am afraid of losing, so that i must embrace the loss and a birth and open myself up to the possibility that love and protection are being offered?
i dunno. maybe it's a buncha hooey. i'll be back, after i think about it more.
June 12, 2008
Life Transitions
The Death And Rebirth Of Self Sometimes a part of us must die before another part can come to life. Even though this is a natural and necessary part of our growth, it is often painful or, if we don’t realize what’s happening, confusing and disorienting. In fact, confusion and disorientation are often the messengers that tell us a shift is taking place within us. These shifts happen throughout the lives of all humans, as we move from infancy to childhood to adolescence and beyond. With each transition from one phase to another, we find ourselves saying good-bye to an old friend, the identity that we formed in order to move through that particular time.
Sometimes we form these identities in relationships or jobs, and when we shift those areas of our life become unsettled. Usually, if we take the time to look into the changing surface of things, we will find that a shift is taking place within us. For example, we may go through one whole chapter of our lives creating a protective shell around ourselves because we need it in order to heal from some early trauma. One day, though, we may find ourselves feeling confined and restless, wanting to move outside the shelter we needed for so long; the new part of ourselves cannot be born within the confines of the shell our old self needed to survive.
We may feel a strange mixture of exhilaration and sadness as we say good-bye to a part of ourselves that is dying and make way for a whole new identity to emerge in its place. We may find inspiration in working with the image of an animal who molts or sheds in order to make way for new skin, fur, or feathers to emerge. For example, keeping a duck feather, or some other symbol of transformation, can remind us that death and rebirth are simply nature’s way of evolving. We can surrender to this process, letting go of our past self with great love and gratitude, and welcoming the new with an open mind and heart, ready for our next phase of life.
i ended a 10 year relationship in April 2007. it took many months to completely separate myself physically from the ex, and at this point, he even still has my cats at the house that was once ours. (but that's an entirely different blog)
when i read this today, it's obvious that a huge part of me should have died with the end of the relationship, and a new me should be born. i wondered to myself how long that transition should take? i wonder if some of the difficulties i am experiencing with the new wonderful boyfriend are a result of my not being fully aware of the parts of my that have died and may still be dying and interfering in our complete happiness. the new dude also ended a relationship this past year. 9one not nearly as tumultuous and ingrained in our livlihood as mine, but nonetheless...) i think i should bring this up to him, to try to use this as a way for us both to work through some of the problems we are having. not as an excuse, but as a tool. to stop for a moment and think - is this a part of me that is dying and i am afraid of losing, so that i must embrace the loss and a birth and open myself up to the possibility that love and protection are being offered?
i dunno. maybe it's a buncha hooey. i'll be back, after i think about it more.
June 12, 2008
Life Transitions
The Death And Rebirth Of Self Sometimes a part of us must die before another part can come to life. Even though this is a natural and necessary part of our growth, it is often painful or, if we don’t realize what’s happening, confusing and disorienting. In fact, confusion and disorientation are often the messengers that tell us a shift is taking place within us. These shifts happen throughout the lives of all humans, as we move from infancy to childhood to adolescence and beyond. With each transition from one phase to another, we find ourselves saying good-bye to an old friend, the identity that we formed in order to move through that particular time.
Sometimes we form these identities in relationships or jobs, and when we shift those areas of our life become unsettled. Usually, if we take the time to look into the changing surface of things, we will find that a shift is taking place within us. For example, we may go through one whole chapter of our lives creating a protective shell around ourselves because we need it in order to heal from some early trauma. One day, though, we may find ourselves feeling confined and restless, wanting to move outside the shelter we needed for so long; the new part of ourselves cannot be born within the confines of the shell our old self needed to survive.
We may feel a strange mixture of exhilaration and sadness as we say good-bye to a part of ourselves that is dying and make way for a whole new identity to emerge in its place. We may find inspiration in working with the image of an animal who molts or sheds in order to make way for new skin, fur, or feathers to emerge. For example, keeping a duck feather, or some other symbol of transformation, can remind us that death and rebirth are simply nature’s way of evolving. We can surrender to this process, letting go of our past self with great love and gratitude, and welcoming the new with an open mind and heart, ready for our next phase of life.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Day Two...no land in site
i love my new boyfriend. he's awesome. we've known each other for several years, he was a friend of my ex, who i was with for 10 years. the current, was a needed distraction and a catalyst for me to extricate myself from my predicament with the ex. he's strong and caring. he's self aware and self-sufficient. he's desperate to communicate with me - which is where our only problem lies. i have had a lifetime of not communicating. no one ever asked me how i was feeling or how any experience was effecting (affecting?) me, so i never said. i had a don;t ask don't tell policy for myself. in my experiences, i also found that when i did tell, or express myself or my feelings, i was riduculed, ignored, or dismissed. or the conversation escalated into an arguement, yelling screaming, name calling, etc. so that taught me that expressing myself was bad. i like to call it conditioning. the new dude does. a lot. he is so expressive and so into his emotions and feelings - it's funny - he almost makes me look like a dude sometimes!
and the sex is great.
REALLY GREAT!
sex with the ex - was not. ever. but that's a completely different blog.
and the sex is great.
REALLY GREAT!
sex with the ex - was not. ever. but that's a completely different blog.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
First Day With The New Blog
i don't pretend to think that i have anything special to say or that anyone would have a particular interest in reading anything i have to say. i'm not so arrogant to think that anything i have to say is in any way important, right or true. i guess i just want a place to say it - where i don't have to worry about "who" even reads it, "who" likes it, agrees with it and or who disagrees with it. i kinda want to say what i want to say without the responsibility of hurting those around me with my thoughts and ideas. maybe if i get it out this way - it will help me deal with day to day nonsense of living in general.
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