again with myspace

so the x reads a blog survey i posted and puts 2&2 together and figures out that i've been with the dude longer that he's been made aware of. which we all know is true, but not the point. so what does he do? he goes running to the dude, like a little fucking girl - questioning him. how long have you been together? what's really going on between you and for how long & all this crap. so dude call me - tears me a new asshole because he's told me time and time again that he doesn't want to have anything to do with my space and how many times does he have to tell me/ask me not to put up anything that has to do with him online.
well fer crying out loud! it was just a mindless-stupid-waste-of-time-survey! and i was sorry. but the more i thought about it - the more pissed off i got at the x for running to dude the way he did and questioning him.
a little backstory:
over the weekend - the x sent a message saying he thought it was 'funny' that my profile was offered to him as a potential friend or person he might know. (a new annoying myspace feature that i can't figure out how to turn off.) i didn't respond. until all this happened.
back to this story:
after dude gave me such a hard time, i went on my profile, which i can't delete b/c i can't get into the old email account i set it up with and deleted all my friends, posted that i was done w myspace and everybody who wanted to reach me could email me. (haven't heard a word from anyone since, so no one cared anyway)i also responded to the x, and told him in so many words, that i deleted him as a friend b/c he couldn't mind his own business.
dude didn't want to have anything to do with me that evening - so i was able to sit at home and stew. the x sent a text telling me he wrote me an email, which most certainly meant that it was an 18 page diatribe, denying any responsibility of any wrongdoing to me or mine. and actually tried to tell ME to mind MY OWN business b/c this was something between him and the dude, who the x likes to consider his "best friend" - a sentiment not reciprocated by the dude, just something the x arbitrarilty decided about their friendship. i basically told him to stay out of my business and to fuck off. and that i'd read the message the next day. i read it that nite - slept on in and crafted my response.
granted - i should not have posted anything that had anything to do with the dude. admittedly wrong - done. but it is in no way shpe or form any business of the x to run to the dude and question him on something i wrote on MY space - (not your space, not his space, MY space - that's why they call it my space) therefore, this is not an issue to be taken up between the x and the dude, if anything it should be taken up between the x and ME.
and he's such a pussy
his response to addressing the matter to the source (that would be me) "to keep you (me) from feeling embarassed or persecuted"
bullshit
his sole intention was to make sure that the dude was still his friend. he was/is threatened by my relationship with the dude compared to his (as he always was).
now - the x only went as far back as march - his math skills aren't all that good and he only read the survey question that asked how my love life was in march, to which i responded: fine. (if i remember correctly, nothing more) which - by no uncertain terms, the x and i were definitively BROKEN UP in march, which still makes it none of his business to know exactly what was meant by the reference of my love life as "fine". this is where he tried to question the dude, and corner him. dude, obviously had not read my survey/blog post on my space, so he had no earthly idea what the x was talking about. told him so, and apparently, also told him to stop trolling around and mind his own fucking business.
awesome
more backstory:
see this was the 2nd time in less than a week that the x pissed off the dude by not minding his own business. the x called dude on saturday to see what he was doing - not only did we have plans for a party, but he needed to visit a friend that needed to talk. no details given really, none that i care to disclose here, it doesn't matter anyway - but dude said to x "don't say anything, he just having some issues vague upon vague in relation to a specific "bleh".
well, the x SENDS AND EMAIL to dude's friend - saying, hey man, i heard you were having trouble this that and the other, sorry to hear, hope everything is ok, blah blah blah.
friend calls dude, going what the fuck, dude? the x is not even a friend, he is merely an acquaintance AT BEST! dude was pissed! called the x, what the fuck man! the x falls all over himself apologizing;
x: i feel like such a douchebag
dude: you should
x: i'm sorry
dude: you should be
then this who my space thing happens and dude was about ready to walk up to the x's front door & punch him in the face.
which would be awesome. by the way - someone, somewhere, really needs to punch that guy in the mouth for being such a douche!
the x has this thing for the dude. i like to call it a fetish. and the x, since pretty close to day one - has been all over dude. calls him, leaves a message, calls his cell, leaves a message. calls again. calls 2x in a row, calls 3x in a row - totally chronic! y'know!
and this is what he did when he read my bulletin the other day. called dude like 10x in a row! incessantly! dude was on his way to something important, what is your damage, what is so fuckign important? the x - oh, sorry man, call me when you're done, no big deal. dude is like, no, fucking tell me now, it was so important for you to call me incessantly.
in my letter to the x, b/c i KNOW this is the way it went down, because this is his M.O. i told him he ruined dude's important thing by calling incessantly. the x responds: it wasn't incessant, like you said - it was only like 3x, you know how dude can not call you back for a while...
YEAH - LIKE WHEN HE'S BUSY! calm the fuck down, son, he'll call you when he can and when he wants to!
the x did not like that.
he tried to attack me and tell me that he just wanted to be a good person and all this that and the other and how he wants me/us to be happy and all - to which i responded - we don't need your fucking permission.
i wasn't having it. good person or not - bad judgement to take issue with dude over something that had nothing to do with the x and the dude.
i haven't heard a peep from him since.
silence is often the best response.

music survey

Concert Survey: Mind you, music is my business - been in it for over 20 years.

How many concerts have you been to in your life-time? Certainly over 1000. I wish I had counted or written them down. I was just thinking I should try to gather all of my ticket stubs...there were probably over 100 guest list shows....
2. Have you ever been on a tour bus? A coupla few
3. Have you ever gotten an autograph or picture with a celebrity? Oh yes, many
4. Have you ever been on a Celebrity's top friends on myspace? yes
5. Have you ever gotten a myspace message or comment from a celebrity? yes ("celebrity" being a somewhat exaggerated term)
6. Have you ever gone somewhere with a band or musician after a show? yes
7. How many celebrities have you met? many many many - another thing I should sit down and sort out.
8. What celebrity was the most surprising to meet? surprising? Hmmm…David Bowie
9. What celebrity was the nicest? Lots of them have been very nice to me.
10. Not so nice? Daniel Ash (both times)
11. Do you have any celebrity's phone numbers? yes
12. Do you consider yourself a groupie? you say that like it's a bad thing
13. What is the farthest you've traveled for a concert? LA - NYC, Miami - San Francisco
14. What is your favorite venue? The Greek, & The Troubadour
15. What is your most prized possession from a concert? ONE of them? I'll give you two...The set list from a secret Queens of The Stone Age show at the Viper Room…And Icky for a while there.
16. Have you kept in touch with any celebrities since you've met them? uh huh (and again, "celebrity" in this case could be an exaggerated term, haha)
17. The most scandalous thing thats ever happened at a concert? I wouldn't know. I have never been scandalous at a concert
18. Lamest concert you've ever been to? ugh – I've seen dozens of lame shows.
19. Best concert you've ever been to? Radiohead @ The Greek
20. Best concert memory? Radiohead @ The Greek (I was up against the stage & have great photos!) Being the only Revolting Pussy onstage in Orlando. (ya'll prolly don't get that, do you?) 21. The most you've ever paid for a concert ticket? hmmm…'round 50 or 60 bucks I guess. I haven't really had to pay my way to a show in a long time.
22. The closest you've ever been to the stage? On it
23. Worst concert memory? hmmm…unfortunately there's been a few of those, too. Skinny Puppy @ the Cameo Theatre in Miami…I had a REALLY bad time after the show.
24. Have you ever met anyone at a concert who you are still friends with? sure
25. One concert that you would re-live over and over? Any Radiohead show.
26. Name one band or musical celebrity that you would love to meet or hang out with? Thom Yorke

how do i hate thee?

let me count the ways!
i know it's negative, but that's what you get from me. i have murder and rage in my soul, in astonishing quantities.
someone came into my life a few years ago - un invited and un welcomed - assimilated themselves into many aspects and relationships and has left a path of destruction in her wake.
i, by nature, am standoffish, freakishly private and not at all warm and friendly and open upon first meeting someone. i must evaluate you first, before i let you in. once you are in, your are in good and it take a lot to get out. over the past year and a half, i have had to let people go in my life and because it's so hard for me to let someone in, it breaks my heart everyday to think of those i have lost.
upon evaluation, if you do not pass, you are not allowed in. period. you don't get to know me. you are not part of my life, or inner circle. we are merely acquiantances.
this does not mean that you cannot be part of the lives of those around me - you are just not MY friends.
so this person - discovered on myspace - the bain of all existence and one of the horses of the apocalypse, and signs of the end of society as we know it - mark my words - in a matter of months was EVERYWHERE. she was at parties, gatherings, shows, my house, friend's houses - everywhere all the time. depserately trying to keep everyone's attention and be everyone's friend.
i am also territorial.
you cannot have the same kind of relationship that i have with someone else. your relationship will not be closer or better than mine is with one person or another.
she did not pass my tests. i have a discerning eye and i know crazy. i don't know how i know - i just know. and i called crazy on this one. i said - watch out - she's crazy - she's gonna do something fucked up. i didn't want her around - i didn't want her to know anything about me - i wanted to keep my distance with her.
but she perservered.
she hung around like the stench of a dying body. she bought things, she went out of her way to spend money in an attempt to buy friendship. it made me uncomfortable. and at the risk of insult, i refused her efforts, and of course, did offend. it was never the same after that. in an attempt to "play nice" i tried to spend quality time - i found myself exhausted by her personality. so i distanced myself and allowed my relationship with her to ebb and flow, while she sunk her hooks deeper and deeper in to those around me.
i watched.
and there were times that we were friendly. shopping, lunch, and maybe once or twice, she was the sounding board for one of my many breakdowns during the very difficult time of my life, when my 10 year relationship was ending, my father died, my mother was disgnosed with cancer and i had a horrible job. but those were only brief moments that she was allowed into my life.
as our communications became further and further apart and my relationship with the dude - her primary object of affection grew stronger and stronger. her resentment for me grew. her madness grew. she knows she could never have him, but much like most women of her ilk, from childhood she learned to manipulate people into relationships. as mentioned before, she would buy you with favors and presents, all in the name of friendship. all lies. anything that she does for anyone only serves her. she wants the special relationship. she wants something with you that no one else has. she wants that private friendship that she feels she can control and have all to herself. "you don't know him/her the way i know him/her - our friendship is different"
she's narcissistic.
and now finally - the other crazy shoe has dropped. while i have watched her drop a whole closet full of crazy shoes on me, around me, on those i care about and love - this is the last drop.
her crazed desperation to keep someone who won't be kept in her life has driven that person so far from her life - she has no idea the damage she has caused to herself.
and i am satisfied. because again - I WIN!
you horrible, miserable little troll! you will always be tortured by the life you can never lead. your madness will be your end. wallow in it! you deserve everything - you dysfunctional, twisted creature!
legally we are doing the right thing and playing by the rules. she is not. but we do the right thing and again, in the long run - we will win. we now have to go through the motions. we watch. we wait. we win.

fucking my space

i swear, it's going to be the death of our society!
so out of nowhere, maybe from the kings of leon profile, i don't know, this cute little red haired girl asks to be my friend. i told her it would be against my better judgement to add her, she said she meant no harm.
so i add her.
look at her fotos - there are 3, cute her, her ass, and a tattoo. GREAT, i think, i've been scammed by some hoochie mamma. so i figured i'd give it about a week. next thing i know, she's commenting all over my fotos: how cute, vavoom, you're hot and requesting and adding local friends/bands, etc.
i don't like someone all over my shit.
and with the trust issues that the dude and i face, the last thing i need is for some hot little red-haired chick to come bounding at me out of nowhere at a show.
(which leads me to an entirely different blog all together)

bored

: The BEGINNING:
0) Born to: my parents
1) Raised in: a home surrounded by alcoholics
2) Your full name: not to be found anywhere on myspace
3) Birth date: next year
4) Any siblings: yes
5) Oldest of them all: the other one
6) Hair color: dirty
7) Hair length: prefer long, I suppose
8) First school: long ago
9) Eye color: dark brown
10) Favorite color: I like colors
11) Mood: eh…not “bad”
12) College: not much
13) Height:: mostly short
14) Lefty/Righty: lefty
15) Do you remember your first "real" relationship: I do
16) Do you believe in a thing called love?: I do
17) Shortest relationship: um…the newest one is the shortest
18) Have you ever been heartbroken: I’m sure
19) Do you love someone right now: I do
20) Have you ever fallen for a friend: I have
21) Are you afraid of commitment?: no
22) Do you believe in love at first sight:? I do
THIS OR THAT:
1) Love or Money: love is more important, but money is nice
2) Coffee or alcohol: sure
3) One nightstands or relationships: relationship
4) Television or internet: neither
5) Pepsi or Coke: water or iced tea
6) Wild night out or romantic night in: okay!
7) Phone or in Person: depends on the person
HAVE YOU EVER:
1) Have you ever been caught sneaking out: once, and only after
2) Have you ever skinny dipped: I have
3) Have you ever been on a house boat? Not that I recall
4) Have you ever finished an entire jawbreaker: possibly
5) Have you ever colored your hair: I do
6) Have you ever been streaking? no
7) Are your parents still married: no.
DO YOU:
1) Do you get depressed about things easily?: I do.
2) Do you live life to the fullest?: probably not
3) Are you comfortable with the way you look? From some angles
4) How do you dress? Depends on where I am going
5) Are you scared of growing old alone? sometimes
6) What do you want to be when you grow up? scratch dj
7) Favorite season: never experienced “seasons” just fuck off hot then not as warm
Girls- pick the FIRST guy on your top friendsUnless their family than pick the next oneGuys - do the same, but the first girl
- DON'T CHANGE IT!- Enter their name- Be HONEST!- Repost this so your friends can do it too
What's His/Her namE?charlie
Does this person have a cell phone currently?yes
If you were crying will this person cheer you up?he’d probably try
Will this person repost this?no
Do you trust this person?with what?
Do you think you will know this person ten years from now?probably about as much as I do now
How much does this person know about u?some…
Have they ever called you hot?I wouldn’t know, I doubt it
Would you ever kiss them?no
Do you consider this person like your brother/sister?no.
When was the last time you talked to this person?emailed a couple of weeks ago, briefly
Does this person make you smile?sure
Do your parents like him/her ?I’ll never know
Who did this person last date?no clue
How often do you get to see them?not very
Does this person love you?no.
When is the next time you'll see him/her?dunno – maybe over the holidays
Girls repost this as "First Guy on Your Top"Guys repost this as "First Girl On Your Top
[ONE] Who were your latest 3 texts from?him
[TWO] Where was your default pic taken?miami
[THREE] What's your middle name?Spy
[FOUR] Are you alone right now?not really.
[FIVE] Does your crush like you back?well, yeah
[SIX] What is your current mood?not “bad”
[SEVEN] What's your mom's name?eloise
[EIGHT] What color shirt are you wearing?Black.
[NINE] Would you kiss the last person you kissed?yup
[TEN]If you could go back in time and change something would you?maybe
[ELEVEN]Have a crazy side?I do
[TWELVE]Ever had a near death experience?don’t think so – but I have done some stupid shit that could have or should have put my life at risk
[THIRTEEN]What is something you like to do a lot?fuck off at work
[FOURTEEN] Angry at anyone?not really
[FIFTEEN] Do you wanna see somebody right now?I do
[SIXTEEN] Do you like drama?no, although some might beg to differ
[SEVENTEEN] When was the last time you cried?it’s been a little while
[EIGHTEEN] Who would you do anything for?almost anything for him
[NINETEEN] Who is your hero?my mom
[TWENTY] What's the first thing u see in the opposite sex?height
[TWENTY-ONE] What's your biggest secret?if I told you it wouldn’t be a secret
[TWENTY-TWO] Where is your ex?prolyl at his mom’s
[TWENTY-THREE]Would you ever take him/her back?no
[TWENTY-FOUR]What are you eating or drinking at the moment?water
[TWENTY-FIVE] Do you speak any other language?no
[TWENTY-SIX] Whats your favorite smell?sautéing garlic
[TWENTY-SEVEN] Describe your life in three wordsgetting slightly better
[TWENTY-EIGHT] Have you ever kissed in the rain?yes
[TWENTY-NINE] Do you like the rain?love it
[THIRTY] What are you thinking about right now?the end of the day
[THIRTY-ONE] What should you be doing right now?work
[THIRTY-TWO]What is your favorite memory?hmmm…I have to put the memories of my mother at the top of my list
[THIRTY-THREE] ??
[THIRTY-FOUR] Who was the last person you told I love you?he did
[THIRTY-FIVE] Do you act differently around the person you like?I do
[THIRTY-SIX] What is your natural hair color?mouse-y
[THIRTY-SEVEN] Would u ever sleep with someone u were with even though you had a bf/gf?huh?

Do u like the smell of gasoline? Gas huffer!
Do u sleep in the nude? every once in a while. I get cold, and I hate the feeling of my legs touching.
Would u ever go to a nude beach? uh…no
Have u ever peed in the shower? be honest why?
Which is worse explosive shits or praying to the porcelain god? I’ve never had explosive shits, I’d imagine that’s pretty horrible
Are u a nose picker? Public? that’s what tissues are for
Have you ever had a friend with benefits? Have u had more than one such arrangement? not more than one at a time, no. and really, the benefits were better than the friendship. I always entered those with the hopes for something more - but I was always cool about it – never went psycho
Liquor or beer? Brand? vodka – the good stuff, like grey goose and champagne, dry, charles heidsick, please
Favorite sex position? one only please...they are all my favorite!
Most embarrassing moment of your life? I wouldn’t know where to start
As an adult have you ever shit your pants? no
Where are we going? where you wanna go?
Have you smelled your clothing to determine clean or dirty? Did u then wear it? sure
Strange place for sexual acts? bedroom
Have u ever ridden a motorcycle? on the back of one a few times
Have u ever hitchhiked? no
Last concert you went to? with who? fucking motley crue! I HAD to for work. God I hate that band!
Last movie you saw? midnight express
last person that called your phone? dunno
Have you ever been in the back of a police car? For what? yeah – looking for our friend jozie on Miami beach
Witnessed a bar fight? uh huh
Ever smacked a bitch? no
Ever pay for sex? erm…no
Ever lie to your mom/dad? sure
Favorite candy? mmm…candy
Favorite fast food? n/a?
Favorite muppet? animal
Favorite smurf? dead one
If u were one of the 7 dwarfs which would u b? grumpy, most likely
Have u ever had sexual relations with a midget? my first bf in 4th grade turned out to be a midget. We did NOT have sexual relations, we were in 4th grade for cryin out loud!
Last time you danced? chris’ bday party – apparently that wasn’t a good idea
Beetles or Elvis? anyone covering either
Think Mick Jaggar is hot? no
Do u secretly want to be Paris Hiltons new BFF? only if she paid me
Have u ever watched the pick up artist? No
Do u believe in magic? no
Do you believe in fate? not really
Are u afraid of dying? I am
Ever seen a ghost? no, dammit!
Ever had a threesome? no
Ever slept with a signifigantly older person? ten plus years? yes
How about younger? almost, not quite 10 years younger
What do u feel is your best feature? boobs, eyes, smile
Do u have a pet? I do
If you could trade places with anyone u know who would it be? um…I don’t think I would trade with anyone – I wouldn’t want to change where I am right now
Favorite Band? Radiohead
Have u ever wished someone to die on fire?? oh yes
Favorite condiment? ketchup
Pizza cold or hot? hot or refrigerator cold
What do u think a fribble is? couldn’t even imagine
Favorite made up word? there’s at least one a day…denise just said “dranken” as in: I’ve never dranken a V8 before.
Favorite Holiday? Halloween...
Who loves Kitty?I love my kitty!
favorite abreviation? WTF
Do u know a second language? No
Pepsi or Coke? water
Ever tried Tofu? uh huh
Are u a fan of the dry hump? Be honest it can be fun
Have u ever fainted? no
List 5 of the best days of your life?i n no particular order:
>Moving to LA
>Seeing/meeting radiohead in Atlanta
>First time I had sex with *him*
>Meeting eric (if I hadn’t met him, I wouldn’t be where I am now)
>I guess I’m waiting for the next one…
Have u ever been fired? I have
Name of a liquor u will never knowingly drink again? tequila
Zippo or Bic? matches
Are you a fan of big boobs? I like boobs
Chicken or pork?I like live animals
Did u sign the gay marriage petition? I did – several of them – to make it legal
Whats your sign? Aries
Do u believe in time travel? I wish
Who are u? your worst nightmare!
Love or Money? I love money

drukqs?

so let's talk drugs for a minute, shall we?

i've done them. lots of them. not all, but a good portion of them. i am not an addict, nor am i a junkie. i've never cheated or stolen for drugs. i probably lied at one point or another, only to protect the naive, like my mother, from ever know how "experienced" her baby girl was. is. whatever.
now, compared to what kids are doing these days, and even what they were doing 10 or 12 years ago - we were lightweights. candyflipping? maybe once, but i don't think i ever did - that was for blarry and maybe deanqueen every so often - we didn't do THAT much. just every weekend. and not nearly as much as kids do these days. i remember after i stopped using for years, coming across and reading about kids dosing 10-12 to even 20 hits of whatever they could get their grimey hands on, then candyflipping with even more doses, drinking on top of that - no wonder they were dropping dead at raves. no wonder parents were scared.
see, we were doing this way before the Rave Culture caught on, even before they started calling them "Club Kids" in NYC. we were before that, it's just that no one really noticed or paid much attention to the 6-10 of us running around high as kites in the clubs in miami & ft lauderdale to give us a name. the closest we came to that was being referred to as "the blackouts" at copa by all the gays that were afraid of us. the way we looked, they assumed we were on drugs, so why bother to confirm. we walked around saying to ourselves and to each other like a mantra: "nobody knows i'm high." meanwhile, "everybody thinks i'm high and i am" as thrill kill kult would whisper to us in our ears through remixes.
high meant to us...at least 1/4 or 1/2 a hit of acid. rainbow was the strongest, and becky was the dealer. she was a tall, masculine lesbian, who, legend has it kicked a woman in the stomach once. turns out the truth to that story was that she kicked someone's car once. she wore combat boots and was pretty scary looking. more on her later...anyway - she had the acid - she lived across the way from "mark&gregory" and dean. (you had to refer to them as "mark&gregory" in the same breath, they were almost always together, i never knew if there was anything between them, i'm sure there was at once point, but i think mark was too much of a drama queen for gregory in the long run) it was something like $20 bucks a hit - and we scrounged together that money with no job each week to buy at least 1 hit to split. the great thing about drugs like this, is people want you to experience with them, so a lot of the time, it was given to me/us by those in the group who worked and had the money. it was strong shit. i mean 1/4 hit and you felt good for the whole nite. you're eyes fluttered, you lost track of conversations; things didn't "melt" you didn't really see "trails" however, in a club with flashing lights and pulsing sounds, it would be hard to tell exactly what visual effect you were experiencing. oh, and you would dance! music sounded WONDERFUL and you wanted to dance to it. (but only the songs you liked)it was a small dancefloor, the dj booth was perched above with a window looking over it, so i wonder in hindsight what the dj thought when he saw our gimaced faces aimed upwards in auditory bliss, moving our bodies in ways that no one else on the dancefloor seemed to move. when the dj would play something we didn't like, our grimace changed to a sneer and we'd go out to the car to smoke.
we were the only ones who looked the way we did and the only ones that would all dance to pretty much the same songs at the same time.
some of us did more than others, but i don't think any of us did more than 2 whole hits of rainbow at a time. i'm telling you, the shit was strong. IF you went to sleep - you were WRECKED the next day. wiped out, lazy yet kinda wired. you couldn't eat or sleep really, just walked around like a zombie (which is ANOTHER blog all together) all pasty and pale, mark used to call it "bisque". makeup from the night before accensuating the dark circles under your eyes.
when we couldn't get the acid because becky was out, or even on alternating weeks, we'd buy MDA. now, let me explain MDA, not to be confused with MDMA, or ecstacy. MDA was/is different. helene, becky's girlfriend used to bring it back with her from canada. helene was french canadian, i hardly ever heard her speak. she would just stare with big, dark eyes - like some kind of racoon or something, smoking cigarettes. there is something in the chemical make-up of MDA, that to the best of my research, is less of a "love drug" like e, and more like a fuck drug. there was an edge to it. and it was strong as shit, too. at $15 bucks a hit, we'd split one and be rolling our balls off for 6 hours straight! there was no question whether it was good or not, or how long it might last. my chief complaint with e ..."am i feeling anything, am i high yet?" your eyes roll back in your head once and that's it?! for $30 bucks?!? get outta here! my comparison between the two was this: on e you looove everybody, touching and petting is nice. MDA - you wanna fuck anything that moves! your eyes roll back over and over again, you can't finish a sentence without a roll of euphoria, you work your jaw, grin a wicked grin from ear to ear all from 1/2 a hit! it came in a capsule, and was pure. not like powdered e you get now that is cut to shit with laxative and vitamin b or speed so you grind your teeth to a nub or chew holes in your cheeks. (as i'm known to do!)
like most users, we had our rituals. we'd all drop at a designated place on our way to fire & ice, in the garment district in miami. a place i never went to by day. only on weekend nites, usually saturday because fridays were dead for some reason. we'd drop as we passed the hotel. sometime smoking on the way, but definitely smoking before we went in to the club. we'd come stomping up all black and flowing - a mini-mob freakshow. the drugs would be just kicking in by that time, and i don't really remember ever having to wait in line. was there much of a line? come to think of it - we would get to the club before 11p, before they started charging cover. see, we used what money we had to dose, or maybe even to have a drink, which wasn't often because we were underage. some of the bartenders didn't check for the right stamp or whatever was needed to drink & we'd go to that bartender all the time - until we were found out - and that's another blog, too. so that was it - get there before 11, get stamped, walk in to an empty club - hang out for a short while, then go back out to smoke more - and really start "feeling it."

work

i'm gonna gripe about my job again. i just don't like what i'm doing. i KNOW how bad the economy is, i KNOW i'm lucky to have a job. i'm lucky that it so easy, i can pretty much do it in my sleep, i'm lucky the people i work with are nice enough, i'm lucky that they are patient with me throughout my family and health problems. but i look through linked in at all the people i know, and see how some have just blown up. i guess i should really just sit here and be happy that i can shop, surf, blog, read, do whatever i want for the greater part of the day and not really have to 'work' that hard. someone i know, or rather am 'linked to' is a department head of purchasing at netfix - i should have that job - but then i would probably be even more miserable - being in the middle of a corporate entity with constant reporting to higher ups and analysis being thrown at me from every direction. anther is a buyer/product manager for hustler - i TRIED to get a job with her - her boss was a flake & never called me back or followed through with the postition. then again, she never reached out to me again. i go so far out of my way to consider my friends who aren't working, try to hook them up with gigs as often as i can, think of them even for things that they might not even think of ... am i just not that good? did my decision to drop out of college have such a great impact on my career and livlihood? do the people i liked a lot, really not like me all that much?
after recieving a birthday present from me, a friend said that i was very thoughtful. i like to think of myself as so...i really put a lot of effort and thought into things like gifts. i try hard to look for something that person would like, something i would like them to have, something that makes me think of them - often times, friends don't do the same for me. gift certificates are nice, and i covet so much, it's not that hard to buy for me, but sometimes i feel a bit empty. i digress...
back to the work thing - i don't like what i'm doing. it's stupid and lame. i'm a rat on a sinking ship. we as employees don't reap the rewards of the image that the company holds. there seems to be no trickle down. i've said it before - i just wanna go answer phones. or work for whole foods or trader joe's - get a discount on food - something that i will not stop loving, like i seem to have stopped loving music. i always said, when i stopped loving music, hating everything that i heard, i'd quit. there was a time when i hated everything except the things i liked, but now, the past 6 or 7 releases that i used to like have all but SUCKED. so it's really TIME for me to get out - to let someone else do this job - someone who is still passionate about music, and can be interested in the releases/artist we work with. let's see what happens after the new year, what happens with my health, if there is a bonus. i do like the idea of having 2 weeks off for christmas - that's a first in my career. there really are a lot of +'s with this job. i should stop my bitching about it. it's hard. i'm used to not liking it - i should work on getting along with it.
enough, for now.

bittersweet

so along with the new president, which is wonderful and great and all the things it should be so far - several states, including my own, CA voted to support a BAN on gay marriage. sad and horrifying, that we can say we have grown so much as a society to elect a black president, yet still deny the most basic, non-offensive, non-invasive right of marriage to our neighbor. there are several suits up contesting the legality of the amendment and the state supreme court is likely to overturn is as unconstitutional - furthermore - the verbiage on the ballot was easily misunderstood. the religious right, as usual - always WRONG - poisoned the minds of many with millions of dollars to ensure that this amendment was passed. i, along with many others, am dissapointed at the lack of effort on the part of the rich fuckers in hollywood who did very little to support the defeat of prop 8. good for stephen spielberg and brad pitt for donating $1m or more to defeat it - many more of hollywood's elete should have forked over some cash - since the gays run rampant throughout the entertainment biz - some out, most closeted.

History

Barack Obama was elected president of The United States! a biracial man, raised by his white grandparents, put himself through school - HARVARD, no less. it's just amazing. and inspiring. all things good. the world looks forward to what he will accomplish. will he be as good as we all hope? he certainly couldn't be any worse than what we have suffered over the past 8 years.

still nothing, huh?

so the dude is getting weird again. his life is spiraling downward and nothing i can do can help him. his in financial distress, not as a result of the nation's economic downturn - but that certainly doesn't help. he can't find work and he's out of money. he chose a path 5 years ago that has apprarently lead to disaster for him. he walk away from a successful career to follow his dream that is not all but shattered.

and i cannot help.

i try to tell him that i'm here for him, to help him. i have a pittance of an inheritance that i can use to help "US" through this difficult time. knowing that it is only temporary, and he supported me, and will continue to support me.
he is not wired that way. he's never had anyone take care of him, and is not accustomed to it. he cannot accept it. which effectively tells me - that he cannot accept our relationship as a partnership. he's not invested in the "US" - he is invested in me, and being with me, but not in what it means for us to be in a sharing commited relationship together.
he was married. twice. the 1st time he was too young, their lives were taking different paths, so the split was somewhat amicalble. the second was a sham. she cheated on him and used him to get a green card and get into the US. she destroyed his credit and reinforced is abandonement issues with women, and he has refused to commit since. he loves, he gives, he affectionate, and kind - generous to a fault - but will not submit completely and expose himself to such heartache and betrayal.
but i keep working on him. my new strategy is to continue to remind him that we are in this together. and that we can be remarkably strong together and make it through this. i don't know if it's working yet.

fire season

they say there are no seasons in LA. there are seasons: "hot and dry as fuck", "cold as shit and dry" and "on fucking fire season". there used to be riot season, but until the election in november, let's keep our fingers crossed that that season has finally gone.
we are now in fire season! the first day of fall just barely passed and a day hardly goes by without some outrageous brushfire threatening the homes and livlihoods of others, especially firefighters.
this morning we woke up to a fire in our valley - far enough away that we are not in danger, but close enough to smell the smoke, see the smoke, have ashes blowing in the wind in into open doors and windows, see the flames from some areas and to evacuate neighborhoods, shut down freeways and schools. this is happening in a rather populated area, easy to access. it's difficult to control, because the evil santa ana winds are blowing hard and heavy from the desert. - the santa ana winds hate me - something in the desert hates me and almost everytime the hot winds blow, i get a sinus infection, but that's an entirely different blog - this time it's blowing the fire and ash.
what kills me - and this is an ongoing peeve - one of my biggest pet peeves ever sayeth the x - is water.
california, los angeles in particular is a made up city. without water that we take from the colorado river, we, los angeles as a city, would not exist. yet everywhere you turn throughout LA, you see water: fountains flowing, sprinklers sprinkling, swimming pools, fish ponds, green acreages and ACREAGES of golf courses, etc. we are in a contant state of water shortage. more actions are being taken to "reclaim" water for irrigation purposes. and now, you even have to ASK for water when you're at a restaraunt.
yet, oddly enough, as i walked up to my office door the morning, the superintendent or maintenance worker for the building was WATERING DOWN THE SIDEWALK to get the leaves out of the way.
no one sweeps in LA. they don't rake, or brush away and throw out leaves. they WASH them away - with water.
wha?why?how?where?
huh?
how -
i mean - i can't even verbalise...it's just beyond my comprehension. my little brain just can't fathom the rationalization of WATERING A SIDEWALK or DRIVEWAY or PORCH area. ok, MAYBE to deal with some dust blowing around....? THERE'S ASH AND BURNING EMBERS BLOWING AT 25+ MPH!! i don't think anyone will notice a little bit of dust or leaves blowing around today.
i have to ask for water in a restaraunt so you can fucking water your sidewalk?
fuck off!
just fuck the fuck off!

[A] - AVAIL​ABLE?​nope
[B] - BIRTH​DAY?​next year
[C] - CELL PHONE​?​check
[D] - DRINK​ YOU HAD LAST?​H2o
[E] - EVERY​BODY SAYS THAT YOU'​RE?​um…sparkly!
[F] - FAVOR​ITE COLOR​S?​I like colors
[G] - GUMMY​ BEARS​ OR GUMMY​ WORMS​?​I like to melt the butts of gummy bears and stick them to indoor plants[H] - HOMET​OWN?​hollywood.
[I] - FAVOR​ITE ICE CREAM​?​jamocha almond fudge
[J] - JUST SOMET​HING YOU ALWAY​S SAY?myep. And fuck
[K] - KILLE​D SOMEO​NE?​not yet
[L] - LIMEA​DE OR LEMON​ADE?​just add vodka!
[M] - MONEY​ OR LOVE?​love love love
[N] - NUMBE​R OF SIBLI​NGS?​1
[​O]​-​OUTGO​ING?​yet stand-offish
[P] - YOUR PERSO​NALIT​Y?​see above
​[Q] -​QUIET​?​not usually
[R] - REASO​N YOU SMILE​?​chris, cats, music, shopping
[S] - SONG YOU LAST HEARD​?​no idea
[T] - TIME YOU WOKE UP TODAY​?​beaker started in around 5a
[U] - UNCER​TAIN ABOUT​ ANYON​E?​most anyone.
[V] - VEGET​ABLES​?​yes, please
[W] - WORST​ HABIT​?​drinking when I shouldn’t
[X] - X-​RAYSsting rays
[Y] - YOUR FAVOR​ITE FOOD?​usually something I cook – or Indian food
[Z] -​ZODIA​C SIGN?​Imperial Drag

How did your day start off?eh – that cat was being a jerk this morning, then mow, blow & go showed up with their noise and ½ of LA county is on fire….
How old do you look?not as old as I am
Where is the person you last kissed at this moment?I think he’s writing with his partner
Are you wating for something?get t fook outta here
What were you doing at eleven last night?going to bed, I think
What made you laugh today?mindless conversations w co-workers
Last Myspace message you received?something fun from lanore
Does anyone hate you?with certainty
What accent do you have?TV accent
Where are your siblings?back east
What have you been up to this weekend?Hallowe’en decorating!!
Are you happy with your life?it has its moments, yes
Can you handle the truth?I rather think so.
Have you ever read an entire book in one day?I have
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?not everyone
Did you cry today?not today.
Are you a jealous person?I can be
Do you miss anyone?I do
Do you get 8 hours of sleep everyday?yer funny
What was the last book you read?Guns Drugs & Monsters by Steve Niles
Do you hate the last guy, other than family, you had a conversation with?no
Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?yes
Is there something you're always near?isn’t there always?
What's most stressing right now?work is irritating…too much “work” to do!! haha
What are you going to do after this?work
How's the weather today?fire season
Do you like messages or comments better?whatevs
Who was your last call from?co-worker
What woke you up this morning?freakin cat!
What is your current mood?edgy
What color shirt are you wearing?orange
Whose car were you in last?mine
What's for dinner tonight?dunno
What was the first thing you thought about when you woke up?what time it was and why the cat was being a jerk
What would you rather be doing right now?anything but work
What did you last cry over and when?um…last week – stress or health issues
What always makes you feel better when you're upset?chris
What are you looking forward to most in this week?it being over
What are you listening to right now?the boys outside are listening to something lame

3.7 miles in 25 minutes!

are you fuckign serious with that shit?!? what the fuck goes on in this town?! how can it possibly take TWENTY FIVE MINUTES to drive 3.7 miles?! has an airplane landed on the freeway and blocked both directions with it's massive wingspan (Soap reference: anyone? hello? bueler?) are there dead bodies in the road? body parts hanging from trees? fer fuck's sake there had BETTER be! the only thing about this that didn't ruin my day is that i was not LATE for work on top of it all. i got in AT NINE.
fuck this town and the god damned traffic!

not much to report

it's 6. i should be leaving for the week - and i guess i am now. i was just popping on to waste some time. getting started on the weekend - it's a good thing!

un-inspired

bored and tired. i've nothing to report at all - bored to death (again) at work. struggling a little with protocol, not sure if going directly to an account to set up advertising will piss off the vendor, or if the vendor doesn't care. my gut tells me the vendor won't like it, but seems common practive, and 'do it anyway' from my "team" (ugh) so i feel forced to do something that is somewhat unscrupulous as far as business practices are concerned and could impact my business relationship with other outside of my immediate employment.

party disaster

so of course the party was a disaster. and not for the reasons you would think. the ex had nothing, well hardly anything to do with it. it was pretty much all me and my inability to behave responsibly in social situations. i had a mom moment earlier in the day and kept it inside. then another 2 mom moments at the party and walked away from people mid-sentence. i was too uncomfortable with people i had not seen in close to a year, people who knew me with the x, who don't know about me and the current, great guy, so i was really just crawling out of my skin the whole time. alcohol hit me too hard, i got loud and in people's face, thinking i was being funny - which apparently i was not. then the fucking crazy bitch cornered me, saying all kinds of CRAZY stuff in the middle of the party, me 3 drinks into it. completely inappropriate - and crazy psychotic behaviour - b/c she is crazy and psychotic. saying shit that just wasnt at all true. i didn't need that either. i wanted to be with Him the whole time. holding his hand, being introduced as his girlfriend. but i wasn't. i was just another person to meet at the party, then on my way. it was awful. He felt awful. He got angry with me. He told me about all the things He doesn't like about me. i don't know now if we are breaking up or what. he posted that he was SAD on myspace, the crazy bitch just sent me a text asking me if "anything happened" and if "he was ok" because she's been trying to reach him b/c his profile said he was "sad" and therefore she is "concerned"
SHE is a big problem with us. she is crazy - he knows it, i know it, everybody knows it, but he still entertains her. i called her crazy from day one and never let her close to me. she says i betrayed her and i'm turining him against her. i don't have the power to do so, or by all means i certainly would! the thing is - he doesn't call her on it. he tries to reason with her and talk her out of the crazy. he lets her go on and on.
he told me not to talk to her anymore. that he's not going to talk to her, unless she is being happy and pleasant (which isn't very often, b/c all she does is bring drama) i don't know if i believe him. i don't know if he says one thing to me, then pats her on the head and tells her that everything is ok.
i fwd'd him the text - thinking that i wanted him to know that she was bugging me. sharing what i have to deal with from her - but now i wish i hadn't. i should have just deleted it - not responded to her at all (which i still won't do) and never let him know that she contacted me. THAT'S control! THAT'S more like it! damn! i shoulda done that! THAT'S the kinda thing she would accuse me of doing, too. you want to see me play like that - watch! you want me to turn him against you - watch me do EVERYTHING in my power to do so. cunt!

summer hours part deaux

here it is....4.52p - not one fucking work related email to my inbox, that wasn't internal - meaning - from one employee to the whole fucking company - since 4.20p - and that was just to tell me that nothing was accomplished. really? you're paying me for this?!? i'm not good at making up shit to do. i'll just sit here and fuck off. my myspace friends are boring. no emails to gmail, except from psycho passive aggressive jennifer about tomorrow's party and cake. (but that's an entirely different blog)
i should go upstairs and bullshit in my boss' office - but we aren't really good at bullshitting. he's kinda shallow and kind of a freak. not much in common, really. he's going to the dude's costume birthday party tomorrow - which could be weird. but whatever. it's going to be weird anyway, with or without him.

this is so fucking stupid. even HE isn't sending any emails!

lame

Summer Hours

OK - so i finally work for the side of the business that actually gives time off for the holidays...week between xms & new year's - the day after thanksgiving, you know - the time that the FREE world recognizes as holiday time.
now, if i could just get the head of this company to "grok" summer hours. east coast business partners either leave at 3p on fridays or take the entire day off. in this economy, a lot of companies are offering their staff fridays off in exchange for at least one additional hour of work from monday thru friday. west coast business partners are doing the same, and in some cases, let staff leave between 2 adn 3, since their east coast counterparts are already gone.
part of the problem is the owner of this company is a freak of a work-a-holic. he takes his crackberrry to the bathroom with him! it's ri-god-damed-diculous! he was on vacation in hawaii for most of the past week and sent emails EVERYDAY! take a fucking break, dude. plus - he has a staff of people, mostly young who think it's ok to work 10-12 hour days, or older staff that have wives and family that apparently don't care if they are not home EVER and take care of everything for them, ie: cooking, cleaning, feeding pets, school meetings, etc. there was even one guy who MISSED his 5 year old twin girls' birthday party, because he had to stay in the office from 7.30a to who knows how late. (obviously passed the 5 year old's bedtime) SHAME!!! so most everyone is working 8+ hours a day, therefore there is no leverage to campaign for 1/2 fridays or god forbid the whole day off.
now, i have company in town from chicago. by 2p today - it's gonna be dead as a doornail for me. no calls, no emails, no RESPONSES to emails for sure. i'm going to be sitting here with my dick in my hands, counting down the minutes til i can leave at 6p.
fuck!
i'm just sayin'.

I gotta tell ya

i've been with this guy for a while now. the x doesn't know. it started out as an affair. he was a mutual friend of the x and i. we've managed to keep it secret from him for quite sometime now. he would like to remain friends with the x, but the x is really not that great of a friend - contrary to what the x's little mind thinks of himself. there are many things the x thinks about himself that are painfully misguided - but that's an entirely different blog all together! this guy is 6 different ways of awesome! not that the x didn't have his awesome moments from time to time, but the x never produced much of anything with his awesomeness. the ex is talented, but his no idea at all how to harness that talent to get what he wants. this guy does! i think i would be a good example of that. he wanted me. he got me, whether he expected to, really wanted to, or not. he got me and i held on. never EVER have i found myself so satisfied with a partner and lover. the x was a horrible lover. no stamina. infrequent as all hell - which is what really drove me into the arms of another. the feeling that i was sexy, attractive, and not frigid and broken, unable to be satisfied because of MY issues. this guy can go for hours. and then go for hours again. several times a day. everyday of the week if we wanted to. i think there has been one or two times that we have gone 5-7 days in a row! it's quite astonishing - at our age - to have such a sex drive. i hear it's normal for women at my age to be at their peak - but men? don't they peak at 20 or something like that? he's strong. he carries me through the house. he's confident. he's a man. the x was a boy. is a boy - a 44 year old boy.

oddly enough, their birthdays are

is this thing on?

so i wonder how this works....i mean, i know i'm screaming for no reason - but is anyone really reading? not that there has been anything all that compelling written.
are there people out there who just sift though blogs looking for something to read? what kind of lives do they (you) lead?

i'm getting my taxes done today. (ugh) i owed from 2006 so i figured i'd put off 2007 as long as possible. i used to always get $$ back. but changing jobs, cashing out my 401k (because the x NEVER had a job & couldn't pay his half of ANYTHING) then losing the job and using the $$ put aside for taxes to pay rent (as previously mentioned, the x with no job...) left me owing for '06. funny enough, i had put enough aside prior to losing the job to pay off the taxes owed AND for the processing of the taxes. sadly, by the time tax time came around, that money was gone.
happily! so is the non-working x.

it's not that money is so terribly important. but knowing there is mutual efforts applied and contributed to day to day living, really makes a difference. see upcoming blog...

random

Who has your heart? He does
Whats your name without vowels? scrmngbnsh
Who was the last person to call you? warren
What is the last non-alcoholic/alchoholic beverage you had? coffee/vodka
Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? not really
Did you sing at all today? no
When is the last time you cried? saturday
What's the last text in your inbox say? omg I know!
Are you scared of spiders? TERRIFIED!!
Who were you with last night? the dude
What do you think about lil wayne? he’s a lil silly
Do you believe in love? Yeah.
Have you done anything you regret in 2008 so far or messed up? I mess shit up all the time. I try not to regret, I try to accept responsibility and move on – try to learn from it
Do you miss anyone? as always, yes I do... Sigh.
Do you curse a lot? like a sailor!
What was the last thing you ate? strawberry
Where is the last place you were out of state? north carolina
What color is your hair? dark brown w/blue black low lights! (shimmer!!)
Have you ever smoked with your number one? I don't smoke – he’s quitting tomorrow!
I am so PROUD of him!
Who was the last person besides family that was at your house? jennifer
Are you too forgiving? uh...i don’t think so
Ever had a sleepover with the opposite sex? I am not 12
If someone liked you, would you like for them to tell you? definitely.
Do you have trust issues? I do
What are you currently doing? this
Who do you like to spend your nights with? him
Do you like school? it was ok when I was there
Do you want someone you can't have? nope – I got the one I want!
Think about the person you currently love; who knows about something bad you guys have done? kdoh
Who last left you a voicemail? I left my phone @ home. So I don’t know
When did you last talk to your brother or sister? um…maybe last Friday
Should you be doing something more productive right now? oh yes.
Have you ever punched a guy? not in anger
Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met? sorta
Ever just randomly texted someone? not in a while.
How many ex's do you have and how many would you like to get back with? I have several, and no desire to go back to any
Last night you felt? full from the Indian food I ate
Who are all the people you have text messages from in your phone? chris, mostly, some lacy…Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? shockhound
If you're being extremely quiet, what's it mean? Could be a few things. First is I'm too pissed or sad/upset for words, I'm tired, I have nothing to say...
Have you ever kissed someone and never saw them again? my mother
How are you feeling right now? eh…not so good. Headache as usual and a bit sad
Last time you laughed? maybe chuckled a bit today – no belly laugh tho’
If you could seek revenge on someone,would you? and who would it be? too many to mention
Last argument? lame
Have you ever stripped for money? once
Last nap? not in a long time
What are you doing Saturday? dunno…
Excited about anything? not really
Is there someone you'd like to fix things with? I guess
What's a happiest time you've had in the past week? hmm…I’m always happiest when I am home with him
What did your last text message you received on your phone say? I don’t have my phone with me today. Left it charging.
If you could push one person off a mountain, who would it be? aw c’mon! only 1? Are they guaranteed to die when I push them? I’ll start with Brian.
What are you listening to? a vacuum! I know, extremely unpleasant
If someone likes you would you want them to tell you? uh huh
Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries? some
How do you feel about the person who texted you last? again – phone not in hand
Do you think you are an argumentative person? at times
Who was the last person that made you cry, why? him – cuz I love him
Have you ever had a difficult relationship? you’re kidding, right?
Have you ever stayed in a hotel? duh
What is in your pocket? lint
Where would you like to be right now? home
Ever told someone you loved them and not mean it? no.
Ever been told you were loved by someone who didn't mean it? probably.
Most important part of a relationship? communication
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? I hope so
Can you honestly say that things are running smoothly for you? I cannot
Would you rather trade in your ipod or computer/laptop for 10,000 dollars? gimme the cash!!How'd your day go, by the way? not so good overall
Which do you prefer on your toast: butter, jelly, peanut butter, or Nutella? nutella is gross
What's something you are determined to accomplish by the end of summer? financial stability?Do you pour everything out when you feel genuinely guilty of something, or do you keep it in anyway? I keep a lot in
Are you a Gatorade drinker? ew
You see a shooting star, do you make a wish? it’s usually gone by the time I try to think of a wish
Are you a big fan of snowstorms or thunderstorms? thunder, please – I’ve never seen snow.
How do you handle your hair once you finished washing it? depends on time and weather
Do you have relatives living in a different country? yes
Do you turn on the lamp when it's bright out? depends on what I’m doing
Have you ever been addicted to WoW or SC? huh?
When it rains, do you go out and start to dance? if it ever rains here – yes, I would definitely do a little dance
Do you get carried away with things? at times, yes
What's something you're sure that won't change about you? my love of all things sparkly! (I must have been a crow in a previous life)
Who first texted you yesterday? he did
Who did you last kiss, when and why? him – cuz I heart him
What is the last thing you spent money on? food
What was the last thing you cried about? him and mom
Who did you hangout with last night? the dude
What's your mood right now? eh
What are your plans for the weekend? um…Dr. Dog on Friday (not interested)…um…maybe organize my storage unit – I keep going in there to get something & tearing it all up!
What annoys you?name it
How many hours did you sleep last night? roughly 6.
Last person who texted you, what did it say? dude: “U will be happy to know this is very painful” (dude is getting more work done on his tattoo
Have you ever cried while in the shower? yup
Do you miss the person you fell the hardest for? not yet
Does the last person you held hands with mean alot? yep
Do you wish you never dated someone you dated? try not to
Could you go a day without eating? yeah.
When was the last time you talked to your number 2? briefly over the weekend
Do you know anyone that smokes pot? sure
Do you still talk to the person you last dated? “dated” no – I can’t remember anyone I just dated. I talk to my ex rather infrequently
Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a J? yeah
What are you listening to? people talking upstairs
Is there someone you want to fight? nah
Has anyone ever told you they're in love with you? yeah...
Do you believe in true love? uh huh
When was the last time you were disappointed? when was the last time I WASN’T!
Are you playing hard to get right now? no
Do you have sex alot? uh huh
Do you miss your past? nope
When it comes to the opposite sex, what's your "type"? Confident, strong, passionate, creative, tall…
What are you doing tonight? birthday dinner and celebration
If you're single, why? I'm not.
Ever been in an ambulance? yes
Would you hug your ex again? eventually
Is there anyone who doesn't like you? uh huh
Miss the person you have a thing for? not yet, we’re still having the “thing”
Is there anybody you wish you could be with right now? yes
Has a girl ever seriously punched you? my sister, maybe the last time when I was 15 or 16
Have you ever dated your friend’s ex? not my friend’s ex, no
Do you know anyone in the military currently? no
What's the last thing you put in your mouth? water
Do you believe ex's can be friends? they can be
How many girlfriends or boyfriends did you actually love? all of them
Would you ever lie to get an ex back? no
Have you fixed friendships with anyone lately? no
Would you be friends again with all of your exes? no
Does your father approve of you dating? he’s dead, he doesn’t care
Do you tend to listen to your friends when they tell you that a boy is bad for you? No.
Who are the third and eighteenth texts in your phone from? good god I have no idea!
Do you still talk to your latest crush? yup.
What is one emotion you are feeling right now? unsure...
Have you told anybody you loved them today? yes
Do you miss anybody? yes
Any plans for tomorrow? more work
Do you find the opposite sex confusing?? sometimes...
What do you want most right now? to go home
Is your myspace profile private? yes
How many true friends do you have? a few
How many piercings do you have? 10
Have you ever written a love letter? yes
Are you a morning person or a night person? neither, really. I like nite time cuz I sleep
Do you remember your dreams? not often
Did you have a thing for anyone you hungout with this week? yeah
Do you go tanning? nope
Whos bed did you last sleep in other than your own? my mom’s
Does the last person who put their arms around you mean anything to you? yup.
Who has your myspace password? just me
What were you doing at 11:00 AM? IM
Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you can talk to 24/7? I think so
Are you ticklish? yes
Last person that texted you mean anything to you? yes
How is your hair? clean today!!!
How is your heart lately? aching
What makes you mad? people who abuse animals... They can just die a long painful death, I'll help...i’ll help, too Lanore!
Do you wear the hood on your hoodie? if its cold or raining
What's the last thing you ate? animal crackers, (not Nabisco, so they weren’t as good)
Last hug? him
Are you sarcastic? quite
Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? I do
Do your parents really know you? dad, never – mom, better but neither do now.
Do you feel like you've got some growing to do? don’t we all?

Mom

my mom died.
on july 14, 2008 at about 11.30a EST. i had a red-eye booked to go back to north carolina to see her (1 week after seeing her) because she had taken such a bad turn. she decided on another round of chemo. i told her i would not do it, if i were her, i guess i could have been a bit more adamant about it. at the time, we were under the impression that she had about 6 months to live, and that this flavor of chemo showed a 20% chance of change. i guess we should have asked what kind of change. doctors suck. chemo sucks and so does cancer. my mother was not strong enough for another round of chemo. at least i tried to ask that question, but the doctors just glossed over it. we didn't specifically ASK if the 20% chance of change was positive or negative. i did ask what the statistics were for the other 80%, but they don't keep stats like that. "Death within a week" was not part of any conversation we had with any doctor. they all said they were surpised and that it was completely unexpected.
my mom was supposed to live a really long time. she died 1 year and 2 months almost to the day after my father died. but my father was a jerk. my mom was amazing. did anything and everything for her daughters (me & my sister) she was supposed to get really old, see both of her daughters happy and safe and be proud of us. i know she was proud of us, she was always proud of us, but i know that she did not die with peace on her mind about us, especially my sister. she never met the new boyfriend. she only knew the other one, the one that used me and used her until there was nothing left. because i lived so far away, i had to assure her that i was safe and well taken care of. she asked me if i was going to marry this guy, and for once, i honestly felt that i didn't know if i would, that it was a possibility. i never wanted to get married. (that's an entire different blog all together) but i would marry this guy. in a heartbeat. my mom said that would make her happy. i guess i can't make her happy anymore.
we looked into a convalescent home for her - somewhere for her to go after the chemo treatment for rehabilitation. her insurance would cover the first 20 days, 100% so we thought that would be a great option. we looked into transporation to and from any future treatment, found that to be realistic and affordable. she was going to go through 2 out of the 6 rounds of chemo treatment and evaluate the results before deciding to go further. the doctors said they do not see much of a response until at least 2 treatments.
i spoke to her the day after her first treatment. she said it was quick and painless and all she felt ws a bit tired. she had a strong appetite, a bit of diareah, but some imodium cleared that up for her right away. she was looking forward to gettign a little more time. just a little more than 6 months. of course, to make sure that my sister and i were ok.
then 4 days went by and my sister called saturday morning and left a message to not call, that mom needed rest. she said that she started feeling bad on thursday, was painfully constipated and was saying that she felt like she would explode. my sister spent most of the night with her on friday. the doctors said she would not be going home. i told my sister to call me if she went to the hospital later and my mom was ok to talk. her oxygen levels were very low, and if they got down below 80, as stated in her living will, it was time to discuss unplugging the machinery.
that day i made arrangements to fly back east. i booked a red eye for monday night. my mom's brother was also flying in on monday.
i talked to my sister on sunday, told her i was coming back. she said that my mom did not want me to come. she was happy with the week prior that we had spent together. she didn't want me to see her like that. my mom had a weird thing with me. my coming back out would cause her to worry about my job and my finances. again, putting my well-being before hers.
early monday morning my sister called and said she had been at the hospital since 4a. my dad's sister came to town and was in t he room with my mom to give my sister a much needed break. my sister was going to run to her house to get her computer, which needed to be repaired and bring it to the hospital for someone to pick up.
she called back about 2.5 hours later - my mom was gone. my sister was not there. she was rushing through the hopital b/c my aunt told her to get back as soon as possible.
i've been away from my family for almost 11 years. i don't like the feeling of my mom not being there.
i miss her
i am sad
when other things happen now, it makes me even sadder because i think of her. things haven't been going great with my boyfriend. and when something happens between us - it makes it all that much worse, because i want to be happy with him. i want to be happy because that's what i told my mom i was.

Survey

How many cell phones have you owned?
maybe 4 or 5?
What woke you up this morning?
ghetto bird
Can you party and have a good time without alcohol?
sure
Have you ever been in a college dorm?
I think so, once or twice
When is the last time you were in a tanning bed?
never
Where are your siblings right now?
N.C.
Do you have a friend that you can talk to about anything?
yes I do
What is your hair like right now?
pulled back, day 2
Have you ever stolen a sign?
yes – Taylor Street (yes, the Duran Duran years)
When is the last time you cried?
few minutes ago watching the lion thing
Are your toenails painted?
yes, but they need did, desperately!
Name 3 things you drink regularly?
water, iced tea, coffee
What is the last thing that made you laugh?
nothing yet today…a bit of a snicker maybe
Who is in the bathroom right now?
dunno
When are you going to bed tonight?
dunno
Whats something that annoys you?'
name it! I’m an incredibly irkable person
Where did your last hug take place?
in the kitchen
Do daddy long legs freak you out?
a bit – at first glance I think they are spiders
Do you believe time changes everything?
some things...
Where is your mom right now?
in an urn at my sister’s
What do you think of when you think of Australia?
seems like a nice place to visit – but too far for me to travel
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Jennifer from the edison
When was the last time you went swimming in a pool?
early july @ chris & lori’s folk’s house
What was the last thing you said aloud?
goodbye ?
Do you drink tea?
uh huh
Is anyone on your bad side right now?
uh huh
What jewelery are you wearing?
mom’s ring, on my right and gma’s rings and several others stacked on my left
Who are you listening to talk?
no one
What always helps get you through a bad day?
chris
What are you doing right now?
multi-tasking
Do you usually tell people when they hurt your feelings?
no
Do your initials spell out a word?
no
How often do you give high fives?
not often
Where is the last place you went to go eat?
baja?
Have you bought any clothing items in the past week?
nope
Do you prefer a call or a text?
call, I guess, but sometimes a text is more convenient
Do you trust people easily?
no
Who was the first person you talked to today?
chris
How was/is your weekend?
pretty good
What kind of phone do you have?
nokia
What's your ring tone?
just a quiet beep
Who is your last missed call from?
eric
Do you have any saved/locked messages?
VM or text? How do you lock messages?
Who is your last text message from?
Lacifer
Who is your last message sent to? What did it say?
Lacy…something about the earthquake
Who is the first person that comes up under the letter "d"?
Daria
Does your phone have a qwerty keypad or standard 1-0?qwerty?!
Seriously, did you make that up???
Whose the last person to call you?
Jennifer from the edison
Who's the 3rd person that comes up under the letter "s"?
scott liebow(why do I still have that number stored?)
Is anybody in your phone under a nickname?
don’t think so
Do you text alot on your phone?
not a lot a lot
Who is the last person in your contacts?
2nd spin
First?
AaronD
o you text the 1st person under "m"?
Not so much

time flies

it's not like i'm trying to maintain a daily diary or anything - so if a few days or week goes by - no one's reading so no one cares but me, right?
my mom went into the hospital thursday june 26th, trouble breathing and pain (she has lung cancer and emphesyma) that friday i went to the doctor with a kidney infection and was advised to go to the emergency room b/c they couldn't treat me effectively at planned parenthood. i called my sister to tell her i was going to ER, she seemed happily drunk with her biker/redneck friends in north carolina where her and my mother live. she told me to call her when i got out, let her know what was going on, etc. so i call my sister back & leave a message on her cell. call my mom saturday morning to see how she's doing. she tells me my sister took off to virginia the night before b/c her ex boyfriend was in a really bad accident. now i just started my job in april, i've been trying to save money to file for bankruptcy and do not in any way have the means to up and travel accross the country. then i find out my sister did not drive herself to virginia. he redneck friends did. so she has no way home. then my mom says that when my sister got there, her x-bf's parents were there and so was her x-bf's NEW girlfriend. so i call my sister - at first a bit compassionate, but a bit irritated that she put herself in that situation and knowing for a fact that she did not drive there bc she was too drunk. (alcohol and family: the new blog) i got my uncle's number from her and called him. asked him if there was any way he could go to NC to be with my mom, of course the selfish bastard says 'no'. so here i am, in LA, my sister is in VA with her ex, his new GF and his family, and my mom is in the hospital alone. for.fuck's.sake.
so the super amazing boyfriend gathers his frequent flyer miles and amex points and get me a ticket and rental car. i left rather upbruptly, with little notice to my job on tuesday july 1st. i returned on saturday the 5th. (flying: the new blog, coming soon)

don't know what i'm up to today

Little Suicides / Golden Palominos

it happens in the smallest ways
it happens all the time
but if you've never had your sight
what's it mean to be blind
now maybe they all just pretend to be
or maybe we're not trying
can't we just be happy for awhile
it happens all the time

all these little suicides
they hardly make a mark
I can take these fun-house rides
I'm a natural in the dark
I'm a natural in the dark
in the dark

if I could give you that
I'd give it all the time
you're just a little tired today
tomorrow you'll be fine
if love heals anything at all
we should be flying
if I could give you that
I'd love you all the time

all these little suicides
they hardly make a mark
I can take these fun-house rides
I'm a natural in the dark
I'm a natural in the dark
in the dark

you're everything I've ever wanted
you're everything to me
is there no stopping when it's started
these old hearts just come apart

it happens in the smallest ways
it happens all the time
if I'm not who I used to be
well, it's not to be unkind
and if you feel these aren't your better days
oh, I don't mind
can't we just be happy for awhile
it happens all the time

all these little suicides
they hardly make a mark
I can take these fun-house rides
I'm a natural in the dark
I'm a natural in the dark
in the dark

MySpace sucks

I can't believe the amount of drama that surrounds such a stupid little social network! break-ups lies, spying, stalking and yes, even murder.
and trying to delete your account is a nightmare too! i'm really to dump the stupid thing, but the email addy i used to set up my account 6 years ago is inaccessible - so i can't complete the cancelation process! how fucking stupid that?
guilty of posting things i shouldn't.
guilty of trying to be provacative.

It Can't Come Quickly Enough

Now you spent your life waiting for this moment and when you finally saw it coming it passed you by and left you so defeated.

Squishy

I had to put my cat Squishy to sleep on Saturday. She was diagnosed with inoperable cancer in February of this year, and had withered away to nothing but skin and bones in the care of my non-working, loser ex.
i got her ashes back on monday, july 7th. they were packages in a nice cedar box with ehr name exgraved on a little metal plate on top. very nice. i was expecting to get a bag of randon ashes. i can get a diamond made from her ashes if i'd like...but it's expensive. i always wanted to have the skull of one of my cats. i'm told that's creepy...what do you think?

bike

so i rode my bike to work for the first time yesterday. it took me a 1/2 hour to ride 3.7 miles, which can take anywhere from 7 minutes to 25 minutes driving here in lovely los angeles...so i though it was a "win".
then i got knocked off my bike on my way home.
i'm ok - just bruised & not badly, thanks for asking. kinda pissed about it too, obviously. so i get to this intersection, which isn't really san intersection, it's a right turn out of a shopping center. i have the right of way, but stop, because i know people are fucking stupid and don't look - for anything, cars, pedestrians, bikes, pets, nothing. i look at the passenger in the car, wave to him to notify the drive that there is a fucking human waiting to cross. the pasenger turns his head, the driver turns, looks at me, so i go. the fucker TURNS!!!
i get knocked off my bike, he stops (surprisingly) apologizing in broken english, asking if i'm ok and whatever. i slam my fist onto his hood and look at the passenger like "asshole!" then i realize HE'S ELEVENDY!!! i should have told him to go fucking DIE! the old fuck!!
GOD I HATE PEOPLE!!!
so i haven't told anybody. i'm kinda afraid to tell the boyfriend - i don't want to upset him or have him worry about me anymore than he already does or needs to.
but i'm a little sore. i think i hurt my (very fragile) arm/hand when i fell & then punched the car.
i need to carry an air horn. and a rubber mallet of some sort - to knock the fuck out of cars that don't pay attention. and a bell, to let the people that meander from side to side out of my way.

for fuck's sake people - PAY ATTENTION! THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE ON THE ROAD BESIDES YOU!!

DailyOM

So my best friend Karole encouraged me to sing up for this Daily OM thing a little while ago. i'm not one for this metaphysical horsecrap, i don't have the patience for yoga (my shit falls asleep) and thinking too much about myself and my future makes me sad & cranky. the Daily OM comes into my email box everyday and every other day or so, something hits a nerve or strikes fairly close to home.

i ended a 10 year relationship in April 2007. it took many months to completely separate myself physically from the ex, and at this point, he even still has my cats at the house that was once ours. (but that's an entirely different blog)

when i read this today, it's obvious that a huge part of me should have died with the end of the relationship, and a new me should be born. i wondered to myself how long that transition should take? i wonder if some of the difficulties i am experiencing with the new wonderful boyfriend are a result of my not being fully aware of the parts of my that have died and may still be dying and interfering in our complete happiness. the new dude also ended a relationship this past year. 9one not nearly as tumultuous and ingrained in our livlihood as mine, but nonetheless...) i think i should bring this up to him, to try to use this as a way for us both to work through some of the problems we are having. not as an excuse, but as a tool. to stop for a moment and think - is this a part of me that is dying and i am afraid of losing, so that i must embrace the loss and a birth and open myself up to the possibility that love and protection are being offered?



i dunno. maybe it's a buncha hooey. i'll be back, after i think about it more.







June 12, 2008

Life Transitions

The Death And Rebirth Of Self Sometimes a part of us must die before another part can come to life. Even though this is a natural and necessary part of our growth, it is often painful or, if we don’t realize what’s happening, confusing and disorienting. In fact, confusion and disorientation are often the messengers that tell us a shift is taking place within us. These shifts happen throughout the lives of all humans, as we move from infancy to childhood to adolescence and beyond. With each transition from one phase to another, we find ourselves saying good-bye to an old friend, the identity that we formed in order to move through that particular time.
Sometimes we form these identities in relationships or jobs, and when we shift those areas of our life become unsettled. Usually, if we take the time to look into the changing surface of things, we will find that a shift is taking place within us. For example, we may go through one whole chapter of our lives creating a protective shell around ourselves because we need it in order to heal from some early trauma. One day, though, we may find ourselves feeling confined and restless, wanting to move outside the shelter we needed for so long; the new part of ourselves cannot be born within the confines of the shell our old self needed to survive.
We may feel a strange mixture of exhilaration and sadness as we say good-bye to a part of ourselves that is dying and make way for a whole new identity to emerge in its place. We may find inspiration in working with the image of an animal who molts or sheds in order to make way for new skin, fur, or feathers to emerge. For example, keeping a duck feather, or some other symbol of transformation, can remind us that death and rebirth are simply nature’s way of evolving. We can surrender to this process, letting go of our past self with great love and gratitude, and welcoming the new with an open mind and heart, ready for our next phase of life.

Day Two...no land in site

i love my new boyfriend. he's awesome. we've known each other for several years, he was a friend of my ex, who i was with for 10 years. the current, was a needed distraction and a catalyst for me to extricate myself from my predicament with the ex. he's strong and caring. he's self aware and self-sufficient. he's desperate to communicate with me - which is where our only problem lies. i have had a lifetime of not communicating. no one ever asked me how i was feeling or how any experience was effecting (affecting?) me, so i never said. i had a don;t ask don't tell policy for myself. in my experiences, i also found that when i did tell, or express myself or my feelings, i was riduculed, ignored, or dismissed. or the conversation escalated into an arguement, yelling screaming, name calling, etc. so that taught me that expressing myself was bad. i like to call it conditioning. the new dude does. a lot. he is so expressive and so into his emotions and feelings - it's funny - he almost makes me look like a dude sometimes!
and the sex is great.
REALLY GREAT!
sex with the ex - was not. ever. but that's a completely different blog.

First Day With The New Blog

i don't pretend to think that i have anything special to say or that anyone would have a particular interest in reading anything i have to say. i'm not so arrogant to think that anything i have to say is in any way important, right or true. i guess i just want a place to say it - where i don't have to worry about "who" even reads it, "who" likes it, agrees with it and or who disagrees with it. i kinda want to say what i want to say without the responsibility of hurting those around me with my thoughts and ideas. maybe if i get it out this way - it will help me deal with day to day nonsense of living in general.