so the other nite - dude asked me a variation of a question he often asks: 'what's wrong sweetie, you're being very quiet. you don't seem very happy'
i respond (as usual) 'nothing's wrong, i'm fine. i'm not unhappy at all.' which, as far as i could tell was the truth. i am not and have not been particularly unhappy. true, my job situation is not ideal, and that does tend to leave me a bit less than thrilled from time to time, but when i am home, i am content.
his inquiry lead us into a deeper conversation about how my negativity, as of late, is having an impact on him and his happiness.
i also found out that he was not "ok" or "fine" with me spending thanksgiving with a girlfriend of mine that is soon to be divorced instead of hanging out for5+ hours with his painfully boring family. i love him madly, but his family is torture! you can't have a stimulating conversation, his sister is rich, republican, and self righteous. she has the best of everything, has earned it, mind you - and just can't understand or accept how anyone else cannot get their own. which is odd because she works for one of the largest international AIDS organizations AND has a brother who is an alcoholic drug addict, went to school for psychology AND was a drug addict herself at one point. so, while she can be nice enough - after a while the conversation always goes in a bad direction. his mother is older than her age and is pretty oblivious and ignorant about most issues in today's society. and the drug addict alcohlic brother was going to be there too - i just didn't want to handle the awkwardness. furthernore, i don't eat meat, and wanted to prepare a vegetarian meal with my friend, who also shares my same tastes in food. i didn't want the blank stares and confusion that goes along with questions like: 'you don't eat meat at all?' 'what else can you have?' 'do you want us to make you something else?' when i asked if dude minded if i spent tgiving w my friend, so she didn't have to be alone and we'd make yummy veggies he said it was fine.
i found out that it was not. until i explained further to him how uncomfortable i would be with his brother, based on my previous experiences with addiction and how the holidays overall create a great deal of anxiety for me. then he understood and was "ok". (i somehow doubt that he truly understands)
anyway - back to my NEGATIVITY
i was completely unaware of the fact that i had been doing so much spewing of hatred and negativity. it seemed to me that we recently had a conversation about how much i have changed for the better over the years and become much less negative and critical. i was confused and taken aback by his comments. i feel that i must point out when i am being positive and happy - to balance out this negativity that he seems to look to me for.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Word
I saw this on another blog - in an effort to get back into blogging more frequently. The other blog was trying to come up with a word for the year, and then try to project what the word would be for next year. i'm going to modify that in my own effort to get back into blogging.
RANDOM:
in less than 30 days i have had 3 different people approach me from my past with new employment opportunities. each contact was a welcomed and much needed boost to my professional self esteem. i feel these communications were "random" for several reasons. 1) i had only just decided that it was time for me to start to think about possibly looking for a different job. now, i feel like i have been searching for the different, better, or perfect job almost all my life. i was only satisfied with the best job i ever had in hindsight and in every effort to not regret my decision to leave that perfect job (especially considering the final outcome of the company overall: closure) i have been struggling to find another job that would satisfy my soul the same way, or come to terms with the possible fact that my soul would never be satisfied the same way ever again. i'm still somewhere in between. 2) there are A LOT of people out of work - actively and aggressively looking. 3) any and every time i have ever decided to "look" for a better job, it doesn't happen. the new job is never better, i don't think it has ever been something i WANTED or HAD to have and has always ended bitterly at best. the only jobs i've ever gotten that i WANT WANTED i basically stumbled across. only one job i actively and aggressively pursued and got. (that was one that ended bitterly)
in these 3 cases - they have essentially come out of nowhere, 2 or the 3 from contacts from the job previously referenced that was the best job i ever had, and the other came from the first REAL job that started me on the path to the best job i ever had.
the 1st was really just sweet. i former coworker contacted me thinking i would be great at an office that was opening with her company here in LA. knowing the kind of work ethic i have and that we all shared when we worked together for the same company in the same department, she thought of me. it was good to hear from her, to catch up and reminisce and talk about the quality of work we perform given any task. the role had already been given to someone else, but that's ok. because....
the 2nd came from someone i haven't worked with in over 2w-something years (we'll mumble over exactly how long) he called me to tell me about a position posted with his company that he thought i would be perfect for. he being the national director and final approval for the hire, though not the direct report, but the big boss to my direct report. he basically called me to give me the inside word and line to the hiring manager. i have spoken with her a total of 4 times in depth about the position and we have pretty much come to the conclusion that i am the best candidate for the job. we are now in a holding pattern until their HR department decides to make the final move and approve the hire. i don't know how many other candidates are solid. but considering this is a publicly traded company, they are a slow moving beast and no decision can be made at the drop of a hat. the job is huge. perhaps too big for just one person. there is a small voice that i silence in my head telling me it's a set up for failure. if i get the job, the first thing i will start to do is access the divide and work to define a secondary position.
the 3rd and most recent came to me yesterday via linked in. i don't know much about the role or the company except what i can find online through press releases that are over10 months old. and that the company itself is a spin off of the best job i ever had, run by a tool that is one of those people that no matter what, falls UP and gets people to throw money at his ideas. they think i might be over qualified for the job, but quite frankly, i am over-qualified for just about anything i could be offered. i told her as long as it had something to do with music, with people who are passionate and interested in music - i am perfectly qualified. we are meeting today. in a little over an hour.
so to me, this is random. it may be premature to say, but i almost feel like i have "options". something that i have never had before.
RANDOM:
in less than 30 days i have had 3 different people approach me from my past with new employment opportunities. each contact was a welcomed and much needed boost to my professional self esteem. i feel these communications were "random" for several reasons. 1) i had only just decided that it was time for me to start to think about possibly looking for a different job. now, i feel like i have been searching for the different, better, or perfect job almost all my life. i was only satisfied with the best job i ever had in hindsight and in every effort to not regret my decision to leave that perfect job (especially considering the final outcome of the company overall: closure) i have been struggling to find another job that would satisfy my soul the same way, or come to terms with the possible fact that my soul would never be satisfied the same way ever again. i'm still somewhere in between. 2) there are A LOT of people out of work - actively and aggressively looking. 3) any and every time i have ever decided to "look" for a better job, it doesn't happen. the new job is never better, i don't think it has ever been something i WANTED or HAD to have and has always ended bitterly at best. the only jobs i've ever gotten that i WANT WANTED i basically stumbled across. only one job i actively and aggressively pursued and got. (that was one that ended bitterly)
in these 3 cases - they have essentially come out of nowhere, 2 or the 3 from contacts from the job previously referenced that was the best job i ever had, and the other came from the first REAL job that started me on the path to the best job i ever had.
the 1st was really just sweet. i former coworker contacted me thinking i would be great at an office that was opening with her company here in LA. knowing the kind of work ethic i have and that we all shared when we worked together for the same company in the same department, she thought of me. it was good to hear from her, to catch up and reminisce and talk about the quality of work we perform given any task. the role had already been given to someone else, but that's ok. because....
the 2nd came from someone i haven't worked with in over 2w-something years (we'll mumble over exactly how long) he called me to tell me about a position posted with his company that he thought i would be perfect for. he being the national director and final approval for the hire, though not the direct report, but the big boss to my direct report. he basically called me to give me the inside word and line to the hiring manager. i have spoken with her a total of 4 times in depth about the position and we have pretty much come to the conclusion that i am the best candidate for the job. we are now in a holding pattern until their HR department decides to make the final move and approve the hire. i don't know how many other candidates are solid. but considering this is a publicly traded company, they are a slow moving beast and no decision can be made at the drop of a hat. the job is huge. perhaps too big for just one person. there is a small voice that i silence in my head telling me it's a set up for failure. if i get the job, the first thing i will start to do is access the divide and work to define a secondary position.
the 3rd and most recent came to me yesterday via linked in. i don't know much about the role or the company except what i can find online through press releases that are over10 months old. and that the company itself is a spin off of the best job i ever had, run by a tool that is one of those people that no matter what, falls UP and gets people to throw money at his ideas. they think i might be over qualified for the job, but quite frankly, i am over-qualified for just about anything i could be offered. i told her as long as it had something to do with music, with people who are passionate and interested in music - i am perfectly qualified. we are meeting today. in a little over an hour.
so to me, this is random. it may be premature to say, but i almost feel like i have "options". something that i have never had before.
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