Positive

so the other nite - dude asked me a variation of a question he often asks: 'what's wrong sweetie, you're being very quiet. you don't seem very happy'
i respond (as usual) 'nothing's wrong, i'm fine. i'm not unhappy at all.' which, as far as i could tell was the truth. i am not and have not been particularly unhappy. true, my job situation is not ideal, and that does tend to leave me a bit less than thrilled from time to time, but when i am home, i am content.
his inquiry lead us into a deeper conversation about how my negativity, as of late, is having an impact on him and his happiness.
i also found out that he was not "ok" or "fine" with me spending thanksgiving with a girlfriend of mine that is soon to be divorced instead of hanging out for5+ hours with his painfully boring family. i love him madly, but his family is torture! you can't have a stimulating conversation, his sister is rich, republican, and self righteous. she has the best of everything, has earned it, mind you - and just can't understand or accept how anyone else cannot get their own. which is odd because she works for one of the largest international AIDS organizations AND has a brother who is an alcoholic drug addict, went to school for psychology AND was a drug addict herself at one point. so, while she can be nice enough - after a while the conversation always goes in a bad direction. his mother is older than her age and is pretty oblivious and ignorant about most issues in today's society. and the drug addict alcohlic brother was going to be there too - i just didn't want to handle the awkwardness. furthernore, i don't eat meat, and wanted to prepare a vegetarian meal with my friend, who also shares my same tastes in food. i didn't want the blank stares and confusion that goes along with questions like: 'you don't eat meat at all?' 'what else can you have?' 'do you want us to make you something else?' when i asked if dude minded if i spent tgiving w my friend, so she didn't have to be alone and we'd make yummy veggies he said it was fine.
i found out that it was not. until i explained further to him how uncomfortable i would be with his brother, based on my previous experiences with addiction and how the holidays overall create a great deal of anxiety for me. then he understood and was "ok". (i somehow doubt that he truly understands)
anyway - back to my NEGATIVITY
i was completely unaware of the fact that i had been doing so much spewing of hatred and negativity. it seemed to me that we recently had a conversation about how much i have changed for the better over the years and become much less negative and critical. i was confused and taken aback by his comments. i feel that i must point out when i am being positive and happy - to balance out this negativity that he seems to look to me for.

Word

I saw this on another blog - in an effort to get back into blogging more frequently. The other blog was trying to come up with a word for the year, and then try to project what the word would be for next year. i'm going to modify that in my own effort to get back into blogging.
RANDOM:
in less than 30 days i have had 3 different people approach me from my past with new employment opportunities. each contact was a welcomed and much needed boost to my professional self esteem. i feel these communications were "random" for several reasons. 1) i had only just decided that it was time for me to start to think about possibly looking for a different job. now, i feel like i have been searching for the different, better, or perfect job almost all my life. i was only satisfied with the best job i ever had in hindsight and in every effort to not regret my decision to leave that perfect job (especially considering the final outcome of the company overall: closure) i have been struggling to find another job that would satisfy my soul the same way, or come to terms with the possible fact that my soul would never be satisfied the same way ever again. i'm still somewhere in between. 2) there are A LOT of people out of work - actively and aggressively looking. 3) any and every time i have ever decided to "look" for a better job, it doesn't happen. the new job is never better, i don't think it has ever been something i WANTED or HAD to have and has always ended bitterly at best. the only jobs i've ever gotten that i WANT WANTED i basically stumbled across. only one job i actively and aggressively pursued and got. (that was one that ended bitterly)
in these 3 cases - they have essentially come out of nowhere, 2 or the 3 from contacts from the job previously referenced that was the best job i ever had, and the other came from the first REAL job that started me on the path to the best job i ever had.
the 1st was really just sweet. i former coworker contacted me thinking i would be great at an office that was opening with her company here in LA. knowing the kind of work ethic i have and that we all shared when we worked together for the same company in the same department, she thought of me. it was good to hear from her, to catch up and reminisce and talk about the quality of work we perform given any task. the role had already been given to someone else, but that's ok. because....
the 2nd came from someone i haven't worked with in over 2w-something years (we'll mumble over exactly how long) he called me to tell me about a position posted with his company that he thought i would be perfect for. he being the national director and final approval for the hire, though not the direct report, but the big boss to my direct report. he basically called me to give me the inside word and line to the hiring manager. i have spoken with her a total of 4 times in depth about the position and we have pretty much come to the conclusion that i am the best candidate for the job. we are now in a holding pattern until their HR department decides to make the final move and approve the hire. i don't know how many other candidates are solid. but considering this is a publicly traded company, they are a slow moving beast and no decision can be made at the drop of a hat. the job is huge. perhaps too big for just one person. there is a small voice that i silence in my head telling me it's a set up for failure. if i get the job, the first thing i will start to do is access the divide and work to define a secondary position.
the 3rd and most recent came to me yesterday via linked in. i don't know much about the role or the company except what i can find online through press releases that are over10 months old. and that the company itself is a spin off of the best job i ever had, run by a tool that is one of those people that no matter what, falls UP and gets people to throw money at his ideas. they think i might be over qualified for the job, but quite frankly, i am over-qualified for just about anything i could be offered. i told her as long as it had something to do with music, with people who are passionate and interested in music - i am perfectly qualified. we are meeting today. in a little over an hour.
so to me, this is random. it may be premature to say, but i almost feel like i have "options". something that i have never had before.

here's another clue:

if you can't manage traffic -then you are not a traffic manager.

here's a clue:

if you're still eating jack in the box, bagels, donuts, cookies and every other form of fatty unhealthy foods while working out...you won't loose weight.

am i missing something?

when bored at work (most of the time) i cruise blogs. i visit 1 or 2 somewhat slightly regularly, then i click the upper left corner for "next blog"
what's UP with the overabundance of crafty-knitty-quilty-scrapbooky blogs?!?! all seem to be run by midwest pastel housewives and/or retirees! weird. virtually every blog i click through is either a crafty blog or some blog about somebody's annoying little kid(s) - or WEDDING blogs! what the fuck?! where are all the subversive, thought provoking, compelling blogs? is there a blog roll for GOOD SHIT?
just curious.

shift in corporate structure

seems that statement has been the crux of my entire career at one point or another...many points actually.
after 20 years in the music business, numerous bankruptcies, acquisitions, buyouts, downsizes and restructures ,i found myself without a job and with very few options music-related to find work. through a good friend, i got a referral for a job and quickly found myself in the magazine publication/distribution business. somewhat slightly music related, in that i assist in the creation of a weekly sales flyer (that people around here seem to thing is Rolling Stone - which is quite funny to me...it's a SALES FLYER on glossy, overpriced color paper, but whatever, everyone has their own levels of self importance) i've gone from a nationally recognized product specialist, managing inventory across the country, multimillion dollar budgets, creative campaign design and execution, store planning and layout to a coordinator.
it was announced today that a portion of the company that i work for has been sold off. (a portion that i actually started my illustrious music career with, oddly enough) and it's fine, that's not the bother - i know the music business is a dying industry, sales and distribution are collapsing as every moment ticks by. i understand that. i am glad i am no longer a part of that. i guess what i find upsetting or distressing is that i had hope that there would still be room for me - somewhere. that i would be able to keep music around me and that i would be able to make a living off my knowledge and expertise. i guess the realization and acceptance is as slow and painful for me as the collapse of the industry itself. i'm sad today over what i was and apparently won't ever be again. getting over it in stages, i suppose. i'm just a coordinator now and no one knows or cares what experience i may have to offer. i find myself in a job and an industry that i have no particular interest in, and with creative types that are passionate about what they do, but i do not share in their passion. i desperately want to be closer to music again. i'm not sure how or where.

Hallowe'en on the brain(s)

funny thing dude said yesterday that he was in a Hallowe'en mood....feeling Hallowe'enie. noot sure if it was the slightly cooler weather over the past few days (from the previous week of upper 90s) or what - but he was having Hallowe'en thoughts. it's not like we haven't been talking about our costumes for the past 3 or 4 months or anything...sheesh.
then i log in to the face place and one of the things i am a fan of, er "like" we whatever you call it has something to do with spooky stuff in LA. i can across a new blog...The Spooky Vegan - and i decided to follow her! (hi Spooky Vegan) while not 100% vegan (don't have the time, patience or funding) i certainly eat mostly vegan. no meat, no cheese (reluctantly) no dairy, some eggs, sometimes tuna, rarely ever shrimp....but for the most part i live a pretty cruelty free life.
and Hallowe'en? well...i've won 3 costume contests....judged by the elite of the costume world - creature fx nerds - not to brag - but hallowe'en is a pretty BFD in my world. like i said, been talking about this years' costumes for about 4 months now. WAS gonna to that ^ but don't have the cash. so now we're trying to think of something else. i have no idea. i might have dude do me up all gross and dead-like. we'll see.
now i'm all Hallowe'enie, too!! i can't believe it's barely 2 months away!!
but i have a headache....
L8

30 things i like about myself

so i hear/read it's "like yourself week" and i also hear/read that one should blog about things that are difficult or hard to write about...so here we go:
what i like about myself
1. my big boobs, which for the most part, are remarkably firm for their size!
2. i'm not ashamed of sex (which you will read more about as we go on with this list) i like to experiment.
3. i give good, no GREAT blowjobs
4. i like that i can do almost whatever i want with my hair: straight, curly, up, down, knots. etc.
5. my passion and knowledge of music
6. my irrational, emotional response to animals...i LOVE that about myself
7. that i can live without eating meat
8.i am a great cook
9.my big brown eyes
10. my cuban background
(uh-oh, now it's getting difficult)
11. my strong work ethic
12.i have perfect feet (toes are in perfect order, not weird or crooked)
13. i like my smile
14. i like (almost) all my choices of tattoos
15.i have finally found a way to spin a positive response
16. but i also like my cynisism
17. i like my sarcastic sense of humor
18.i like that i can be a girlie girl at the same time as being one of the guys
19. i am not easily offended
(getting stuck again)
20.i am a great friend
21.my affinity for all things sparkly
(gah! 30? really?)
22. i am a very good judge of character
23.i am a good mother to my cats
24.i survived parochial school
25.i have experienced drugs and appreciate the experience(s)
26.i like that i was strong enough to move away from my hometown to a place where i hardly knew anyone
27.i was strong enough to get out of a bad relationship, even if it took 10 years
(almost there!)
28.i am a completely 100% devoted lover
29.i support the rights of GBLT's
and i wonder what more there might be....
30.i can admit when i am wrong

ok, so i guess that wasn't so bad. maybe since i'm doing this from work, i'm not putting TOO much into every word. an interesting exercise though. what 30 things do you like about YOU?

oops

so i was just reading on a popular blog, that one should not write about work...or lunch. i guess i have done "work" a few too many times, so i'll do my best to curb that. however, i just must share this one little tidbit about the toad that sits less than 3 feet from my face. along with gasping for breath after ever sip of beverage - she also burps or hiccups throughout the day - without even a quiet pardon or excuse of herself.
kinda rude, no?

different levels of BS

so at the new job, there's this privileged little persian prince. an arrogant bastard, misogynistic, filled with hubris and self deserving righteousness. i can't stand the little fucker. he gets away with whatever he can "it's not my fault" is a common phrase that comes out of his mouth. he is never disciplined or help accountable and it's completely frustrating. he chews with his mouth open, talks with his mouth full of food and has no respect for women at all. he's lazy. "i couldn't figure it out, so i gave up" was one of the most amazing things i have ever heard anyone say in the workplace.
he goes out drinking regularly with the department and everyone thinks it's really funny when he's hungover or makes a fool of himself in the process.
obviously sending the wrong message to the boy by giving him nothing but positive reinforcement for his behavior which is disrespectful and for the most part unacceptable.
and he gets away with it. it's unbelievable.

As your tourguide along your trip through the obvious....

....it's offensive, immature, low class, a sign of insecurity and down-right rude to constantly refer to how much money you and/or your family has.

Is it Me?

i ask this question a lot, i guess. so we know i have a new job - that i like. i LOVED it when i 1st started, now i just like it. it's fine. it's easy. i've done this before, and it's pretty far from where my career has gone. it's different from having fiscal responsibilities on a national level. i come in, i do my job, i go home. there's really very little pressure at all.(but that's an entirely different post) i have the pressure of timing, things have to be done by a certain time each week and here's where i wonder if it's me:
since people wait on me to collect the information they need to do their jobs - i get it done as quickly as possible. and when i'm done, i'm done. i've got nothing to do and i find myself bored (again) surfing the net or whatever. now, as the summer drags on and we get closer to the 4th quarter, this will change, i'm sure - and i'll have so much work that i'll be stressed out and crying by the end of the week!
see, i don't like to hang on to work. i do't like to dilly dally just so i can seem to have work to do. i want it done and off my desk! it's like i have poor time management, going the opposite direction!
i'm trying to psyche myself out of it though - and not have it be a negative. it's great that i'm so good at my job that i can spend time doing other things. i get my job done quickly and accurately. (for the most part) like a machine, or so i've been told.

Rush

we watched this documentary on Rush yesterday that was very interesting. a good documentary about a really great band. however, something struck me as i watched. they spoke with several musicians that site Rush as one of their major influences and how they would obsess and squid over the band and learn songs backwards and forwards and so on. they spoke to fans, producers, and industry legends about the development of the band and they influence on music as we know it today. the thing that struck me most is that they only spoke to ONE woman. this woman was a program director at the cincinnati radio station that first played the canadian band on the airwaves back in the 70s. a great role to have, especially for a woman in radio, specifically ROCK radio. it's struck me in a couple of ways. 1) they couldn't find one female musician that was influenced at all by Rush. 2) there ARE no women in rock music influenced by Rush. and then that got me thinking even further about "women in rock" - who are they? where are they? and then i got kinda bummed because at one point in my life and career - i could have been that females voice of rock influence. and i guess i'm sad that i will never be that.

apparently, i have no friends

here it is - friday nite -home alone. dude is on a playdate (no girls allowed i guess - i didn't askm he didn't invite me) and i don't have anyone to hang out with or talk to. i don't understand. i have been trying for years to find someone to be my friend. i used to be accused of being standoffish. back then i had plenty of reason to be. it's not that i don't trust people or don't want to let them in to my life and my world - as protective and freakishly private as i am - but i'm not an open book either. you get to know what you get to know about me and i judge you by how you handle that information. i suppose i'm somewhat guarded - only as guarded as you are. i am the correct sadist - i become exactly what you need me to be, therefore - am I the standoffish one?
it's getting to the point that i feel so desperate for friendship that i am afraid to reach out to someone because i think they will be creeped out by me. one person, has kids - her time is limited. another is a drunk and miserable - so i can only take so much of that. another only contacts me when she needs me - it looks like she is getting a divorce, so you'd think she needs me - at least that's what she told me a few months ago - instead she got meds - so she's jacked up and doesn't really need me. another, i thought i was close with - she was there for me when i was dealing with the x and the deaths...then we kinda separated - her husband came back from a long job overseas things got a little weird with the x, i got weird, they got weird and months a year went by. i felt awful. i felt guilty. i felt like i couldn't be honest with her - so i stayed away. then we got back together - and everything was ok - we were all going to pick up where we left off - no weirdness - everything was s'posed to be cool. it wasn't. it's not. her sister had a baby, her son is becoming a teenager, we tried hanging out a couple/few times and it just seems like they will only hang out if it's convenient for them. never ask me to do anything, never invite us along...no lunch plans, no movie nites, no shopping sprees, not even a returned phone call, so whatever with her. the other only does things as a couple or during the day on the weekend when her husband is doing something else - never anything during the week. another is just a lot to deal with and i've seen her twice this week - that's enough...and those are the girls. guys are guys, most married w children, or are business associates, so there is little more in common than work related activities. the drunk has a friend that i've tried to be friends with. she's single now, very pretty, very successful and very talented...but how do i go about getting close to her without being a weirdo? i can't use the drunk as the go-between because she is miserable and having self esteem issues and won't go out. i mean MAYBE she will, but it's like pulling teeth and as much as i like her (the drunk) and i'm trying to help her out in many ways - there are just some things that she will not do. maybe we've gone out before, but the friend and the drunk are besties and i feel left out.
i also used to be called a social butterfly - as a fault. not so much anymore, obviously.

trying to write each day isn't so easy. since no one really knows i have this blog i have to be discreet about writing. don't want the dude to wonder what i'm doing and have him think that i'm hiding something from him, y'know? i am hiding this blog, all things considered - but mainly because i have no confidence in my writing. i also don't necessarily like the arrogance that goes along with writing with the assumption that what i have is a) worthy of reading or b) quality. no punctuation. this is no exercise in writing skills, which perhaps it should be - then maybe i wouldn't feel so guilty or like i'm being so self indulgent.

a few of my favorite things

today - i hauled my happy ass over the hill to meet the grilled cheese truck (www.thegrilledcheesetruck.com) at The Frosted Cupcakery and thuroughly enjoyed my american and gruyere cheese sammich on whole wheat bread and got 2 cupcakes: apple cinnamon and chocolate with vanilla frosting. it started raining as i waited in line for my grilled cheese, but it wasn't that bad. i hustled back to my car and enjoyed to gooey meltedness before driving off to amoeba. while at amoeba, i did some digging and found a 12" that i have been trying to find for over TWENTY YEARS!! (more on that later) it was only $2.99!! which doesn't quite balance out the $65 i spent on Fabriclive CDs, but it's the little victories, i guess.

again

so this time - i'm going to try - just like brushing my teeth everyday - to post. something. i don't expect to make anyone's life better - only to share and perhaps expunge some of the shit i've been holding on to that may be keeping me from seeing, feeling and/or being what i need to be. is there anything wrong w posting twice a day?