apparently, i have no friends

here it is - friday nite -home alone. dude is on a playdate (no girls allowed i guess - i didn't askm he didn't invite me) and i don't have anyone to hang out with or talk to. i don't understand. i have been trying for years to find someone to be my friend. i used to be accused of being standoffish. back then i had plenty of reason to be. it's not that i don't trust people or don't want to let them in to my life and my world - as protective and freakishly private as i am - but i'm not an open book either. you get to know what you get to know about me and i judge you by how you handle that information. i suppose i'm somewhat guarded - only as guarded as you are. i am the correct sadist - i become exactly what you need me to be, therefore - am I the standoffish one?
it's getting to the point that i feel so desperate for friendship that i am afraid to reach out to someone because i think they will be creeped out by me. one person, has kids - her time is limited. another is a drunk and miserable - so i can only take so much of that. another only contacts me when she needs me - it looks like she is getting a divorce, so you'd think she needs me - at least that's what she told me a few months ago - instead she got meds - so she's jacked up and doesn't really need me. another, i thought i was close with - she was there for me when i was dealing with the x and the deaths...then we kinda separated - her husband came back from a long job overseas things got a little weird with the x, i got weird, they got weird and months a year went by. i felt awful. i felt guilty. i felt like i couldn't be honest with her - so i stayed away. then we got back together - and everything was ok - we were all going to pick up where we left off - no weirdness - everything was s'posed to be cool. it wasn't. it's not. her sister had a baby, her son is becoming a teenager, we tried hanging out a couple/few times and it just seems like they will only hang out if it's convenient for them. never ask me to do anything, never invite us along...no lunch plans, no movie nites, no shopping sprees, not even a returned phone call, so whatever with her. the other only does things as a couple or during the day on the weekend when her husband is doing something else - never anything during the week. another is just a lot to deal with and i've seen her twice this week - that's enough...and those are the girls. guys are guys, most married w children, or are business associates, so there is little more in common than work related activities. the drunk has a friend that i've tried to be friends with. she's single now, very pretty, very successful and very talented...but how do i go about getting close to her without being a weirdo? i can't use the drunk as the go-between because she is miserable and having self esteem issues and won't go out. i mean MAYBE she will, but it's like pulling teeth and as much as i like her (the drunk) and i'm trying to help her out in many ways - there are just some things that she will not do. maybe we've gone out before, but the friend and the drunk are besties and i feel left out.
i also used to be called a social butterfly - as a fault. not so much anymore, obviously.

trying to write each day isn't so easy. since no one really knows i have this blog i have to be discreet about writing. don't want the dude to wonder what i'm doing and have him think that i'm hiding something from him, y'know? i am hiding this blog, all things considered - but mainly because i have no confidence in my writing. i also don't necessarily like the arrogance that goes along with writing with the assumption that what i have is a) worthy of reading or b) quality. no punctuation. this is no exercise in writing skills, which perhaps it should be - then maybe i wouldn't feel so guilty or like i'm being so self indulgent.

a few of my favorite things

today - i hauled my happy ass over the hill to meet the grilled cheese truck (www.thegrilledcheesetruck.com) at The Frosted Cupcakery and thuroughly enjoyed my american and gruyere cheese sammich on whole wheat bread and got 2 cupcakes: apple cinnamon and chocolate with vanilla frosting. it started raining as i waited in line for my grilled cheese, but it wasn't that bad. i hustled back to my car and enjoyed to gooey meltedness before driving off to amoeba. while at amoeba, i did some digging and found a 12" that i have been trying to find for over TWENTY YEARS!! (more on that later) it was only $2.99!! which doesn't quite balance out the $65 i spent on Fabriclive CDs, but it's the little victories, i guess.

again

so this time - i'm going to try - just like brushing my teeth everyday - to post. something. i don't expect to make anyone's life better - only to share and perhaps expunge some of the shit i've been holding on to that may be keeping me from seeing, feeling and/or being what i need to be. is there anything wrong w posting twice a day?