over the passed few weeks, some things have been said - and i don't know where to put them or how to process them - so i will start here.
the funeral. he didn't want me to go. didn't understand why i thought i should go. didn't need my support.
i expressed my concerns for a friend having trouble in her marriage over children, how she wants them depserately, and her husband no longer does. her husband is focusing on his career, and doesn't feel that he wants or can handle a child. she has had one miscarriage already and has been told it may be unlikely that she can have children. i was concerned because the last time we spoke, she was building resentment towards him. HE said we can relate. and reminded me of how i do not want children and he does.
then yesterday, as we were talking about another friend's pending visit - to see a band and a new boy - he asked me if there was someone i would see everytime i went to seattle on business.
and all at the same time, my new little kitten harrasses his cat, keeps us awake running through the house and climbs all over us at 5a every morning.
what am i supposed to think about all of this? do i sit down and talk to him about it? how do i approach it? am i holding everything in for too long?
how can he still think that there is anyone else? how can he continue to send me signals, pushing me away, and act surprised when i seem distant.
i guess that could be how i bring it up to him. just say something like look, i've been getting mixed signals from you, don't know if you are aware of it, but here is how these things are coming across to me...
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Monday, August 3, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
wow - i suck
so i left the house this morning - the a/c was on the nite before and the house was fairly cool. dude was called to set at 3a. i figured i'd come home for lunch. i also treated the chair that edgg'r had pee'd on last year - thinking that i'd come home for lunch & put it all back together. problem is - i didn't come home for lunch.
dude got home from set about 5 & sent a text saying the house was boiling cuz i didn't open any windows! then called me and said the kittkes pee'd all over the kitched floor outside of the box and vomited in the living room. and apparently pee'd on the living room carpet. he had to come home from a long day and clean up cat mess.
dude is NOT happy.
i don't know what i should do. he's made more than one comment on how the addition of my kitten has changed the behaviour of his cat. we even had his cat at the vet 2 weeks ago - just to make sure there wasn't anything seriously wrong with him - he had diareah and was crying in the box. he had a little bladder infection, but was otherwise ok.
i can treat the lving room carpet with the same stuff i used on the chair - it seems to work well. but this overall is kinda bad for us.
srsly - i don't know what i should do. maybe i should offer to leave. once he pays me back i'll be able to afford to put a deposit down on a place. i'm in a bit of a panic and haven't felt good about 'us' off and on for a while now. i wonder if this is the last straw for him?
i have the next 3 days off from work. i guess i'll spend a good protion of that time working on us.
god i suck! how could i do that to those cute little kitties.
dude got home from set about 5 & sent a text saying the house was boiling cuz i didn't open any windows! then called me and said the kittkes pee'd all over the kitched floor outside of the box and vomited in the living room. and apparently pee'd on the living room carpet. he had to come home from a long day and clean up cat mess.
dude is NOT happy.
i don't know what i should do. he's made more than one comment on how the addition of my kitten has changed the behaviour of his cat. we even had his cat at the vet 2 weeks ago - just to make sure there wasn't anything seriously wrong with him - he had diareah and was crying in the box. he had a little bladder infection, but was otherwise ok.
i can treat the lving room carpet with the same stuff i used on the chair - it seems to work well. but this overall is kinda bad for us.
srsly - i don't know what i should do. maybe i should offer to leave. once he pays me back i'll be able to afford to put a deposit down on a place. i'm in a bit of a panic and haven't felt good about 'us' off and on for a while now. i wonder if this is the last straw for him?
i have the next 3 days off from work. i guess i'll spend a good protion of that time working on us.
god i suck! how could i do that to those cute little kitties.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Sad Today
i dreamed that i had a friend - a girl, that i really liked and wanted to be close to. part of the dream was that the dude and i had to pretend we weren't together because his x was there with her new girlfriend. the funny part was that i was cuddling with the dude in bed while i was having this dream, and had my arms around the girl in the dream, too.
i cna find some meaning in this dream:
i don't have a close girlfriend here. my closest friends are in minneapolis and atlanta and i feel that missing in my life.
i'm not sure where the dude's x comes in - i certainly feel inadequate to her. she is stunningly beautiful. but their relationship was a farce to be quite honest. long distance, on again off again, bad sex, but good support from her end, professionally and emotionally. she knew how to "deal" with him and his moods. and god, just drop dead gorgeous. people would look at him and go "dude, HOW?" that doesn't happen with me.
then i got an email from MY x. he's such a douche. he's acutally a by the book narcissist. seriously - steps 1-9 in wikipedia. it's unsettling. esepcially unsettling to think of how long i was with him. he's 44 years old and will never ever get help for it. it makes me sad that i dealt with that for so long, it makes me sad that everyone in his life is impacted by his behavior, it makes me sad that his life will always be tortured. he thinks he is at least equal to those around him, and the longer and farther i am away from him, sadly, the more clearly i see his dysfunctions and limitations.
for so long, i thought it had so much to do with me.
i cna find some meaning in this dream:
i don't have a close girlfriend here. my closest friends are in minneapolis and atlanta and i feel that missing in my life.
i'm not sure where the dude's x comes in - i certainly feel inadequate to her. she is stunningly beautiful. but their relationship was a farce to be quite honest. long distance, on again off again, bad sex, but good support from her end, professionally and emotionally. she knew how to "deal" with him and his moods. and god, just drop dead gorgeous. people would look at him and go "dude, HOW?" that doesn't happen with me.
then i got an email from MY x. he's such a douche. he's acutally a by the book narcissist. seriously - steps 1-9 in wikipedia. it's unsettling. esepcially unsettling to think of how long i was with him. he's 44 years old and will never ever get help for it. it makes me sad that i dealt with that for so long, it makes me sad that everyone in his life is impacted by his behavior, it makes me sad that his life will always be tortured. he thinks he is at least equal to those around him, and the longer and farther i am away from him, sadly, the more clearly i see his dysfunctions and limitations.
for so long, i thought it had so much to do with me.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
party disaster
so of course the party was a disaster. and not for the reasons you would think. the ex had nothing, well hardly anything to do with it. it was pretty much all me and my inability to behave responsibly in social situations. i had a mom moment earlier in the day and kept it inside. then another 2 mom moments at the party and walked away from people mid-sentence. i was too uncomfortable with people i had not seen in close to a year, people who knew me with the x, who don't know about me and the current, great guy, so i was really just crawling out of my skin the whole time. alcohol hit me too hard, i got loud and in people's face, thinking i was being funny - which apparently i was not. then the fucking crazy bitch cornered me, saying all kinds of CRAZY stuff in the middle of the party, me 3 drinks into it. completely inappropriate - and crazy psychotic behaviour - b/c she is crazy and psychotic. saying shit that just wasnt at all true. i didn't need that either. i wanted to be with Him the whole time. holding his hand, being introduced as his girlfriend. but i wasn't. i was just another person to meet at the party, then on my way. it was awful. He felt awful. He got angry with me. He told me about all the things He doesn't like about me. i don't know now if we are breaking up or what. he posted that he was SAD on myspace, the crazy bitch just sent me a text asking me if "anything happened" and if "he was ok" because she's been trying to reach him b/c his profile said he was "sad" and therefore she is "concerned"
SHE is a big problem with us. she is crazy - he knows it, i know it, everybody knows it, but he still entertains her. i called her crazy from day one and never let her close to me. she says i betrayed her and i'm turining him against her. i don't have the power to do so, or by all means i certainly would! the thing is - he doesn't call her on it. he tries to reason with her and talk her out of the crazy. he lets her go on and on.
he told me not to talk to her anymore. that he's not going to talk to her, unless she is being happy and pleasant (which isn't very often, b/c all she does is bring drama) i don't know if i believe him. i don't know if he says one thing to me, then pats her on the head and tells her that everything is ok.
i fwd'd him the text - thinking that i wanted him to know that she was bugging me. sharing what i have to deal with from her - but now i wish i hadn't. i should have just deleted it - not responded to her at all (which i still won't do) and never let him know that she contacted me. THAT'S control! THAT'S more like it! damn! i shoulda done that! THAT'S the kinda thing she would accuse me of doing, too. you want to see me play like that - watch! you want me to turn him against you - watch me do EVERYTHING in my power to do so. cunt!
SHE is a big problem with us. she is crazy - he knows it, i know it, everybody knows it, but he still entertains her. i called her crazy from day one and never let her close to me. she says i betrayed her and i'm turining him against her. i don't have the power to do so, or by all means i certainly would! the thing is - he doesn't call her on it. he tries to reason with her and talk her out of the crazy. he lets her go on and on.
he told me not to talk to her anymore. that he's not going to talk to her, unless she is being happy and pleasant (which isn't very often, b/c all she does is bring drama) i don't know if i believe him. i don't know if he says one thing to me, then pats her on the head and tells her that everything is ok.
i fwd'd him the text - thinking that i wanted him to know that she was bugging me. sharing what i have to deal with from her - but now i wish i hadn't. i should have just deleted it - not responded to her at all (which i still won't do) and never let him know that she contacted me. THAT'S control! THAT'S more like it! damn! i shoulda done that! THAT'S the kinda thing she would accuse me of doing, too. you want to see me play like that - watch! you want me to turn him against you - watch me do EVERYTHING in my power to do so. cunt!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
I gotta tell ya
i've been with this guy for a while now. the x doesn't know. it started out as an affair. he was a mutual friend of the x and i. we've managed to keep it secret from him for quite sometime now. he would like to remain friends with the x, but the x is really not that great of a friend - contrary to what the x's little mind thinks of himself. there are many things the x thinks about himself that are painfully misguided - but that's an entirely different blog all together! this guy is 6 different ways of awesome! not that the x didn't have his awesome moments from time to time, but the x never produced much of anything with his awesomeness. the ex is talented, but his no idea at all how to harness that talent to get what he wants. this guy does! i think i would be a good example of that. he wanted me. he got me, whether he expected to, really wanted to, or not. he got me and i held on. never EVER have i found myself so satisfied with a partner and lover. the x was a horrible lover. no stamina. infrequent as all hell - which is what really drove me into the arms of another. the feeling that i was sexy, attractive, and not frigid and broken, unable to be satisfied because of MY issues. this guy can go for hours. and then go for hours again. several times a day. everyday of the week if we wanted to. i think there has been one or two times that we have gone 5-7 days in a row! it's quite astonishing - at our age - to have such a sex drive. i hear it's normal for women at my age to be at their peak - but men? don't they peak at 20 or something like that? he's strong. he carries me through the house. he's confident. he's a man. the x was a boy. is a boy - a 44 year old boy.
oddly enough, their birthdays are
oddly enough, their birthdays are
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Mom
my mom died.
on july 14, 2008 at about 11.30a EST. i had a red-eye booked to go back to north carolina to see her (1 week after seeing her) because she had taken such a bad turn. she decided on another round of chemo. i told her i would not do it, if i were her, i guess i could have been a bit more adamant about it. at the time, we were under the impression that she had about 6 months to live, and that this flavor of chemo showed a 20% chance of change. i guess we should have asked what kind of change. doctors suck. chemo sucks and so does cancer. my mother was not strong enough for another round of chemo. at least i tried to ask that question, but the doctors just glossed over it. we didn't specifically ASK if the 20% chance of change was positive or negative. i did ask what the statistics were for the other 80%, but they don't keep stats like that. "Death within a week" was not part of any conversation we had with any doctor. they all said they were surpised and that it was completely unexpected.
my mom was supposed to live a really long time. she died 1 year and 2 months almost to the day after my father died. but my father was a jerk. my mom was amazing. did anything and everything for her daughters (me & my sister) she was supposed to get really old, see both of her daughters happy and safe and be proud of us. i know she was proud of us, she was always proud of us, but i know that she did not die with peace on her mind about us, especially my sister. she never met the new boyfriend. she only knew the other one, the one that used me and used her until there was nothing left. because i lived so far away, i had to assure her that i was safe and well taken care of. she asked me if i was going to marry this guy, and for once, i honestly felt that i didn't know if i would, that it was a possibility. i never wanted to get married. (that's an entire different blog all together) but i would marry this guy. in a heartbeat. my mom said that would make her happy. i guess i can't make her happy anymore.
we looked into a convalescent home for her - somewhere for her to go after the chemo treatment for rehabilitation. her insurance would cover the first 20 days, 100% so we thought that would be a great option. we looked into transporation to and from any future treatment, found that to be realistic and affordable. she was going to go through 2 out of the 6 rounds of chemo treatment and evaluate the results before deciding to go further. the doctors said they do not see much of a response until at least 2 treatments.
i spoke to her the day after her first treatment. she said it was quick and painless and all she felt ws a bit tired. she had a strong appetite, a bit of diareah, but some imodium cleared that up for her right away. she was looking forward to gettign a little more time. just a little more than 6 months. of course, to make sure that my sister and i were ok.
then 4 days went by and my sister called saturday morning and left a message to not call, that mom needed rest. she said that she started feeling bad on thursday, was painfully constipated and was saying that she felt like she would explode. my sister spent most of the night with her on friday. the doctors said she would not be going home. i told my sister to call me if she went to the hospital later and my mom was ok to talk. her oxygen levels were very low, and if they got down below 80, as stated in her living will, it was time to discuss unplugging the machinery.
that day i made arrangements to fly back east. i booked a red eye for monday night. my mom's brother was also flying in on monday.
i talked to my sister on sunday, told her i was coming back. she said that my mom did not want me to come. she was happy with the week prior that we had spent together. she didn't want me to see her like that. my mom had a weird thing with me. my coming back out would cause her to worry about my job and my finances. again, putting my well-being before hers.
early monday morning my sister called and said she had been at the hospital since 4a. my dad's sister came to town and was in t he room with my mom to give my sister a much needed break. my sister was going to run to her house to get her computer, which needed to be repaired and bring it to the hospital for someone to pick up.
she called back about 2.5 hours later - my mom was gone. my sister was not there. she was rushing through the hopital b/c my aunt told her to get back as soon as possible.
i've been away from my family for almost 11 years. i don't like the feeling of my mom not being there.
i miss her
i am sad
when other things happen now, it makes me even sadder because i think of her. things haven't been going great with my boyfriend. and when something happens between us - it makes it all that much worse, because i want to be happy with him. i want to be happy because that's what i told my mom i was.
on july 14, 2008 at about 11.30a EST. i had a red-eye booked to go back to north carolina to see her (1 week after seeing her) because she had taken such a bad turn. she decided on another round of chemo. i told her i would not do it, if i were her, i guess i could have been a bit more adamant about it. at the time, we were under the impression that she had about 6 months to live, and that this flavor of chemo showed a 20% chance of change. i guess we should have asked what kind of change. doctors suck. chemo sucks and so does cancer. my mother was not strong enough for another round of chemo. at least i tried to ask that question, but the doctors just glossed over it. we didn't specifically ASK if the 20% chance of change was positive or negative. i did ask what the statistics were for the other 80%, but they don't keep stats like that. "Death within a week" was not part of any conversation we had with any doctor. they all said they were surpised and that it was completely unexpected.
my mom was supposed to live a really long time. she died 1 year and 2 months almost to the day after my father died. but my father was a jerk. my mom was amazing. did anything and everything for her daughters (me & my sister) she was supposed to get really old, see both of her daughters happy and safe and be proud of us. i know she was proud of us, she was always proud of us, but i know that she did not die with peace on her mind about us, especially my sister. she never met the new boyfriend. she only knew the other one, the one that used me and used her until there was nothing left. because i lived so far away, i had to assure her that i was safe and well taken care of. she asked me if i was going to marry this guy, and for once, i honestly felt that i didn't know if i would, that it was a possibility. i never wanted to get married. (that's an entire different blog all together) but i would marry this guy. in a heartbeat. my mom said that would make her happy. i guess i can't make her happy anymore.
we looked into a convalescent home for her - somewhere for her to go after the chemo treatment for rehabilitation. her insurance would cover the first 20 days, 100% so we thought that would be a great option. we looked into transporation to and from any future treatment, found that to be realistic and affordable. she was going to go through 2 out of the 6 rounds of chemo treatment and evaluate the results before deciding to go further. the doctors said they do not see much of a response until at least 2 treatments.
i spoke to her the day after her first treatment. she said it was quick and painless and all she felt ws a bit tired. she had a strong appetite, a bit of diareah, but some imodium cleared that up for her right away. she was looking forward to gettign a little more time. just a little more than 6 months. of course, to make sure that my sister and i were ok.
then 4 days went by and my sister called saturday morning and left a message to not call, that mom needed rest. she said that she started feeling bad on thursday, was painfully constipated and was saying that she felt like she would explode. my sister spent most of the night with her on friday. the doctors said she would not be going home. i told my sister to call me if she went to the hospital later and my mom was ok to talk. her oxygen levels were very low, and if they got down below 80, as stated in her living will, it was time to discuss unplugging the machinery.
that day i made arrangements to fly back east. i booked a red eye for monday night. my mom's brother was also flying in on monday.
i talked to my sister on sunday, told her i was coming back. she said that my mom did not want me to come. she was happy with the week prior that we had spent together. she didn't want me to see her like that. my mom had a weird thing with me. my coming back out would cause her to worry about my job and my finances. again, putting my well-being before hers.
early monday morning my sister called and said she had been at the hospital since 4a. my dad's sister came to town and was in t he room with my mom to give my sister a much needed break. my sister was going to run to her house to get her computer, which needed to be repaired and bring it to the hospital for someone to pick up.
she called back about 2.5 hours later - my mom was gone. my sister was not there. she was rushing through the hopital b/c my aunt told her to get back as soon as possible.
i've been away from my family for almost 11 years. i don't like the feeling of my mom not being there.
i miss her
i am sad
when other things happen now, it makes me even sadder because i think of her. things haven't been going great with my boyfriend. and when something happens between us - it makes it all that much worse, because i want to be happy with him. i want to be happy because that's what i told my mom i was.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
time flies
it's not like i'm trying to maintain a daily diary or anything - so if a few days or week goes by - no one's reading so no one cares but me, right?
my mom went into the hospital thursday june 26th, trouble breathing and pain (she has lung cancer and emphesyma) that friday i went to the doctor with a kidney infection and was advised to go to the emergency room b/c they couldn't treat me effectively at planned parenthood. i called my sister to tell her i was going to ER, she seemed happily drunk with her biker/redneck friends in north carolina where her and my mother live. she told me to call her when i got out, let her know what was going on, etc. so i call my sister back & leave a message on her cell. call my mom saturday morning to see how she's doing. she tells me my sister took off to virginia the night before b/c her ex boyfriend was in a really bad accident. now i just started my job in april, i've been trying to save money to file for bankruptcy and do not in any way have the means to up and travel accross the country. then i find out my sister did not drive herself to virginia. he redneck friends did. so she has no way home. then my mom says that when my sister got there, her x-bf's parents were there and so was her x-bf's NEW girlfriend. so i call my sister - at first a bit compassionate, but a bit irritated that she put herself in that situation and knowing for a fact that she did not drive there bc she was too drunk. (alcohol and family: the new blog) i got my uncle's number from her and called him. asked him if there was any way he could go to NC to be with my mom, of course the selfish bastard says 'no'. so here i am, in LA, my sister is in VA with her ex, his new GF and his family, and my mom is in the hospital alone. for.fuck's.sake.
so the super amazing boyfriend gathers his frequent flyer miles and amex points and get me a ticket and rental car. i left rather upbruptly, with little notice to my job on tuesday july 1st. i returned on saturday the 5th. (flying: the new blog, coming soon)
my mom went into the hospital thursday june 26th, trouble breathing and pain (she has lung cancer and emphesyma) that friday i went to the doctor with a kidney infection and was advised to go to the emergency room b/c they couldn't treat me effectively at planned parenthood. i called my sister to tell her i was going to ER, she seemed happily drunk with her biker/redneck friends in north carolina where her and my mother live. she told me to call her when i got out, let her know what was going on, etc. so i call my sister back & leave a message on her cell. call my mom saturday morning to see how she's doing. she tells me my sister took off to virginia the night before b/c her ex boyfriend was in a really bad accident. now i just started my job in april, i've been trying to save money to file for bankruptcy and do not in any way have the means to up and travel accross the country. then i find out my sister did not drive herself to virginia. he redneck friends did. so she has no way home. then my mom says that when my sister got there, her x-bf's parents were there and so was her x-bf's NEW girlfriend. so i call my sister - at first a bit compassionate, but a bit irritated that she put herself in that situation and knowing for a fact that she did not drive there bc she was too drunk. (alcohol and family: the new blog) i got my uncle's number from her and called him. asked him if there was any way he could go to NC to be with my mom, of course the selfish bastard says 'no'. so here i am, in LA, my sister is in VA with her ex, his new GF and his family, and my mom is in the hospital alone. for.fuck's.sake.
so the super amazing boyfriend gathers his frequent flyer miles and amex points and get me a ticket and rental car. i left rather upbruptly, with little notice to my job on tuesday july 1st. i returned on saturday the 5th. (flying: the new blog, coming soon)
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Squishy
I had to put my cat Squishy to sleep on Saturday. She was diagnosed with inoperable cancer in February of this year, and had withered away to nothing but skin and bones in the care of my non-working, loser ex.
i got her ashes back on monday, july 7th. they were packages in a nice cedar box with ehr name exgraved on a little metal plate on top. very nice. i was expecting to get a bag of randon ashes. i can get a diamond made from her ashes if i'd like...but it's expensive. i always wanted to have the skull of one of my cats. i'm told that's creepy...what do you think?
i got her ashes back on monday, july 7th. they were packages in a nice cedar box with ehr name exgraved on a little metal plate on top. very nice. i was expecting to get a bag of randon ashes. i can get a diamond made from her ashes if i'd like...but it's expensive. i always wanted to have the skull of one of my cats. i'm told that's creepy...what do you think?
Thursday, June 12, 2008
DailyOM
So my best friend Karole encouraged me to sing up for this Daily OM thing a little while ago. i'm not one for this metaphysical horsecrap, i don't have the patience for yoga (my shit falls asleep) and thinking too much about myself and my future makes me sad & cranky. the Daily OM comes into my email box everyday and every other day or so, something hits a nerve or strikes fairly close to home.
i ended a 10 year relationship in April 2007. it took many months to completely separate myself physically from the ex, and at this point, he even still has my cats at the house that was once ours. (but that's an entirely different blog)
when i read this today, it's obvious that a huge part of me should have died with the end of the relationship, and a new me should be born. i wondered to myself how long that transition should take? i wonder if some of the difficulties i am experiencing with the new wonderful boyfriend are a result of my not being fully aware of the parts of my that have died and may still be dying and interfering in our complete happiness. the new dude also ended a relationship this past year. 9one not nearly as tumultuous and ingrained in our livlihood as mine, but nonetheless...) i think i should bring this up to him, to try to use this as a way for us both to work through some of the problems we are having. not as an excuse, but as a tool. to stop for a moment and think - is this a part of me that is dying and i am afraid of losing, so that i must embrace the loss and a birth and open myself up to the possibility that love and protection are being offered?
i dunno. maybe it's a buncha hooey. i'll be back, after i think about it more.
June 12, 2008
Life Transitions
The Death And Rebirth Of Self Sometimes a part of us must die before another part can come to life. Even though this is a natural and necessary part of our growth, it is often painful or, if we don’t realize what’s happening, confusing and disorienting. In fact, confusion and disorientation are often the messengers that tell us a shift is taking place within us. These shifts happen throughout the lives of all humans, as we move from infancy to childhood to adolescence and beyond. With each transition from one phase to another, we find ourselves saying good-bye to an old friend, the identity that we formed in order to move through that particular time.
Sometimes we form these identities in relationships or jobs, and when we shift those areas of our life become unsettled. Usually, if we take the time to look into the changing surface of things, we will find that a shift is taking place within us. For example, we may go through one whole chapter of our lives creating a protective shell around ourselves because we need it in order to heal from some early trauma. One day, though, we may find ourselves feeling confined and restless, wanting to move outside the shelter we needed for so long; the new part of ourselves cannot be born within the confines of the shell our old self needed to survive.
We may feel a strange mixture of exhilaration and sadness as we say good-bye to a part of ourselves that is dying and make way for a whole new identity to emerge in its place. We may find inspiration in working with the image of an animal who molts or sheds in order to make way for new skin, fur, or feathers to emerge. For example, keeping a duck feather, or some other symbol of transformation, can remind us that death and rebirth are simply nature’s way of evolving. We can surrender to this process, letting go of our past self with great love and gratitude, and welcoming the new with an open mind and heart, ready for our next phase of life.
i ended a 10 year relationship in April 2007. it took many months to completely separate myself physically from the ex, and at this point, he even still has my cats at the house that was once ours. (but that's an entirely different blog)
when i read this today, it's obvious that a huge part of me should have died with the end of the relationship, and a new me should be born. i wondered to myself how long that transition should take? i wonder if some of the difficulties i am experiencing with the new wonderful boyfriend are a result of my not being fully aware of the parts of my that have died and may still be dying and interfering in our complete happiness. the new dude also ended a relationship this past year. 9one not nearly as tumultuous and ingrained in our livlihood as mine, but nonetheless...) i think i should bring this up to him, to try to use this as a way for us both to work through some of the problems we are having. not as an excuse, but as a tool. to stop for a moment and think - is this a part of me that is dying and i am afraid of losing, so that i must embrace the loss and a birth and open myself up to the possibility that love and protection are being offered?
i dunno. maybe it's a buncha hooey. i'll be back, after i think about it more.
June 12, 2008
Life Transitions
The Death And Rebirth Of Self Sometimes a part of us must die before another part can come to life. Even though this is a natural and necessary part of our growth, it is often painful or, if we don’t realize what’s happening, confusing and disorienting. In fact, confusion and disorientation are often the messengers that tell us a shift is taking place within us. These shifts happen throughout the lives of all humans, as we move from infancy to childhood to adolescence and beyond. With each transition from one phase to another, we find ourselves saying good-bye to an old friend, the identity that we formed in order to move through that particular time.
Sometimes we form these identities in relationships or jobs, and when we shift those areas of our life become unsettled. Usually, if we take the time to look into the changing surface of things, we will find that a shift is taking place within us. For example, we may go through one whole chapter of our lives creating a protective shell around ourselves because we need it in order to heal from some early trauma. One day, though, we may find ourselves feeling confined and restless, wanting to move outside the shelter we needed for so long; the new part of ourselves cannot be born within the confines of the shell our old self needed to survive.
We may feel a strange mixture of exhilaration and sadness as we say good-bye to a part of ourselves that is dying and make way for a whole new identity to emerge in its place. We may find inspiration in working with the image of an animal who molts or sheds in order to make way for new skin, fur, or feathers to emerge. For example, keeping a duck feather, or some other symbol of transformation, can remind us that death and rebirth are simply nature’s way of evolving. We can surrender to this process, letting go of our past self with great love and gratitude, and welcoming the new with an open mind and heart, ready for our next phase of life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
