Sad Today

i dreamed that i had a friend - a girl, that i really liked and wanted to be close to. part of the dream was that the dude and i had to pretend we weren't together because his x was there with her new girlfriend. the funny part was that i was cuddling with the dude in bed while i was having this dream, and had my arms around the girl in the dream, too.

i cna find some meaning in this dream:

i don't have a close girlfriend here. my closest friends are in minneapolis and atlanta and i feel that missing in my life.

i'm not sure where the dude's x comes in - i certainly feel inadequate to her. she is stunningly beautiful. but their relationship was a farce to be quite honest. long distance, on again off again, bad sex, but good support from her end, professionally and emotionally. she knew how to "deal" with him and his moods. and god, just drop dead gorgeous. people would look at him and go "dude, HOW?" that doesn't happen with me.

then i got an email from MY x. he's such a douche. he's acutally a by the book narcissist. seriously - steps 1-9 in wikipedia. it's unsettling. esepcially unsettling to think of how long i was with him. he's 44 years old and will never ever get help for it. it makes me sad that i dealt with that for so long, it makes me sad that everyone in his life is impacted by his behavior, it makes me sad that his life will always be tortured. he thinks he is at least equal to those around him, and the longer and farther i am away from him, sadly, the more clearly i see his dysfunctions and limitations.

for so long, i thought it had so much to do with me.