A year goes by...

so its been a year since my mom died. a year and a day. time seems to go by more quickly now. i'm not sure if it's because i'm 40, because she's gone and i don't talk to her or wait to see her anymore or all of the above. but this year has flown by.
i haven't talked to my sister in a little over a month. she's mad at me because i got irritated with her for asking me for money. i just can't get over the choices she has made in her life. i know that they are her choices, and i should not and cannot judge - i just don't know where or what our relationship is anymore. i didn't hear from my uncle either. again - so far away from them - so detached. i feel like they have let go, and perhaps so should i. my sister and i were supposed to go to florida this month and spread my mother's ashes in the ocean, bonsidering she just asked me for $$, and we haven't talked, she obviously doesn't have her shit together enough to get to FL. it's going to be more of a process for me to get there, she 's just going to drive - i have to take time off work, fly, rent a car or get someone to pick me up at the airport and whatever. plus we "planned" on inviting my mother's friends to the...memorial...some of them are out of state, too so they need to plan. maybe next year? shitty of us, isn't it?

Dreams of my mother

Mom was in my dream last nite - i can't quite remember it all....we were in our house in ft lauderdale for part of it. her parents had recently dies and we were gathering their jewelry to send to one of those cash for gold places...there was more shelving and china throughout the house. i wonder if that's a connection to the x's mother who collects fire king and all that kind of stuff....

Dreams about my mom

sometimes the dreams are less about my mom, and more about her just being there and a part of my life in the dream.
saturday i dreamed that it was my birthday, and both her and my sister were there to help out with a party that i was trying to have.
i sent out an email or something like that for a party that was to start after work, however, i did not mention that in the invitation and people started showing up as i was getting ready for work that day. people, of couse, that i don't know anymore, like heather from highschool, or once worked with like alan t from florida. then work was an environment much like a convention center and i was leaving telling people to start showing up at my house for the party at 7p or so.

Dreams of My Mother

so, ever since my mom died, she is in my dreams. almost every night. i'm going to do my best to document them, when i can remember them, as best i can. i am beginning to realise that some of these dreams are telling me that i didn't celebrate enough of my mother's life. i should have been more kind to her and celebrated her more. i will try to do that through this blog.
last nite, i don't think she was there. but i was sleeping with prince xanax last nite, so that may have impeeded my nocturnal visions.
the night before, she was. it was her birthday. and when she woke up in the morning she was mad that no one had done anything for her.
about a week or 10 days ago, i dreamed that she was in bed with us. she was visiting and it was 1/2 my house with the x and half my house with dude. she was in my bed and i told her to get out, that she had to sleep on the couch, i can't remember if there was someone else on the couch, or someone on the floor next to the bed...but i told her, it's ok mom, you can sleep in here, really, it's ok. then she came into bed with me and dude and i was in the middle -i remember being very warm and comfortable. when i started to wake up, i realized the i was in between the dude and the cat - very warm, indeed.

time flies

it's not like i'm trying to maintain a daily diary or anything - so if a few days or week goes by - no one's reading so no one cares but me, right?
my mom went into the hospital thursday june 26th, trouble breathing and pain (she has lung cancer and emphesyma) that friday i went to the doctor with a kidney infection and was advised to go to the emergency room b/c they couldn't treat me effectively at planned parenthood. i called my sister to tell her i was going to ER, she seemed happily drunk with her biker/redneck friends in north carolina where her and my mother live. she told me to call her when i got out, let her know what was going on, etc. so i call my sister back & leave a message on her cell. call my mom saturday morning to see how she's doing. she tells me my sister took off to virginia the night before b/c her ex boyfriend was in a really bad accident. now i just started my job in april, i've been trying to save money to file for bankruptcy and do not in any way have the means to up and travel accross the country. then i find out my sister did not drive herself to virginia. he redneck friends did. so she has no way home. then my mom says that when my sister got there, her x-bf's parents were there and so was her x-bf's NEW girlfriend. so i call my sister - at first a bit compassionate, but a bit irritated that she put herself in that situation and knowing for a fact that she did not drive there bc she was too drunk. (alcohol and family: the new blog) i got my uncle's number from her and called him. asked him if there was any way he could go to NC to be with my mom, of course the selfish bastard says 'no'. so here i am, in LA, my sister is in VA with her ex, his new GF and his family, and my mom is in the hospital alone. for.fuck's.sake.
so the super amazing boyfriend gathers his frequent flyer miles and amex points and get me a ticket and rental car. i left rather upbruptly, with little notice to my job on tuesday july 1st. i returned on saturday the 5th. (flying: the new blog, coming soon)