again

so this time - i'm going to try - just like brushing my teeth everyday - to post. something. i don't expect to make anyone's life better - only to share and perhaps expunge some of the shit i've been holding on to that may be keeping me from seeing, feeling and/or being what i need to be. is there anything wrong w posting twice a day?

once a day

so my best friend says to me today - just try to give your blog 10 minutes a day & don't beat yourself up about it if you don't. so that's what i'm doing. i also just bought a laptop, which will allow me more freedom than being tied to a desktop. i have so much to tell! a lot has happened and i have a lot of venting to do. a good friend is configuring the laptop for me, so all the settings are set appropriately. it's going to be very nice to have a new, clean laptop computer all to myself, without the bad juju that the x managed to dump into my desktop while surfing porn and downloading questionable files from questionable sources. (idiot) my desktop, while TITS when i first got it in 2001, is acting up and it probably on its way out. it was frankensteined together by my computer literate friends - and tekmologie has come so far, it really makes much more sense for me to have a laptop. so i forked over the $$ - on sale, a fair price $399 and good quality (toshiba) according to the my tek genious friend.
cheers my friend! to more blogging that no one will ever read!!!

still nothing, huh?

so the dude is getting weird again. his life is spiraling downward and nothing i can do can help him. his in financial distress, not as a result of the nation's economic downturn - but that certainly doesn't help. he can't find work and he's out of money. he chose a path 5 years ago that has apprarently lead to disaster for him. he walk away from a successful career to follow his dream that is not all but shattered.

and i cannot help.

i try to tell him that i'm here for him, to help him. i have a pittance of an inheritance that i can use to help "US" through this difficult time. knowing that it is only temporary, and he supported me, and will continue to support me.
he is not wired that way. he's never had anyone take care of him, and is not accustomed to it. he cannot accept it. which effectively tells me - that he cannot accept our relationship as a partnership. he's not invested in the "US" - he is invested in me, and being with me, but not in what it means for us to be in a sharing commited relationship together.
he was married. twice. the 1st time he was too young, their lives were taking different paths, so the split was somewhat amicalble. the second was a sham. she cheated on him and used him to get a green card and get into the US. she destroyed his credit and reinforced is abandonement issues with women, and he has refused to commit since. he loves, he gives, he affectionate, and kind - generous to a fault - but will not submit completely and expose himself to such heartache and betrayal.
but i keep working on him. my new strategy is to continue to remind him that we are in this together. and that we can be remarkably strong together and make it through this. i don't know if it's working yet.

is this thing on?

so i wonder how this works....i mean, i know i'm screaming for no reason - but is anyone really reading? not that there has been anything all that compelling written.
are there people out there who just sift though blogs looking for something to read? what kind of lives do they (you) lead?

i'm getting my taxes done today. (ugh) i owed from 2006 so i figured i'd put off 2007 as long as possible. i used to always get $$ back. but changing jobs, cashing out my 401k (because the x NEVER had a job & couldn't pay his half of ANYTHING) then losing the job and using the $$ put aside for taxes to pay rent (as previously mentioned, the x with no job...) left me owing for '06. funny enough, i had put enough aside prior to losing the job to pay off the taxes owed AND for the processing of the taxes. sadly, by the time tax time came around, that money was gone.
happily! so is the non-working x.

it's not that money is so terribly important. but knowing there is mutual efforts applied and contributed to day to day living, really makes a difference. see upcoming blog...

time flies

it's not like i'm trying to maintain a daily diary or anything - so if a few days or week goes by - no one's reading so no one cares but me, right?
my mom went into the hospital thursday june 26th, trouble breathing and pain (she has lung cancer and emphesyma) that friday i went to the doctor with a kidney infection and was advised to go to the emergency room b/c they couldn't treat me effectively at planned parenthood. i called my sister to tell her i was going to ER, she seemed happily drunk with her biker/redneck friends in north carolina where her and my mother live. she told me to call her when i got out, let her know what was going on, etc. so i call my sister back & leave a message on her cell. call my mom saturday morning to see how she's doing. she tells me my sister took off to virginia the night before b/c her ex boyfriend was in a really bad accident. now i just started my job in april, i've been trying to save money to file for bankruptcy and do not in any way have the means to up and travel accross the country. then i find out my sister did not drive herself to virginia. he redneck friends did. so she has no way home. then my mom says that when my sister got there, her x-bf's parents were there and so was her x-bf's NEW girlfriend. so i call my sister - at first a bit compassionate, but a bit irritated that she put herself in that situation and knowing for a fact that she did not drive there bc she was too drunk. (alcohol and family: the new blog) i got my uncle's number from her and called him. asked him if there was any way he could go to NC to be with my mom, of course the selfish bastard says 'no'. so here i am, in LA, my sister is in VA with her ex, his new GF and his family, and my mom is in the hospital alone. for.fuck's.sake.
so the super amazing boyfriend gathers his frequent flyer miles and amex points and get me a ticket and rental car. i left rather upbruptly, with little notice to my job on tuesday july 1st. i returned on saturday the 5th. (flying: the new blog, coming soon)

Day Two...no land in site

i love my new boyfriend. he's awesome. we've known each other for several years, he was a friend of my ex, who i was with for 10 years. the current, was a needed distraction and a catalyst for me to extricate myself from my predicament with the ex. he's strong and caring. he's self aware and self-sufficient. he's desperate to communicate with me - which is where our only problem lies. i have had a lifetime of not communicating. no one ever asked me how i was feeling or how any experience was effecting (affecting?) me, so i never said. i had a don;t ask don't tell policy for myself. in my experiences, i also found that when i did tell, or express myself or my feelings, i was riduculed, ignored, or dismissed. or the conversation escalated into an arguement, yelling screaming, name calling, etc. so that taught me that expressing myself was bad. i like to call it conditioning. the new dude does. a lot. he is so expressive and so into his emotions and feelings - it's funny - he almost makes me look like a dude sometimes!
and the sex is great.
REALLY GREAT!
sex with the ex - was not. ever. but that's a completely different blog.

First Day With The New Blog

i don't pretend to think that i have anything special to say or that anyone would have a particular interest in reading anything i have to say. i'm not so arrogant to think that anything i have to say is in any way important, right or true. i guess i just want a place to say it - where i don't have to worry about "who" even reads it, "who" likes it, agrees with it and or who disagrees with it. i kinda want to say what i want to say without the responsibility of hurting those around me with my thoughts and ideas. maybe if i get it out this way - it will help me deal with day to day nonsense of living in general.