Mom

my mom died.
on july 14, 2008 at about 11.30a EST. i had a red-eye booked to go back to north carolina to see her (1 week after seeing her) because she had taken such a bad turn. she decided on another round of chemo. i told her i would not do it, if i were her, i guess i could have been a bit more adamant about it. at the time, we were under the impression that she had about 6 months to live, and that this flavor of chemo showed a 20% chance of change. i guess we should have asked what kind of change. doctors suck. chemo sucks and so does cancer. my mother was not strong enough for another round of chemo. at least i tried to ask that question, but the doctors just glossed over it. we didn't specifically ASK if the 20% chance of change was positive or negative. i did ask what the statistics were for the other 80%, but they don't keep stats like that. "Death within a week" was not part of any conversation we had with any doctor. they all said they were surpised and that it was completely unexpected.
my mom was supposed to live a really long time. she died 1 year and 2 months almost to the day after my father died. but my father was a jerk. my mom was amazing. did anything and everything for her daughters (me & my sister) she was supposed to get really old, see both of her daughters happy and safe and be proud of us. i know she was proud of us, she was always proud of us, but i know that she did not die with peace on her mind about us, especially my sister. she never met the new boyfriend. she only knew the other one, the one that used me and used her until there was nothing left. because i lived so far away, i had to assure her that i was safe and well taken care of. she asked me if i was going to marry this guy, and for once, i honestly felt that i didn't know if i would, that it was a possibility. i never wanted to get married. (that's an entire different blog all together) but i would marry this guy. in a heartbeat. my mom said that would make her happy. i guess i can't make her happy anymore.
we looked into a convalescent home for her - somewhere for her to go after the chemo treatment for rehabilitation. her insurance would cover the first 20 days, 100% so we thought that would be a great option. we looked into transporation to and from any future treatment, found that to be realistic and affordable. she was going to go through 2 out of the 6 rounds of chemo treatment and evaluate the results before deciding to go further. the doctors said they do not see much of a response until at least 2 treatments.
i spoke to her the day after her first treatment. she said it was quick and painless and all she felt ws a bit tired. she had a strong appetite, a bit of diareah, but some imodium cleared that up for her right away. she was looking forward to gettign a little more time. just a little more than 6 months. of course, to make sure that my sister and i were ok.
then 4 days went by and my sister called saturday morning and left a message to not call, that mom needed rest. she said that she started feeling bad on thursday, was painfully constipated and was saying that she felt like she would explode. my sister spent most of the night with her on friday. the doctors said she would not be going home. i told my sister to call me if she went to the hospital later and my mom was ok to talk. her oxygen levels were very low, and if they got down below 80, as stated in her living will, it was time to discuss unplugging the machinery.
that day i made arrangements to fly back east. i booked a red eye for monday night. my mom's brother was also flying in on monday.
i talked to my sister on sunday, told her i was coming back. she said that my mom did not want me to come. she was happy with the week prior that we had spent together. she didn't want me to see her like that. my mom had a weird thing with me. my coming back out would cause her to worry about my job and my finances. again, putting my well-being before hers.
early monday morning my sister called and said she had been at the hospital since 4a. my dad's sister came to town and was in t he room with my mom to give my sister a much needed break. my sister was going to run to her house to get her computer, which needed to be repaired and bring it to the hospital for someone to pick up.
she called back about 2.5 hours later - my mom was gone. my sister was not there. she was rushing through the hopital b/c my aunt told her to get back as soon as possible.
i've been away from my family for almost 11 years. i don't like the feeling of my mom not being there.
i miss her
i am sad
when other things happen now, it makes me even sadder because i think of her. things haven't been going great with my boyfriend. and when something happens between us - it makes it all that much worse, because i want to be happy with him. i want to be happy because that's what i told my mom i was.