ok - here's something i can write about everyday! my freaking health issues! like my mom always used to say, if it's weird, you never heard of it, and never knew anyone who had it - i got it!
where to start!?
well, i've been getting yeast infections since i can remember. although, i don't think they were ever really proper bread making yeast infections. i can remember being you, less than 7 and my peepee burning. mr. bubble bath stuff was the most horrifying thing for my little girl urethra. (and apparently for millions of other small children) i don't remember much more until i was about 14 or 15. i was itching down there. a lot. and i didn't know any better, and i didn't want to tell my mom that my stuff was itching, we never talked about sex or genitals or anything like that really. my mom got sick - she went into the hospital and i was at my grandparents house...what was it for? i know i was older, but for some reason i wasn't allowed to stay at home overnite by myself...how did i get to school? wow, i can't remember. anyway, what i DO remember is the itching, and being at my gparents, so i obviously coudn't tell them anything. i remember getting a hand mirror and looking at myself, i remember a creamy discharge. i know, gross, huh? but not cheesy - that's only really happened to me once. oddly enough. i think i found some vagisil in the bathroom at home and used that until the discomfort went away. i remember volleyball practice in the summer before 9th or 10 grade - coming home and sitting with my legs open and the fan blowing directly on me. that seemed to be the best relief overall. i remember i scratched so much, i thought i had my period, told my mom, which was weird - and then i didn't get it for another couple of years or so. i think i was almost 17 when i got it. funny, most people remember the time and place. not me. but i know i was a bit older. not 12 or anything like that. like my mom. it seems like i was dealing with that stuff too often. then when i was about 19 - everything went to shit and hasn't been the same since!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The Inauguration of Barack Obama
i'm sure everybody and their grandmother is posting on their blog about this day in history. here i am screaming along with the masses - with pride and joy and hope. and of course, complete cynisism. unfortunately, i don't share the same faith in the human race that many others do. at the very least, i can look forward to being pleasantly surprised at the successes of our new wonderful president.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Dreams about my mom
sometimes the dreams are less about my mom, and more about her just being there and a part of my life in the dream.
saturday i dreamed that it was my birthday, and both her and my sister were there to help out with a party that i was trying to have.
i sent out an email or something like that for a party that was to start after work, however, i did not mention that in the invitation and people started showing up as i was getting ready for work that day. people, of couse, that i don't know anymore, like heather from highschool, or once worked with like alan t from florida. then work was an environment much like a convention center and i was leaving telling people to start showing up at my house for the party at 7p or so.
saturday i dreamed that it was my birthday, and both her and my sister were there to help out with a party that i was trying to have.
i sent out an email or something like that for a party that was to start after work, however, i did not mention that in the invitation and people started showing up as i was getting ready for work that day. people, of couse, that i don't know anymore, like heather from highschool, or once worked with like alan t from florida. then work was an environment much like a convention center and i was leaving telling people to start showing up at my house for the party at 7p or so.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Dreams of My Mother
so, ever since my mom died, she is in my dreams. almost every night. i'm going to do my best to document them, when i can remember them, as best i can. i am beginning to realise that some of these dreams are telling me that i didn't celebrate enough of my mother's life. i should have been more kind to her and celebrated her more. i will try to do that through this blog.
last nite, i don't think she was there. but i was sleeping with prince xanax last nite, so that may have impeeded my nocturnal visions.
the night before, she was. it was her birthday. and when she woke up in the morning she was mad that no one had done anything for her.
about a week or 10 days ago, i dreamed that she was in bed with us. she was visiting and it was 1/2 my house with the x and half my house with dude. she was in my bed and i told her to get out, that she had to sleep on the couch, i can't remember if there was someone else on the couch, or someone on the floor next to the bed...but i told her, it's ok mom, you can sleep in here, really, it's ok. then she came into bed with me and dude and i was in the middle -i remember being very warm and comfortable. when i started to wake up, i realized the i was in between the dude and the cat - very warm, indeed.
last nite, i don't think she was there. but i was sleeping with prince xanax last nite, so that may have impeeded my nocturnal visions.
the night before, she was. it was her birthday. and when she woke up in the morning she was mad that no one had done anything for her.
about a week or 10 days ago, i dreamed that she was in bed with us. she was visiting and it was 1/2 my house with the x and half my house with dude. she was in my bed and i told her to get out, that she had to sleep on the couch, i can't remember if there was someone else on the couch, or someone on the floor next to the bed...but i told her, it's ok mom, you can sleep in here, really, it's ok. then she came into bed with me and dude and i was in the middle -i remember being very warm and comfortable. when i started to wake up, i realized the i was in between the dude and the cat - very warm, indeed.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Sad Today
i dreamed that i had a friend - a girl, that i really liked and wanted to be close to. part of the dream was that the dude and i had to pretend we weren't together because his x was there with her new girlfriend. the funny part was that i was cuddling with the dude in bed while i was having this dream, and had my arms around the girl in the dream, too.
i cna find some meaning in this dream:
i don't have a close girlfriend here. my closest friends are in minneapolis and atlanta and i feel that missing in my life.
i'm not sure where the dude's x comes in - i certainly feel inadequate to her. she is stunningly beautiful. but their relationship was a farce to be quite honest. long distance, on again off again, bad sex, but good support from her end, professionally and emotionally. she knew how to "deal" with him and his moods. and god, just drop dead gorgeous. people would look at him and go "dude, HOW?" that doesn't happen with me.
then i got an email from MY x. he's such a douche. he's acutally a by the book narcissist. seriously - steps 1-9 in wikipedia. it's unsettling. esepcially unsettling to think of how long i was with him. he's 44 years old and will never ever get help for it. it makes me sad that i dealt with that for so long, it makes me sad that everyone in his life is impacted by his behavior, it makes me sad that his life will always be tortured. he thinks he is at least equal to those around him, and the longer and farther i am away from him, sadly, the more clearly i see his dysfunctions and limitations.
for so long, i thought it had so much to do with me.
i cna find some meaning in this dream:
i don't have a close girlfriend here. my closest friends are in minneapolis and atlanta and i feel that missing in my life.
i'm not sure where the dude's x comes in - i certainly feel inadequate to her. she is stunningly beautiful. but their relationship was a farce to be quite honest. long distance, on again off again, bad sex, but good support from her end, professionally and emotionally. she knew how to "deal" with him and his moods. and god, just drop dead gorgeous. people would look at him and go "dude, HOW?" that doesn't happen with me.
then i got an email from MY x. he's such a douche. he's acutally a by the book narcissist. seriously - steps 1-9 in wikipedia. it's unsettling. esepcially unsettling to think of how long i was with him. he's 44 years old and will never ever get help for it. it makes me sad that i dealt with that for so long, it makes me sad that everyone in his life is impacted by his behavior, it makes me sad that his life will always be tortured. he thinks he is at least equal to those around him, and the longer and farther i am away from him, sadly, the more clearly i see his dysfunctions and limitations.
for so long, i thought it had so much to do with me.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
trash and recycling
add to my long list of pet peeves. the people who rummage through my garbage for recyclable materials. the rummaging at the streetside irks me enough as it is, but it's at the curb, it's definitely going, so have at it, if you must. but the incessant trolling up and down the streets with the gross-ery carts, (the ones that all have printed on them that it's unlawful to remove them from parking lots? yeah, those) is irritating.
it is also unlawful to come up on my property to dig through my recycle bin and garbage. and it pisses me off.
so tuesday - as i'm leaving the house for work, dude had already left, so i was obviously leaving the house empty - there's a fucking guy - not going through my recycle bin, but my garbage bin. what the fuck.
"excuse me" i say. nothing
"EXCUSE ME?"
"WHAT" like i was fucking interrupting him or bothering him.
"you're not allowed to be doing that."
he shoots me a nasty look - whistles or chirps to his vatos with the carts accross the street and goes storming off.
really? the fucking nerve. and more than likely - an illegal.
asshole.
so i moved the bins into the garage & left for work.
you know, say what you will - it's my garbage, i don't want it anymore, they need the money, i know, i know, i know. but they don't need to be going through my regular garbage - and what the fuck it - i just don't fucking like it. as with many things - it's not their RIGHT to have and go through my garbage! and certainly don't give me a fucking attitude when i ask you to stop.
so we're putting the garbage bins behind the gate in the backyard. see if that deters them from rummaging. let them fight the recycle truck on trash day.
and if that doesn't work - if someone actuallly has the nerve to open a gate and enter the property to get to my trash - well, that will be a sad day for my little brown friends.
and you know what else? i've seen them park their escalades in front of my house to set out on their journey to collect other peoples garbage. here's a thought: get rid of the fucking escalade, hommie. you'll have more money and won't have to dig into other people's shit. 'th fuck are you looking for anyway? y'know that's how people get their IDs and prescritions stolen. not that i throw any of that stuff in the trash - but still - shit that has my first and last name on it is enough to make some shit happen. kinda paranoid, i guess.
whatevs.
it is also unlawful to come up on my property to dig through my recycle bin and garbage. and it pisses me off.
so tuesday - as i'm leaving the house for work, dude had already left, so i was obviously leaving the house empty - there's a fucking guy - not going through my recycle bin, but my garbage bin. what the fuck.
"excuse me" i say. nothing
"EXCUSE ME?"
"WHAT" like i was fucking interrupting him or bothering him.
"you're not allowed to be doing that."
he shoots me a nasty look - whistles or chirps to his vatos with the carts accross the street and goes storming off.
really? the fucking nerve. and more than likely - an illegal.
asshole.
so i moved the bins into the garage & left for work.
you know, say what you will - it's my garbage, i don't want it anymore, they need the money, i know, i know, i know. but they don't need to be going through my regular garbage - and what the fuck it - i just don't fucking like it. as with many things - it's not their RIGHT to have and go through my garbage! and certainly don't give me a fucking attitude when i ask you to stop.
so we're putting the garbage bins behind the gate in the backyard. see if that deters them from rummaging. let them fight the recycle truck on trash day.
and if that doesn't work - if someone actuallly has the nerve to open a gate and enter the property to get to my trash - well, that will be a sad day for my little brown friends.
and you know what else? i've seen them park their escalades in front of my house to set out on their journey to collect other peoples garbage. here's a thought: get rid of the fucking escalade, hommie. you'll have more money and won't have to dig into other people's shit. 'th fuck are you looking for anyway? y'know that's how people get their IDs and prescritions stolen. not that i throw any of that stuff in the trash - but still - shit that has my first and last name on it is enough to make some shit happen. kinda paranoid, i guess.
whatevs.
Monday, January 5, 2009
happy new year 2009
so here we are - another new year. it's 2009 and i find myself saying (again) THIS is going to be a good year. it's GOT to be better, right? so far so good. nothing too earth shattering to report yet. today is january 5th - i still have a job (barely) i've started looking a little harder for a new one. again, i need a job, not a career. i need a healthy boundary and balance between work and life - something i do not have right now, something that has become very important to me over the past 2 years of career changes, family deaths, relationship changes and financial woes. how to convince an employer that i am satisfied with the simplicity of a receptionist job because it is what i need - i am not interested in climbing a ladder or taking anyone else's job. please, just let me answer phones.
that's one goal for the year.
another is to get my cat(s) back. i think i have a limited amount of time. and i don't know how much time i have. you see, the cats are with the x, because my alpha male edgg'r pee'd on the dude's favortite chair when we tried to introduce him to the new living sitch and his cat last year, so we thought it best to try to bring my cat(s) - yes there are 2 - into a new home, neutral territory and all of that. my time is somewhat limited because the x will be moving into his mother's house once she passes away from terminal cancer. obviously not something anyone is looking forward to necessarily, but it will be a relief for the x, who can't seem to keep a job and has struggled his entire life to live and pay his own way. (but that's an entirely different blog all together.) the x will not only inherit his mother's house, fully paid off and scott free, he'll also inheriting her cat. he's not going to want to bring his lame ass dog and then have three cats. and i don't want him to either quite frankly. i want my cats with me. so far, two goals.
well, three...which has to happen before i get the cats...dude and i need to move into a bigger and better place. we just started looking again. there is a lot out there for rent. we face a few challenges there: first of all, my bankruptcy. second of all, his work history and current lack of employment, which he says is an easy work around, but also - his credit rating has gone to shit over the past year, and that is something that needs to be in a better place before we can do anything.
and i'm scared to use what little money i have to move us in. is that bad? it is - b/c that is using fears that were instilled by the x's bad behaviour. i should be secure and content in the fact that he will take care of me and not worry about money, right? then again, i don't think he would be happy to know i spent the little money i had on moving - even if he did promise to pay me back, right?
he's going to pay me back the $3k the i gave to him to pay off that cunt. what scares me is that since i lent him that money, i have spent close to $1k on living and xms gifts (ok, one $400 gift for myself, i am almost ashamed to say - BUT they are GORWGUSS and 40% off!!!) and i promise, and you are my witness - to pay myself back the $1k, starting with my next paycheck. now that xms is over, i can put money back in. if my calc are correct, i might be able to put $300 back in on the 15th of this month.
oh - but then again there's k-d'oh's bday in feb! shit!! i have to buy my plane ticket! crap! good thing is flights are pretty cheap....
that's one goal for the year.
another is to get my cat(s) back. i think i have a limited amount of time. and i don't know how much time i have. you see, the cats are with the x, because my alpha male edgg'r pee'd on the dude's favortite chair when we tried to introduce him to the new living sitch and his cat last year, so we thought it best to try to bring my cat(s) - yes there are 2 - into a new home, neutral territory and all of that. my time is somewhat limited because the x will be moving into his mother's house once she passes away from terminal cancer. obviously not something anyone is looking forward to necessarily, but it will be a relief for the x, who can't seem to keep a job and has struggled his entire life to live and pay his own way. (but that's an entirely different blog all together.) the x will not only inherit his mother's house, fully paid off and scott free, he'll also inheriting her cat. he's not going to want to bring his lame ass dog and then have three cats. and i don't want him to either quite frankly. i want my cats with me. so far, two goals.
well, three...which has to happen before i get the cats...dude and i need to move into a bigger and better place. we just started looking again. there is a lot out there for rent. we face a few challenges there: first of all, my bankruptcy. second of all, his work history and current lack of employment, which he says is an easy work around, but also - his credit rating has gone to shit over the past year, and that is something that needs to be in a better place before we can do anything.
and i'm scared to use what little money i have to move us in. is that bad? it is - b/c that is using fears that were instilled by the x's bad behaviour. i should be secure and content in the fact that he will take care of me and not worry about money, right? then again, i don't think he would be happy to know i spent the little money i had on moving - even if he did promise to pay me back, right?
he's going to pay me back the $3k the i gave to him to pay off that cunt. what scares me is that since i lent him that money, i have spent close to $1k on living and xms gifts (ok, one $400 gift for myself, i am almost ashamed to say - BUT they are GORWGUSS and 40% off!!!) and i promise, and you are my witness - to pay myself back the $1k, starting with my next paycheck. now that xms is over, i can put money back in. if my calc are correct, i might be able to put $300 back in on the 15th of this month.
oh - but then again there's k-d'oh's bday in feb! shit!! i have to buy my plane ticket! crap! good thing is flights are pretty cheap....
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