Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The Inauguration of Barack Obama
i'm sure everybody and their grandmother is posting on their blog about this day in history. here i am screaming along with the masses - with pride and joy and hope. and of course, complete cynisism. unfortunately, i don't share the same faith in the human race that many others do. at the very least, i can look forward to being pleasantly surprised at the successes of our new wonderful president.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Dreams about my mom
sometimes the dreams are less about my mom, and more about her just being there and a part of my life in the dream.
saturday i dreamed that it was my birthday, and both her and my sister were there to help out with a party that i was trying to have.
i sent out an email or something like that for a party that was to start after work, however, i did not mention that in the invitation and people started showing up as i was getting ready for work that day. people, of couse, that i don't know anymore, like heather from highschool, or once worked with like alan t from florida. then work was an environment much like a convention center and i was leaving telling people to start showing up at my house for the party at 7p or so.
saturday i dreamed that it was my birthday, and both her and my sister were there to help out with a party that i was trying to have.
i sent out an email or something like that for a party that was to start after work, however, i did not mention that in the invitation and people started showing up as i was getting ready for work that day. people, of couse, that i don't know anymore, like heather from highschool, or once worked with like alan t from florida. then work was an environment much like a convention center and i was leaving telling people to start showing up at my house for the party at 7p or so.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Dreams of My Mother
so, ever since my mom died, she is in my dreams. almost every night. i'm going to do my best to document them, when i can remember them, as best i can. i am beginning to realise that some of these dreams are telling me that i didn't celebrate enough of my mother's life. i should have been more kind to her and celebrated her more. i will try to do that through this blog.
last nite, i don't think she was there. but i was sleeping with prince xanax last nite, so that may have impeeded my nocturnal visions.
the night before, she was. it was her birthday. and when she woke up in the morning she was mad that no one had done anything for her.
about a week or 10 days ago, i dreamed that she was in bed with us. she was visiting and it was 1/2 my house with the x and half my house with dude. she was in my bed and i told her to get out, that she had to sleep on the couch, i can't remember if there was someone else on the couch, or someone on the floor next to the bed...but i told her, it's ok mom, you can sleep in here, really, it's ok. then she came into bed with me and dude and i was in the middle -i remember being very warm and comfortable. when i started to wake up, i realized the i was in between the dude and the cat - very warm, indeed.
last nite, i don't think she was there. but i was sleeping with prince xanax last nite, so that may have impeeded my nocturnal visions.
the night before, she was. it was her birthday. and when she woke up in the morning she was mad that no one had done anything for her.
about a week or 10 days ago, i dreamed that she was in bed with us. she was visiting and it was 1/2 my house with the x and half my house with dude. she was in my bed and i told her to get out, that she had to sleep on the couch, i can't remember if there was someone else on the couch, or someone on the floor next to the bed...but i told her, it's ok mom, you can sleep in here, really, it's ok. then she came into bed with me and dude and i was in the middle -i remember being very warm and comfortable. when i started to wake up, i realized the i was in between the dude and the cat - very warm, indeed.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Sad Today
i dreamed that i had a friend - a girl, that i really liked and wanted to be close to. part of the dream was that the dude and i had to pretend we weren't together because his x was there with her new girlfriend. the funny part was that i was cuddling with the dude in bed while i was having this dream, and had my arms around the girl in the dream, too.
i cna find some meaning in this dream:
i don't have a close girlfriend here. my closest friends are in minneapolis and atlanta and i feel that missing in my life.
i'm not sure where the dude's x comes in - i certainly feel inadequate to her. she is stunningly beautiful. but their relationship was a farce to be quite honest. long distance, on again off again, bad sex, but good support from her end, professionally and emotionally. she knew how to "deal" with him and his moods. and god, just drop dead gorgeous. people would look at him and go "dude, HOW?" that doesn't happen with me.
then i got an email from MY x. he's such a douche. he's acutally a by the book narcissist. seriously - steps 1-9 in wikipedia. it's unsettling. esepcially unsettling to think of how long i was with him. he's 44 years old and will never ever get help for it. it makes me sad that i dealt with that for so long, it makes me sad that everyone in his life is impacted by his behavior, it makes me sad that his life will always be tortured. he thinks he is at least equal to those around him, and the longer and farther i am away from him, sadly, the more clearly i see his dysfunctions and limitations.
for so long, i thought it had so much to do with me.
i cna find some meaning in this dream:
i don't have a close girlfriend here. my closest friends are in minneapolis and atlanta and i feel that missing in my life.
i'm not sure where the dude's x comes in - i certainly feel inadequate to her. she is stunningly beautiful. but their relationship was a farce to be quite honest. long distance, on again off again, bad sex, but good support from her end, professionally and emotionally. she knew how to "deal" with him and his moods. and god, just drop dead gorgeous. people would look at him and go "dude, HOW?" that doesn't happen with me.
then i got an email from MY x. he's such a douche. he's acutally a by the book narcissist. seriously - steps 1-9 in wikipedia. it's unsettling. esepcially unsettling to think of how long i was with him. he's 44 years old and will never ever get help for it. it makes me sad that i dealt with that for so long, it makes me sad that everyone in his life is impacted by his behavior, it makes me sad that his life will always be tortured. he thinks he is at least equal to those around him, and the longer and farther i am away from him, sadly, the more clearly i see his dysfunctions and limitations.
for so long, i thought it had so much to do with me.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
trash and recycling
add to my long list of pet peeves. the people who rummage through my garbage for recyclable materials. the rummaging at the streetside irks me enough as it is, but it's at the curb, it's definitely going, so have at it, if you must. but the incessant trolling up and down the streets with the gross-ery carts, (the ones that all have printed on them that it's unlawful to remove them from parking lots? yeah, those) is irritating.
it is also unlawful to come up on my property to dig through my recycle bin and garbage. and it pisses me off.
so tuesday - as i'm leaving the house for work, dude had already left, so i was obviously leaving the house empty - there's a fucking guy - not going through my recycle bin, but my garbage bin. what the fuck.
"excuse me" i say. nothing
"EXCUSE ME?"
"WHAT" like i was fucking interrupting him or bothering him.
"you're not allowed to be doing that."
he shoots me a nasty look - whistles or chirps to his vatos with the carts accross the street and goes storming off.
really? the fucking nerve. and more than likely - an illegal.
asshole.
so i moved the bins into the garage & left for work.
you know, say what you will - it's my garbage, i don't want it anymore, they need the money, i know, i know, i know. but they don't need to be going through my regular garbage - and what the fuck it - i just don't fucking like it. as with many things - it's not their RIGHT to have and go through my garbage! and certainly don't give me a fucking attitude when i ask you to stop.
so we're putting the garbage bins behind the gate in the backyard. see if that deters them from rummaging. let them fight the recycle truck on trash day.
and if that doesn't work - if someone actuallly has the nerve to open a gate and enter the property to get to my trash - well, that will be a sad day for my little brown friends.
and you know what else? i've seen them park their escalades in front of my house to set out on their journey to collect other peoples garbage. here's a thought: get rid of the fucking escalade, hommie. you'll have more money and won't have to dig into other people's shit. 'th fuck are you looking for anyway? y'know that's how people get their IDs and prescritions stolen. not that i throw any of that stuff in the trash - but still - shit that has my first and last name on it is enough to make some shit happen. kinda paranoid, i guess.
whatevs.
it is also unlawful to come up on my property to dig through my recycle bin and garbage. and it pisses me off.
so tuesday - as i'm leaving the house for work, dude had already left, so i was obviously leaving the house empty - there's a fucking guy - not going through my recycle bin, but my garbage bin. what the fuck.
"excuse me" i say. nothing
"EXCUSE ME?"
"WHAT" like i was fucking interrupting him or bothering him.
"you're not allowed to be doing that."
he shoots me a nasty look - whistles or chirps to his vatos with the carts accross the street and goes storming off.
really? the fucking nerve. and more than likely - an illegal.
asshole.
so i moved the bins into the garage & left for work.
you know, say what you will - it's my garbage, i don't want it anymore, they need the money, i know, i know, i know. but they don't need to be going through my regular garbage - and what the fuck it - i just don't fucking like it. as with many things - it's not their RIGHT to have and go through my garbage! and certainly don't give me a fucking attitude when i ask you to stop.
so we're putting the garbage bins behind the gate in the backyard. see if that deters them from rummaging. let them fight the recycle truck on trash day.
and if that doesn't work - if someone actuallly has the nerve to open a gate and enter the property to get to my trash - well, that will be a sad day for my little brown friends.
and you know what else? i've seen them park their escalades in front of my house to set out on their journey to collect other peoples garbage. here's a thought: get rid of the fucking escalade, hommie. you'll have more money and won't have to dig into other people's shit. 'th fuck are you looking for anyway? y'know that's how people get their IDs and prescritions stolen. not that i throw any of that stuff in the trash - but still - shit that has my first and last name on it is enough to make some shit happen. kinda paranoid, i guess.
whatevs.
Monday, January 5, 2009
happy new year 2009
so here we are - another new year. it's 2009 and i find myself saying (again) THIS is going to be a good year. it's GOT to be better, right? so far so good. nothing too earth shattering to report yet. today is january 5th - i still have a job (barely) i've started looking a little harder for a new one. again, i need a job, not a career. i need a healthy boundary and balance between work and life - something i do not have right now, something that has become very important to me over the past 2 years of career changes, family deaths, relationship changes and financial woes. how to convince an employer that i am satisfied with the simplicity of a receptionist job because it is what i need - i am not interested in climbing a ladder or taking anyone else's job. please, just let me answer phones.
that's one goal for the year.
another is to get my cat(s) back. i think i have a limited amount of time. and i don't know how much time i have. you see, the cats are with the x, because my alpha male edgg'r pee'd on the dude's favortite chair when we tried to introduce him to the new living sitch and his cat last year, so we thought it best to try to bring my cat(s) - yes there are 2 - into a new home, neutral territory and all of that. my time is somewhat limited because the x will be moving into his mother's house once she passes away from terminal cancer. obviously not something anyone is looking forward to necessarily, but it will be a relief for the x, who can't seem to keep a job and has struggled his entire life to live and pay his own way. (but that's an entirely different blog all together.) the x will not only inherit his mother's house, fully paid off and scott free, he'll also inheriting her cat. he's not going to want to bring his lame ass dog and then have three cats. and i don't want him to either quite frankly. i want my cats with me. so far, two goals.
well, three...which has to happen before i get the cats...dude and i need to move into a bigger and better place. we just started looking again. there is a lot out there for rent. we face a few challenges there: first of all, my bankruptcy. second of all, his work history and current lack of employment, which he says is an easy work around, but also - his credit rating has gone to shit over the past year, and that is something that needs to be in a better place before we can do anything.
and i'm scared to use what little money i have to move us in. is that bad? it is - b/c that is using fears that were instilled by the x's bad behaviour. i should be secure and content in the fact that he will take care of me and not worry about money, right? then again, i don't think he would be happy to know i spent the little money i had on moving - even if he did promise to pay me back, right?
he's going to pay me back the $3k the i gave to him to pay off that cunt. what scares me is that since i lent him that money, i have spent close to $1k on living and xms gifts (ok, one $400 gift for myself, i am almost ashamed to say - BUT they are GORWGUSS and 40% off!!!) and i promise, and you are my witness - to pay myself back the $1k, starting with my next paycheck. now that xms is over, i can put money back in. if my calc are correct, i might be able to put $300 back in on the 15th of this month.
oh - but then again there's k-d'oh's bday in feb! shit!! i have to buy my plane ticket! crap! good thing is flights are pretty cheap....
that's one goal for the year.
another is to get my cat(s) back. i think i have a limited amount of time. and i don't know how much time i have. you see, the cats are with the x, because my alpha male edgg'r pee'd on the dude's favortite chair when we tried to introduce him to the new living sitch and his cat last year, so we thought it best to try to bring my cat(s) - yes there are 2 - into a new home, neutral territory and all of that. my time is somewhat limited because the x will be moving into his mother's house once she passes away from terminal cancer. obviously not something anyone is looking forward to necessarily, but it will be a relief for the x, who can't seem to keep a job and has struggled his entire life to live and pay his own way. (but that's an entirely different blog all together.) the x will not only inherit his mother's house, fully paid off and scott free, he'll also inheriting her cat. he's not going to want to bring his lame ass dog and then have three cats. and i don't want him to either quite frankly. i want my cats with me. so far, two goals.
well, three...which has to happen before i get the cats...dude and i need to move into a bigger and better place. we just started looking again. there is a lot out there for rent. we face a few challenges there: first of all, my bankruptcy. second of all, his work history and current lack of employment, which he says is an easy work around, but also - his credit rating has gone to shit over the past year, and that is something that needs to be in a better place before we can do anything.
and i'm scared to use what little money i have to move us in. is that bad? it is - b/c that is using fears that were instilled by the x's bad behaviour. i should be secure and content in the fact that he will take care of me and not worry about money, right? then again, i don't think he would be happy to know i spent the little money i had on moving - even if he did promise to pay me back, right?
he's going to pay me back the $3k the i gave to him to pay off that cunt. what scares me is that since i lent him that money, i have spent close to $1k on living and xms gifts (ok, one $400 gift for myself, i am almost ashamed to say - BUT they are GORWGUSS and 40% off!!!) and i promise, and you are my witness - to pay myself back the $1k, starting with my next paycheck. now that xms is over, i can put money back in. if my calc are correct, i might be able to put $300 back in on the 15th of this month.
oh - but then again there's k-d'oh's bday in feb! shit!! i have to buy my plane ticket! crap! good thing is flights are pretty cheap....
Friday, December 19, 2008
again with myspace
so the x reads a blog survey i posted and puts 2&2 together and figures out that i've been with the dude longer that he's been made aware of. which we all know is true, but not the point. so what does he do? he goes running to the dude, like a little fucking girl - questioning him. how long have you been together? what's really going on between you and for how long & all this crap. so dude call me - tears me a new asshole because he's told me time and time again that he doesn't want to have anything to do with my space and how many times does he have to tell me/ask me not to put up anything that has to do with him online.
well fer crying out loud! it was just a mindless-stupid-waste-of-time-survey! and i was sorry. but the more i thought about it - the more pissed off i got at the x for running to dude the way he did and questioning him.
a little backstory:
over the weekend - the x sent a message saying he thought it was 'funny' that my profile was offered to him as a potential friend or person he might know. (a new annoying myspace feature that i can't figure out how to turn off.) i didn't respond. until all this happened.
back to this story:
after dude gave me such a hard time, i went on my profile, which i can't delete b/c i can't get into the old email account i set it up with and deleted all my friends, posted that i was done w myspace and everybody who wanted to reach me could email me. (haven't heard a word from anyone since, so no one cared anyway)i also responded to the x, and told him in so many words, that i deleted him as a friend b/c he couldn't mind his own business.
dude didn't want to have anything to do with me that evening - so i was able to sit at home and stew. the x sent a text telling me he wrote me an email, which most certainly meant that it was an 18 page diatribe, denying any responsibility of any wrongdoing to me or mine. and actually tried to tell ME to mind MY OWN business b/c this was something between him and the dude, who the x likes to consider his "best friend" - a sentiment not reciprocated by the dude, just something the x arbitrarilty decided about their friendship. i basically told him to stay out of my business and to fuck off. and that i'd read the message the next day. i read it that nite - slept on in and crafted my response.
granted - i should not have posted anything that had anything to do with the dude. admittedly wrong - done. but it is in no way shpe or form any business of the x to run to the dude and question him on something i wrote on MY space - (not your space, not his space, MY space - that's why they call it my space) therefore, this is not an issue to be taken up between the x and the dude, if anything it should be taken up between the x and ME.
and he's such a pussy
his response to addressing the matter to the source (that would be me) "to keep you (me) from feeling embarassed or persecuted"
bullshit
his sole intention was to make sure that the dude was still his friend. he was/is threatened by my relationship with the dude compared to his (as he always was).
now - the x only went as far back as march - his math skills aren't all that good and he only read the survey question that asked how my love life was in march, to which i responded: fine. (if i remember correctly, nothing more) which - by no uncertain terms, the x and i were definitively BROKEN UP in march, which still makes it none of his business to know exactly what was meant by the reference of my love life as "fine". this is where he tried to question the dude, and corner him. dude, obviously had not read my survey/blog post on my space, so he had no earthly idea what the x was talking about. told him so, and apparently, also told him to stop trolling around and mind his own fucking business.
awesome
more backstory:
see this was the 2nd time in less than a week that the x pissed off the dude by not minding his own business. the x called dude on saturday to see what he was doing - not only did we have plans for a party, but he needed to visit a friend that needed to talk. no details given really, none that i care to disclose here, it doesn't matter anyway - but dude said to x "don't say anything, he just having some issues vague upon vague in relation to a specific "bleh".
well, the x SENDS AND EMAIL to dude's friend - saying, hey man, i heard you were having trouble this that and the other, sorry to hear, hope everything is ok, blah blah blah.
friend calls dude, going what the fuck, dude? the x is not even a friend, he is merely an acquaintance AT BEST! dude was pissed! called the x, what the fuck man! the x falls all over himself apologizing;
x: i feel like such a douchebag
dude: you should
x: i'm sorry
dude: you should be
then this who my space thing happens and dude was about ready to walk up to the x's front door & punch him in the face.
which would be awesome. by the way - someone, somewhere, really needs to punch that guy in the mouth for being such a douche!
the x has this thing for the dude. i like to call it a fetish. and the x, since pretty close to day one - has been all over dude. calls him, leaves a message, calls his cell, leaves a message. calls again. calls 2x in a row, calls 3x in a row - totally chronic! y'know!
and this is what he did when he read my bulletin the other day. called dude like 10x in a row! incessantly! dude was on his way to something important, what is your damage, what is so fuckign important? the x - oh, sorry man, call me when you're done, no big deal. dude is like, no, fucking tell me now, it was so important for you to call me incessantly.
in my letter to the x, b/c i KNOW this is the way it went down, because this is his M.O. i told him he ruined dude's important thing by calling incessantly. the x responds: it wasn't incessant, like you said - it was only like 3x, you know how dude can not call you back for a while...
YEAH - LIKE WHEN HE'S BUSY! calm the fuck down, son, he'll call you when he can and when he wants to!
the x did not like that.
he tried to attack me and tell me that he just wanted to be a good person and all this that and the other and how he wants me/us to be happy and all - to which i responded - we don't need your fucking permission.
i wasn't having it. good person or not - bad judgement to take issue with dude over something that had nothing to do with the x and the dude.
i haven't heard a peep from him since.
silence is often the best response.
well fer crying out loud! it was just a mindless-stupid-waste-of-time-survey! and i was sorry. but the more i thought about it - the more pissed off i got at the x for running to dude the way he did and questioning him.
a little backstory:
over the weekend - the x sent a message saying he thought it was 'funny' that my profile was offered to him as a potential friend or person he might know. (a new annoying myspace feature that i can't figure out how to turn off.) i didn't respond. until all this happened.
back to this story:
after dude gave me such a hard time, i went on my profile, which i can't delete b/c i can't get into the old email account i set it up with and deleted all my friends, posted that i was done w myspace and everybody who wanted to reach me could email me. (haven't heard a word from anyone since, so no one cared anyway)i also responded to the x, and told him in so many words, that i deleted him as a friend b/c he couldn't mind his own business.
dude didn't want to have anything to do with me that evening - so i was able to sit at home and stew. the x sent a text telling me he wrote me an email, which most certainly meant that it was an 18 page diatribe, denying any responsibility of any wrongdoing to me or mine. and actually tried to tell ME to mind MY OWN business b/c this was something between him and the dude, who the x likes to consider his "best friend" - a sentiment not reciprocated by the dude, just something the x arbitrarilty decided about their friendship. i basically told him to stay out of my business and to fuck off. and that i'd read the message the next day. i read it that nite - slept on in and crafted my response.
granted - i should not have posted anything that had anything to do with the dude. admittedly wrong - done. but it is in no way shpe or form any business of the x to run to the dude and question him on something i wrote on MY space - (not your space, not his space, MY space - that's why they call it my space) therefore, this is not an issue to be taken up between the x and the dude, if anything it should be taken up between the x and ME.
and he's such a pussy
his response to addressing the matter to the source (that would be me) "to keep you (me) from feeling embarassed or persecuted"
bullshit
his sole intention was to make sure that the dude was still his friend. he was/is threatened by my relationship with the dude compared to his (as he always was).
now - the x only went as far back as march - his math skills aren't all that good and he only read the survey question that asked how my love life was in march, to which i responded: fine. (if i remember correctly, nothing more) which - by no uncertain terms, the x and i were definitively BROKEN UP in march, which still makes it none of his business to know exactly what was meant by the reference of my love life as "fine". this is where he tried to question the dude, and corner him. dude, obviously had not read my survey/blog post on my space, so he had no earthly idea what the x was talking about. told him so, and apparently, also told him to stop trolling around and mind his own fucking business.
awesome
more backstory:
see this was the 2nd time in less than a week that the x pissed off the dude by not minding his own business. the x called dude on saturday to see what he was doing - not only did we have plans for a party, but he needed to visit a friend that needed to talk. no details given really, none that i care to disclose here, it doesn't matter anyway - but dude said to x "don't say anything, he just having some issues vague upon vague in relation to a specific "bleh".
well, the x SENDS AND EMAIL to dude's friend - saying, hey man, i heard you were having trouble this that and the other, sorry to hear, hope everything is ok, blah blah blah.
friend calls dude, going what the fuck, dude? the x is not even a friend, he is merely an acquaintance AT BEST! dude was pissed! called the x, what the fuck man! the x falls all over himself apologizing;
x: i feel like such a douchebag
dude: you should
x: i'm sorry
dude: you should be
then this who my space thing happens and dude was about ready to walk up to the x's front door & punch him in the face.
which would be awesome. by the way - someone, somewhere, really needs to punch that guy in the mouth for being such a douche!
the x has this thing for the dude. i like to call it a fetish. and the x, since pretty close to day one - has been all over dude. calls him, leaves a message, calls his cell, leaves a message. calls again. calls 2x in a row, calls 3x in a row - totally chronic! y'know!
and this is what he did when he read my bulletin the other day. called dude like 10x in a row! incessantly! dude was on his way to something important, what is your damage, what is so fuckign important? the x - oh, sorry man, call me when you're done, no big deal. dude is like, no, fucking tell me now, it was so important for you to call me incessantly.
in my letter to the x, b/c i KNOW this is the way it went down, because this is his M.O. i told him he ruined dude's important thing by calling incessantly. the x responds: it wasn't incessant, like you said - it was only like 3x, you know how dude can not call you back for a while...
YEAH - LIKE WHEN HE'S BUSY! calm the fuck down, son, he'll call you when he can and when he wants to!
the x did not like that.
he tried to attack me and tell me that he just wanted to be a good person and all this that and the other and how he wants me/us to be happy and all - to which i responded - we don't need your fucking permission.
i wasn't having it. good person or not - bad judgement to take issue with dude over something that had nothing to do with the x and the dude.
i haven't heard a peep from him since.
silence is often the best response.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
