death & taxes & the x (a long one)

as you may or may not know - the end of a 10 year relationship with the x (a narccissist) included me filing for personal bankruptcy. the BK dicharged in feb 09.
in 2006 when i changed jobs/careers, my bi-monthly payroll schedule did not jive with my financial commitments for rent and other living expenses. the x was not working (he rarely did) so the household finances were my responsibility. i had a 401k with my previous employer, so i withdrew that money, put enough aside to meet the hit i would take on taxes and floated us until the payroll from the new job came in.

the x, still never worked. 4 months in to the new job, the employer decides that i am not an good fit, and laid me off. this was december of 06. had i stayed with that job, i would have been making a fairly decent amount of money. i had just finished my christmas shopping, still had the tax money in the bank + a little more, and felt pretty good about everything, even considering the x wasn't working. so here it is, december, no work, and several weeks of fighting for unemployment...several weeks go by, christmas, new year's, still fighting for unemployment, the x still doing fucking nothing.
so, i had to use the money i had set aside to pay off the tax hit from the w/d of my 401k to live. that was february 2007. that's when i knew it had to end. i was done with him, and didn't know how to end it. i was scared, i was trapped, i did't have a job, no $$ and certainly nowhere to go. april 07 i start a shitty job, for very little money. suffice it to say, the x probably wasn't working. i had to go to my mom for money most of the time. i tell him again i want to break up, i can't do it anymore.
may 2007, a few days after my father's bday, my sister calls me at work to tell me my dad had died. my fatehr and i had been estranged for sometime, so it really didn't phase me, still hasn't really. but i went home from the shitty job anyway, took the rest of the day off. here's where the timeline gets a little fuzzy....i think within 2 weeks my mother tells us she has lung cancer. she says all this time they have been treating her for bronchitus and pneumonia - they finally diagnosed her with cancer. she says she will undergo chemotherapy, and avoids the "how long do you have" question/answer.
i file for an extention on the '06 taxes, because i know i'm going to owe - and i did, made payment arrangements & all. late november of 07, i secure a BK lawyer. i had gone to collections on all my credit cards, mostly in part due to the fact that i had to support a household on my income and food, power, and rent come before credit card bills. when you secure a BK lawyer, all collections stop - even collections like for me, my taxes and car payment, that i was making regularly. (with the help of my mom from time to time)
july 2008 my mom dies, and i use the very small amount of money she left me to pay off the BK lawyer and proceed with filing. it dischared in feb '09. i file an extention again for my '08 taxes and i think in march or april recieved a notice that now that my BK has discharged CA wants their money.
august of 09, the x's mom dies of cancer. she leaves him and his brother her house, which was paid in full, car, and from what i gather, a substanical amount of money between the 2 of them. granted, the brother got the house, b/c he is the responsible one and the x is allowed to live there, and only has to help out with the property taxes every year. the brother and his wife have accepted the fact that the x will never be able to take care of himself like an adult.
i got confused because i thought my 2007 tax return credit, covered my 2006 taxes owed. i also thought i had paid my 2006 taxes off, but could not find the cancelled check anywhere. i sent the information into the tax accountant - it was april - he was kinda busy (obviously). i didn't hear back, got a few more notices. when i finally got my taxes done, tax guy told me i had to pay it, so i did. check cleared, thank you drive thru please.
THEN - my employer recieves notification that CA tax board wants to garnish my wages!! i spent the better part of te morning trying to get thru to the franchise tax board, and much like my experiences with EDD - too many calls & they hang up on you! it's amazing. unemployment is something like 12% in CA, and they don't have anough people to answer phones or can't have a system that adequately puts calls in a line. long story shot (i know, too late) i have to pay the interest and late fee's on top of what i already paid. fuckers. whatever, they remove the garnish from my wages, i make arrangments to pay the balance in full, just to get it behind me.
so here's the rub.
for 10 years, i fucking supported this asshole. gave him all the time and support he needed to figure out what he wanted to do - with his music career and life - want to write music to make money - do it, great. paid bills, bought him gear, i just wanted him to pay his 1/2. he never, hardly ever did. my mom paid out thousands of dollars to help support us when he wouldn't go to his family, or if he did - they wouldn't help or insisted that he actually do work aroudn thewir house to get $$ from them. my mom never questioned - just helped as she could.
now that the x has money - goddammit - he should pay me back!! at least put forth a gentlemanly EFFORT! he fucking got the house that i took a loan out for my 401k to rent, the furniture that i paid more than 1/2 of, TV that was a gift from my mom, fridge, microwave (another gift from mom, washer and dryer that was mine!!! then when he moved out of that house and into his mother's - he took ALL of that stuff and put it in storage!!
isn't it only FAIR that he make an effort to give me something? i mean, i have spreadsheets the i used to budget our bills that show how little he gave me at any given time. i can calculate an approximate of what he owes me. shouldn't i be entitled to at least a portion of that?
i have to write him a letter (as he has done several times) or perhaps approach his brother and sister-in-law as mediators. i don't know. this is going to be tough. you can't negotiate with crazy.

that's my rant for today. sorry it was a long one...

processing anger

i have so much pent up anger for the (most recent) x. (the one that's still alive) i feel like it's holding me back. everytime i go to my storage unit to look for something, only to find it's not there - i'm reminded of the the things he has taken from me. i am reminded that my life has been reduced to a 5x10 space, 1/2 a closet, and boxes in a garage. true, EVERYTHING about my life is better without the x - but there are things that eat away at me. he has a home, fully paid for. his mother left him money. he has a whole house full of furniture, and brand new appliances plus THREE storage units filled with the same. furniture that i paid for. appliances that were mine, even a microwave that was a birthday gift from my mother, a television that was a christmas gift. let alone the thousands of dollars he owes me. he'll never be man enough to stop and think - i should at least make a gesture and give me something towards what he owes me. and that makes me angry! dude says i seem to want to make the x pay - to teach him a lesson, to have everyone know what a loser he is and walk away from him. sometimes that's true. sometimes i just feel bad for him. i would like it if he woke up one day and realized something - anything - about our relationship. i want him to accept responsibility for its demise, as i have. i know i could have communicated more - if only he made me feel safe enough to do so. i was as patient as anyone could ever be - he had all the time and freedom in the world to figure out what he wanted to do. when i needed him to do for me - he did not. that's when my patience ran out. that's when i had to check out. and i am happier now, i have found the man of my dreams and he satisfies me completely.
i should get help - find someone to talk to who can give me professional advice and the right tools to process this anger. i know by simply acknowledging the problem i'm having is the right step in the right direction to getting "better' about it. i think i need a few more tools - to get me to a better place. so i don't think of what i've lost anymore - because i know i've gained so much. i guess it's the little things that always get to me.

things i need to get through

i think if things at nite - when i am struggling to go to sleep. i don't like to really talk to anyone about them, because i am working on getting over them and living my happy life with my love. sometimes the things the x has said to me come creeping back and start rotting my brain. as we know, everyone says awful things while in the midst of a break up. one of the many awful things the x said was regarding the gifts i had given him over the years, or the lack thereof. he brought up how he would shower me with birthday or christmas presents when he could (the few time he was working) because he couldn't pull his weight throughout the rest of the year and help pay his 1/2 of the bills. and how once, perhaps more than once (i am happy to no longer remember) that i did not get him a gift for his birthday and felt bad. i did however, end up spending hundreds of dollars to set up a birthday party at the house. we went to las vegas for valentine's day one year, on my dime, we went to coachella 6 years in a row, the tix were free but the food, hotel, gas, drugs - paid for by me. we went to santa barbra, san diego, san francisco, las vegas for new years - all paid for by me, because i was the only one ever working all of the time. we always had food, cable, phone, clothes, air conditioning, music, concerts, movies, dinners, we did almost anything and everything he wanted to do. i want this SHIT to be out of my head! i want to stop feeling like i was not good to him. how dare he!

a friend of the x, who used to be friends with "us" wants to reconnect with me. there was quite a bit of drama during the break up. this friend, and his then fiance, now wife, ended up casualties of the break up. he was a good friend for a while, he went to praque to work on prince caspian for 6 months and she and i became very close. she was wonderful and supportive through my sick family, the x being a loser, my growing fondness for the dude and somewhat erratic behavour overall. she was kind and permissive, saying that i was going to do strange and irrational things and people were just going to have to deal with it. hardly a day goes by that i don't miss her friendship. she was becoming the friend that i have been longing for.
when he returned from prague, he thought it would be ok to pick up where we left off when i was ok with the x - but not ok with my growing friendship with her. (we would sneak a kiss every now and then, when no one was looking) when i told the dude about it, he explained to me how many different ways it was wrong and a betrayal to her and to him. i felt guilty and ashamed, how irresponsible, disrespectful and immature of us to behave in such a way.
then the friend had a birthday party that i just couldn’t attend. the x was being particularly horrifying, threatening to throw my belongings on the lawn if i didn’t pay my ½ of the rent. knowing that he would be at the party, i thought it best to call and say that i regretfully could not attend. it was at that point that i found out that i was not even invited, along with 3 other people who the x was having problems with at the time. we were not invited because he didn’t want any drama. and it didn’t occur to me at the time, only after the fact how shitty that was. i mean, i know everyone eventually chooses sides, but can’t you leave it up to those involved to act like adults and not cause drama at the your birthday party? i was hurt and offended. Being the non-confrontational type, i just let it go. i moved all of my belongings out of the house in one day and left, went away from everyone. there was gossip that i was a coke whore, no one knew where i was staying and no one cared or called. over a year goes by, i haven’t spoken to either of them. i saw them at a party before christmas and they were both so high, they couldn’t even speak. i thought that was kinda gross, to be honest. i mean, i've spend many a party with them, very high, and i guess i shouldn’t have been so judgmental over it, she hugged me and fell on my as she said “we need to talk” i said i know we do, just not here and now. she never called. he never called. he could barely focus enough say hello. and now the dude finds himself working with him.

a week & 1/2 goes by & he tells dude he wants to "talk". they talk & all is ok. they agree that they can be friends, we can all be friends, but dude will not put up with any bullshit. dude called him on our little thing, said how the x has such a negative influence over all and he's not having it. also told him that i am heartbroken & upset about fucking up my relationship with her. and how conflicted i am over the whole thing.
so he wants to talk to me - catch up, clear the air and such. i want and need her friendship so badly. but i really don't know how to face her. i guess we have to figure it out. for all i know, he may have told her and she either didn't care, doesn't care, or is willing to not care as long as it never happens again, and it will never happen again. it's not that important to me at all, and i certainly hope it's not that important to him. it was cute and fun when i was with the x. we are different now, i am different now, it's not cute and fun anymore. that would be great, but too good to be true, huh? what's more likely to happen is that this is something that we three, dude, him & me will always have to keep to ourselves and feel guilty about.
this can open up a can of worms with some of the other x friends. some that i should have not stopped talking to, but i did because of the dude. because we were carrying on for as long as we have and no one knew, i needed to stay clear of most people. honestly it was none of their business. i have this weird obligation or guilt complex. i feel compelled to explain the why and when of everything. i guess this could be a first of many steps back into the world.

again with myspace

so the x reads a blog survey i posted and puts 2&2 together and figures out that i've been with the dude longer that he's been made aware of. which we all know is true, but not the point. so what does he do? he goes running to the dude, like a little fucking girl - questioning him. how long have you been together? what's really going on between you and for how long & all this crap. so dude call me - tears me a new asshole because he's told me time and time again that he doesn't want to have anything to do with my space and how many times does he have to tell me/ask me not to put up anything that has to do with him online.
well fer crying out loud! it was just a mindless-stupid-waste-of-time-survey! and i was sorry. but the more i thought about it - the more pissed off i got at the x for running to dude the way he did and questioning him.
a little backstory:
over the weekend - the x sent a message saying he thought it was 'funny' that my profile was offered to him as a potential friend or person he might know. (a new annoying myspace feature that i can't figure out how to turn off.) i didn't respond. until all this happened.
back to this story:
after dude gave me such a hard time, i went on my profile, which i can't delete b/c i can't get into the old email account i set it up with and deleted all my friends, posted that i was done w myspace and everybody who wanted to reach me could email me. (haven't heard a word from anyone since, so no one cared anyway)i also responded to the x, and told him in so many words, that i deleted him as a friend b/c he couldn't mind his own business.
dude didn't want to have anything to do with me that evening - so i was able to sit at home and stew. the x sent a text telling me he wrote me an email, which most certainly meant that it was an 18 page diatribe, denying any responsibility of any wrongdoing to me or mine. and actually tried to tell ME to mind MY OWN business b/c this was something between him and the dude, who the x likes to consider his "best friend" - a sentiment not reciprocated by the dude, just something the x arbitrarilty decided about their friendship. i basically told him to stay out of my business and to fuck off. and that i'd read the message the next day. i read it that nite - slept on in and crafted my response.
granted - i should not have posted anything that had anything to do with the dude. admittedly wrong - done. but it is in no way shpe or form any business of the x to run to the dude and question him on something i wrote on MY space - (not your space, not his space, MY space - that's why they call it my space) therefore, this is not an issue to be taken up between the x and the dude, if anything it should be taken up between the x and ME.
and he's such a pussy
his response to addressing the matter to the source (that would be me) "to keep you (me) from feeling embarassed or persecuted"
bullshit
his sole intention was to make sure that the dude was still his friend. he was/is threatened by my relationship with the dude compared to his (as he always was).
now - the x only went as far back as march - his math skills aren't all that good and he only read the survey question that asked how my love life was in march, to which i responded: fine. (if i remember correctly, nothing more) which - by no uncertain terms, the x and i were definitively BROKEN UP in march, which still makes it none of his business to know exactly what was meant by the reference of my love life as "fine". this is where he tried to question the dude, and corner him. dude, obviously had not read my survey/blog post on my space, so he had no earthly idea what the x was talking about. told him so, and apparently, also told him to stop trolling around and mind his own fucking business.
awesome
more backstory:
see this was the 2nd time in less than a week that the x pissed off the dude by not minding his own business. the x called dude on saturday to see what he was doing - not only did we have plans for a party, but he needed to visit a friend that needed to talk. no details given really, none that i care to disclose here, it doesn't matter anyway - but dude said to x "don't say anything, he just having some issues vague upon vague in relation to a specific "bleh".
well, the x SENDS AND EMAIL to dude's friend - saying, hey man, i heard you were having trouble this that and the other, sorry to hear, hope everything is ok, blah blah blah.
friend calls dude, going what the fuck, dude? the x is not even a friend, he is merely an acquaintance AT BEST! dude was pissed! called the x, what the fuck man! the x falls all over himself apologizing;
x: i feel like such a douchebag
dude: you should
x: i'm sorry
dude: you should be
then this who my space thing happens and dude was about ready to walk up to the x's front door & punch him in the face.
which would be awesome. by the way - someone, somewhere, really needs to punch that guy in the mouth for being such a douche!
the x has this thing for the dude. i like to call it a fetish. and the x, since pretty close to day one - has been all over dude. calls him, leaves a message, calls his cell, leaves a message. calls again. calls 2x in a row, calls 3x in a row - totally chronic! y'know!
and this is what he did when he read my bulletin the other day. called dude like 10x in a row! incessantly! dude was on his way to something important, what is your damage, what is so fuckign important? the x - oh, sorry man, call me when you're done, no big deal. dude is like, no, fucking tell me now, it was so important for you to call me incessantly.
in my letter to the x, b/c i KNOW this is the way it went down, because this is his M.O. i told him he ruined dude's important thing by calling incessantly. the x responds: it wasn't incessant, like you said - it was only like 3x, you know how dude can not call you back for a while...
YEAH - LIKE WHEN HE'S BUSY! calm the fuck down, son, he'll call you when he can and when he wants to!
the x did not like that.
he tried to attack me and tell me that he just wanted to be a good person and all this that and the other and how he wants me/us to be happy and all - to which i responded - we don't need your fucking permission.
i wasn't having it. good person or not - bad judgement to take issue with dude over something that had nothing to do with the x and the dude.
i haven't heard a peep from him since.
silence is often the best response.