correspondences

so we've been going back and forth every day, at least twice a day. he's easy to write to. it's nice to have someone to "talk" to, in a way. i don't feel the desperate longing or devastation i felt when i was younger. i don't feel what i would feel when i would think of him over the years, or see his letters wrapped in satin ribbon. now that i have him in my life, thanks to the interweb, i don't feel the desperation for communication and contact. which is nice. it's just nice to have someone to communicate with - run through the thoughts and feelings in my head. i hope he doesn't think i have the same feelings for him - i hope he doesn't think i am in the same place i was all those years ago. i suppose i'll make that clear at some point.

it was him

so it's him. the penpal i'd lost so long ago. he remembers me, kind of, i think. i don't know if he's intimidated by what he remembers of me/us. he made sure to tell me he was married. but i can't tell if he was saying that just as a briefing of his life history, or if he was doing what he thought he needed to do to make himself clear on the fact that he was not available. i am in no way interested in that. i don't really know what i want from him. just to reach out and know he's there. someone i thought i knew once. someone i never really knew at all. weird. this whole internet social networking thing...weird. what does one stand to gain? i suppose at the very least, images of far away friends. i had never seen this andy before. i never knew what he looked like. his looks don't surprise me. he was shy and bookish then, he looks the part now. and that's ok. i guess it's the same reason i keep in touch with one particular friend from childhood - 3rd grade to be more precise. it's a familiarity - something human i suppose. like i said to my bff today - i'm so desperate for a true, good friend - she said she'd be terribly jealous, but she wants and hopes that i find someone. it's getting late - who needs a friend by the time they are my age? one is havign a birthday party this weekend. one that i've known for so long and i so deeply want to reconnect with, but we just can't. i don't see myself fitting into his life anymore, and he certainly sends no signals wanting me in his life in any real capacity. it's lovely that we can talk at great length, but i think he can do that with most people. my bff said a funny thing, as cynical as i like to think that i am, and as hurt as i may have been, and even with all the walls around me, if someone leans in just the slightest bit, i'm eager to let them in. that i am open-hearted. that is why she is my bff.

isms....

so i went to the endicrinologist today. i get to start taking hormones for my thyroid. i am destined for hypothyroidism, (hashimoto's disease) and i'll certainly have to take them anyway. the dr. wants me to start now, even though i am not having any real symptoms, except the nodule on my thyroid causing my thyroid to toughen up (in texture) in an effort to get rid of the thyroid. in some instances, the addition of hormones relax the nodule, and soften it, and make the nodule go away. that's what he'd like to see happen, but it's more likely that it will not, and my thyroid will deteriorate more and not produce enough of the necessary hormones to maintain my system and i will have to take meds anyway.
i met a old friend at the market a few weeks ago and mentioned that i was dealing with some thyroid issues. he's a funny little man, a health freak, raw food eater, and he told me he could talk to me for hours on how to best maintain my diet and avoid any throid problems. i think i'm going to reach out to him again. let him talk my ear off and see if any of it sinks in and helps. roger is a good guy. friend of the x, so that should piss the x off, too.

It's the Stalker in me

are you still a stalker if you've never been caught? i openly admit to using myspace primarily to keep my eye on those who must be kept, enemies from my past and frequently, to search for names and faces from my past. i think i might have found one from a distant long ago land. i had many penpals when i was younger. started later than most, i guess, around 15 or 16 and by the time i was 17 or 18 had about 20 some odd penpals across the country. i still have a stack of letters in a box, too...oddly enough. i am painfully sentimental, so i guess it's not that odd. we all used pennames. hardly ever knew each other's real names (see anonimity has always been my modus operandi). one of mine was "leather" - because i fancied myself subversive to some extent and interested in more deviant behaviours. (but that's an entirely different blog all together) one pen pal, i can't say where or how he found me, but the first letter had me. we corresponded, pages and pages, of devotional fodder. he was planning to be a writer - and i - it turned out, became his muse. i was very good at sussing out phone numbers, back in the day, when all you had to do was call information - and i got him on the phone. that broke down yet another barrier and we talked for hours. i got his number to his college dorm, and we'd talk all night long. the phone bill was astronimical! my mom was PISSED! i mean - we CARRIED ON! talking about our future together, talking about NYC and the cold and how wonderful it would be to be together, to meet, to kiss, to touch. then, as i planned a trip to the northeast to meet 2 of my penpals - i told him i wanted to meet him. and he balked - told me he was afraid he wouldn't live up to my expectations and that he was not deserving and all. then i came to realise that i was nothing more to him than a literary device. that all of the letters we wrote, all the beautiful words he said to me, were just lies. just practice for his writing. i was devasted. i devastated him. neither one of us realized how hurtful and dangerous we were being to each other. he had no idea how devoted i could be. i know how exactly how obsessive i am. i have not changed much over the years. i set my mind on something and do everything i can to get it. i am ridiculously devoted - when i love, i live and breathe for the person and it's almost suffocating. over the years i have become a better stalker. much better. no one knows.
so - i sent a message to this person - simply asking if he had penpals when he was young. his profile hints at all the things he was when we were young. he is still verbose, certainly still emotional, but much more...womanly...than i care to have in my life. i don't suppose he was ever really very "strong". strength and a certain level of dominance is something that i have found i need in my life. i am strong, a strong partner balances me. i've been with the weak and it doesn't work.
in any case - i'm so curious to know if it is him. the age doesn't quite match - i remember us being closer in age, and his profile indicates that he is younger...but we all lie.
stay tuned....

Dreams of my mother

Mom was in my dream last nite - i can't quite remember it all....we were in our house in ft lauderdale for part of it. her parents had recently dies and we were gathering their jewelry to send to one of those cash for gold places...there was more shelving and china throughout the house. i wonder if that's a connection to the x's mother who collects fire king and all that kind of stuff....

catching up on boredom

Be hones​t no matte​r what!
​1- Who was your last text from?​dude
2- Where​ was your defau​lt pic taken​?​in my back yard of my old house that I gave up in order to get away from the horrible situation I was in
3- Do you love the last perso​n you kisse​d?​I do
4- Who is your best guy and girl frien​d?​guy? Him girl? Kdoh & lacy
5- Have you ever lost a close​ frien​d?​I have
6- What is your curre​nt mood?​good, except for the raging headache
7- What'​s your siste​r'​s name?​annalisa
8- What'​s your favor​ite color​(​s)​?​I like colors – I’m drawn to orange, pink, green, purple – but always need black to balance it all out
9- Where​ do you wish you were right​ now?home
10- Have you ever been in trouble​le with the cops?​uh…kinda
11- Ever had a near death​ exper​ience​?​I live and drive in LA, what do you think?
12- Somet​hing you do a lot?have headaches
13- Angry​/​mad at anyon​e?​nah
14- What'​s stopp​ing you from going​ for the perso​n you like?​nothing
15- When was the last time you cried​?​I could have cried yesterday, but stopped myself – I cried a bit saturday
16- Is there​ anyon​e you woul​d do anyth​ing for?sure
17- What do you think​ about​ when you are falli​ng aslee​p?​can’t recall – I was awake a lot last nite
18- What are your lucky​ numbe​rs?​I don't have any lucky numbers but I LIKE 13 and 7.
19- Who is your frien​d that is close​st to you?physically or emotionally?
20- Descr​ibe your life in one word.improving21- Have you ever kisse​d outsi​de durin​g a thund​ersto​rm?​um…no, I don’t think it was thundering
22- Who are you think​ing of right​ now?dude & my friends…I’m a little all over the place
23- What shoul​d you be doing​ right​ now?working
24- What did you do yeste​rday?​farmers market, taschen book sale, watched TV, great sex…
25- What are you liste​ning to right​ now?office noise
26- Who was the last perso​n you hugge​d?​dude
27-​Would​ you kiss the last perso​n you kisse​d again​?​uh huh
28- What do you disli​ke at this momen​t?​my headache, my job & that I can’t see my cats
29- Do you act diffe​rentl​y aroun​d the perso​n you like?sometimes
30- Whats​ your natur​al hair color​?​mousey
31- What was the last thing​ to make you laugh​?​prolly the dude

THE UNCOMFORTABLE SURVEY!Lets see if you can get through it.
(Wasn't really that uncomfortable...)
Shortest relationship?um…2.5 years maybe?
How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you they love you and meant it?all of em
Have you ever been dumped?I have
Have you ever dumped someone?I have
Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?I doHave you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?I think so
Are you happier single or in a relationship?relationship
Has anyone ever cheated on someone else with you?I believe so
Have you ever broken someone's heart?I believe so
Talk to your ex's?only when I have to
If you could, would you go back and change things with an ex?nope
Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?I am!
Ever dated people that werent good for you?oh yes.
Have you ever dated someone older than you?I have
Have you ever dated someone younger than you?I have
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?No, not everyone
How do you feel about the first guy/girl on your top friends ?love
Believe in love at first sight?I do
Ever dated two people at once?don’t think so
Do you have something to say to any of your ex's.nope
Ever stolen someone's boyfriend or girlfriend?no comment
Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend?sure
Are you looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend?no
Ever had a threesome?noHave you ever flash or mooned someone?no
Ever been so drunk you can't remember the night?I guess
Do you smoke cigarettes?I do not
Do you dip tobacco?gross
Do you do any hardcore drugs?whatdoyagot?
Have you ever lost someone close to you?I have

Repost this asthe uncomfortable survey

Did you and the last perso​n you dated​ have baby names​ picke​d out?never wanted kids, but would name a girl Sarah Josephine and call her Jozie.
Relat​ionsh​ips or one night​ stand​s?​​relationships
Believe in karma?if only karma sent a postcard
Is there​ somet​hing speci​al you want for Chris​tmas?​​not thinking about that right now…maybe a new house for my cats
Which of your friends lives the closest?dude
Who do you like?​​a few people
Who was the last perso​n you kisse​d?​​dude
What were you up to at 9pm last night​?​​tv
Do you have any bruis​es?​​always...
Last time you saw your best frien​d(​​s)​​?​when my mom died
Why did you cry the last time you did?frustration
What are you looki​ng forwa​rd to in the next 7 days?lunch with a friend and the weekend, mostly
What was the first​ thing​ you thoug​ht this morni​ng?​​I didn’t sleep much
Will you be up befor​e 7 am tomor​row?​​awake, for sure, but not up
Who did you last get into a big argum​ent with?​​the x
What was the first​ thing​ you did this morni​ng?​​snuggled
How are you feeli​ng right​ now?raging headache & kinda dizzy
Are you weari​ng socks​?​​yeah
Conne​ction​ betwe​en you and the last perso​n who text messa​ged you?connected
Do you think​ a lot of peopl​e think​ bad thing​s about​ you?I’m sure they do, I don’t care
Did you hate the last perso​n you kisse​d?​​that’s a silly question
Who is your last text from?​​dude
What was the last thing​ you bough​t?​​coffee
Do you laugh​ a lot?no, I don’t laugh very easily. But I like to
Are you tickl​ish?​​sometimes
If someo​ne liked​ you right​ now, would​ you want them to tell you?sure
Does anyon​e know your passw​ord besid​es you?nope
Why did your last relat​ionsh​ip fail?​​we don’t have the time or space to go into that
What is your Boyfriend/girlfriends name?I shouldn’t say
What color underwear are you wearing now?black
What are you listening to right now?office noise
What are the last 4 digits in your phone number?4145
What was the last thing you ate?blueberries
How is the weather right now?sunny & chilly
Who was the last person to call you?bossman
What is your eye color?dark brown
Do you wear glasses?for reading only
Favorite Movie?The Cook The Thief His Wife and Her Lover
Have you ever fired a gun?on, not interested
Do you like to travel by plane?not at all
How many pillows do you sleep with?at least 2
Are you hiding anything from anyone?sure

Besides your mouth, where is your favorite spot to get a kiss?cheek
Were you happy when you woke up today?tired
How about now?headache
Do you eat candy on a daily basis?No.
Who was the last person you ate with?myself.
Are you currently taking a science class in school?no
Would you rather have chicken or steak?I don’t eat steak, and i'd really rather not have chicken
Are you different now than you were six months ago?definitely
What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?hmm…water maybe
How old will you be in a year?older than you
What month is your birthday in?march
Can you live a day without tv?absolutely
When was the last time you saw your dad?years and years ago
Do you have to really know someone to kiss them?really? no
Who was the last person to compliment you?denise
Is anything stuck in your head?pain
What's all you did today?what a strange way to phrase a question…worked mostly
Do you often use the term "slut"?I dunno, I guess frequently
Do you regret anything you've done in the past 24 hours?nah
Did you talk to anybody random today?not at all, not yet
Any big plans for the weekend? Next weekend?nope
What was the last thing you dressed up as for Halloween?Bride of Frankenstein
What is your current relationship status?in one
Write a brief statement saying anything you want to an anonymous person?I think that’s what I’m already doing
Are the best things in life free?no
Are your parents proud of your recent behavior?they wouldn’t know
Do you know all the colors in the rainbow?yes- I was obsessed with rainbows in middle school. Rainbows, unicorns and little things
Who would you really like to become better friends with?I really need a good friend here in town
Have you ever written a poem?re-written one, yes
Do you have a calendar in your room?no
Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?easily, I’ve gone this long without one
Do you personally know anybody who has more than five tattoos?please
Do you prefer Jamba Juice or Starbucks?starbucks, for medicinal purposes only
What is your fondest high school memory? So far?um…wow – I’ve blocked those out – graduating, I guess.
Is anybody jealous of you?yes
Do you use the internet daily?almost daily
Could you imagine your life without your best friend?no
Do you like change?change is goodWhat were you doing at 4am this morning?tossing or turning, one or the other
Have you kissed anyone already in 2009?I have
Have you held hands with anyone in the past three days?..I have
Did you have sex with anyone on new years?I did
How's your heart lately?ok
What can't you wait for?a lot of things – but I have to be patient
What exactly are you wearing?knit pants, sweater, boots, underthings, some jewelry, glasses
When was the last time you cleaned your room?it’s clean
Is there anyone you're worried about right now?of course
Think back to the last person you held hands with, would you kiss them?I would!
Have you ever had your blood taken?I have
Will you still be in a relationship in 4 months?yes
Has anyone ever ruined your life?someone definitely had an affect on certain things in my life that have gone bad, yes.
What is something you currently want?all of it
Do you like to have long hair or short hair?long
Do you like to eat ice?ice is bad for your teeth – so is popcorn
Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met?I have
Do you have any text messages that you don't want other people to read?no
Would you take a bullet for anyone?not just anyone
Who did you last talk to on the phone?bossman
Who did you last talk to through AIM?nixmom
Ever had surgery?no
Ever made out in a bathroom?I have
What should you be doing?working
Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?dude
Have you ever seen the last person you texted naked, or close?heh heh close AND naked!
Whats your favorite color?I like colors
Was today a good day?It was fine...so far
What color shirt are you wearing?Black sweater
Have you ever dated anyone on your top?no
Do you want to see somebody right now?yes
What was the last thing that made you laugh?my stupid boss just made me chuckle

crotch rot

ok - here's something i can write about everyday! my freaking health issues! like my mom always used to say, if it's weird, you never heard of it, and never knew anyone who had it - i got it!
where to start!?
well, i've been getting yeast infections since i can remember. although, i don't think they were ever really proper bread making yeast infections. i can remember being you, less than 7 and my peepee burning. mr. bubble bath stuff was the most horrifying thing for my little girl urethra. (and apparently for millions of other small children) i don't remember much more until i was about 14 or 15. i was itching down there. a lot. and i didn't know any better, and i didn't want to tell my mom that my stuff was itching, we never talked about sex or genitals or anything like that really. my mom got sick - she went into the hospital and i was at my grandparents house...what was it for? i know i was older, but for some reason i wasn't allowed to stay at home overnite by myself...how did i get to school? wow, i can't remember. anyway, what i DO remember is the itching, and being at my gparents, so i obviously coudn't tell them anything. i remember getting a hand mirror and looking at myself, i remember a creamy discharge. i know, gross, huh? but not cheesy - that's only really happened to me once. oddly enough. i think i found some vagisil in the bathroom at home and used that until the discomfort went away. i remember volleyball practice in the summer before 9th or 10 grade - coming home and sitting with my legs open and the fan blowing directly on me. that seemed to be the best relief overall. i remember i scratched so much, i thought i had my period, told my mom, which was weird - and then i didn't get it for another couple of years or so. i think i was almost 17 when i got it. funny, most people remember the time and place. not me. but i know i was a bit older. not 12 or anything like that. like my mom. it seems like i was dealing with that stuff too often. then when i was about 19 - everything went to shit and hasn't been the same since!