correspondences

so we've been going back and forth every day, at least twice a day. he's easy to write to. it's nice to have someone to "talk" to, in a way. i don't feel the desperate longing or devastation i felt when i was younger. i don't feel what i would feel when i would think of him over the years, or see his letters wrapped in satin ribbon. now that i have him in my life, thanks to the interweb, i don't feel the desperation for communication and contact. which is nice. it's just nice to have someone to communicate with - run through the thoughts and feelings in my head. i hope he doesn't think i have the same feelings for him - i hope he doesn't think i am in the same place i was all those years ago. i suppose i'll make that clear at some point.

it was him

so it's him. the penpal i'd lost so long ago. he remembers me, kind of, i think. i don't know if he's intimidated by what he remembers of me/us. he made sure to tell me he was married. but i can't tell if he was saying that just as a briefing of his life history, or if he was doing what he thought he needed to do to make himself clear on the fact that he was not available. i am in no way interested in that. i don't really know what i want from him. just to reach out and know he's there. someone i thought i knew once. someone i never really knew at all. weird. this whole internet social networking thing...weird. what does one stand to gain? i suppose at the very least, images of far away friends. i had never seen this andy before. i never knew what he looked like. his looks don't surprise me. he was shy and bookish then, he looks the part now. and that's ok. i guess it's the same reason i keep in touch with one particular friend from childhood - 3rd grade to be more precise. it's a familiarity - something human i suppose. like i said to my bff today - i'm so desperate for a true, good friend - she said she'd be terribly jealous, but she wants and hopes that i find someone. it's getting late - who needs a friend by the time they are my age? one is havign a birthday party this weekend. one that i've known for so long and i so deeply want to reconnect with, but we just can't. i don't see myself fitting into his life anymore, and he certainly sends no signals wanting me in his life in any real capacity. it's lovely that we can talk at great length, but i think he can do that with most people. my bff said a funny thing, as cynical as i like to think that i am, and as hurt as i may have been, and even with all the walls around me, if someone leans in just the slightest bit, i'm eager to let them in. that i am open-hearted. that is why she is my bff.

It's the Stalker in me

are you still a stalker if you've never been caught? i openly admit to using myspace primarily to keep my eye on those who must be kept, enemies from my past and frequently, to search for names and faces from my past. i think i might have found one from a distant long ago land. i had many penpals when i was younger. started later than most, i guess, around 15 or 16 and by the time i was 17 or 18 had about 20 some odd penpals across the country. i still have a stack of letters in a box, too...oddly enough. i am painfully sentimental, so i guess it's not that odd. we all used pennames. hardly ever knew each other's real names (see anonimity has always been my modus operandi). one of mine was "leather" - because i fancied myself subversive to some extent and interested in more deviant behaviours. (but that's an entirely different blog all together) one pen pal, i can't say where or how he found me, but the first letter had me. we corresponded, pages and pages, of devotional fodder. he was planning to be a writer - and i - it turned out, became his muse. i was very good at sussing out phone numbers, back in the day, when all you had to do was call information - and i got him on the phone. that broke down yet another barrier and we talked for hours. i got his number to his college dorm, and we'd talk all night long. the phone bill was astronimical! my mom was PISSED! i mean - we CARRIED ON! talking about our future together, talking about NYC and the cold and how wonderful it would be to be together, to meet, to kiss, to touch. then, as i planned a trip to the northeast to meet 2 of my penpals - i told him i wanted to meet him. and he balked - told me he was afraid he wouldn't live up to my expectations and that he was not deserving and all. then i came to realise that i was nothing more to him than a literary device. that all of the letters we wrote, all the beautiful words he said to me, were just lies. just practice for his writing. i was devasted. i devastated him. neither one of us realized how hurtful and dangerous we were being to each other. he had no idea how devoted i could be. i know how exactly how obsessive i am. i have not changed much over the years. i set my mind on something and do everything i can to get it. i am ridiculously devoted - when i love, i live and breathe for the person and it's almost suffocating. over the years i have become a better stalker. much better. no one knows.
so - i sent a message to this person - simply asking if he had penpals when he was young. his profile hints at all the things he was when we were young. he is still verbose, certainly still emotional, but much more...womanly...than i care to have in my life. i don't suppose he was ever really very "strong". strength and a certain level of dominance is something that i have found i need in my life. i am strong, a strong partner balances me. i've been with the weak and it doesn't work.
in any case - i'm so curious to know if it is him. the age doesn't quite match - i remember us being closer in age, and his profile indicates that he is younger...but we all lie.
stay tuned....

fucking my space

i swear, it's going to be the death of our society!
so out of nowhere, maybe from the kings of leon profile, i don't know, this cute little red haired girl asks to be my friend. i told her it would be against my better judgement to add her, she said she meant no harm.
so i add her.
look at her fotos - there are 3, cute her, her ass, and a tattoo. GREAT, i think, i've been scammed by some hoochie mamma. so i figured i'd give it about a week. next thing i know, she's commenting all over my fotos: how cute, vavoom, you're hot and requesting and adding local friends/bands, etc.
i don't like someone all over my shit.
and with the trust issues that the dude and i face, the last thing i need is for some hot little red-haired chick to come bounding at me out of nowhere at a show.
(which leads me to an entirely different blog all together)

MySpace sucks

I can't believe the amount of drama that surrounds such a stupid little social network! break-ups lies, spying, stalking and yes, even murder.
and trying to delete your account is a nightmare too! i'm really to dump the stupid thing, but the email addy i used to set up my account 6 years ago is inaccessible - so i can't complete the cancelation process! how fucking stupid that?
guilty of posting things i shouldn't.
guilty of trying to be provacative.