It's the Stalker in me

are you still a stalker if you've never been caught? i openly admit to using myspace primarily to keep my eye on those who must be kept, enemies from my past and frequently, to search for names and faces from my past. i think i might have found one from a distant long ago land. i had many penpals when i was younger. started later than most, i guess, around 15 or 16 and by the time i was 17 or 18 had about 20 some odd penpals across the country. i still have a stack of letters in a box, too...oddly enough. i am painfully sentimental, so i guess it's not that odd. we all used pennames. hardly ever knew each other's real names (see anonimity has always been my modus operandi). one of mine was "leather" - because i fancied myself subversive to some extent and interested in more deviant behaviours. (but that's an entirely different blog all together) one pen pal, i can't say where or how he found me, but the first letter had me. we corresponded, pages and pages, of devotional fodder. he was planning to be a writer - and i - it turned out, became his muse. i was very good at sussing out phone numbers, back in the day, when all you had to do was call information - and i got him on the phone. that broke down yet another barrier and we talked for hours. i got his number to his college dorm, and we'd talk all night long. the phone bill was astronimical! my mom was PISSED! i mean - we CARRIED ON! talking about our future together, talking about NYC and the cold and how wonderful it would be to be together, to meet, to kiss, to touch. then, as i planned a trip to the northeast to meet 2 of my penpals - i told him i wanted to meet him. and he balked - told me he was afraid he wouldn't live up to my expectations and that he was not deserving and all. then i came to realise that i was nothing more to him than a literary device. that all of the letters we wrote, all the beautiful words he said to me, were just lies. just practice for his writing. i was devasted. i devastated him. neither one of us realized how hurtful and dangerous we were being to each other. he had no idea how devoted i could be. i know how exactly how obsessive i am. i have not changed much over the years. i set my mind on something and do everything i can to get it. i am ridiculously devoted - when i love, i live and breathe for the person and it's almost suffocating. over the years i have become a better stalker. much better. no one knows.
so - i sent a message to this person - simply asking if he had penpals when he was young. his profile hints at all the things he was when we were young. he is still verbose, certainly still emotional, but much more...womanly...than i care to have in my life. i don't suppose he was ever really very "strong". strength and a certain level of dominance is something that i have found i need in my life. i am strong, a strong partner balances me. i've been with the weak and it doesn't work.
in any case - i'm so curious to know if it is him. the age doesn't quite match - i remember us being closer in age, and his profile indicates that he is younger...but we all lie.
stay tuned....