it was him

so it's him. the penpal i'd lost so long ago. he remembers me, kind of, i think. i don't know if he's intimidated by what he remembers of me/us. he made sure to tell me he was married. but i can't tell if he was saying that just as a briefing of his life history, or if he was doing what he thought he needed to do to make himself clear on the fact that he was not available. i am in no way interested in that. i don't really know what i want from him. just to reach out and know he's there. someone i thought i knew once. someone i never really knew at all. weird. this whole internet social networking thing...weird. what does one stand to gain? i suppose at the very least, images of far away friends. i had never seen this andy before. i never knew what he looked like. his looks don't surprise me. he was shy and bookish then, he looks the part now. and that's ok. i guess it's the same reason i keep in touch with one particular friend from childhood - 3rd grade to be more precise. it's a familiarity - something human i suppose. like i said to my bff today - i'm so desperate for a true, good friend - she said she'd be terribly jealous, but she wants and hopes that i find someone. it's getting late - who needs a friend by the time they are my age? one is havign a birthday party this weekend. one that i've known for so long and i so deeply want to reconnect with, but we just can't. i don't see myself fitting into his life anymore, and he certainly sends no signals wanting me in his life in any real capacity. it's lovely that we can talk at great length, but i think he can do that with most people. my bff said a funny thing, as cynical as i like to think that i am, and as hurt as i may have been, and even with all the walls around me, if someone leans in just the slightest bit, i'm eager to let them in. that i am open-hearted. that is why she is my bff.