a friend of the x, who used to be friends with "us" wants to reconnect with me. there was quite a bit of drama during the break up. this friend, and his then fiance, now wife, ended up casualties of the break up. he was a good friend for a while, he went to praque to work on prince caspian for 6 months and she and i became very close. she was wonderful and supportive through my sick family, the x being a loser, my growing fondness for the dude and somewhat erratic behavour overall. she was kind and permissive, saying that i was going to do strange and irrational things and people were just going to have to deal with it. hardly a day goes by that i don't miss her friendship. she was becoming the friend that i have been longing for.
when he returned from prague, he thought it would be ok to pick up where we left off when i was ok with the x - but not ok with my growing friendship with her. (we would sneak a kiss every now and then, when no one was looking) when i told the dude about it, he explained to me how many different ways it was wrong and a betrayal to her and to him. i felt guilty and ashamed, how irresponsible, disrespectful and immature of us to behave in such a way.
then the friend had a birthday party that i just couldn’t attend. the x was being particularly horrifying, threatening to throw my belongings on the lawn if i didn’t pay my ½ of the rent. knowing that he would be at the party, i thought it best to call and say that i regretfully could not attend. it was at that point that i found out that i was not even invited, along with 3 other people who the x was having problems with at the time. we were not invited because he didn’t want any drama. and it didn’t occur to me at the time, only after the fact how shitty that was. i mean, i know everyone eventually chooses sides, but can’t you leave it up to those involved to act like adults and not cause drama at the your birthday party? i was hurt and offended. Being the non-confrontational type, i just let it go. i moved all of my belongings out of the house in one day and left, went away from everyone. there was gossip that i was a coke whore, no one knew where i was staying and no one cared or called. over a year goes by, i haven’t spoken to either of them. i saw them at a party before christmas and they were both so high, they couldn’t even speak. i thought that was kinda gross, to be honest. i mean, i've spend many a party with them, very high, and i guess i shouldn’t have been so judgmental over it, she hugged me and fell on my as she said “we need to talk” i said i know we do, just not here and now. she never called. he never called. he could barely focus enough say hello. and now the dude finds himself working with him.

a week & 1/2 goes by & he tells dude he wants to "talk". they talk & all is ok. they agree that they can be friends, we can all be friends, but dude will not put up with any bullshit. dude called him on our little thing, said how the x has such a negative influence over all and he's not having it. also told him that i am heartbroken & upset about fucking up my relationship with her. and how conflicted i am over the whole thing.
so he wants to talk to me - catch up, clear the air and such. i want and need her friendship so badly. but i really don't know how to face her. i guess we have to figure it out. for all i know, he may have told her and she either didn't care, doesn't care, or is willing to not care as long as it never happens again, and it will never happen again. it's not that important to me at all, and i certainly hope it's not that important to him. it was cute and fun when i was with the x. we are different now, i am different now, it's not cute and fun anymore. that would be great, but too good to be true, huh? what's more likely to happen is that this is something that we three, dude, him & me will always have to keep to ourselves and feel guilty about.
this can open up a can of worms with some of the other x friends. some that i should have not stopped talking to, but i did because of the dude. because we were carrying on for as long as we have and no one knew, i needed to stay clear of most people. honestly it was none of their business. i have this weird obligation or guilt complex. i feel compelled to explain the why and when of everything. i guess this could be a first of many steps back into the world.