Wednesday, April 22, 2009
things i need to get through
i think if things at nite - when i am struggling to go to sleep. i don't like to really talk to anyone about them, because i am working on getting over them and living my happy life with my love. sometimes the things the x has said to me come creeping back and start rotting my brain. as we know, everyone says awful things while in the midst of a break up. one of the many awful things the x said was regarding the gifts i had given him over the years, or the lack thereof. he brought up how he would shower me with birthday or christmas presents when he could (the few time he was working) because he couldn't pull his weight throughout the rest of the year and help pay his 1/2 of the bills. and how once, perhaps more than once (i am happy to no longer remember) that i did not get him a gift for his birthday and felt bad. i did however, end up spending hundreds of dollars to set up a birthday party at the house. we went to las vegas for valentine's day one year, on my dime, we went to coachella 6 years in a row, the tix were free but the food, hotel, gas, drugs - paid for by me. we went to santa barbra, san diego, san francisco, las vegas for new years - all paid for by me, because i was the only one ever working all of the time. we always had food, cable, phone, clothes, air conditioning, music, concerts, movies, dinners, we did almost anything and everything he wanted to do. i want this SHIT to be out of my head! i want to stop feeling like i was not good to him. how dare he!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
We're All Zombies
Way back when – late 80s - I was still planning on an illustrious career in radio broadcasting. My best friend and I had our weekly radio show on a station that was broadcast from a local high school, supported by the county school board.
Also, at the same time, I was experimenting with drugs, going out dancing with friends and basically being a “club kid” before they knew what the term meant. (Michael Alig was probably still in middle school) We dressed outrageously, wore lots of make-up, ran around in a pack, and did our best to stand out and dared anyone NOT to notice. All the while, high as kites, pretending the no one knew we were high.
One of the local news stations took notice of this “scene” that was burgeoning in south florida – and yes – I am quite aware how the terms “scene” and “south florida” in the same sentence contradicts. They called their 20 minute segment (spread over 3 days) “Desperately Seeking Difference.” And of course, as any obtuse local news station is likely to do, the combined “thrash metal” (Metallica) and “punk rock” (yeah, right) together in an attempt to “define”. We listened to neither. The clubs we went to and the music we listened to was more dance oriented. We were getting into house music from the UK, Belgium and Chicago – it was dance music, just a little more aggressive, dark, and edgy, for lack of a better word. Finitribe, Clan of Xymox, Ganzeiht, Lords Of Acid, etc. – it was the early days of the acid house scene – way before anybody knew who the Prodigy was.
They brought their bright lights and TV cameras to Fire and Ice one night – filming and interviewing anyone dumb enough or desperate enough for the attention. We had no interest, even though we were probably what the expose should have been about. We avoided the lights and cameras – knowing it was a better idea to not get caught in the spotlight – all wide-eyed.“ZOLT” this Russian fashion designer with blue hair GRABS me (as we were most likely walking to the car to smoke more pot) and says – “come do an interview with me!”
So I’m rolling! Pretty hard, and I’m sure very obviously – and the jerk conducting the interview is talking to Zolt – asking him what it’s all about. My friends were off to the side – shouting and jeering at me, making fun. News guy puts the microphone in my face and asks my what my look was all about. (chain from nose to ear, purple hair, shredded dress, my just crawled out of the grave look, no doubt) To which my cheeky response was:
“We’re All Zombies!”
Then I went on to try to complete a thought about the music and the scene and how it’s not all that aggressive and so on – I can’t remember and I’m certain it was quite incoherent.
The only thing that made it on the air was me – hanging on Zolt’s arm (ok, maybe he was holding me up) saying “We’re All Zombies.” It was used as a BUMPER for the expose only and probably only aired twice! With the question preceeding” How do these kids see themselves” cut to me: “We’re All Zombies.”
Well, somehow, someone found out about it at the radio station and I got suspended. I had to take my case to the VP of the high school’s PTA. She sympathized, said she also felt I was misrepresented; however she would have to take it to the board to get me back on the air.
Weeks go by and I finally get on the phone with the assistant operations manager for the radio station. I was asking him what the problem was, when and if I could get back on air, how much I enjoyed it and so on. Then he says “you see, there’s a certain image we want to portray with the radio station”.
Wait a minute.
“did you just say I’m being kicked off the air for my image?!” I asked.
“Yeah, well, no, that’s not what I mean.” He backpedaled.
And there ended my career in radio.
CUT TO 1992. One of my all time favorite acts, Meat Beat Manifesto (don’t laugh – Jack Dangers is genius) comes out with an album called Satyricon. At the show, I’m looking at T-shirts to buy…which one did I get? The one that says “I AM A ZOMBIE”
Life in serendipitous sometimes, isn’t it?
Anyway – that’s my zombie story.
Also, at the same time, I was experimenting with drugs, going out dancing with friends and basically being a “club kid” before they knew what the term meant. (Michael Alig was probably still in middle school) We dressed outrageously, wore lots of make-up, ran around in a pack, and did our best to stand out and dared anyone NOT to notice. All the while, high as kites, pretending the no one knew we were high.
One of the local news stations took notice of this “scene” that was burgeoning in south florida – and yes – I am quite aware how the terms “scene” and “south florida” in the same sentence contradicts. They called their 20 minute segment (spread over 3 days) “Desperately Seeking Difference.” And of course, as any obtuse local news station is likely to do, the combined “thrash metal” (Metallica) and “punk rock” (yeah, right) together in an attempt to “define”. We listened to neither. The clubs we went to and the music we listened to was more dance oriented. We were getting into house music from the UK, Belgium and Chicago – it was dance music, just a little more aggressive, dark, and edgy, for lack of a better word. Finitribe, Clan of Xymox, Ganzeiht, Lords Of Acid, etc. – it was the early days of the acid house scene – way before anybody knew who the Prodigy was.
They brought their bright lights and TV cameras to Fire and Ice one night – filming and interviewing anyone dumb enough or desperate enough for the attention. We had no interest, even though we were probably what the expose should have been about. We avoided the lights and cameras – knowing it was a better idea to not get caught in the spotlight – all wide-eyed.“ZOLT” this Russian fashion designer with blue hair GRABS me (as we were most likely walking to the car to smoke more pot) and says – “come do an interview with me!”
So I’m rolling! Pretty hard, and I’m sure very obviously – and the jerk conducting the interview is talking to Zolt – asking him what it’s all about. My friends were off to the side – shouting and jeering at me, making fun. News guy puts the microphone in my face and asks my what my look was all about. (chain from nose to ear, purple hair, shredded dress, my just crawled out of the grave look, no doubt) To which my cheeky response was:
“We’re All Zombies!”
Then I went on to try to complete a thought about the music and the scene and how it’s not all that aggressive and so on – I can’t remember and I’m certain it was quite incoherent.
The only thing that made it on the air was me – hanging on Zolt’s arm (ok, maybe he was holding me up) saying “We’re All Zombies.” It was used as a BUMPER for the expose only and probably only aired twice! With the question preceeding” How do these kids see themselves” cut to me: “We’re All Zombies.”
Well, somehow, someone found out about it at the radio station and I got suspended. I had to take my case to the VP of the high school’s PTA. She sympathized, said she also felt I was misrepresented; however she would have to take it to the board to get me back on the air.
Weeks go by and I finally get on the phone with the assistant operations manager for the radio station. I was asking him what the problem was, when and if I could get back on air, how much I enjoyed it and so on. Then he says “you see, there’s a certain image we want to portray with the radio station”.
Wait a minute.
“did you just say I’m being kicked off the air for my image?!” I asked.
“Yeah, well, no, that’s not what I mean.” He backpedaled.
And there ended my career in radio.
CUT TO 1992. One of my all time favorite acts, Meat Beat Manifesto (don’t laugh – Jack Dangers is genius) comes out with an album called Satyricon. At the show, I’m looking at T-shirts to buy…which one did I get? The one that says “I AM A ZOMBIE”
Life in serendipitous sometimes, isn’t it?
Anyway – that’s my zombie story.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
it's been a while, sorry
On September 6, 2007 an African Grey parrot named Alex dies prematurely at age thirty-one. His last words to his owner, Irene Pepperberg, were "You Be Good. I Love you." from Alex and Me.
I read this line over again and again and it still makes me cry. I'm reading the book now about the amazin things this parrot was able to do. I looked up a video on youtube and was even more devastated by the way the parrot looked and some of the comments that were posted. One person posted that it was all a hoax - that the parrot was simply trained to mimic responses based on cues from the trainer. alex was also under some kind of duress - as he had obviosly been plucking his feathers out. but i haven't finished the book - maybe the author/trainer/scientist addresses.
it breaks my heart in every way imaginable to think or know that this animal had a conciousness. that he actually felt for and was able to express to his owner how he felt. what tears me up about the story is that the owner/trainer/scientist struggled to maintain a scientist/subject relationship with the creature. perhaps that is why he was distressed enough to pull his feathers? because he knew his person didn't really care for him in any other way except as a test subject? maybe it was the day in day out of training, being asked the same questions over and over again to prove a scientific theory that lead the animal to be so stressed that he pulled his feathers?
while it is important to learn and understand how animals communicate and what level they may or may not comprehend and communicate emotions - the scientific approach, no matter how liberal (esp in this case, according to the scientist) is still cruel and unusual. furthermore, it's a shame that we need scientific validation in order to even come close to treating non-human animals with dignity ans respect. even with all the evidence, proof, scientific research, study and evidence that proves animals have a cognitive, emotional method of communication, it doesn't change the way we as a species treat others, does it.
i don't know where i belong in this world sometimes.
I read this line over again and again and it still makes me cry. I'm reading the book now about the amazin things this parrot was able to do. I looked up a video on youtube and was even more devastated by the way the parrot looked and some of the comments that were posted. One person posted that it was all a hoax - that the parrot was simply trained to mimic responses based on cues from the trainer. alex was also under some kind of duress - as he had obviosly been plucking his feathers out. but i haven't finished the book - maybe the author/trainer/scientist addresses.
it breaks my heart in every way imaginable to think or know that this animal had a conciousness. that he actually felt for and was able to express to his owner how he felt. what tears me up about the story is that the owner/trainer/scientist struggled to maintain a scientist/subject relationship with the creature. perhaps that is why he was distressed enough to pull his feathers? because he knew his person didn't really care for him in any other way except as a test subject? maybe it was the day in day out of training, being asked the same questions over and over again to prove a scientific theory that lead the animal to be so stressed that he pulled his feathers?
while it is important to learn and understand how animals communicate and what level they may or may not comprehend and communicate emotions - the scientific approach, no matter how liberal (esp in this case, according to the scientist) is still cruel and unusual. furthermore, it's a shame that we need scientific validation in order to even come close to treating non-human animals with dignity ans respect. even with all the evidence, proof, scientific research, study and evidence that proves animals have a cognitive, emotional method of communication, it doesn't change the way we as a species treat others, does it.
i don't know where i belong in this world sometimes.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Death On A Factory Farm
So I heard about it on NPR. They expect this expose to have the same impact on pork consumption as it did when HBO (or was it Showtime) ran a similar expose on the veal industry. I certainly hope it does.
Now, I KNOW – I KNOW – how the meat industry is more cruel and unusual than water boarding, sleep deprivation, and nail pulling could ever try to be. And I know, I KNOW what a bad idea it is for me to watch such things.
But isn’t it important to be as educated as possible about your arguments? Know your enemy, they say. I started watching the 2nd half of the documentary and it was all in the courtroom. Anytime I thought they were going to show any footage, I changed the channel. I wanted to know the outcome. But watching it in the presence of another was making us both uncomfortable. Even though, the courtroom testimony was being edited to show just how cruel and wrong this factory farm in Ohio really was in its treatment of the hogs and sows.
So I started watching the 1st half of the documentary last nite and have been fighting back a breakdown ever since. (thank you xanax) I obviously had to stop watching. I couldn’t change the channel often enough to hear the reporting from the undercover investigator and avoid the images he was able to record in his 6 weeks at the facility. Considering his goal was to record the greatest form of cruelty, hanging the hogs/sows by a chain in an effort to euthanize them – everything else that is common and acceptable practice was devastating - absolutely devastating in the truest sense of the word.
What is missing in a human being’s brain to be able to look at an animal, any animal and exact that kind of treatment upon it?
I’m certainly off meat again. I had started making excuses, that I didn’t have the patience and I was too lazy to keep meat out of my diet all together. And those who know me know that I don’t eat much anyway, and how picky I’ve always been about what/where/how I would eat it. Well, now I’m off it again, 100%. Probably even cheese. I can’t handle the responsibility of taking life and life products from animals.
Then I start to think of the sustainability (or lack thereof) that this planet has to offer, should everyone go vegetarian, or vegan. There’s too many of us. the planet cannot sustain all of us. the mass production of food for this planet, nation, state, community….how much of the food, fruits and vegetables that overflow every market on the corner of every street rot before they are sold? (do we need a gelsons’ right across the street from Ralphs, two blocks down from a Vons? East coast friends, insert, Publix, Winn Dixie, etc) Why do we have to produce SO much, just so that it cannot be consumed? They have to pump the food with pesticides and genetically modify them to be bigger, shinier, cleaner and prettier for us to consume them. A dairy farmer was in this documentary and commented on how if people keep this up, this exposing people of their cruelty towards animals, that it’s going to put people like him out of business. “and then there’s gonna be a lot of hungry people” really? Will there be? Do we NEED to produce that much? And if people will go hungry, well isn’t that just survival of the fittest? Maybe we CAN’T feed everybody. When there isn’t enough food for animals in their natural habitat, which we have encroached upon and destroyed, therefore there is not enough “natural habitat” for them to survive ON…what happens? They starve to death, or better yet, humans get to hunt and kill them! Do thumbs really make us that more precious to survive.
I don’t know where I fit in to this equation. I don’t know how to balance my existence with the mass over-production and over-consumption of our society. I can do only what I can do, eat organic, eat local, recycle - but eating organic just contributes to the over production and consumption, and lack of sustainability, doesn’t it? last year, California voted to allow farm animals more space, so that they can “turn around, sit, and lie down” (or course, in their own waste) Why do we need them in these pens? Let alone why they need to be so small. “Free range chicken and eggs” are promoted in the stores – when do pigs get free range? Before they go to slaughter? A factory farm is not a slaughterhouse. It’s a place where the pigs are bread to go to slaughter, they send the piglets to be raised for meat processing – did my vote go towards factory farms or slaughter houses?
The documentary is sickening. It sickens me how we treat animals in the society. It’s torture. They are innocent. They can only scream and squeal and whimper. It seems to be the only reason we don’t allow torture of humans is because humans can verbalize their pain and fear. Why are we so arrogant? Because we don’t speak pig, then they aren’t in pain, don’t know fear and torture. It makes me ashamed to be human.
Now, I KNOW – I KNOW – how the meat industry is more cruel and unusual than water boarding, sleep deprivation, and nail pulling could ever try to be. And I know, I KNOW what a bad idea it is for me to watch such things.
But isn’t it important to be as educated as possible about your arguments? Know your enemy, they say. I started watching the 2nd half of the documentary and it was all in the courtroom. Anytime I thought they were going to show any footage, I changed the channel. I wanted to know the outcome. But watching it in the presence of another was making us both uncomfortable. Even though, the courtroom testimony was being edited to show just how cruel and wrong this factory farm in Ohio really was in its treatment of the hogs and sows.
So I started watching the 1st half of the documentary last nite and have been fighting back a breakdown ever since. (thank you xanax) I obviously had to stop watching. I couldn’t change the channel often enough to hear the reporting from the undercover investigator and avoid the images he was able to record in his 6 weeks at the facility. Considering his goal was to record the greatest form of cruelty, hanging the hogs/sows by a chain in an effort to euthanize them – everything else that is common and acceptable practice was devastating - absolutely devastating in the truest sense of the word.
What is missing in a human being’s brain to be able to look at an animal, any animal and exact that kind of treatment upon it?
I’m certainly off meat again. I had started making excuses, that I didn’t have the patience and I was too lazy to keep meat out of my diet all together. And those who know me know that I don’t eat much anyway, and how picky I’ve always been about what/where/how I would eat it. Well, now I’m off it again, 100%. Probably even cheese. I can’t handle the responsibility of taking life and life products from animals.
Then I start to think of the sustainability (or lack thereof) that this planet has to offer, should everyone go vegetarian, or vegan. There’s too many of us. the planet cannot sustain all of us. the mass production of food for this planet, nation, state, community….how much of the food, fruits and vegetables that overflow every market on the corner of every street rot before they are sold? (do we need a gelsons’ right across the street from Ralphs, two blocks down from a Vons? East coast friends, insert, Publix, Winn Dixie, etc) Why do we have to produce SO much, just so that it cannot be consumed? They have to pump the food with pesticides and genetically modify them to be bigger, shinier, cleaner and prettier for us to consume them. A dairy farmer was in this documentary and commented on how if people keep this up, this exposing people of their cruelty towards animals, that it’s going to put people like him out of business. “and then there’s gonna be a lot of hungry people” really? Will there be? Do we NEED to produce that much? And if people will go hungry, well isn’t that just survival of the fittest? Maybe we CAN’T feed everybody. When there isn’t enough food for animals in their natural habitat, which we have encroached upon and destroyed, therefore there is not enough “natural habitat” for them to survive ON…what happens? They starve to death, or better yet, humans get to hunt and kill them! Do thumbs really make us that more precious to survive.
I don’t know where I fit in to this equation. I don’t know how to balance my existence with the mass over-production and over-consumption of our society. I can do only what I can do, eat organic, eat local, recycle - but eating organic just contributes to the over production and consumption, and lack of sustainability, doesn’t it? last year, California voted to allow farm animals more space, so that they can “turn around, sit, and lie down” (or course, in their own waste) Why do we need them in these pens? Let alone why they need to be so small. “Free range chicken and eggs” are promoted in the stores – when do pigs get free range? Before they go to slaughter? A factory farm is not a slaughterhouse. It’s a place where the pigs are bread to go to slaughter, they send the piglets to be raised for meat processing – did my vote go towards factory farms or slaughter houses?
The documentary is sickening. It sickens me how we treat animals in the society. It’s torture. They are innocent. They can only scream and squeal and whimper. It seems to be the only reason we don’t allow torture of humans is because humans can verbalize their pain and fear. Why are we so arrogant? Because we don’t speak pig, then they aren’t in pain, don’t know fear and torture. It makes me ashamed to be human.
Monday, March 9, 2009
it's been a while
i know, i haven't posted in a while. been kinda busy with work - and a bit uninspired, i suppose. it's 5.20p and i've barely done a freaking thing at work today except fuck around. i've done a few little things here and there - just enough to get by. i decided to have a birthday party while one of my BFFs is in town from atlanta. i've invited the friends we reconnected with. which has turned out to be quite a lackluster reconnection. apparently only a reconnection in an effort to avoid any continuted drama or weirdness - not really a connection for a desired or long lost friendship or anything. that's fine - whatever. we've gone out a couple of times, people didn't talk to us at one party so we left (it was a weird house party anyway - the guy's bday & he's a douche for the most part.) we went to a club/show/party on saturday that was ok. the only problem was that the troll was there. i thought dude was gonna hit her. he really wanted to. he wanted to tell her to leave, call her a troll and threaten her with bodily harm. i told him i support him telling her to leave and calling her a troll, but he cannot threaten her with any physical harm, because that is illegal. i really with he would have. she's SUCH a troll. and she's put on weight! haha. she used to be obese - and more frightening looking, then she lost weight and the last time i saw her, she was more of a chubby chick - now she's fat again. i've put on weight too, though. but i'm starting medifast tomorrow or the day after, so i'll loose it again - plus - i'm not THAT fat! and i'm not horrifyingly ugly either!! we left that party, came home and had amazing sex for a few hours. (sigh) i LOVE having sex with him - he's SO FUCKING incredible! we have the BEST.SEX.EVER!
we got invited to a hollywood bday party this weekend (3/13) that should be a rager and a sidewhow of freaks! looking fwd to it. too bad we did the last of our droqz on saturday - cuz this one might be a good time - but then again, it might be better to see it all sober - we'll remember more of it! the guy hosting the party is a fairly notorious trainwreck, DUI's recently failed marriage, total party/drug fiend and a comic book NERD to boot!
i found a long lost friend that i grew up with on mahspace - heather. which may be a gateway into a couple of other people from my teeny tiny highschool that are on face book, which i refuse to join. i'll keep you posted.
we got invited to a hollywood bday party this weekend (3/13) that should be a rager and a sidewhow of freaks! looking fwd to it. too bad we did the last of our droqz on saturday - cuz this one might be a good time - but then again, it might be better to see it all sober - we'll remember more of it! the guy hosting the party is a fairly notorious trainwreck, DUI's recently failed marriage, total party/drug fiend and a comic book NERD to boot!
i found a long lost friend that i grew up with on mahspace - heather. which may be a gateway into a couple of other people from my teeny tiny highschool that are on face book, which i refuse to join. i'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
a friend of the x, who used to be friends with "us" wants to reconnect with me. there was quite a bit of drama during the break up. this friend, and his then fiance, now wife, ended up casualties of the break up. he was a good friend for a while, he went to praque to work on prince caspian for 6 months and she and i became very close. she was wonderful and supportive through my sick family, the x being a loser, my growing fondness for the dude and somewhat erratic behavour overall. she was kind and permissive, saying that i was going to do strange and irrational things and people were just going to have to deal with it. hardly a day goes by that i don't miss her friendship. she was becoming the friend that i have been longing for.
when he returned from prague, he thought it would be ok to pick up where we left off when i was ok with the x - but not ok with my growing friendship with her. (we would sneak a kiss every now and then, when no one was looking) when i told the dude about it, he explained to me how many different ways it was wrong and a betrayal to her and to him. i felt guilty and ashamed, how irresponsible, disrespectful and immature of us to behave in such a way.
then the friend had a birthday party that i just couldn’t attend. the x was being particularly horrifying, threatening to throw my belongings on the lawn if i didn’t pay my ½ of the rent. knowing that he would be at the party, i thought it best to call and say that i regretfully could not attend. it was at that point that i found out that i was not even invited, along with 3 other people who the x was having problems with at the time. we were not invited because he didn’t want any drama. and it didn’t occur to me at the time, only after the fact how shitty that was. i mean, i know everyone eventually chooses sides, but can’t you leave it up to those involved to act like adults and not cause drama at the your birthday party? i was hurt and offended. Being the non-confrontational type, i just let it go. i moved all of my belongings out of the house in one day and left, went away from everyone. there was gossip that i was a coke whore, no one knew where i was staying and no one cared or called. over a year goes by, i haven’t spoken to either of them. i saw them at a party before christmas and they were both so high, they couldn’t even speak. i thought that was kinda gross, to be honest. i mean, i've spend many a party with them, very high, and i guess i shouldn’t have been so judgmental over it, she hugged me and fell on my as she said “we need to talk” i said i know we do, just not here and now. she never called. he never called. he could barely focus enough say hello. and now the dude finds himself working with him.
a week & 1/2 goes by & he tells dude he wants to "talk". they talk & all is ok. they agree that they can be friends, we can all be friends, but dude will not put up with any bullshit. dude called him on our little thing, said how the x has such a negative influence over all and he's not having it. also told him that i am heartbroken & upset about fucking up my relationship with her. and how conflicted i am over the whole thing.
so he wants to talk to me - catch up, clear the air and such. i want and need her friendship so badly. but i really don't know how to face her. i guess we have to figure it out. for all i know, he may have told her and she either didn't care, doesn't care, or is willing to not care as long as it never happens again, and it will never happen again. it's not that important to me at all, and i certainly hope it's not that important to him. it was cute and fun when i was with the x. we are different now, i am different now, it's not cute and fun anymore. that would be great, but too good to be true, huh? what's more likely to happen is that this is something that we three, dude, him & me will always have to keep to ourselves and feel guilty about.
this can open up a can of worms with some of the other x friends. some that i should have not stopped talking to, but i did because of the dude. because we were carrying on for as long as we have and no one knew, i needed to stay clear of most people. honestly it was none of their business. i have this weird obligation or guilt complex. i feel compelled to explain the why and when of everything. i guess this could be a first of many steps back into the world.
when he returned from prague, he thought it would be ok to pick up where we left off when i was ok with the x - but not ok with my growing friendship with her. (we would sneak a kiss every now and then, when no one was looking) when i told the dude about it, he explained to me how many different ways it was wrong and a betrayal to her and to him. i felt guilty and ashamed, how irresponsible, disrespectful and immature of us to behave in such a way.
then the friend had a birthday party that i just couldn’t attend. the x was being particularly horrifying, threatening to throw my belongings on the lawn if i didn’t pay my ½ of the rent. knowing that he would be at the party, i thought it best to call and say that i regretfully could not attend. it was at that point that i found out that i was not even invited, along with 3 other people who the x was having problems with at the time. we were not invited because he didn’t want any drama. and it didn’t occur to me at the time, only after the fact how shitty that was. i mean, i know everyone eventually chooses sides, but can’t you leave it up to those involved to act like adults and not cause drama at the your birthday party? i was hurt and offended. Being the non-confrontational type, i just let it go. i moved all of my belongings out of the house in one day and left, went away from everyone. there was gossip that i was a coke whore, no one knew where i was staying and no one cared or called. over a year goes by, i haven’t spoken to either of them. i saw them at a party before christmas and they were both so high, they couldn’t even speak. i thought that was kinda gross, to be honest. i mean, i've spend many a party with them, very high, and i guess i shouldn’t have been so judgmental over it, she hugged me and fell on my as she said “we need to talk” i said i know we do, just not here and now. she never called. he never called. he could barely focus enough say hello. and now the dude finds himself working with him.
a week & 1/2 goes by & he tells dude he wants to "talk". they talk & all is ok. they agree that they can be friends, we can all be friends, but dude will not put up with any bullshit. dude called him on our little thing, said how the x has such a negative influence over all and he's not having it. also told him that i am heartbroken & upset about fucking up my relationship with her. and how conflicted i am over the whole thing.
so he wants to talk to me - catch up, clear the air and such. i want and need her friendship so badly. but i really don't know how to face her. i guess we have to figure it out. for all i know, he may have told her and she either didn't care, doesn't care, or is willing to not care as long as it never happens again, and it will never happen again. it's not that important to me at all, and i certainly hope it's not that important to him. it was cute and fun when i was with the x. we are different now, i am different now, it's not cute and fun anymore. that would be great, but too good to be true, huh? what's more likely to happen is that this is something that we three, dude, him & me will always have to keep to ourselves and feel guilty about.
this can open up a can of worms with some of the other x friends. some that i should have not stopped talking to, but i did because of the dude. because we were carrying on for as long as we have and no one knew, i needed to stay clear of most people. honestly it was none of their business. i have this weird obligation or guilt complex. i feel compelled to explain the why and when of everything. i guess this could be a first of many steps back into the world.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
correspondences
so we've been going back and forth every day, at least twice a day. he's easy to write to. it's nice to have someone to "talk" to, in a way. i don't feel the desperate longing or devastation i felt when i was younger. i don't feel what i would feel when i would think of him over the years, or see his letters wrapped in satin ribbon. now that i have him in my life, thanks to the interweb, i don't feel the desperation for communication and contact. which is nice. it's just nice to have someone to communicate with - run through the thoughts and feelings in my head. i hope he doesn't think i have the same feelings for him - i hope he doesn't think i am in the same place i was all those years ago. i suppose i'll make that clear at some point.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
