so its been a year since my mom died. a year and a day. time seems to go by more quickly now. i'm not sure if it's because i'm 40, because she's gone and i don't talk to her or wait to see her anymore or all of the above. but this year has flown by.
i haven't talked to my sister in a little over a month. she's mad at me because i got irritated with her for asking me for money. i just can't get over the choices she has made in her life. i know that they are her choices, and i should not and cannot judge - i just don't know where or what our relationship is anymore. i didn't hear from my uncle either. again - so far away from them - so detached. i feel like they have let go, and perhaps so should i. my sister and i were supposed to go to florida this month and spread my mother's ashes in the ocean, bonsidering she just asked me for $$, and we haven't talked, she obviously doesn't have her shit together enough to get to FL. it's going to be more of a process for me to get there, she 's just going to drive - i have to take time off work, fly, rent a car or get someone to pick me up at the airport and whatever. plus we "planned" on inviting my mother's friends to the...memorial...some of them are out of state, too so they need to plan. maybe next year? shitty of us, isn't it?
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Bonus
ok, so i think i've mentioned before how totally done i am with the music business, my job of the past 20+ years. i am dialing it in at my current job, and pretty much have been doing so since my mother died around this time last year. it's not important to me, i don't care about the artists we work with, sales, or anything of the sort. i've spent over 1/2 my life working and trying really hard to get recognized, be acknowledged for my experience and talents at my job. now, i'm being recognized and rewarded for mediocre work, lack of effort, passion and drive - all the while being told i'm doing great work, putting forth a lot of effort and admired for my passion and drive. it confuses me. it shocks me. i don't understand it really. i spend the greater part of my day fucking off...surfing the net, IMing, whatever - actual work time is minimal. i sit in an office all day, alone, no one watching over me, monitoring me or anything. i even FORGOT to turn in my weekly report of what the fuck i did all week last week and no one batted an eye! the owner just gave me $200 for "kicking ass" - really, i didn't DO anything! i sent a couple of emails and a vague promise to possibly commit to something that may or may not happen. (if it doesn't, so i have to give the bonus back?)
weird. just weird.
weird. just weird.
Monday, July 6, 2009
sleeplessness
So dude says to me yesterday, he's concerned with my lack of sleep, and thinks/feels that it is having a negative impact on our relationship. he thinks i snap at him and react negatively because i am not sleeping well.
first of all - i snap because i am provoked. i do not snap for no reason.
example a) we were walking home from the movies, (we were irritated during the movie several times by people using their phones and ranted about that for a while during our walk) my friend charlie made a comment referencing a song that i did not catch. and chris mockingly teased "oh you music snobs" or something to that effect. meanwhile, he had made a comment to what i thought was similar about the artist previously referenced to just a few hours earlier, so i called him on it. he said i was jumping up his ass and that i had a lot of anger. so i said "it's because i eat the dreams of small children as they sleep" - a quote from the movie we had just seen that we both thought was funny. i thought we were joking and playing around. apparently we weren't b/c he didn't talk to me for the rest of that night and brought this up last nite.
example b) we went to the movies again yesterday, and during the movie were a bit irritated by the old people wandering around the theatre, and talking during the movie, and ranted about that. it was very crowded and people were stepping all in front of us not looking where they were going...2 small children running and screaming nearly stepped on my bare toes so i jumped, wondered who they belonged to and asked if we could shift over a bit while we talked about the movie we had just seen. and we did. he's done that to me before - asked me to move over so we could walk more comfortably - i didn't think it was a big deal for me to ask the same of him. apparently it was, because of what he brought up later last nite.
this is something i've never understood - how MY reaction to something, no matter how similar it may be to another persons' can be mistaken and misunderstood.
and how, when confronted - i cannot react as if i am being attacked because i'm told i'm not being attacked. he said he's telling me how he feels, he's not attacking me, he's trying to be constructive and worries about me, and i'm hurting his feelings when i snap at him.
and if i try to explain, i feel like i am then being combative or too defensive.
i argue to specific points. this is how i see something, this is how i interpretted it, this is why i responded. i don't try to generalize or make sweeping assumptions during my arguements. so that when someone tells me you ALWAYS do this or that - i can call them on it and say, no, this is the reason i did this, and here is the reason i did that. it has nothing to do with my sleep, or lack thereof.
i don't sleep because i don't like my job
i worry about money
i worry about my relationship
i don't feel like he wants to spend the rest of his life with me
i worry about my cats
i worry that i've become a burden and that me and my little kitten may soon not be welcomed anymore.
i worry that i am not good enough for him
not pretty enough
not talented enough
not sucessful enough
not driven enough
first of all - i snap because i am provoked. i do not snap for no reason.
example a) we were walking home from the movies, (we were irritated during the movie several times by people using their phones and ranted about that for a while during our walk) my friend charlie made a comment referencing a song that i did not catch. and chris mockingly teased "oh you music snobs" or something to that effect. meanwhile, he had made a comment to what i thought was similar about the artist previously referenced to just a few hours earlier, so i called him on it. he said i was jumping up his ass and that i had a lot of anger. so i said "it's because i eat the dreams of small children as they sleep" - a quote from the movie we had just seen that we both thought was funny. i thought we were joking and playing around. apparently we weren't b/c he didn't talk to me for the rest of that night and brought this up last nite.
example b) we went to the movies again yesterday, and during the movie were a bit irritated by the old people wandering around the theatre, and talking during the movie, and ranted about that. it was very crowded and people were stepping all in front of us not looking where they were going...2 small children running and screaming nearly stepped on my bare toes so i jumped, wondered who they belonged to and asked if we could shift over a bit while we talked about the movie we had just seen. and we did. he's done that to me before - asked me to move over so we could walk more comfortably - i didn't think it was a big deal for me to ask the same of him. apparently it was, because of what he brought up later last nite.
this is something i've never understood - how MY reaction to something, no matter how similar it may be to another persons' can be mistaken and misunderstood.
and how, when confronted - i cannot react as if i am being attacked because i'm told i'm not being attacked. he said he's telling me how he feels, he's not attacking me, he's trying to be constructive and worries about me, and i'm hurting his feelings when i snap at him.
and if i try to explain, i feel like i am then being combative or too defensive.
i argue to specific points. this is how i see something, this is how i interpretted it, this is why i responded. i don't try to generalize or make sweeping assumptions during my arguements. so that when someone tells me you ALWAYS do this or that - i can call them on it and say, no, this is the reason i did this, and here is the reason i did that. it has nothing to do with my sleep, or lack thereof.
i don't sleep because i don't like my job
i worry about money
i worry about my relationship
i don't feel like he wants to spend the rest of his life with me
i worry about my cats
i worry that i've become a burden and that me and my little kitten may soon not be welcomed anymore.
i worry that i am not good enough for him
not pretty enough
not talented enough
not sucessful enough
not driven enough
Monday, June 29, 2009
weirdness
so here's something that strikes me a bit odd...
i recently got in touch with a high school freidn on facebook. we were the only 2 weirdos in our school. the only 2 that wore black clothes and combat boots, black eyeliner, and dark red listick. we were pale as we could be in south florida - in a sea of suntans and pastels. we did just about everything together. we started going to clubs together (granted, they were silly little teen clubs) but we always went together. then at some point close to the end of our senior year i think something in her changed. i think immediately after graduation - we stopped being friends. we stopped hanging out, going to clubs and what not. we seemed to have no reason to hang around each other anymore. and then i remember someone telling me that she would talk about me behind my back. she called me a social butterfly. i started hanging out with some new friends, my gays - they took me in and showed me how much fun i had been missing - introduced me to drugs, gay bars and all other sorts of debouchery and fun. i never had ill feelings towards this person. and 20 years later, i can easily chalk it up to simply being sick of each other. we went to shcool together from 3rd to 12th grade! it was time to be apart. but i have to admit - at the time, i thought it was shitty that she would talk shit about me - resent me for my outgoingness and popularity. i had my own issues with self worth and acceptance, which we can get into later. so - intead of confronting her - i just let it go and tried to get as far away from her and everyone from my childhood as possible.
so here we are 20+ years later. she misses me! she wants to come visit. she "doesn't remember" why we stopped talking or hanging out. whatever, we're grown ups - i can forget, too.
but she has assumed a significant part of my personality - something that she certainly didn't embrace as emphatically as i did in shcool - and that is a fascination for Oscar Wilde. i picked up on it from The Smiths and this person who tortured me - my first love - another entirely different blog all together. i wrote term papers and read his work. now - she quotes him nearly everyday on the facebooks.
i don't know why i find it odd. i just do.
i recently got in touch with a high school freidn on facebook. we were the only 2 weirdos in our school. the only 2 that wore black clothes and combat boots, black eyeliner, and dark red listick. we were pale as we could be in south florida - in a sea of suntans and pastels. we did just about everything together. we started going to clubs together (granted, they were silly little teen clubs) but we always went together. then at some point close to the end of our senior year i think something in her changed. i think immediately after graduation - we stopped being friends. we stopped hanging out, going to clubs and what not. we seemed to have no reason to hang around each other anymore. and then i remember someone telling me that she would talk about me behind my back. she called me a social butterfly. i started hanging out with some new friends, my gays - they took me in and showed me how much fun i had been missing - introduced me to drugs, gay bars and all other sorts of debouchery and fun. i never had ill feelings towards this person. and 20 years later, i can easily chalk it up to simply being sick of each other. we went to shcool together from 3rd to 12th grade! it was time to be apart. but i have to admit - at the time, i thought it was shitty that she would talk shit about me - resent me for my outgoingness and popularity. i had my own issues with self worth and acceptance, which we can get into later. so - intead of confronting her - i just let it go and tried to get as far away from her and everyone from my childhood as possible.
so here we are 20+ years later. she misses me! she wants to come visit. she "doesn't remember" why we stopped talking or hanging out. whatever, we're grown ups - i can forget, too.
but she has assumed a significant part of my personality - something that she certainly didn't embrace as emphatically as i did in shcool - and that is a fascination for Oscar Wilde. i picked up on it from The Smiths and this person who tortured me - my first love - another entirely different blog all together. i wrote term papers and read his work. now - she quotes him nearly everyday on the facebooks.
i don't know why i find it odd. i just do.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
everyday doesn't always mean everyday
like weekends or when i'm out of town. i guess i could have written while in seattle on business, but when i thought of it - i really just wanted to get away from the computer and walk around town and i'm so glad i did!
i went to the harbor, pioneer square (really cool shops & antique mall when i scored some sparklies!) and pike st market - which i completely forgot even existed! i found that by accident by just turning a corner and i was lovely! i got a few really good books - super cheap in this dusty little book store.
i like seattle - each time i've been there, the weather has been lovely. i'm sure it gets triesome when it rains all the time and you don't see the sun for days and weeks on end - but i have not experienced that. i like seattle much more than san francisco. it's really pretty, lots of history and lots of creativity. it's not dirty and crazy like san francisco...don't get me wrong, there's planty of dirty and crazy, just not like san fran, where dirty and crazy are militant and aggressive about it.
i went to the harbor, pioneer square (really cool shops & antique mall when i scored some sparklies!) and pike st market - which i completely forgot even existed! i found that by accident by just turning a corner and i was lovely! i got a few really good books - super cheap in this dusty little book store.
i like seattle - each time i've been there, the weather has been lovely. i'm sure it gets triesome when it rains all the time and you don't see the sun for days and weeks on end - but i have not experienced that. i like seattle much more than san francisco. it's really pretty, lots of history and lots of creativity. it's not dirty and crazy like san francisco...don't get me wrong, there's planty of dirty and crazy, just not like san fran, where dirty and crazy are militant and aggressive about it.
Friday, June 19, 2009
see! i almost forgot!
a little bit of time everyday....
let's see...today we'll update some x activity...in the past few months the x threw a temper tantrum b/c he found out he was not invited to a birthday party because i was instead. he saw photos on facebook and posted some shitty childish (of course) comments. he wouldn't take anyone's calls or listen to any explaination or apology. he deleted these friend and posted a blog declaring that he was cutting out the "assholes and users" from his life. he has found that with his mother's grave illness, he does not "have time" for these people. to that we all say "good riddance." he's a big ball of negativity and they/we are all releived to not have to tippy toe around him anymore.
what's kinda funny about the whole thing is that cut back to 2 years ago, a birthday/new year's eve party for the mutual friends recently ostracised by the x - i was not invited. i called to tell the friend that i didn't feel comfirtable going, to which he said "there were several people i did not invite to my party because i invited your x instead - i just didn't want any drama on my bday. to which i understood, and after hanging up the phone thought...wait a minute! i called to send my regrets that i wasn't going to make it to a party i wasn't even invited to? there were photos posted, looks like everyone had a good time. i quietly sulked away and didn't talk to a lot of these people for a long time...almost 2 years until i was invited to this bday party in march. it just shows how childish, narcissitic and how socially inept he truly is. so he has the people around him that don't rock the boat, don't question him, offend him or deny him his irrational behaviors in anyway. (except his immediate family, i suppose) good luck...enjoy!
let's see...today we'll update some x activity...in the past few months the x threw a temper tantrum b/c he found out he was not invited to a birthday party because i was instead. he saw photos on facebook and posted some shitty childish (of course) comments. he wouldn't take anyone's calls or listen to any explaination or apology. he deleted these friend and posted a blog declaring that he was cutting out the "assholes and users" from his life. he has found that with his mother's grave illness, he does not "have time" for these people. to that we all say "good riddance." he's a big ball of negativity and they/we are all releived to not have to tippy toe around him anymore.
what's kinda funny about the whole thing is that cut back to 2 years ago, a birthday/new year's eve party for the mutual friends recently ostracised by the x - i was not invited. i called to tell the friend that i didn't feel comfirtable going, to which he said "there were several people i did not invite to my party because i invited your x instead - i just didn't want any drama on my bday. to which i understood, and after hanging up the phone thought...wait a minute! i called to send my regrets that i wasn't going to make it to a party i wasn't even invited to? there were photos posted, looks like everyone had a good time. i quietly sulked away and didn't talk to a lot of these people for a long time...almost 2 years until i was invited to this bday party in march. it just shows how childish, narcissitic and how socially inept he truly is. so he has the people around him that don't rock the boat, don't question him, offend him or deny him his irrational behaviors in anyway. (except his immediate family, i suppose) good luck...enjoy!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
once a day
so my best friend says to me today - just try to give your blog 10 minutes a day & don't beat yourself up about it if you don't. so that's what i'm doing. i also just bought a laptop, which will allow me more freedom than being tied to a desktop. i have so much to tell! a lot has happened and i have a lot of venting to do. a good friend is configuring the laptop for me, so all the settings are set appropriately. it's going to be very nice to have a new, clean laptop computer all to myself, without the bad juju that the x managed to dump into my desktop while surfing porn and downloading questionable files from questionable sources. (idiot) my desktop, while TITS when i first got it in 2001, is acting up and it probably on its way out. it was frankensteined together by my computer literate friends - and tekmologie has come so far, it really makes much more sense for me to have a laptop. so i forked over the $$ - on sale, a fair price $399 and good quality (toshiba) according to the my tek genious friend.
cheers my friend! to more blogging that no one will ever read!!!
cheers my friend! to more blogging that no one will ever read!!!
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