drukqs?

so let's talk drugs for a minute, shall we?

i've done them. lots of them. not all, but a good portion of them. i am not an addict, nor am i a junkie. i've never cheated or stolen for drugs. i probably lied at one point or another, only to protect the naive, like my mother, from ever know how "experienced" her baby girl was. is. whatever.
now, compared to what kids are doing these days, and even what they were doing 10 or 12 years ago - we were lightweights. candyflipping? maybe once, but i don't think i ever did - that was for blarry and maybe deanqueen every so often - we didn't do THAT much. just every weekend. and not nearly as much as kids do these days. i remember after i stopped using for years, coming across and reading about kids dosing 10-12 to even 20 hits of whatever they could get their grimey hands on, then candyflipping with even more doses, drinking on top of that - no wonder they were dropping dead at raves. no wonder parents were scared.
see, we were doing this way before the Rave Culture caught on, even before they started calling them "Club Kids" in NYC. we were before that, it's just that no one really noticed or paid much attention to the 6-10 of us running around high as kites in the clubs in miami & ft lauderdale to give us a name. the closest we came to that was being referred to as "the blackouts" at copa by all the gays that were afraid of us. the way we looked, they assumed we were on drugs, so why bother to confirm. we walked around saying to ourselves and to each other like a mantra: "nobody knows i'm high." meanwhile, "everybody thinks i'm high and i am" as thrill kill kult would whisper to us in our ears through remixes.
high meant to us...at least 1/4 or 1/2 a hit of acid. rainbow was the strongest, and becky was the dealer. she was a tall, masculine lesbian, who, legend has it kicked a woman in the stomach once. turns out the truth to that story was that she kicked someone's car once. she wore combat boots and was pretty scary looking. more on her later...anyway - she had the acid - she lived across the way from "mark&gregory" and dean. (you had to refer to them as "mark&gregory" in the same breath, they were almost always together, i never knew if there was anything between them, i'm sure there was at once point, but i think mark was too much of a drama queen for gregory in the long run) it was something like $20 bucks a hit - and we scrounged together that money with no job each week to buy at least 1 hit to split. the great thing about drugs like this, is people want you to experience with them, so a lot of the time, it was given to me/us by those in the group who worked and had the money. it was strong shit. i mean 1/4 hit and you felt good for the whole nite. you're eyes fluttered, you lost track of conversations; things didn't "melt" you didn't really see "trails" however, in a club with flashing lights and pulsing sounds, it would be hard to tell exactly what visual effect you were experiencing. oh, and you would dance! music sounded WONDERFUL and you wanted to dance to it. (but only the songs you liked)it was a small dancefloor, the dj booth was perched above with a window looking over it, so i wonder in hindsight what the dj thought when he saw our gimaced faces aimed upwards in auditory bliss, moving our bodies in ways that no one else on the dancefloor seemed to move. when the dj would play something we didn't like, our grimace changed to a sneer and we'd go out to the car to smoke.
we were the only ones who looked the way we did and the only ones that would all dance to pretty much the same songs at the same time.
some of us did more than others, but i don't think any of us did more than 2 whole hits of rainbow at a time. i'm telling you, the shit was strong. IF you went to sleep - you were WRECKED the next day. wiped out, lazy yet kinda wired. you couldn't eat or sleep really, just walked around like a zombie (which is ANOTHER blog all together) all pasty and pale, mark used to call it "bisque". makeup from the night before accensuating the dark circles under your eyes.
when we couldn't get the acid because becky was out, or even on alternating weeks, we'd buy MDA. now, let me explain MDA, not to be confused with MDMA, or ecstacy. MDA was/is different. helene, becky's girlfriend used to bring it back with her from canada. helene was french canadian, i hardly ever heard her speak. she would just stare with big, dark eyes - like some kind of racoon or something, smoking cigarettes. there is something in the chemical make-up of MDA, that to the best of my research, is less of a "love drug" like e, and more like a fuck drug. there was an edge to it. and it was strong as shit, too. at $15 bucks a hit, we'd split one and be rolling our balls off for 6 hours straight! there was no question whether it was good or not, or how long it might last. my chief complaint with e ..."am i feeling anything, am i high yet?" your eyes roll back in your head once and that's it?! for $30 bucks?!? get outta here! my comparison between the two was this: on e you looove everybody, touching and petting is nice. MDA - you wanna fuck anything that moves! your eyes roll back over and over again, you can't finish a sentence without a roll of euphoria, you work your jaw, grin a wicked grin from ear to ear all from 1/2 a hit! it came in a capsule, and was pure. not like powdered e you get now that is cut to shit with laxative and vitamin b or speed so you grind your teeth to a nub or chew holes in your cheeks. (as i'm known to do!)
like most users, we had our rituals. we'd all drop at a designated place on our way to fire & ice, in the garment district in miami. a place i never went to by day. only on weekend nites, usually saturday because fridays were dead for some reason. we'd drop as we passed the hotel. sometime smoking on the way, but definitely smoking before we went in to the club. we'd come stomping up all black and flowing - a mini-mob freakshow. the drugs would be just kicking in by that time, and i don't really remember ever having to wait in line. was there much of a line? come to think of it - we would get to the club before 11p, before they started charging cover. see, we used what money we had to dose, or maybe even to have a drink, which wasn't often because we were underage. some of the bartenders didn't check for the right stamp or whatever was needed to drink & we'd go to that bartender all the time - until we were found out - and that's another blog, too. so that was it - get there before 11, get stamped, walk in to an empty club - hang out for a short while, then go back out to smoke more - and really start "feeling it."

work

i'm gonna gripe about my job again. i just don't like what i'm doing. i KNOW how bad the economy is, i KNOW i'm lucky to have a job. i'm lucky that it so easy, i can pretty much do it in my sleep, i'm lucky the people i work with are nice enough, i'm lucky that they are patient with me throughout my family and health problems. but i look through linked in at all the people i know, and see how some have just blown up. i guess i should really just sit here and be happy that i can shop, surf, blog, read, do whatever i want for the greater part of the day and not really have to 'work' that hard. someone i know, or rather am 'linked to' is a department head of purchasing at netfix - i should have that job - but then i would probably be even more miserable - being in the middle of a corporate entity with constant reporting to higher ups and analysis being thrown at me from every direction. anther is a buyer/product manager for hustler - i TRIED to get a job with her - her boss was a flake & never called me back or followed through with the postition. then again, she never reached out to me again. i go so far out of my way to consider my friends who aren't working, try to hook them up with gigs as often as i can, think of them even for things that they might not even think of ... am i just not that good? did my decision to drop out of college have such a great impact on my career and livlihood? do the people i liked a lot, really not like me all that much?
after recieving a birthday present from me, a friend said that i was very thoughtful. i like to think of myself as so...i really put a lot of effort and thought into things like gifts. i try hard to look for something that person would like, something i would like them to have, something that makes me think of them - often times, friends don't do the same for me. gift certificates are nice, and i covet so much, it's not that hard to buy for me, but sometimes i feel a bit empty. i digress...
back to the work thing - i don't like what i'm doing. it's stupid and lame. i'm a rat on a sinking ship. we as employees don't reap the rewards of the image that the company holds. there seems to be no trickle down. i've said it before - i just wanna go answer phones. or work for whole foods or trader joe's - get a discount on food - something that i will not stop loving, like i seem to have stopped loving music. i always said, when i stopped loving music, hating everything that i heard, i'd quit. there was a time when i hated everything except the things i liked, but now, the past 6 or 7 releases that i used to like have all but SUCKED. so it's really TIME for me to get out - to let someone else do this job - someone who is still passionate about music, and can be interested in the releases/artist we work with. let's see what happens after the new year, what happens with my health, if there is a bonus. i do like the idea of having 2 weeks off for christmas - that's a first in my career. there really are a lot of +'s with this job. i should stop my bitching about it. it's hard. i'm used to not liking it - i should work on getting along with it.
enough, for now.

bittersweet

so along with the new president, which is wonderful and great and all the things it should be so far - several states, including my own, CA voted to support a BAN on gay marriage. sad and horrifying, that we can say we have grown so much as a society to elect a black president, yet still deny the most basic, non-offensive, non-invasive right of marriage to our neighbor. there are several suits up contesting the legality of the amendment and the state supreme court is likely to overturn is as unconstitutional - furthermore - the verbiage on the ballot was easily misunderstood. the religious right, as usual - always WRONG - poisoned the minds of many with millions of dollars to ensure that this amendment was passed. i, along with many others, am dissapointed at the lack of effort on the part of the rich fuckers in hollywood who did very little to support the defeat of prop 8. good for stephen spielberg and brad pitt for donating $1m or more to defeat it - many more of hollywood's elete should have forked over some cash - since the gays run rampant throughout the entertainment biz - some out, most closeted.

History

Barack Obama was elected president of The United States! a biracial man, raised by his white grandparents, put himself through school - HARVARD, no less. it's just amazing. and inspiring. all things good. the world looks forward to what he will accomplish. will he be as good as we all hope? he certainly couldn't be any worse than what we have suffered over the past 8 years.

still nothing, huh?

so the dude is getting weird again. his life is spiraling downward and nothing i can do can help him. his in financial distress, not as a result of the nation's economic downturn - but that certainly doesn't help. he can't find work and he's out of money. he chose a path 5 years ago that has apprarently lead to disaster for him. he walk away from a successful career to follow his dream that is not all but shattered.

and i cannot help.

i try to tell him that i'm here for him, to help him. i have a pittance of an inheritance that i can use to help "US" through this difficult time. knowing that it is only temporary, and he supported me, and will continue to support me.
he is not wired that way. he's never had anyone take care of him, and is not accustomed to it. he cannot accept it. which effectively tells me - that he cannot accept our relationship as a partnership. he's not invested in the "US" - he is invested in me, and being with me, but not in what it means for us to be in a sharing commited relationship together.
he was married. twice. the 1st time he was too young, their lives were taking different paths, so the split was somewhat amicalble. the second was a sham. she cheated on him and used him to get a green card and get into the US. she destroyed his credit and reinforced is abandonement issues with women, and he has refused to commit since. he loves, he gives, he affectionate, and kind - generous to a fault - but will not submit completely and expose himself to such heartache and betrayal.
but i keep working on him. my new strategy is to continue to remind him that we are in this together. and that we can be remarkably strong together and make it through this. i don't know if it's working yet.

fire season

they say there are no seasons in LA. there are seasons: "hot and dry as fuck", "cold as shit and dry" and "on fucking fire season". there used to be riot season, but until the election in november, let's keep our fingers crossed that that season has finally gone.
we are now in fire season! the first day of fall just barely passed and a day hardly goes by without some outrageous brushfire threatening the homes and livlihoods of others, especially firefighters.
this morning we woke up to a fire in our valley - far enough away that we are not in danger, but close enough to smell the smoke, see the smoke, have ashes blowing in the wind in into open doors and windows, see the flames from some areas and to evacuate neighborhoods, shut down freeways and schools. this is happening in a rather populated area, easy to access. it's difficult to control, because the evil santa ana winds are blowing hard and heavy from the desert. - the santa ana winds hate me - something in the desert hates me and almost everytime the hot winds blow, i get a sinus infection, but that's an entirely different blog - this time it's blowing the fire and ash.
what kills me - and this is an ongoing peeve - one of my biggest pet peeves ever sayeth the x - is water.
california, los angeles in particular is a made up city. without water that we take from the colorado river, we, los angeles as a city, would not exist. yet everywhere you turn throughout LA, you see water: fountains flowing, sprinklers sprinkling, swimming pools, fish ponds, green acreages and ACREAGES of golf courses, etc. we are in a contant state of water shortage. more actions are being taken to "reclaim" water for irrigation purposes. and now, you even have to ASK for water when you're at a restaraunt.
yet, oddly enough, as i walked up to my office door the morning, the superintendent or maintenance worker for the building was WATERING DOWN THE SIDEWALK to get the leaves out of the way.
no one sweeps in LA. they don't rake, or brush away and throw out leaves. they WASH them away - with water.
wha?why?how?where?
huh?
how -
i mean - i can't even verbalise...it's just beyond my comprehension. my little brain just can't fathom the rationalization of WATERING A SIDEWALK or DRIVEWAY or PORCH area. ok, MAYBE to deal with some dust blowing around....? THERE'S ASH AND BURNING EMBERS BLOWING AT 25+ MPH!! i don't think anyone will notice a little bit of dust or leaves blowing around today.
i have to ask for water in a restaraunt so you can fucking water your sidewalk?
fuck off!
just fuck the fuck off!

[A] - AVAIL​ABLE?​nope
[B] - BIRTH​DAY?​next year
[C] - CELL PHONE​?​check
[D] - DRINK​ YOU HAD LAST?​H2o
[E] - EVERY​BODY SAYS THAT YOU'​RE?​um…sparkly!
[F] - FAVOR​ITE COLOR​S?​I like colors
[G] - GUMMY​ BEARS​ OR GUMMY​ WORMS​?​I like to melt the butts of gummy bears and stick them to indoor plants[H] - HOMET​OWN?​hollywood.
[I] - FAVOR​ITE ICE CREAM​?​jamocha almond fudge
[J] - JUST SOMET​HING YOU ALWAY​S SAY?myep. And fuck
[K] - KILLE​D SOMEO​NE?​not yet
[L] - LIMEA​DE OR LEMON​ADE?​just add vodka!
[M] - MONEY​ OR LOVE?​love love love
[N] - NUMBE​R OF SIBLI​NGS?​1
[​O]​-​OUTGO​ING?​yet stand-offish
[P] - YOUR PERSO​NALIT​Y?​see above
​[Q] -​QUIET​?​not usually
[R] - REASO​N YOU SMILE​?​chris, cats, music, shopping
[S] - SONG YOU LAST HEARD​?​no idea
[T] - TIME YOU WOKE UP TODAY​?​beaker started in around 5a
[U] - UNCER​TAIN ABOUT​ ANYON​E?​most anyone.
[V] - VEGET​ABLES​?​yes, please
[W] - WORST​ HABIT​?​drinking when I shouldn’t
[X] - X-​RAYSsting rays
[Y] - YOUR FAVOR​ITE FOOD?​usually something I cook – or Indian food
[Z] -​ZODIA​C SIGN?​Imperial Drag

How did your day start off?eh – that cat was being a jerk this morning, then mow, blow & go showed up with their noise and ½ of LA county is on fire….
How old do you look?not as old as I am
Where is the person you last kissed at this moment?I think he’s writing with his partner
Are you wating for something?get t fook outta here
What were you doing at eleven last night?going to bed, I think
What made you laugh today?mindless conversations w co-workers
Last Myspace message you received?something fun from lanore
Does anyone hate you?with certainty
What accent do you have?TV accent
Where are your siblings?back east
What have you been up to this weekend?Hallowe’en decorating!!
Are you happy with your life?it has its moments, yes
Can you handle the truth?I rather think so.
Have you ever read an entire book in one day?I have
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?not everyone
Did you cry today?not today.
Are you a jealous person?I can be
Do you miss anyone?I do
Do you get 8 hours of sleep everyday?yer funny
What was the last book you read?Guns Drugs & Monsters by Steve Niles
Do you hate the last guy, other than family, you had a conversation with?no
Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?yes
Is there something you're always near?isn’t there always?
What's most stressing right now?work is irritating…too much “work” to do!! haha
What are you going to do after this?work
How's the weather today?fire season
Do you like messages or comments better?whatevs
Who was your last call from?co-worker
What woke you up this morning?freakin cat!
What is your current mood?edgy
What color shirt are you wearing?orange
Whose car were you in last?mine
What's for dinner tonight?dunno
What was the first thing you thought about when you woke up?what time it was and why the cat was being a jerk
What would you rather be doing right now?anything but work
What did you last cry over and when?um…last week – stress or health issues
What always makes you feel better when you're upset?chris
What are you looking forward to most in this week?it being over
What are you listening to right now?the boys outside are listening to something lame