I've heard it said (or maybe read) that if you just put what you want out into the universe, the universe will provide. i think i can honestly say that has happened for me once...when i wished really really hard and repeated affirmations in my head as i fell asleep for things to work out with me & dude. so far so good.
so, do you only get one shot at that?
since i didn't get THAT JOB, perhaps i didn't wish hard enough - i want the universe to provide me with the reason. i want to know if it was something i did or said. was it what i wore? was i simply over-qualified and if that's the case, why not just have hired me on for the probationary period of 3 months, get all the best work out of me to get the job done and then say, no thanks, we're not hiring you on permanent - so i guess that kinda throws that answer out the window. so there must be something else. and i want to know.
i want someone to tell me - what it IS about ME...there must be something.
i remember telling a business associate/friend once that one of his clients was shit-talking him. saying he was useless and bad at his job to the rest of the other clients, which lead to a moment of commiserating and back stabbing. the next opportunity i had, i brought that business associate (sales rep) into my office and told him. i said i felt that he did a great job for me, and that i thought we had a great relationship and if the shoe were on the other foot - i'd want him to tell me. i told him this not to offend him (he wasn't) but to let him know there might be room to improve an important business relationship. he was very appreciative and actually turned the relationship around. it was actually quite impressive.
i am only asking the same courtesy. i don't think it matters where it comes from...who tells me - but someone has to tell me.
there. it's out there. universe: PROVIDE.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
funnily enough
none of the aforementioned prezzies made it to my home. instead over the past couple of weeks i ended up getting a mpre better pair of boots from UO (thanks dude!) a pair of the cutest leopard print ballet flats on sale at nordstrom rack ($29) NEW BUSHINGS ON MY CAR!! how sweet is THAT?! $260. a small shopping spree @ forever 21 (tiny hands!) a dress, 2 tops for less than $70. so not too bad - i guess.
i have my car registration to pay this month, and thanks to the flats that i HAD to buy before they sold out of my size, i will be late on my storage payment (due tomorrow). stupid storage unit. i have to get rid of that thing! what a colossal waste of money! dude cleared out some junk in the garage (swears he'll do more) and i just KNOW i can fit my life into that garage. i need to start going through my storage unit and throwing shit away. is that a new year's resolution?
while at nordstrom rack yesterday ANOTHER fabulous pair of loepard print shoes caught my eye! they are ankle boots with, appropriately enough - kitten heels! problem is they are $189. i'm really struggling with talking myself OUT of buying them with this week's check. they are TOTES ADORS! (haha) and i must have them! that would make my collection complete: leopard pumps, flats and boots! i think that might - it just might - complete me leopard print accessories collection! (if one can have 7 different pair of black shoes, why not 3 leopard?!) i think i will have them.
AND be able to give dude $500
AND still keep up.
i think.
i'll make it work, somehow.
i have my car registration to pay this month, and thanks to the flats that i HAD to buy before they sold out of my size, i will be late on my storage payment (due tomorrow). stupid storage unit. i have to get rid of that thing! what a colossal waste of money! dude cleared out some junk in the garage (swears he'll do more) and i just KNOW i can fit my life into that garage. i need to start going through my storage unit and throwing shit away. is that a new year's resolution?
while at nordstrom rack yesterday ANOTHER fabulous pair of loepard print shoes caught my eye! they are ankle boots with, appropriately enough - kitten heels! problem is they are $189. i'm really struggling with talking myself OUT of buying them with this week's check. they are TOTES ADORS! (haha) and i must have them! that would make my collection complete: leopard pumps, flats and boots! i think that might - it just might - complete me leopard print accessories collection! (if one can have 7 different pair of black shoes, why not 3 leopard?!) i think i will have them.
AND be able to give dude $500
AND still keep up.
i think.
i'll make it work, somehow.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
oops
i made a mistake at work. i let myself become too engaged with my co-workers and now have to back pedal. i let myself get caught up with a couple of others against the toad. it hasn't gotten ugly yet - but i found myself participating too much in catty (and funny, no doubt about that) gossip and behaviour. i shouldn't have. my motivation should be first and foremost to find another job.
the toad is annoying and i will do my best to ignore her completely going forward.
the others i will politely decline participation and continue to do so until their invitations cease.
the toad is annoying and i will do my best to ignore her completely going forward.
the others i will politely decline participation and continue to do so until their invitations cease.
Friday, January 21, 2011
prezzie for me!
i'm torn over what i should buy for me this paycheck. it seems to have become a rule or habit for me to take each paycheck and buy myself something i want/need. here are my options:
1. new bra. i found a felina style that i like and fits well $49
2.dress @ urban outfitters. it's long and grey and i just kinda liked it. it would look super cute with the hat i just bought there in exchange for shoes dude got me for christmas that didn't fit.
$45-50
3. booties that i just fouund on overstock.com. i've been looking for ankle booties and they have them in taupe (i don't want another pair of black or brown shoes) the problem is i can't try them on. maybe i'll go to nordrom's and try them on first $29 (STEAL!)
4. aveda be curly hair stuff (cuz i can never seem to have enough)
i can always do a combination of 1 or 2 with 3 or 4. or put off 4 all together and find the travel size that my closet seems to have eaten.
5. get the blue black lo-lites that i've been wanting. i plan on evening out the overall color this weekend - so i can go to floyd's and get the lo-lites done cheap...maybe.
i guess i'll try the shoes on first. maybe the shoes and the dress! with the new hat?! CUTE!
but finding a good bra is always a struggle for me.
decisions decisions.
OH!! then there's the list of books and such i want on amazon! hmmm....
1. new bra. i found a felina style that i like and fits well $49
2.dress @ urban outfitters. it's long and grey and i just kinda liked it. it would look super cute with the hat i just bought there in exchange for shoes dude got me for christmas that didn't fit.
$45-50
3. booties that i just fouund on overstock.com. i've been looking for ankle booties and they have them in taupe (i don't want another pair of black or brown shoes) the problem is i can't try them on. maybe i'll go to nordrom's and try them on first $29 (STEAL!)
4. aveda be curly hair stuff (cuz i can never seem to have enough)
i can always do a combination of 1 or 2 with 3 or 4. or put off 4 all together and find the travel size that my closet seems to have eaten.
5. get the blue black lo-lites that i've been wanting. i plan on evening out the overall color this weekend - so i can go to floyd's and get the lo-lites done cheap...maybe.
i guess i'll try the shoes on first. maybe the shoes and the dress! with the new hat?! CUTE!
but finding a good bra is always a struggle for me.
decisions decisions.
OH!! then there's the list of books and such i want on amazon! hmmm....
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Positive
so the other nite - dude asked me a variation of a question he often asks: 'what's wrong sweetie, you're being very quiet. you don't seem very happy'
i respond (as usual) 'nothing's wrong, i'm fine. i'm not unhappy at all.' which, as far as i could tell was the truth. i am not and have not been particularly unhappy. true, my job situation is not ideal, and that does tend to leave me a bit less than thrilled from time to time, but when i am home, i am content.
his inquiry lead us into a deeper conversation about how my negativity, as of late, is having an impact on him and his happiness.
i also found out that he was not "ok" or "fine" with me spending thanksgiving with a girlfriend of mine that is soon to be divorced instead of hanging out for5+ hours with his painfully boring family. i love him madly, but his family is torture! you can't have a stimulating conversation, his sister is rich, republican, and self righteous. she has the best of everything, has earned it, mind you - and just can't understand or accept how anyone else cannot get their own. which is odd because she works for one of the largest international AIDS organizations AND has a brother who is an alcoholic drug addict, went to school for psychology AND was a drug addict herself at one point. so, while she can be nice enough - after a while the conversation always goes in a bad direction. his mother is older than her age and is pretty oblivious and ignorant about most issues in today's society. and the drug addict alcohlic brother was going to be there too - i just didn't want to handle the awkwardness. furthernore, i don't eat meat, and wanted to prepare a vegetarian meal with my friend, who also shares my same tastes in food. i didn't want the blank stares and confusion that goes along with questions like: 'you don't eat meat at all?' 'what else can you have?' 'do you want us to make you something else?' when i asked if dude minded if i spent tgiving w my friend, so she didn't have to be alone and we'd make yummy veggies he said it was fine.
i found out that it was not. until i explained further to him how uncomfortable i would be with his brother, based on my previous experiences with addiction and how the holidays overall create a great deal of anxiety for me. then he understood and was "ok". (i somehow doubt that he truly understands)
anyway - back to my NEGATIVITY
i was completely unaware of the fact that i had been doing so much spewing of hatred and negativity. it seemed to me that we recently had a conversation about how much i have changed for the better over the years and become much less negative and critical. i was confused and taken aback by his comments. i feel that i must point out when i am being positive and happy - to balance out this negativity that he seems to look to me for.
i respond (as usual) 'nothing's wrong, i'm fine. i'm not unhappy at all.' which, as far as i could tell was the truth. i am not and have not been particularly unhappy. true, my job situation is not ideal, and that does tend to leave me a bit less than thrilled from time to time, but when i am home, i am content.
his inquiry lead us into a deeper conversation about how my negativity, as of late, is having an impact on him and his happiness.
i also found out that he was not "ok" or "fine" with me spending thanksgiving with a girlfriend of mine that is soon to be divorced instead of hanging out for5+ hours with his painfully boring family. i love him madly, but his family is torture! you can't have a stimulating conversation, his sister is rich, republican, and self righteous. she has the best of everything, has earned it, mind you - and just can't understand or accept how anyone else cannot get their own. which is odd because she works for one of the largest international AIDS organizations AND has a brother who is an alcoholic drug addict, went to school for psychology AND was a drug addict herself at one point. so, while she can be nice enough - after a while the conversation always goes in a bad direction. his mother is older than her age and is pretty oblivious and ignorant about most issues in today's society. and the drug addict alcohlic brother was going to be there too - i just didn't want to handle the awkwardness. furthernore, i don't eat meat, and wanted to prepare a vegetarian meal with my friend, who also shares my same tastes in food. i didn't want the blank stares and confusion that goes along with questions like: 'you don't eat meat at all?' 'what else can you have?' 'do you want us to make you something else?' when i asked if dude minded if i spent tgiving w my friend, so she didn't have to be alone and we'd make yummy veggies he said it was fine.
i found out that it was not. until i explained further to him how uncomfortable i would be with his brother, based on my previous experiences with addiction and how the holidays overall create a great deal of anxiety for me. then he understood and was "ok". (i somehow doubt that he truly understands)
anyway - back to my NEGATIVITY
i was completely unaware of the fact that i had been doing so much spewing of hatred and negativity. it seemed to me that we recently had a conversation about how much i have changed for the better over the years and become much less negative and critical. i was confused and taken aback by his comments. i feel that i must point out when i am being positive and happy - to balance out this negativity that he seems to look to me for.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Word
I saw this on another blog - in an effort to get back into blogging more frequently. The other blog was trying to come up with a word for the year, and then try to project what the word would be for next year. i'm going to modify that in my own effort to get back into blogging.
RANDOM:
in less than 30 days i have had 3 different people approach me from my past with new employment opportunities. each contact was a welcomed and much needed boost to my professional self esteem. i feel these communications were "random" for several reasons. 1) i had only just decided that it was time for me to start to think about possibly looking for a different job. now, i feel like i have been searching for the different, better, or perfect job almost all my life. i was only satisfied with the best job i ever had in hindsight and in every effort to not regret my decision to leave that perfect job (especially considering the final outcome of the company overall: closure) i have been struggling to find another job that would satisfy my soul the same way, or come to terms with the possible fact that my soul would never be satisfied the same way ever again. i'm still somewhere in between. 2) there are A LOT of people out of work - actively and aggressively looking. 3) any and every time i have ever decided to "look" for a better job, it doesn't happen. the new job is never better, i don't think it has ever been something i WANTED or HAD to have and has always ended bitterly at best. the only jobs i've ever gotten that i WANT WANTED i basically stumbled across. only one job i actively and aggressively pursued and got. (that was one that ended bitterly)
in these 3 cases - they have essentially come out of nowhere, 2 or the 3 from contacts from the job previously referenced that was the best job i ever had, and the other came from the first REAL job that started me on the path to the best job i ever had.
the 1st was really just sweet. i former coworker contacted me thinking i would be great at an office that was opening with her company here in LA. knowing the kind of work ethic i have and that we all shared when we worked together for the same company in the same department, she thought of me. it was good to hear from her, to catch up and reminisce and talk about the quality of work we perform given any task. the role had already been given to someone else, but that's ok. because....
the 2nd came from someone i haven't worked with in over 2w-something years (we'll mumble over exactly how long) he called me to tell me about a position posted with his company that he thought i would be perfect for. he being the national director and final approval for the hire, though not the direct report, but the big boss to my direct report. he basically called me to give me the inside word and line to the hiring manager. i have spoken with her a total of 4 times in depth about the position and we have pretty much come to the conclusion that i am the best candidate for the job. we are now in a holding pattern until their HR department decides to make the final move and approve the hire. i don't know how many other candidates are solid. but considering this is a publicly traded company, they are a slow moving beast and no decision can be made at the drop of a hat. the job is huge. perhaps too big for just one person. there is a small voice that i silence in my head telling me it's a set up for failure. if i get the job, the first thing i will start to do is access the divide and work to define a secondary position.
the 3rd and most recent came to me yesterday via linked in. i don't know much about the role or the company except what i can find online through press releases that are over10 months old. and that the company itself is a spin off of the best job i ever had, run by a tool that is one of those people that no matter what, falls UP and gets people to throw money at his ideas. they think i might be over qualified for the job, but quite frankly, i am over-qualified for just about anything i could be offered. i told her as long as it had something to do with music, with people who are passionate and interested in music - i am perfectly qualified. we are meeting today. in a little over an hour.
so to me, this is random. it may be premature to say, but i almost feel like i have "options". something that i have never had before.
RANDOM:
in less than 30 days i have had 3 different people approach me from my past with new employment opportunities. each contact was a welcomed and much needed boost to my professional self esteem. i feel these communications were "random" for several reasons. 1) i had only just decided that it was time for me to start to think about possibly looking for a different job. now, i feel like i have been searching for the different, better, or perfect job almost all my life. i was only satisfied with the best job i ever had in hindsight and in every effort to not regret my decision to leave that perfect job (especially considering the final outcome of the company overall: closure) i have been struggling to find another job that would satisfy my soul the same way, or come to terms with the possible fact that my soul would never be satisfied the same way ever again. i'm still somewhere in between. 2) there are A LOT of people out of work - actively and aggressively looking. 3) any and every time i have ever decided to "look" for a better job, it doesn't happen. the new job is never better, i don't think it has ever been something i WANTED or HAD to have and has always ended bitterly at best. the only jobs i've ever gotten that i WANT WANTED i basically stumbled across. only one job i actively and aggressively pursued and got. (that was one that ended bitterly)
in these 3 cases - they have essentially come out of nowhere, 2 or the 3 from contacts from the job previously referenced that was the best job i ever had, and the other came from the first REAL job that started me on the path to the best job i ever had.
the 1st was really just sweet. i former coworker contacted me thinking i would be great at an office that was opening with her company here in LA. knowing the kind of work ethic i have and that we all shared when we worked together for the same company in the same department, she thought of me. it was good to hear from her, to catch up and reminisce and talk about the quality of work we perform given any task. the role had already been given to someone else, but that's ok. because....
the 2nd came from someone i haven't worked with in over 2w-something years (we'll mumble over exactly how long) he called me to tell me about a position posted with his company that he thought i would be perfect for. he being the national director and final approval for the hire, though not the direct report, but the big boss to my direct report. he basically called me to give me the inside word and line to the hiring manager. i have spoken with her a total of 4 times in depth about the position and we have pretty much come to the conclusion that i am the best candidate for the job. we are now in a holding pattern until their HR department decides to make the final move and approve the hire. i don't know how many other candidates are solid. but considering this is a publicly traded company, they are a slow moving beast and no decision can be made at the drop of a hat. the job is huge. perhaps too big for just one person. there is a small voice that i silence in my head telling me it's a set up for failure. if i get the job, the first thing i will start to do is access the divide and work to define a secondary position.
the 3rd and most recent came to me yesterday via linked in. i don't know much about the role or the company except what i can find online through press releases that are over10 months old. and that the company itself is a spin off of the best job i ever had, run by a tool that is one of those people that no matter what, falls UP and gets people to throw money at his ideas. they think i might be over qualified for the job, but quite frankly, i am over-qualified for just about anything i could be offered. i told her as long as it had something to do with music, with people who are passionate and interested in music - i am perfectly qualified. we are meeting today. in a little over an hour.
so to me, this is random. it may be premature to say, but i almost feel like i have "options". something that i have never had before.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
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